Tuesday, December 20, 2011

12 WEEKS!

BABY:

SIZE OF A LIME

BABY AT 11W4D

Baby now has reflexes.
Baby's fingers will open and close.
Baby's toes will curl.
Baby's cute mouth will begin to make sucking movements.
Baby squirms when I (or anyone else) touches my belly (I can't feel it yet)


MOMMY:


I am rarely feeling sick now.
I still have headaches.
I still need a nap at least once a day.
I have started to take up prenatal yoga and LOVE it.
We are getting more and more excited for baby to become part of our family.


And last but not least... a video of baby waving!!! We were so excited to see this! It is still hard to believe that is 28 weeks or so, I will be a mommy!!!!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

WEEK 9

Baby is the size of a:

PRUNE



BABY:

Bones and cartilage are forming.
Arms can already flex.
Teeth are forming underneath the gums.
If baby is a boy, he is producing testosterone.

MOMMY:

Still getting horrible migraines.
Has only thrown up 3 times this week *whooo hoooo!*
Must take a nap once a day.
Is feeling extremely blessed to have this little prune growing inside me.
Tummy is getting harder and rounder by the day :)


In other news: I am flying into Denver today to FINALLY meet my cousin Fiona. I am so excited to spend 6 glorious days with my family!!! And there is supposed to be SNOW!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

8 weeks and counting!

So I've decided I just can't up and leave this blog. There has been too much put into it. So- here I go with the updates about the newest news in our lives.

We are having a baby!!!!!

WEEK 8
Baby:

He/She is the size of an olive.
He/She is an inch long.
Starting to look more and more like a baby.


Mommy:

Sick all the time, but rarely throws up anymore.
Killer migraines.
Starting to get a bump already :)
Wants to eat all the time, but can't find out what to eat/

Here is the little olive at 7 weeks when it was just a little raspberry.




We are due July 3rd and have been told the doctor won't let us go more than a week before the induce, so we are looking at July 3rd to July 10th and T is hoping for a fourth of July baby. We aren't going to find out the sex. We both figure it is a gift from God and we shouldn't peek, so gender neutral until the little munchkin is born :)

After trying for as long as we did, we want to say thank you to everyone who gave us support in our journey. It was a very long and difficult one for us and we couldn't have done it without you. We can't wait to share the rest of this baby's life with you.

All our love.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

New Blog

In a recent turn of events, I have started a new blog. You can check it out at:

http://www.growingbbtaylor.wordpress.com

It will update the pregnancy and our lives of being pregnant- feel free to take a look.

Love to all.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Where does the time go????

It has been the most insanely busy, overwhelming, loving every minute of it few weeks.

I feel like I have had little to no time to myself.

I am working, going to school, being a mom and being a wife. Not to mention, trying to keep the house clean, workout and continue to do the things God has asked of me. I have never been more busy, stressed out and happy.

H is doing well in school. It seems she has a ton of homework every day, but she likes school and is making friends. It has been such an experience to watch her grow in the 2 months she has been with us. She is incredibly bright. She helps out at home and is growing in the Gospel. She is going to seminary in the morning. She is making friends. She even went to the game on Friday night.

I know this is preparing me for motherhood. I know that the busy schedule and the time and and energy I put into my life and into Heather's is only giving me a slight idea of what it will be like to have a baby of my own. I only hope I can do it with diligence and with love. A lot of love.

I started a new job on Tuesday. I am working as a dispatcher for an alarm company. On the 21st, I start my graveyard shift. I will be working from 630pm to 500am Wednesday through Saturday. I am nervous, but I know that is was something God has a say in. Someone will always be home for H. Tom and I can share the car without having to worry about the other. I will be able to attend Church. And it won't affect my school too much. I know that God has provided me with this awesome opportunity. A chance to start anew.

Exciting news!!!! We have been approved to buy a house!!! I am so excited to finally own something of our own. We are actively looking and I hope we are able to get into something that we like and can stay in for a while. :)

Tom and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary on Tuesday. I cannot believe we have been married for 3 years!!! It has gone by so fast. Despite all of our obstacles and all of our difficult times, I am madly in love with this man. The last 3 years have been the best of my life. He has helped me become the person I have longed to be. I am so thankful for him, for the Priesthood he holds, and for all he does for me. I am honestly looking forward to the next 50 years.

We went camping for our anniversary. We went to Patrick's Point which is 5 hours north on the coast. It was incredibly beautiful, cold and worth all the work that was put into it. We got to see the Redwood's, which I had never seen before. We got to drive through a tree. We got to drive down the Avenue of the Giants and hike. I will definitely be going back there.

Well, other than that, life is good. Busy. But good. I am now below 200 pounds and loving getting back into shape. I feel better than I have in a long time and can't wait to see what the next 40 does for me. :)


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Change is inevitable

Change.
It is something that each of go through at one point in our life.
We can choose to do something with that change.
We can let it swallow us if it is not something we want to change.
We can let it guide us to where we are suppose to be.
We can choose to do nothing about it.

A good friend of mine once told me, "Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” It was written by Frank Herbert and it couldn't be more truthful, at least to me.

On Sunday, I was driving with my MIL out to see sissy. We were talking about the circumstances that have been placed in front of me over the last few months. BIG changes have taken place. BIG obstacles have come my way. We talked about how a year ago, there is no way I would have been able to handle any of these changes. I would have let it swallow me whole and I would have disappeared. I was really sick. Mentally, physically and emotionally. And then my family did something that made me angry. That hurt me. That saved me. They forced me to look at myself. And it took me a long time to recognize that this was a change I needed to go through.

I have always wanted to be a better person. To show people that I really do love them. That they are important to me. I have always wanted to make others proud of me and my actions. I have always wanted to be the girl that had integrity. I have always wanted someone to look up to me. And none of that was going to happen if I stayed where I was at. I was hurting so many people around me, but more importantly, I was killing myself. I was slowly watching myself fall. And thankfully, I had my family and my Heavenly Father there to catch me. And thank you, Mom, for recognizing the change my heart has made.

I know that in my years of destruction (and that was a lot of my life), I hurt many people. I am sorry. I will atone to each and every one of you in one way or another, but know that I know. I have not forgotten. In fact, it is what makes me strive to be a better person, to SHOW you that change has taken place in my life.

I must give this change in me to someone higher than all of us. I have FINALLY, after trying and trying over the years, put my faith completely in God (this didn't just happen, but it is what changed me). It is Him who has changed my heart. It is Him who gets all my praise. I couldn't do it without Him and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He knows what He is doing. I wear a bracelet that was given to me by my aunt everyday that reminds me that He will never forsake me (I know you won't either Fritz). I love that T and I have centered our lives around the Gospel. We pray together EVERY morning. We go to church. We serve. We live for God's purpose. I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity.

A year ago. Hmph! What a year it has been. What a BLESSING it has been.

Thank you baby for hanging in there with me.
For being my strength, my hope, and my feet when I couldn't stand.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
I am so proud of you and so thankful for you.
You are the best thing to have ever happened to me.
I love you!

And thank you friends and family, for being true.
For being there when I needed someone.
My life is made all the more beautiful with you in it.
And thank you for loving me unconditionally.

I am truly blessed.

All my love
XOXO

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I'm thirsty anyway- so bring on the rain......






The last few weeks have been a rollarcoster. I am definately ready for things to settle down, although I don't foresee that happening anytime soon.

After my trip to Wyoming, I was let go from my job.
I am really trying to see this as a blessing, as raising a 15 year old is a lot of work.
It took us 3 days to just register H for school and I wouldn't have been able to do it had I been working.
I have also been able to start getting ready to back to school.
I am ahead in my Shakespeare class and have already passed the first quiz :)
It also allows me to be a better wife and make sure T is completely taken care of.

It also allowed me to take a trip with K to Las Vegas to say goodbye to my great aunt Diane.
Aunt Diane was my grandpa B's sister. While I don't know that side of the family very well, it was heartwarming to meet new family members and to see that my family really does belong to the Church.
I was able to see my cousin Nai Nai and her baby boy Rylan Jay.
I was able to finally meet my Aunt C's husband and see where she is living.
And I had my first time on the slot machines and won $315.00. It paid for my trip and for the new tires we needed on the car.

Upon returning, I recieved some news that some of my close family members are having a run of bad luck with their health. Not wanting to break confidentiality, I won't mention names or what is going on, but it just brought me back to the place of wanting to cherish every moment I have with those I love. Who knows when it will be the last time?

The last few weeks, while difficult, have been a blessing.
I have had 2 interviews with great companies and am hoping to hear from them, but still looking.
I am taking 3 classes at the local community college (Shakespeare, American Sign Language and Stats).
I am loving the chance to be a mother like figure to H.
I have lost a total of 68 pounds.
I am training for a 5K in October.
And I am happy.

T is doing well. He is busy with work. And when he is not at work, Church and H is keeping him busy. He loves his job and excels at it everyday. I am so proud of him.

T and I are hoping to be in Colorado come November for baby Fi's baptism. I can't wait to meet her. I also told F that if I don't have a job by the time she needs to go back to work, I'll come to Colorado and be baby Fi's nanny. :) She is doing well and growing stronger every day! I am so thankful for the blessings God has showered down upon her.

All our love.

Monday, August 15, 2011

They say you can't go home again.....

Home is where the heart is. And my heart is in Casper. It always has been.

Growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave. I couldn’t wait to see what the world had to offer me. I couldn’t wait to travel and see the world. To grow up and to not be in the shadow of my family.

Little did I know, I would crave the open spaces, the sweet air, the endless sky, the brightness of the stars, the small town feel and the people I am closest too.

Going back, always brings up so much emotion for me. Mostly because of this beautiful little girl who has stolen my heart from the day she was born. She can always make me smile and lights up my world. She is my world. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than how much I love her. She is my niece. Waking up to her laughter and to the sweet sound of her voice is what made this trip, although sad and difficult, worth it all. Having her run up to me and hug me and tell me she loves me warmed my heart so much.

As I got ready to leave this morning, she didn’t leave my side. She helped me pack and watched me put on makeup. She laughed with me and gave me kisses and hugs. We played “Rescue” and I tickled her. And as I got ready to go, I kneeled down and got a kiss from her. She gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Tears started to roll. I didn’t want to leave this girl. I didn’t want to spend another 6 months away from her and have to miss her growing up. She said, “I miss you.” Her eyes looked so sad. I said, “I miss you too.” She stood at the door, while I started to walk out the car. I had her come out so I could do “Eye Winker, Tom Tinker” one more time. I told her to go inside and watch Spongebob as tears streamed down my face. She stood at the door and said she loved me over and over again. I told her to close the door and she ran up the stairs to look out the window. She waved to me until I couldn’t see her anymore and it took all I have to not break down. To not just stay. To not go back and swoop her up in my arms and tell her once again how much I truly love that little lady.

Even as I write this, tears well up in my eyes. I am so thankful that my sister gave me this beautiful niece that is so full of life and imagination. She is so smart and so wonderful to be around. I couldn’t ask for a better niece.

I said goodbye to a wonderful, amazing, man this weekend. I said goodbye to my Godfather. I saw his life is pictures and I saw so many of the people whose lives he touched- young and old. I feel so blessed that my sweet husband worked so hard so that I was able to be here for this. I got to spend time with those who are my family (even if not by blood). I got to see where I lived and where my heart has always been.

I got to be with my best friend from high school, with my sister and my seester. I got to spend some much needed time with Molly and talked to her in lengths about life. The trip just needed to be longer. I needed the trip to be longer.


I doubt I will ever get to go home again. I am going to have to place my roots somewhere else. But today I left my heart in Wyoming again- and it will stay there, with my Moogs, until I return.




Friday, July 22, 2011

The Voice

No, I am not talking about the singing show- although I love it! I am talking about the still small voice that has become such a great force in my life. I am talking about the way that God has prepared me for the path I am journeying on.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have felt the Spirit guiding me and preparing me for the future. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father has been preparing me to be a mother. My heart has felt at peace with the fact that we have struggled with conceiving. I KNOW I will be a mother one day.

I never expected that day to arrive so soon.

Last Saturday night, I received some news that changed my world. That changed our world. T and I became guardians of a 15 year old, H.

T's family has known H's family for quite a long time. H's older sister is best friends with T's little sister. Through them, I have developed close relationships with H and her sister C. I admire them for their faith, tenacity and strength. I am proud of each one of them and have LOVED watching their testimonies grow.

And when I was asked by H if she could stay with T and I, I instantly knew this was something God had been preparing me for. A conversation a few days later with H's mother (who is too ill to take care of H) asked me to be her guardian. We spoke with our Bishop and it was settled. We would take H in as our own and do everything we can to have a home for her that is structured, full of love and centered in God.

Even with a few questions in the back of our mind and some reservations (can we parent a 15 year old? Will she respect us? Can we separate ourselves as friends and be her authority?), we have readily accepted the challenge God has placed before us.

And my heart feels glad, whole. Maybe it is because I finally get to be a mom of sorts.... Or maybe it is because I know I can impact this young woman's life. I know that ALL of the things I have gone through will provide me with some of the wisdom I need to guide her, to help her and be an example to her.

In just the short time she has already stayed with us, we have started to work on her Personal Progress (morals and values a young woman in the Church learns through prayer, scripture and projects). We are working on integrity and virtue right now. Through virtue, we are reading the Book of Mormon in 97 days. We also included H's mom and a newly converted member to this project. In compliance with virtue, H keeping her commitment to us to read 5.5 pages a day will complete her integrity project. She also taught FHE on Monday. Her spirit is so sweet.

For now, we are taking this one day at a time. We hope to see her mom recovered within 90 days. But if not, we will go from there. We have never been more busy, as we are active within our ward, I am working out, working overtime and I now have a beautiful lady to watch over, feed and nurture.

I am flying into Wyoming today for my Godfather's memorial on Saturday. I am excited to be able to be there to celebrate his life and to spend some much needed time with my sister and my niece. I am hoping to go back to the Ward where I started my journey on Sunday and then Monday I leave. Short but sweet.

Hope this finds all of you well.

All my love
Cass <3



Sunday, July 17, 2011

Tonight

Tonight my heart breaks.
It has been a long since my heart longed for a baby.
Maybe it is because I get my cravings fulfilled at church with all the beautiful babies there.
But tonight as my husband and I talked about our future- I felt my heart break.
Tears stream down my face as I think about not being a mommy.
As I think about what it would be like to hold my own baby.
To watch my sweet angel sleep on my chest.

I have tried to be strong.
To put my faith in God.
I know He knows what He is doing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I feel like part of me is missing.
That I am not good enough.
I am not filling my calling on this Earth.
That I am failing my husband.
My Heavenly Father.

Tonight, I want a family.
I want a baby to cry at night.
And to poop, eat and sleep.
I want to know what it is like to be exhausted.
To do feedings in the middle of the night.
And to have my babies cuddle me.

Tonight, my heart longs for a baby.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

On June 23rd at 9:36 am, Fiona Feyisayo Obakeye was born. She weighed 4 pounds 14 ounces and was 18 inches long. She was 7 weeks early, but she is very strong and doing very well. And so is my aunt! I am so very excited and ecstatic for my aunt and uncle. I can't wait to meet sweet Fi! Just a few more weeks :)






Isn't she beautiful!!!!?????!!!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I have been wanting to write about this particular subject for some time now.
I guess it is partly because I want to justify myself
And maybe defend myself
But more so, to help people understand.

I have had a lot of obstacles in my life.
I have struggled with some extremely difficult problems in my life.
I have always been a pretty vocal person.
I have never been shy to share my experiences or to offer advice when asked.
And even now as I struggle with infertility, mental illness and addiction- I am not afraid to share my story.

I don't care what people think of me.
If they judge me.
They haven't walked in my shoes.
They don't know what I have gone through.
And those that love me will never judge me or think less of me.

I am often reminded that we all have struggles.
We were placed on this Earth to become the best person we can be.
We will have obstacles placed in front of us.
It is what we do with those obstacles that will determine how life will go for us.

I believe more now that because of my experiences, I will be able to help others.
I know that I finish my studies to become a teacher, that I will be able to make a difference.
I know that this is what I have always been meant to do with my life.

Am I ashamed of the choices I make?
Sometimes.
Do I regret the choices I've made?
Sometimes.
But I refuse to live in the past anymore.
I am moving forward.
I refuse to hide who I am.

I AM bipolar.
I AM infertile
I AM a recovering addict.
And I AM happy.

I am taking my mistakes, my faults and using them to my advantage.
I am becoming a healthier, better, stronger woman.
And slowly but surely, as I admit my feats and work on them- I know I will make it.

I think more than anything, my faith in God has changed.
Magnified.
I became desperate for Him.
And now I am striving everyday to be like Him.
To follow the promises I have made.
To be the daughter He created me to be.

I will always have a long way to go.
I will always fall short.
But that is why the Atonement is so glorious.
That is why I am so grateful for the cross Jesus chose to bear.
For me.
For you.
For this world.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Another milestone

Today, I have been clean and sober for 150 days.
Today, I am happy that I made the decision to get help.
Today, I am happy that the people who love me confronted me.
Today, I am happy.

Today, I want to help others who struggle with addiction or abusing drugs or alcohol.
Today, I am getting healthy.
Today, I am going to a counselling.
Today, I am happy.

Today, I feel better than I ever have.
Today, I am excited for the future.
Today, I am relying on God.
Today, I am happy.

I can't imagine having done this without my family and my friends.
Tom has been incredible. His faith in me never falters and he loves me unconditionally. I am truly blessed to have him as my husband.
I am not sure if I ever thanked any of you for your concern and for voicing your concerns.
I am sure I was angry *although I really don't remember*
But today, I couldn't be more grateful.
My whole world has changed.
And for the first time, in a very long, I am happy, truly happy.

Thank you for your endless prayers, love, support and words.
I am eternally grateful.

All my love.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Wedded bliss #4

Proposal: how it happened, how long were you engaged for? was it a total surprise? pictures of that... etc.


Now this isn't the most romantic proposal ever- but it works for us.

Without going into too much detail :) Tom had come over to my house for my very first missionary discussion. It happened to also be Halloween of 2007. After my first discussion, Tom picked me up and carried me to bed. He then tucked me in and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Of course I said yes! But I made a stipulation... he had to ask my daddy.

So the next day, he called my father and asked him if he could marry me.
My dad said yes with the following conditions, he meets Tom and that we were engaged for at least a year.

So that December, Tom and I flew to Denver where my daddy welcomed him into the family.

Not exactly a year later (a year and 3 days after we met), Tom and I were married.

We got sealed for time and all eternity 364 days later.

BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was I surprised? Yes. I didn't expect him to do it that night. We had talk about it- even had promise rings- but I had no idea.

No pictures, but it was one of the greatest moments of my life.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I'M ON A ROLL THIS TIME AND HEAVEN IS IN SIGHT

I know I know I know... it has been a while since I have written.
I just haven't felt like writing until recently- and life has picked up, so there is even less time for writing now, but since I am alone at the in-laws doing our laundry, I figured why not write?
Why not catch you up on our ever busy life? Ha!

Where do I begin?

I thought a lot about venting about a current frustration, but then after some prayer and reflection, I realized that I shouldn't get myself so worked up about a situation that I cannot control. I have done all I can do and now it is time for FAITH!

Yesterday, I returned to work after being on leave for 2 months. It felt really good to be back. And while I know this isn't what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life, I do want to take advantage of this time to save money, pay off debt and get our lives started. It is also a HUGE motivator to finish school. I don't want to wake up dreading going into work for the rest of my life. I want to love my job. I want to make sure that I do what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Tom is loving his new job and is quickly turning into their prized possession. He was told yesterday that within 6 months to a year, they expect him to be the warehouse manager and to be helping out with the computer side of things (I knew his love for computers would come in handy one day)!!! And I LOVE him working. I LOVE taking care of the house and taking care of the chores. I LOVE knowing that we are going to be able to pay off all of our debt, save money, buy a house, get a new car, travel and enjoy life a little more now that we both have full time employment. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off both of our shoulders. It is really so nice.

I have been working out so much. I had to stop running (momentarily) because my shin splints (they got so bad, I thought I was never going to walk again), but I have been swimming instead. It has always been my sanctuary and it still is. It feels so good to get into the pool and just release all of my frustrations out on the water. I love the feeling of streaming through the water. I love the feeling of my arms pulling me through. I love the feeling of the water on my legs. I love blowing bubbles when I breathe. It just all does my heart something good. I am also watching my calorie intake. 1200 calories a day. Lots of water. It feels great. I am motivated and am ready to get back into shape. And then stay in shape.

Life on the mental health front seems to be leveling out (FINALLY)! Because Tom and I would like to start trying to have a family again at the beginning of the year, it was recommended that I stop taking 3 out of the 6 medications I was on. It isn't good to be on them once you've conceived, and it can take up to 6 months for it all to be out of your system. The other 3 (one of the them birth control) will be stopped in January. I plan on being medication free while trying to conceive and during the pregnancy. I have been told that it is OK to be on some of these medications while you are pregnant, but there are still risks, and risks I am not willing to take. As far as my mental status, it could change, but I will be seeing my therapist on a weekly basis during all of that time so that everything can be monitored safely. I am thankful that a plan has already been placed down, so that I know what is to come (as much as I can know anyways).

At the beginning of the post today, I mentioned that all I can do right now is have faith. It has been a rough couple of months, preceded by some really horrible periods in my (our) life. I know that I wouldn't be able to recognize the blessings that we have received had we not had to go through some of the obstacles that have been placed in front of us. I know that we are only stronger in our faith in God because we were steadfast and held onto the iron rod. I am in no way perfect. I have fallen, stumbled, scraped my hands and knees, all but given up, and turned my back, but God kept carrying me, holding my close and letting me know how much He loves me. How much He loves us. How proud He is of us and our faith.

My testimony grows each and every day.
I have a few experiences that I would like to share.

The first one happened yesterday. One of the ladies I work with gave me a ride home yesterday. We will call her Tete. Tete is 4 months pregnant with her 3rd child. Her husband hasn't worked in over 2 years. She works the same job I do, same hours. She drives one hour (or more depending on traffic) each way to work. Things are really difficult for them. She has been worried about getting her electric bill paid so that it doesn't get turned off. She has waited so long to pay it that it is well over $500.00. And yet, despite all of the turmoil, she has such an air about her. She still smiles and laughs. She does her job well. She was gracious to give me a ride home. She still has faith that everything will work out. When I got out of the car yesterday, my heart was overcome with graciousness. Tom and I will never have to worry about our bills being paid. We've had to humbly ask for help several times, and we've never been turned away. I felt so grateful that we haven't received the blessing of having a child yet. God needed us to wait. He needed us to be able to provide a good life for His children. Now, I am not saying Tete doesn't do a good job, but how much easier would it be if they both had jobs? And to have a 3rd child, with diapers and formula... I couldn't imagine. And maybe that is why we are just now being prepared to start a family?

On Sunday, it was fast and testimony meeting at Church. For those of you who are not familiar with the Church, this is where for the first hour, members of the Church, get up in front of everyone and bear their testimony. We also fast for two meals and give the money we would spend on those meals to tithing. Now it is not rare for me to fast with a purpose. A prayer, or well wishes, a problem or some guidance, but Sunday, I was drawing a blank. Tom was there at Church with me, we had picked up our friend H, who also brought a friend and life was good.
(Some background)---- up until a couple of months ago, Tom and I really hadn't been going to Church. We would go to Sacrament maybe once a month, but found sleeping in to be what would hold us from attending Church. When we don't go, we don't pay our tithing, we don't get to be in fellowship, and we don't get to learn and we really drift from where we should be in our lives. Now turn back to April 17. Tom and I went to Church with his mom and dad. And it was incredible. And we've been going ever since. Tom now has Sundays off (another blessing) and we get to spend the WHOLE day together.

.... back to the point.... Hearing people bear their testimonies and witnessing to us is always a treat. It always helps my own personal testimony grow. But one in particular really touched me. And it wasn't given at our Church- it is from a blog that I have been following for sometime now. Her name is Red Hot (obviously changed to protect her) and she has an incredible story. A changed heart. The glory that comes from Repentance and from the Atonement. You can see her blog here. Her story, her faith, her courage and her love has changed me. And every time she shares something wonderful about the Gospel or about her own personal life, I am made better. I hope that I can be that type of person too. I want to be the light that Christ has instilled in me. I want people to want what I have. I want to be an example. And I want to live a life that will get me next to Heavenly Father one da

Also on Sunday, I was reminded to thank my MIL for all she does to help me. For some, it may not seem like much, but to me, it is everything. I have learned how to cook, how to sew (some stuff), how to be more creative, and because of Victoria, I am slowly starting to become the type of wife/mother I want to be. I love learning new things from her all the time. Things I never knew before. And I love that she takes the time to be with me, to spend with me, to make me feel special. I can't imagine having a better MIL. I don't know how else to thank her than to just show her or tell her. I want to take her out sometime, just the two of us. I love our walks and our talks. I love that I can tell her anything, and I have NEVER felt like she has ever judged me. I have so much respect and love for this woman. I have watched her change over the last 4 years into a very happy, self-assured person. She has helped me realize that change is constant, that life is not to be put to waste living on regrets. I love our scripture study and our conversations about the Gospel. She is just another HUGE blessing in my life and I couldn't have made it this far without her. Thanks Mom for always being there. I am eternally grateful!

Other than that- life is pretty dull.
July, I head to Wyoming for my Godfather's funeral.
I can't wait to spend time with Moogie (as well as other family)
Maybe by then my aunt and uncle's little girl will be here :)
We will go back to Colorado when she is baptized.
September, we are planning on going camping for our 3rd anniversary with Tom's parents.
And Incubus is coming to San Francisco October 9th and I desperately want to go.

I hope I didn't forget anything, but if I did, oh well.

I hope all is well with you!

Much love! <3
XOXO

P.S. If you haven't heard the new Coldplay song---- GO LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!!!!!

(I had already posted this, when I was folding laundry and remembered this)
In Relief Society on Sunday, we were talking about how important it is to follow the Prophet. The Sunday before, I had expressed an experience I had during the week that had really taught me the importance of following the Prophet.

Now most of you know, I have been struggling to conceive children. Tom and I tried for almost 3 years, before taking a break. It has been one of the toughest battles of my life. There has been a lot of crying, bargaining, praying, heartache and faith. While in Sunday school, I talked about how I had just read an article about caffeine and how it can hinder fertility. Now the Prophets have never really talked about caffeine per say, but coffee and tea we are asked to abstain from. And before I become LDS, I loved coffee- I still love coffee and even more so I love tea, iced tea to be exact. I never really understood why we were asked to abstain from it. I thought it was just silly mumbo jumbo, but then it hit me- we were counseled, we were asked to do things that would only help us- never hinder us. I will now ALWAYS follow the Prophet and His counsel. No matter what it is, I will follow.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Wedded bliss #3

2. When you knew he was the one: self explanatory.. but how and when did you know?

It was almost immediate. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and Tom treated me so well. We had talked about marriage and starting a family almost from the beginning. I loved that he was LDS (although not active when we met), I loved that he lived his life still according to the Gospel, I loved how he could make me laugh, I loved his laugh, his beautiful eyes, his smile, his sense of humor, his love for sports, his desire to make me happy. When I met his family, I knew I wanted to one day be apart of it. And when my dad gave him his blessing and welcomed him to the family, that sealed the deal. We had our fair share of struggles. We still have them, but we've grown together. I love him more now than I did yesterday and it keeps growing as eternal companions, as husband and wife, as friends.

The night we got engaged!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Wedded Bliss #1

1. How it all began: how you met, first date, first kiss, how long did you date? first picture together.....etc.

Well... Tom and I met online. Through a silly website. I was looking for friends, he was looking for me ;) --- so he messaged me about playing volleyball. We started to email back and forth, eventually exchanged numbers, and then agreed to meet. I freaked out and totally stood him up on our first date. He texted me the next day asking me what happened and I told him I would make it up to him. I had him come over to my house, where we ate bbq and took a swim. He kissed me that night and then asked me to be his girlfriend. We dated for just under two months before we got engaged and then we were engaged for exactly 1 year and 3 days from the first day we met. We were sealed for time and all eternity 364 days later :) I pretty much knew from the first date that he was the one I was meant to be with. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives growing together.

<3

Wedded Bliss

I am finding it hard to write lately- so here goes the Wedding Blog Challenge! Thanks for the idea!!!

1. how it all began: how you met, first date, first kiss, how long did you date? first picture together.....etc.


2. when you knew he was the one: self explanatory.. but how and when did you know?

3. proposal: how it happened, how long were you engaged for? was it a total surprise? pictures of that... etc.

4. the ring: tell us about it! did you pick it out? did he? pictures! tell us about his ring too!

5. engagement/bridal pictures: let's see em!

6. the colors: show some of the flower and colors you used

7. the dress: was it what you always imagined? did you have it made for you? white or ivory?

8. the little accessories: you know, veil? shoes? jewelry? what did your bridesmaids wear?

9. the ceremony and reception: where was it at? show us some pictures! what day did you get married?

10. the cake/food: i love food. so tell me about what you had at your wedding!

11. your song and/or the first song you danced to at your wedding: share a music video or lyrics if you can!

12. favorite part of the day and least favorite part of the day: can be anything.

13. honeymoon: where did you go? was it good? ;) haha...jk.

14. thoughts on marriage: what is the easiest/hardest part? if you could change anything, what would it be?

15. first place that you lived together: pics if you have them!

16. kids: do you have any yet? if not, when do you plan on it? how many do you want? any tips on good/bad birth control?

17. most recent picture of you and your significant other and what you love most about them :) and any other thoughts.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Get some!

I know it has been a bit since I last wrote here.
Life has been crazy, and it has finally started to calm down.
Well sort of.
IOP is over.
Now it is just therapy.
At least one day a week.
And new medication.
At first it was just seroquel.
It is a mood stabilizer and a sedative.
I found myself being heavily sedated in the morning.
So they brought me down to a smaller dose, which only led to the start of another hypomania episode.
So they put me back on 300mg of seroquel and added depokote (another mood stabilizer).
This caused me to be even more sedated than before.
So today, they brought me back down to 150mg and told me to continue with the depokote.
But if I start to experience hypomania, I need to increase my medication.
I hate having to keep going up and down on the meds.
I hate having to take them.
But I would rather take them then feel what I was feeling before.

I hope and pray I can return to work on Monday.
Things just seem a bit more manageable when I have something to focus most of my time towards.
Tom is working a lot.
He has a new job that is keeping him busy on the days he is not at Kohl's.
He is almost done at Kohl's and I can hardly wait.
He seems happier at the new place.

I have lost almost 50 pounds.
I am walking a lot with my MIL.
I am planning on running a 5K in October with Tom's brother Lee and Victoria.
I love feeling better.
Healthier.
I am eating better.
Doing more.
My back hardly hurts anymore.
And I want to be another 50 pounds lighter before we try and make babies again.
So I have got some goals to work at.

Well thats the update for now.
Hope all is well with you and yours.

XOXO

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Blessings come in ALL shapes and sizes!


Mama Taylor and I at the Temple <3


I have been wanting to blog for a few days now and every time I would start one, my brain would just shut off. So, I am attempting yet again to update this thing which will then update you all.

First and foremost, I was finally helped! After 3 and a half weeks of struggling on my own, without much help from Kaiser, I was able to see a psychiatrist who oversees the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). Now mind you, I had to call Kaiser's member services and file complaints. I had to call the mental health department and get the manager of the department on the phone and complain, but my perseverance paid off. I read today that sometime you have to be your own doctor and I think that is the most sad thing I have heard in a long time, yet so very true. If a doctor won't help you, give you medicine to mask the symptoms and send you on your way, or chooses not to believe you, you have to take it into your own hands. If 2 doctors disagree, you have to decide what to do next. In a country where we pay so much for medical insurance and pay our doctors, one would think that they would take their job a bit more seriously. Nonetheless, on Thursday I saw Dr. Meers. We spent an our going through my symptoms, talking over my problems and coming up with a solution. She agreed I needed to attend IOP. We set up some goals of what I would like to achieve while I am attending the program. She agreed that I was experiencing hypomania or mania (we are still not sure as she was seeing me start to fluctuate between the highs and low). Over the next two weeks, I will be attending intensive group therapy 5 times a week. I have spoken with doctor, specifically for IOP, and discussed my medication. I am continuing on Seroquel at 300-400 mg for the next two weeks. I am also taking my normal antidepressant as well as an antidepressant that is used for sleeping more so than depression. I am going to learn how to develop coping skills for when I start to experience any form of mania (whether hypo or full blown). I will and have already learned how to recognize warning signs of when I start to experience an episode.
------ For those of you who aren't familiar with the lingo... I will explain.
Mania is defined by medterms.com as: " An abnormally elevated mood state characterized by such symptoms as inappropriate elation, increased irritability, severe insomnia, grandiose notions, increased speed and/or volume of speech, disconnected and racing thoughts, increased sexual desire, markedly increased energy and activity level, poor judgment, and inappropriate social behavior."
Hypomania is defined as: "A condition similar to mania but less severe. The symptoms are similar with elevated mood, increased activity, decreased need for sleep, grandiosity, racing thoughts, and the like. However, hypomanic episodes differ in that they do not cause significant distress or impair one's work, family, or social life in an obvious way while manic episodes do. Hypomanic people tend to be unusually cheerful, have more than ample energy, and need little sleep. Hypomania is a pleasurable state. It may confer a heightened sense of creativity and power. However, hypomania can subtly impair a person's judgment. Too much confidence can conceal the consequences of decisions. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness. It is important to diagnose hypomania because, as an expression of bipolar disorder, it can cycle into depression and carry an increased risk of suicide."
Mixed episode is defined as: "...a period of time in which both the criteria to diagnose a major depressive episode and a manic episode are fully met, except for the duration requirements of each. The mood problem (manic alternating with depressive symptoms) takes place nearly every day for a total of at least a week."
Depression in the bipolar disorder is normally characterized just like that of clinical depression.-------

Now that I have addressed one of the issues, the next is very exciting for me.
Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to see one of our Apostles, Elder Russel M. Nelson, speak today at our stake conference. Getting there was no easy feat. Tom and I spent the night at his parent's house, which had 2 cats (one of them I am not sure I want to call my own right now) going nuts all night long. 6 o'clock came and we were woken up. Tom, at that point, had decided he was not going (he got off work at 11:30 and didn't get to sleep until 1 or so. I bartered with my sleeping body (the seroquel is not only a mood stabilizer but also a sedative and since has started to work in just the last two days or so, I am really groggy all day long). I won, got up, got dressed and Bill (Tom's dad), Victoria (Tom's mom) and I were on our way to Oakland at 7:15. We got there at about 8 and had about an hour of time to kill. I swooned myself with babies (my friend's babies) and got to talk to some friends whom I haven't had the chance to speak to in quite sometime. Then conference started. And it was amazing. A new Patriarch was sustained and the talks were incredible. It had been quite some time since I had felt the Spirit so strongly. My body would get goosebumps over and over again. My eyes would fill with tears. I wished so badly Tom would have come. I remember why I became a Member. I had been reminded last week, but it was only confirmed that much more this week. I felt so grateful to have been there.

I feel as though God is starting to prepare me to be a mother. I am so glad that Tom and I have decided to wait until next January (and I have to be 50 pounds lighter) to start trying again. I feel like all that we have gone through in the last few months would have been so hard (and nearly impossible) had we been parents. And I can see God using me. Preparing me. I know now that I will be a mom. Before, I wasn't so sure.

Tom has had a second interview with a company in Concord. We are hopeful and excited at the prospect of this job. It is a warehouse job for a water company. It will be great experience and hopefully we will find out this week whether or not he got the job.

My faith has grown immensely over the past few weeks. I have been given inspirtation over and over again the last two weeks. Many talks have been about sharing the Gospel and about the importance of our actions. I received an email from K stating the exact same thing. Today, we had a new Patriarch sustained in our Stake. In the church, a Patriartical Blessing is a gift we receive from the Patriarch. He receives his inspiration from our Heavenly Father. I have been blessed to have been given mine almost 3 years ago. Now while these are very sacred and very personal, I feel the promptings to share this. My Patriartical Blessing states that through my actions, my family will follow my example. For a long time, I thought that meant my immediate family (mom, dad, sisters, brother). I have since learned that it is ALL of my family. My husband, my in-laws, ALL my brothers, and ALL my sisters, my grandparents, my friends, and even myself. My actions have been far from worthy. They have not shown that I am a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I want to SHINE! I want people to ask what I have that they don't. I have a strong testimony of tithing and of the Temple. I know we have a Prophet in these latter days. I know that He has called men to be His Apostles and to spread the Word. I know the truthfulness of the Gospel. I know the trueness of the Church. And today just confirmed it.

I can't wait to get back to the Temple. I can't wait until I can be back in the House of the Lord. The joy I experience there is unlike any other.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Incoherent

Where to begin?
   I was diagnosed with bipolar ii over a year ago, by a doctor that I had a lot of respect for.  He has since gone on a medical leave, leaving me to be swallowed whole by the bureaucracy of the medical system.
   I've never had a hypomania or mania episode until recently. I'm not even positive that this is that. I can only go off the research I can find online or at the local bookstore. My thoughts are racing. Too many at once. They are just firing out of control and this makes me feel sick. I remember having these as a kid. Racing, rapid, firing thoughts about everything. Everything would slow down as my brain would try and grasp what it was I was trying to figure out. It is happening now. Going on 3 weeks today. Sleep seems to elude me. I crave it. I miss it. I miss my dreams. And I feel like I'm about to lose control. Any moment now it'll happen. If T sniffles one more time. If the cat jumps across me again.... Working is not an option. I can barely keep myself together. My husband is my reason. I've tried to reach out. Called the mental health department for 2 weeks before getting a call back. Once I did, it was an on-call doctor who gave me seroquel and told me to call back after the weekend. Did that and I got an appointment with my psychiatrist who spent less than 10 minutes with me, upped my dosage of seroquel and told me to meet with a therapist. The following day, I met with a therapist and within 10 minutes was telling me I wasn't bipolar and I just had mommy issues. I left feeling so confused and still unsure of what to do. So I called the advice line and was told to see my primary care physician, who told me today that she couldn't help me. Mental health won't excuse me from work and now I am going to lose my job. Awesome. More stress. Do I need to lose it to get help? Do I need to start cutting again? Can't a girl get some help? I am trying to reach out before it gets to be too much. I'm not sure how much more I can take. 
  I've taken 400mg of seroquel tonight, with the hopes it calms my brain. Praying it sedates me. I'm not sure if I can be alone with my thoughts one more night. Yet, I don't seem to have a choice. I keep being brought back to this place. Despair. Hopelessness. Grief. And yet, I have all this pent up energy. I feel like I could explode any moment. My thoughts are crazy. Irrational. Horrifying even. 

I am stuck.
Someone please deliver me.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Here

One of the blogs I follow had this written in it today. I didn't change anything as what Stefanie had to say was perfect. I needed this. As I struggle lately, to find my balance, to find what is true, I know that Christ is there through it all. You can visit Stefanie's blog here

Thanks lady for allowing me to steal your post! It really hit home. :)


General Conference / April 2011
The Atonement Covers All Pain
Kent F. Richards
Of the Seventy

Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.”


As a surgeon, I found that a significant portion of my professional time was taken up with the subject of pain. Of necessity I surgically inflicted it almost daily—and much of my effort was then spent trying to control and alleviate pain.

I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.
Like you, I have experienced pain myself. Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Similarly, Elder Robert D. Hales has said:
“Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …
“I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”
Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault. Unexpected events, contradicting or disappointing circumstances, interrupting illness, and even death surround us and penetrate our mortal experience. Additionally, we may suffer afflictions because of the actions of others. Lehi noted that Jacob had “suffered … much sorrow, because of the rudeness of [his] brethren.” Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.
The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.

“He suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children.”

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality.
There is another kind of pain for which we are responsible. Spiritual pain lies deep within our souls and can feel unquenchable, even as being racked with an“inexpressible horror,” as Alma described. It comes from our sinful actions and lack of repentance. For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, “Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?”
Christ Himself taught:

“And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me. … “Therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me.”

Perhaps His most significant work is in the ongoing labor with each of us individually to lift, to bless, to strengthen, to sustain, to guide, and to forgive us.
As Nephi saw in vision, much of Christ’s mortal ministry was devoted to blessing and healing the sick with all kinds of maladies—physical, emotional, and spiritual. “And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases. … And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God.”
Alma also prophesied that “he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and … he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. …
“That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”
Late one night lying in a hospital bed, this time as a patient and not as a physician, I read those verses over and over again. I pondered: “How is it done? For whom? What is required to qualify? Is it like forgiveness of sin? Do we have to earn His love and help?” As I pondered, I came to understand that during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.
President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”
I felt the encircling arms of His love that night. Tears watered my pillow in gratitude. Later, as I was reading in Matthew about Christ’s mortal ministry, I made another discovery: “When the even was come, they brought unto him many … and he … healed all that were sick.” He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away.
As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.
I have noted that children are often more naturally accepting of pain and suffering. They quietly endure with humility and meekness. I have felt a beautiful, sweet spirit surrounding these little ones.
Thirteen-year-old Sherrie underwent a 14-hour operation for a tumor on her spinal cord. As she regained consciousness in the intensive care unit, she said: “Daddy, Aunt Cheryl is here, … and … Grandpa Norman … and Grandma Brown … are here. And Daddy, who is that standing beside you? … He looks like you, only taller. … He says he’s your brother, Jimmy.” Her uncle Jimmy had died at age 13 of cystic fibrosis.
“For nearly an hour, Sherrie … described her visitors, all deceased family members. Exhausted, she then fell asleep.”
Later she told her father, “Daddy, all of the children here in the intensive care unit have angels helping them.”
To all of us the Savior said:
“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
“Fear not, little children, for you are mine. …
“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd.”
Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.” The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”
I bear testimony that He is our Redeemer, our Friend, our Advocate, the Great Physician, the Great Healer. In Him we can find peace and solace in and from our pain and our sins if we will but come unto Him with humble hearts. His “grace is sufficient.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.



The story about the girl in the hospital bed give me the chills. I think about how many angels were surrounding me the day I gave birth to Olivia and they were there to comfort me in the extreme pain of placing Olivia for adoption. I know through the pain and the tears that those angels were giving me all of their strength to be able to let Olivia be with her eternal family.


This song means a lot to me, I just wanted to share it.

"Here"
Rascal Flatts

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here


It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A label

As I am driving home from Southern California, I am puzzled. Most of the weekend, I have thought and been asked a question. A question that I have had to learn the definition of in many forms. Am I an addict?

Narcotics Anonymous says, "Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another- the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

My trip to Southern California was to help my cousin with her state board test for cosmotology. She needed a model and I needed a break. A girl's weekend. I had a rough week before this trip. I had found out about the passing of my Godfather and family friend. It shook my world. He was 80 years young. I was not prepared to be met with this. I did not think that the last time I saw him this summer would be the last time. I just needed to get away. I had called my mother to speak to her in regards to Jess. I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I felt. My heart hurt. Something feirce. I miss him. And that night was no exception. It only seemed more real as I watched Miley Cyrus in a movie. Yes, I said it. Miley Cyrus. I was overcome with grief and I did the only thing I could think of... I call my mom. She helped me understand that it is loss and she just listened. That was enough. The next day, I called to thank her and I told her that I was going to see my cousin who is also her Goddaughter. She responded, "Are you out of your mind?" Not understanding, I asked. "What are you and her going to do while you are down there?" (Implying that I would use). I assured her I wouldn't. I had a girlfriend going with me. I was prepared. Not that I was expecting to do anything anyways... but as my husband would say, "Always be prepared." There was some more condescending talk, something about how I didn't think I needed treatment. But that got me thinking.... Am I really an addict?

My best friend has said that I am not an addict, but it was more the ability to escape from whatever pain it was that I was feeling. I think I have finally started to get a grip on what it was that was causing me so much pain. Or at least I have scratched the surface. Allow me to enlighten you.

The relationship with my mother has been less than ideal most of my life. I cannot really speak of the first few years as I do not remember much, but from what I have been told, it was never really great. She had already treated me differently. Even my father told me while we were in France together that he was sorry for the way my mom treated me. What I have always felt, seemed to be validated.... if not with those who have told me, but by just that, my own feelings. Never being able to admit it to myself caused quite a bit of angst among myself.... I would go to many lengths to try and get her to love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. I tried the good and the bad. I tried tending to her when she was sick, or when she was heartbroken. I tried being her friend, what I thought was the perfect daughter. I tried out for swimming and dated boys she approved of or didn't approve of to get attention from her. I tried it all. Only to fail time and time again. That defeat ruined me. It hurt me. It felt and still feels like it will never be enough for her. I went to day treatment so that she might see that I really need her. I have needed her. In the end, I learned so much more. I don't need my mother. Of course, I would like her there, but I don't need her. I don't need the pain that comes with our relationship. I have learned that I will be ok without her. If I am not enough for my own mother to want to be around me then I don't need that relationship. I am better than that. And I am finally believing that.

My parent's divorce had a profound affect on me. It hurt. Deeply. And for so long, I didn't talk about it. In fact, I still haven't, really. It started at a young age, with parents trying to make it work for the kids, only to have apartment visits and angry parents while we tried to grow up and be normal. It ended, at least for me, while I was in a foreign country. I came home, after being gone a year, to no home, no family, no bed. My dogs were gone. My family was destroyed and I was just supposed to pretend like it didn't hurt. My mother wasn't there to meet me at the gate when I got home, like she was for my sister. My father was away at work. My brother and my sister had each other. I was alone. In turn, my actions later, would have an effect on not only me, but my grandparents, my family, my relationships with men and with my friends. It still hurts me. I understand that my parents will never be together again. I understand we will never have the family we maybe once could have had. I am happy for each of my parents as each of them have seemed to find their own happiness. But the hurt is still there. The fear of abadonment is still there. The fear of failing is still there. And there is no one to talk to about it. No one to make sense of it. No one to help me make sense of it. And in turn, I am trying to make sense of it by myself. It will be something that I work on for a long time. I am bound and determined to make my marriage work. Yes, there are mistakes I have made, WE have made, but I love my husband. He is my eternal companion. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't know what to do without him.

I made a choice when I was 23. A choice that still haunts me. A choice that if I had to do over, I probably would. This choice doubted a lot of the people who have supported me and thier love for me. This choice has made me cry tears I never knew exsisted. I know that God has a plan. I know I was meant to marry my husband. It wasn't by chance. But had I made a different choice, would we still be together? Would my pain be any different? Would I not think differently? Would the pain I feel inside not be there? It is something I will never be able to get out of my head or my heart. But, I need to learn to forgive myself. I made a choice and I am thankful that my life has turned out the way it has. I am thankful that God has continued to bless me. I am unworthy of His grace, but I know that it is because of His only Begotton that I am here today.

Those are the big ones in my life. I am dealing with them daily and facing them head on rather than hiding behind something... anything. I am bound and determined to make this work. Through therapy and writing and talking with my friends, my husband, my mother in law, my family... I am getting better. This has all been an emotional uphill battle. It has been in the works my whole life. Isn't it about time that I start anew? Fresh? Without labels?

I am not an addict. My life was not destroyed by the one time over consumption of pills. My life has been on the wrong course long before drugs of any sort, alchohol of any kind and bad behavior on my part, ever exsisted. Will I continue to obstain from these things? Absolutely. Why? Because they aren't bettering my life. They are only made it more difficult to manage. I had a problem. I had been taking pain pills for many reasons, mostly the wrong ones, for a long time. But I was not addicted. I have a lot on my plate and come August, even more. I am officially enrolled to go back to school. So while I am not a mommy yet, I am still striving to live my dream as a wife, a teacher, a helper, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter and just someone trying to make it in this world. And I will. I have no doubts.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Taking Care of Ourselves

Day 55

I am beginning to realize how important it is to take care of me.
For so long, I have been trying please everyone around me.
I want to fix everyone.
Take care of everyone.
That I forgot about me and what I need and want.
Slowly but surely, I am finding myself getting comfortable with me.
I am learning how to take care of me.
And it is harder than you think.

My main focus everyday is my husband.
What can I do to make him happy?
Does he know I love him?
How can I show him?
And this is how it is supposed to be.
Him in front of me.
Always.
But I am learning that sometimes, I just need to step away and be wih myself.
So I take a drive.
Sit out on the back porch.
Watch my own tv shows.

I had an experience yesterday at group that has made me focus on me.
I was explaining my last week and the events that had happened.
I cried when I talked about my sister and Moogs leaving.
I told them that I might be pregnant
And the mixed emotions I have about it.
(I am 6 days late- Saturday I test)
During break, my therapist took me into her office.
And she, very sternly, said "You can absolutely not have unprotected sex while you are on suboxen."
I was shocked!!!
Not only that, but my UA came back with benzos in my system.
I KNOW I have not taken any in at least 45 days.
I am not sure why my system won't just get rid of them.
And when I tell my therapist that I am not using, she looks at me like I am a big fat liar.
I felt like such a little person.

But then I realized I have to take care of me.
Right now, I am not sure if group is the best thing for me.
Maybe just going to meetings
And focusing on my recovery and my family.

So today, I will take care of me... and Tom... and Titan.
I will work on me.
I will worry about no one else.
Or what anyone else cares.
And those that love me for the person I am and am becoming
Will be apart of my life
Those that don't and choose not to
Will not be.
It will be as simple as that.
I need to focus on the more positive aspects of my life.
And that is a lot.
For I am one blessed wife, daughter, sister, friend, niece, granddaughter...etc.

<3

Surrender

It is funny.
I have been praying so long to be a mommy.
And now that I am 5 days late, I am so scared.
I have taken two pregnancy tests, both negative.
Part of me is praying that "Aunt Flo" will arrive soon
The other part of me is so hopeful.

I read today, to just surrender to God, the things you have no control over.
This has been my most difficult battle.
My entire life.
I worry and stress over things I can't control.
I can't control Tom's work situation.
I can't control whether or not I get pregnant.
I can't control my mom.
My dad.
I just have to let go and let God.
But it is so hard.
I am learning though.
More now than ever before.
Just to surrender to God
And to trust in Him, in my Heavenly Father
That He will take care of me
Just like my own father does.

As I develop this deep, loving relationship with my Heavenly Father
I feel myself falling in love with Him.
It is different than falling in love my husband.
It is as though I have met my daddy.
My Comforter. My Best Friend.

I am three days behind on writing about my daily reflections.
Surrender.
Taking Care of Ourselves.
Living with Families.

I will do the other two in seperate posts.
Sorry for the long posts.
I just want to tell you everything thats going on.

All my love <3

Monday, March 7, 2011

Peace and Fulfillment

I have had issues with anxiety for a long time.
I remember as a young kid, my mind racing.
And not the racing that most think of.
But the racing of the days events, playing in my head, too fast to comprehend.
Too fast, that I would shake, or become terrified.
It would race of the future.
My body would become tense.
I would feel like I was almost losing it.
And I wouldn't be able to sleep.
Now.
I am learning to manage it without perscription medication.
I have learned to breathe through it.
Through the tears I want to cry
Through the range of emotions I feel.
One of the best things about the day treatment program was the acupuncture.
We would sit and meditate after that for about a half hour.
Breathing in and out.
And letting our minds just rest.
I now love to meditate.
I try and do it everyday.
On the way to work.
Or on the way home.
Right before bed.
Any time I feel anxious.
I am also learning how important it is to rely on my Heavenly Father.
He will meet my needs.
He will make sure I am fulfilled.
I am learning so much about His love for me.
How much He loves me.
He is my Father and I am so blessed to know Him.
I find our relationship becoming deeper.
As I try and become the best person I can be,
He helps me in knowing that He will make sure I am ok.
No matter what happens in my life,
He will guide me.
He will protect me.
He will love me.
And He will meet my needs.
Maybe not in my time,
But definately in His.

I got to spend the weekend with my sister and my beautiful niece.
At 3, she is so smart.
I love watching her be so engaged in everything she does.
Her imagination amazes me.
The world is so beautiful through her eyes.
We splashed in puddles on our walk.
And pretended the blocks were a tower.
We watched Cinderlla.
And we were all princesses.
I got smooches and hugs.
Lots of "I love you"s
Man I am going to miss her something fierce.
But she reminded me how to look at life.
To just live it.
Fully.
And to remember that God will take care of me.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Be Who You Are

I have been reading a book my mother gave me 8 years ago.
Its called, "The Language of Letting Go"
She has been trying to get me to read this book for years.
I never understood why.
It just seemed to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo and I didn't need to read that.
Nor did I want to.
But now, after all I have gone through.
And am going through, I have decided to read it.
And I even purchased one for my mother in law.
With the hopes that we could read it together and get something out of it together.
And we have.
I find my MIL changing in ways that are unexpected.
I find myself, agreeing with much of what this books has to say.
It seems to know me quite well.
Each day, is a new subject, all relating to the 12 step program.
Each day, it has me focus on a new topic.
And I am going to start writing each day my interpretation of what was written.
Today- it was BE WHO YOU ARE.
I am just now finding out who I really am.
For so long, I have hid under masks and pain.
I hid behind my smile and my "happiness."
Growing up we were told to keep what happens in the house inside the house.
I figured this also meant my anger, pain and anxiety.
When I walked out the front door, I put on my happy face and pretended like nothing was wrong most of the time.
I would be made fun of at school (fat cow with red hair and being mooed at while I was walking down the hall) and I refused to let them see my cry.
So I would just go home and cry myself to sleep.
I figured I had to be someone completetly different in order for people to like me.
Including my family.
More so, my mom.
I had to be the perfect daughter, and when that didn't work, I tried to get her attention by being horrible.
I would sneak out.
Sneak around.
Lie.
Cheat.
Steal.
Just so she would pay attention.
It never worked.
So I just pushed harder.
I remember once telling a girl in elementary school that my Uncle Johnny had brought me a monkey from some far off land just so she would come over and stay the night.
That night, my Uncle Dick passed away.
And I couldn't cry, not in front of this girl.
When all hell broke loose, I couldn't tell anyone.
Life was happy.
I was happy.
But secretly, severely depressed, cutting and hurting myself.
My emotions inside were so strong, that one night my dad had to sit on me to calm me down.
I would get so upset and cry so hard not being able to breathe.
I felt so misunderstood.
I had no idea who I was.

I have spent the last 10 years trying to figure it out.
And I think I am finally figuring it out.
And for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy.
I have realized that I need to be thankful for what I have.
Not to focus on the negative things in my life.
Not to try and change people, but to love them for them.
I have learned to love myself, even with all the flaws I have.
I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin.
And to not change myself around people.
They will love me for me, and if they don't they are missing out.

There will be no more lies.
Just to keep people around.
There will be no more stories.
Just to have people like me.
I am learning to be brutally honest
Even if it hurts me, or the other person.
Its not worth it.
There will be no more negative thoughts.
Even about people that hurt me or upset me.
I will pray for good things to happen to everyone.

Last night, I saw a different side of my MIL.
She was reading me some of the things she had written after reading her daily devotional from our book.
In one instance, I saw my grandmother.
It was the look on her face
And the things she said
As well as the sound of her voice
That took me back to when my grandmother would sit and talk to me
Provide advice and assistance
With her voice strong
And confident, I found myself tearing up
And being so grateful for these passionate, wonderful women of God that I have in my life.

Going through this journey has opened my eyes to so much.
I really want to open up a recovery center when I finish school.
A recovery center for teens AND thier families.
I believe that if Tom and Victoria were not here to support me,
I would not be so strong in my own recovery.
I believe having support from the families will only allow us to recover better and have a better chance of not going back.
I think that the family needs to understand the addiction and what goes on when one is addicted to a drug.
There are so many things that happen when someone is an addict
So many things that most don't know or understand.
I am blessed that my MIL has chosen to come to family and friends night in my early recovery group.
She is there every night I am there.
She will sit and listen and answer questions.
It is amazing to see how much she truly cares about me and wants me to get better.
I am so blessed to have her on this journey with me
And that she is getting something out of it to.
Who would have thought?

So here I am.
Bare.
Naked (not really).
This is me.
Will you still have me?