Will this ever end?

As I see more friends, family and coworkers get pregnant
I can't help but feel like a piece is missing.
As happy (truly and deeply) as I am for all of them
I'm also green with envy.
My heart aches.
I wonder if my time will ever come?
I can't believe how much this hurts.
I KNOW today would not be a good time to get pregnant.
I KNOW I need to get better in order to have a childZ
Raise a child.
Be a mother.
The kind of mother I want to be.
I don't want to hurt my children because Of my issues.
I want them to have all the things they need.
And some of the things they want.
I just feel like something is missing.
And the hurt only tends to come when I think about having a baby bump.
When I think about how it would feel to see my baby for the first time.
How would I feel when I hear it's heartbeat?
Or when I see my baby for the first time?
I'm so grateful that I have the chance to experience this with all of my friends and family
And I know that God will bless us when we are ready.
It's just hard to be so patient.
To wait.
To not think about how it would be or could be.
To not wish.
To not dream.

In the meantime, I'm trying to fill my plate full.
School in the fall.
A year and a half (spring summer fall) until I have a BA in social work.
Then onto a master's.
Then a PH.D.
Possible with kids?
Yes.
How do I know?
My sister is doing it.
She amazes me.
Her tenacity and strength has always been some of her best qualities.
When she wants something, she works hard to get it.
I'm so thankful she is someone I can look up to.
She also made this beautiful baby.
I hope to see them soon.

I am finally setting goals again.
I'm not stopping until they are reached.
I'm making myself proud of me and what I've accomplished.
And I feel like for the first time in a long time that it is all going to be possible.