Be Who You Are

I have been reading a book my mother gave me 8 years ago.
Its called, "The Language of Letting Go"
She has been trying to get me to read this book for years.
I never understood why.
It just seemed to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo and I didn't need to read that.
Nor did I want to.
But now, after all I have gone through.
And am going through, I have decided to read it.
And I even purchased one for my mother in law.
With the hopes that we could read it together and get something out of it together.
And we have.
I find my MIL changing in ways that are unexpected.
I find myself, agreeing with much of what this books has to say.
It seems to know me quite well.
Each day, is a new subject, all relating to the 12 step program.
Each day, it has me focus on a new topic.
And I am going to start writing each day my interpretation of what was written.
Today- it was BE WHO YOU ARE.
I am just now finding out who I really am.
For so long, I have hid under masks and pain.
I hid behind my smile and my "happiness."
Growing up we were told to keep what happens in the house inside the house.
I figured this also meant my anger, pain and anxiety.
When I walked out the front door, I put on my happy face and pretended like nothing was wrong most of the time.
I would be made fun of at school (fat cow with red hair and being mooed at while I was walking down the hall) and I refused to let them see my cry.
So I would just go home and cry myself to sleep.
I figured I had to be someone completetly different in order for people to like me.
Including my family.
More so, my mom.
I had to be the perfect daughter, and when that didn't work, I tried to get her attention by being horrible.
I would sneak out.
Sneak around.
Lie.
Cheat.
Steal.
Just so she would pay attention.
It never worked.
So I just pushed harder.
I remember once telling a girl in elementary school that my Uncle Johnny had brought me a monkey from some far off land just so she would come over and stay the night.
That night, my Uncle Dick passed away.
And I couldn't cry, not in front of this girl.
When all hell broke loose, I couldn't tell anyone.
Life was happy.
I was happy.
But secretly, severely depressed, cutting and hurting myself.
My emotions inside were so strong, that one night my dad had to sit on me to calm me down.
I would get so upset and cry so hard not being able to breathe.
I felt so misunderstood.
I had no idea who I was.

I have spent the last 10 years trying to figure it out.
And I think I am finally figuring it out.
And for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy.
I have realized that I need to be thankful for what I have.
Not to focus on the negative things in my life.
Not to try and change people, but to love them for them.
I have learned to love myself, even with all the flaws I have.
I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin.
And to not change myself around people.
They will love me for me, and if they don't they are missing out.

There will be no more lies.
Just to keep people around.
There will be no more stories.
Just to have people like me.
I am learning to be brutally honest
Even if it hurts me, or the other person.
Its not worth it.
There will be no more negative thoughts.
Even about people that hurt me or upset me.
I will pray for good things to happen to everyone.

Last night, I saw a different side of my MIL.
She was reading me some of the things she had written after reading her daily devotional from our book.
In one instance, I saw my grandmother.
It was the look on her face
And the things she said
As well as the sound of her voice
That took me back to when my grandmother would sit and talk to me
Provide advice and assistance
With her voice strong
And confident, I found myself tearing up
And being so grateful for these passionate, wonderful women of God that I have in my life.

Going through this journey has opened my eyes to so much.
I really want to open up a recovery center when I finish school.
A recovery center for teens AND thier families.
I believe that if Tom and Victoria were not here to support me,
I would not be so strong in my own recovery.
I believe having support from the families will only allow us to recover better and have a better chance of not going back.
I think that the family needs to understand the addiction and what goes on when one is addicted to a drug.
There are so many things that happen when someone is an addict
So many things that most don't know or understand.
I am blessed that my MIL has chosen to come to family and friends night in my early recovery group.
She is there every night I am there.
She will sit and listen and answer questions.
It is amazing to see how much she truly cares about me and wants me to get better.
I am so blessed to have her on this journey with me
And that she is getting something out of it to.
Who would have thought?

So here I am.
Bare.
Naked (not really).
This is me.
Will you still have me?