Since Tom and I got married (it'll be two years on September 6th), we have been trying to start a family. And so far, it hasn't worked. We've had three miscarriages, 2 chemical pregnancies (where the egg is fertilized but the egg doesn't attach to the uterus and 1 miscarriage in June. I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. It has been the most difficult challenge I have ever had to face in my life.
At this time, Tom and I have decided to quit trying. I have put myself back on birth control for at least 6 months to a year and then we will try again. If we still don't get pregnant within 3-6 months after getting off birth control, we will start infertility treatments. I am so scared to go down that road, as my sister, Molly, had to go down that road and she hasn't said too many great things about it.
I wish there were more people who understood the pain that takes place when they are unable to conceive a child. Hope has becoming my worst enemy, but my only saving grace. I have wanted nothing more in my life than to be a mommy. I see a lot of my friends get pregnant, have children and LOVE it. It is just soooo hard to put a smile on your face and not feeling hurt, anger and jealousy for your friends. And it isn't their fault- you wouldn't want them going through this either. I just wonder when it will be my turn.
I found this on a blog that really touched me. I think it is great advice.
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Tom and I have both discussed adoption, but its too early for that. We have discussed never having children and that is just not an option. We want a family. A small family, but a family. But for now, we will wait. Pray. And give it to God. He is the One that makes the final decision.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
My Conversion Story
Growing up, I spent 3 or 4 summers with my grandparents in Salt Lake. During this time in my life, I was starting to struggle with quite a few aspects of my teenage life and my Nina made it clear that while I was staying there I had to go to church. Now it didn't matter which church I went to, she would go with me, but I had to go. She knew I needed God in my life. So I went to her church with grandpa. They are Latter Day Saints (aka Mormons). I investigated the church until I was about 15 and then left for selfish reasons and started to really head down the wrong path in my life.
My teenage years were full of anguish for me. Turmoil. Sadness. And just trying to belong. How much different my life would have been had I continued to investigate the church and make the right decisions in my life? My mom would not let me get baptized until I was 18 and by that time, I was so far away from God- I didn't even know where to look.
After a very unhealthy relationship, and broken relationships with my grandparents, and my self image being torn down to the very last shred, I was at rock bottom. I was drinking often, smoking pot and just trying to forget my past and the pain I was feeling. The pain stemmed from long ago and just grew to be anger- against myself and against those who I thought should have been there, but weren't. I pitted family members against themselves and hurt those I loved the most by my actions. At one point, my grandfather told me that I had no integrity.
Then I met my husband. And his family. Each of them carrying a light that was so bright- and I wanted it. As Tom and I got more serious (3 weeks into our relationship haha) I decided we needed to go to church- any church. I knew I needed God in my life and so I decided to start with the LDS church (Tom was inactive at the time). We found a ward (it wasn't in our area- we just went) and the talk was on happiness and that the only way to get there was to follow the Gospel and to be obedient. The moment sacrament was over, I called the missionaries. They hopped on their bikes and rode directly to my house to give me Book of Mormon and to set up our first missionary discussion. I knew this was the answer to my prayers. On October 31st, I took my first discussion. Soon after, I called my grandparents, who once had been so close to me, and whom I hadn't spoken with in over two years, to forgive me. I told them I was joining the church and that I wanted my grandfather to baptize me. They made the trek out here and on December 11th (the same day my sister was baptized in the church) I became a member. And my heart was full. I felt forgiven for all of my past mistakes and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. And I had the best missionaries ever! The "Bickersons" is what we called them. And I am so glad that one of them was able to be there for our sealing. What a treat for him! I miss them so- but am glad that we are able to keep in touch even with the seas parting us! Thanks Elders for all you did for me. You changed my life. I love you! ALL 4 of you!
For the next year, Tom and I worked hard together to prepare ourselves for being sealed in the Temple. A year after we were married, we were sealed together for time and all eternity and it was the most beautiful experience in my life. Going to the Temple brings such peace and comfort to me. I know that here, God is taking me in His arms and hugging me so tightly. I finally had the light.
But don't get me wrong. It has been a tough road. I still have a tough time with saying no to temptation. I still fumble and fall- but that is what is so great about the Atonement. It allows us to be human and make mistakes. Right now, I am fixing some mistakes I have made. Mistakes that were unbecoming of a church member. And this will be a long road. But a road I am willing to travel with my whole heart, because I know this is where I belong.
Two weeks ago, Tom and I were in SLC, and we were walking on Temple Square. The moment I walked onto the Square, I felt such peace. It was exactly what I needed. God reminded me how much I need Him and He put His arms around me and squeezed. I felt like all my burdens had been lifted off my shoulder. The next few months to a year are going to be full of challenges. Satan is going to try his best to defeat me because he knows my weaknesses. Thankfully I have the most amazing husband in the world, two amazing grandparents that guide me and a wonderful family that will help me get back on the right track and stay there.
Last night, as I was driving to my in-laws for dinner- I decided to listen to one of the conference talks. And it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Man, I love how God speaks to us. It can be so subtle or it can be a loud scream in our ear. This was a loud whisper into my ear:
“Repent . . . That I May Heal You”
Elder Neil L. Andersen
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
My brothers and sisters, it has been six months since my call to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. To now serve with men who have long been my examples and teachers remains a very humbling experience. I deeply appreciate your prayers and sustaining vote. For me, this has been a time of fervent prayer, of earnestly seeking the acceptance of the Lord. I have felt His love in sacred and unforgettable ways. I testify that He lives and that this is His holy work.
We love President Thomas S. Monson, the Lord’s prophet. I will forever remember his kindness as he extended my call last April. At the conclusion of our interview, he opened his arms to embrace me. President Monson is a tall man. As he wrapped his long arms around me and pulled me close, I felt like a little boy being held in the protective arms of a loving father.
In the months since that experience, I have thought of the Lord’s invitation to come unto Him and to spiritually be wrapped in His arms. He said, “Behold, [my arms] of mercy [are] extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.”1
The scriptures speak of His arms being open,2 extended,3 stretched out,4 and encircling.5 They are described as mighty6 and holy,7 arms of mercy,8 arms of safety,9 arms of love,10 “lengthened out all the day long.”11
We have each felt to some extent these spiritual arms around us. We have felt His forgiveness, His love and comfort. The Lord has said, “I am he [who] comforteth you.”12
The Lord’s desire that we come unto Him and be wrapped in His arms is often an invitation to repent. “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you.”13
When we sin, we turn away from God. When we repent, we turn back toward God.
The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God.14 It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel.
Among the tens of thousands listening to this conference, there are many degrees of personal worthiness and righteousness. Yet repentance is a blessing to all of us. We each need to feel the Savior’s arms of mercy through the forgiveness of our sins.
Years ago, I was asked to meet with a man who, long before our visit, had had a period of riotous living. As a result of his bad choices, he lost his membership in the Church. He had long since returned to the Church and was faithfully keeping the commandments, but his previous actions haunted him. Meeting with him, I felt his shame and his deep remorse at having set his covenants aside. Following our interview, I placed my hands upon his head to give him a priesthood blessing. Before speaking a word, I felt an overpowering sense of the Savior’s love and forgiveness for him. Following the blessing, we embraced and the man wept openly.
I am amazed at the Savior’s encircling arms of mercy and love for the repentant, no matter how selfish the forsaken sin. I testify that the Savior is able and eager to forgive our sins. Except for the sins of those few who choose perdition after having known a fulness, there is no sin that cannot be forgiven.15 What a marvelous privilege for each of us to turn away from our sins and to come unto Christ. Divine forgiveness is one of the sweetest fruits of the gospel, removing guilt and pain from our hearts and replacing them with joy and peace of conscience. Jesus declares, “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”16
Some listening today may need “a mighty change [of] heart”17 to confront serious sins. The help of a priesthood leader might be necessary. For most, repenting is quiet and quite private, daily seeking the Lord’s help to make needed changes.
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.”18 Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God.
How do we decide where our repentance should be focused? When a loved one or friend suggests things we need to change, the natural man in us sometimes pops up his head and responds, “Oh, you think I should change? Well, let me tell you about some of your problems.” A better approach is to humbly petition the Lord: “Father, what wouldst Thou have me do?” The answers come. We feel the changes we need to make. The Lord tells us in our mind and in our heart.19
We then are allowed to choose: will we repent, or will we pull the shades down over our open window into heaven?
Alma warned, “Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point.”20 When we “pull the shades down,” we stop believing that spiritual voice inviting us to change. We pray but we listen less. Our prayers lack that faith that leads to repentance.21
At this very moment, someone is saying, “Brother Andersen, you don’t understand. You can’t feel what I have felt. It is too difficult to change.”
You are correct; I don’t fully understand. But there is One who does. He knows. He has felt your pain. He has declared, “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.”22 The Savior is there, reaching out to each of us, bidding us: “Come unto me.”23 We can repent. We can!
Realizing where we need to change, we sorrow for the sadness we have caused. This leads to sincere and heartfelt confession to the Lord and, when needed, to others.24 When possible, we restore what we have wrongly harmed or taken.
Repentance becomes part of our daily lives. Our weekly taking of the sacrament is so important—to come meekly, humbly before the Lord, acknowledging our dependence upon Him, asking Him to forgive and to renew us, and promising to always remember Him.
Sometimes in our repentance, in our daily efforts to become more Christlike, we find ourselves repeatedly struggling with the same difficulties. As if we were climbing a tree-covered mountain, at times we don’t see our progress until we get closer to the top and look back from the high ridges. Don’t be discouraged. If you are striving and working to repent, you are in the process of repenting.
As we improve, we see life more clearly and feel the Holy Ghost working more strongly within us.
Sometimes we wonder why we remember our sins long after we have forsaken them. Why does the sadness for our mistakes at times continue following our repentance?
You will remember a tender story told by President James E. Faust. “As a small boy on the farm . . . , I remember my grandmother . . . cooking our delicious meals on a hot woodstove. When the wood box next to the stove became empty, Grandmother would silently pick up the box, go out to refill it from the pile of cedar wood outside, and bring the heavily laden box back into the house.”
President Faust’s voice then filled with emotion as he continued: “I was so insensitive . . . I sat there and let my beloved grandmother refill the kitchen wood box. I feel ashamed of myself and have regretted my [sin of] omission for all of my life. I hope someday to ask for her forgiveness.”25
More than 65 years had passed. If President Faust still remembered and regretted not helping his grandmother after all those years, should we be surprised with some of the things we still remember and regret?
The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget.26
The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the Lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory.27 It is a vital part of our mortal learning.
As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. With time, we will feel the anguish of our sorrow subside, taking “away the guilt from our hearts”28 and bringing “peace of conscience.”29
For those who are truly repentant but seem unable to feel relief: continue keeping the commandments. I promise you, relief will come in the timetable of the Lord. Healing also requires time.
If you are concerned, counsel with your bishop. A bishop has the power of discernment.30 He will help you.
The scriptures warn us, “Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance.”31 But, in this life, it is never too late to repent.
Once I was asked to meet an older couple returning to the Church. They had been taught the gospel by their parents. After their marriage, they left the Church. Now, 50 years later, they were returning. I remember the husband coming into the office pulling an oxygen tank. They expressed regret at not having remained faithful. I told them of our happiness because of their return, assuring them of the Lord’s welcoming arms to those who repent. The elderly man responded, “We know this, Brother Andersen. But our sadness is that our children and grandchildren do not have the blessings of the gospel. We are back, but we are back alone.”
They were not back alone. Repentance not only changes us, but it also blesses our families and those we love. With our righteous repentance, in the timetable of the Lord, the lengthened-out arms of the Savior will not only encircle us but will also extend into the lives of our children and posterity. Repentance always means that there is greater happiness ahead.
I bear witness that our Savior can deliver us from our sins. I have personally felt His redeeming power. I have unmistakably seen His healing hand upon thousands in nations throughout the world. I testify that His divine gift removes guilt from our heart and brings peace to our conscience.
He loves us. We are members of His Church. He invites each of us to repent, turn away from our sins, and come unto Him. I witness that He is there in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
This talk was amazing. It brought tears to my eyes quite often throughout the talk. We are so blessed to have these men leading our Church, being the mouth of God. It truly is such a blessing.
If there is one word of advice I can give to BIC members, it is to really try and befriend those who are converts. It is really important for them to have the fellowship and to be around those who have good morals and values. I know that this is one of the reason I have been frustrated with the Church in the past. Tom and I are the youngest couple in our ward and we haven't started a family yet (and not for the lack of trying either) and I feel like we just don't belong sometimes. I was really sick for about a month and wasn't able to attend Church or teach my Sunbeams and no one called me to check in on me. And the next time I met with the Bishop, he told me he had been asked to release me from my calling. This broke my heart for two reasons. I love those kids. Sooooo much. They were the highlight of my week- especially when I was having really tough weeks. And the second part was that no one called to check in on me- they didn't facebook me to ask if I was ok. And that really hurt. I thought of these people as my family. And now my heart is just hurt. Part of my repentance process is to let go of all of that hurt. It isn't about the people- that's not why I go. I go for my salvation. To praise and honor my Heavenly Father. And I need to keep that in perspective.
So that is my conversion story. Kind of long, I know, but it is my story and I am proud of it.
XOXO
My teenage years were full of anguish for me. Turmoil. Sadness. And just trying to belong. How much different my life would have been had I continued to investigate the church and make the right decisions in my life? My mom would not let me get baptized until I was 18 and by that time, I was so far away from God- I didn't even know where to look.
After a very unhealthy relationship, and broken relationships with my grandparents, and my self image being torn down to the very last shred, I was at rock bottom. I was drinking often, smoking pot and just trying to forget my past and the pain I was feeling. The pain stemmed from long ago and just grew to be anger- against myself and against those who I thought should have been there, but weren't. I pitted family members against themselves and hurt those I loved the most by my actions. At one point, my grandfather told me that I had no integrity.
Then I met my husband. And his family. Each of them carrying a light that was so bright- and I wanted it. As Tom and I got more serious (3 weeks into our relationship haha) I decided we needed to go to church- any church. I knew I needed God in my life and so I decided to start with the LDS church (Tom was inactive at the time). We found a ward (it wasn't in our area- we just went) and the talk was on happiness and that the only way to get there was to follow the Gospel and to be obedient. The moment sacrament was over, I called the missionaries. They hopped on their bikes and rode directly to my house to give me Book of Mormon and to set up our first missionary discussion. I knew this was the answer to my prayers. On October 31st, I took my first discussion. Soon after, I called my grandparents, who once had been so close to me, and whom I hadn't spoken with in over two years, to forgive me. I told them I was joining the church and that I wanted my grandfather to baptize me. They made the trek out here and on December 11th (the same day my sister was baptized in the church) I became a member. And my heart was full. I felt forgiven for all of my past mistakes and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. And I had the best missionaries ever! The "Bickersons" is what we called them. And I am so glad that one of them was able to be there for our sealing. What a treat for him! I miss them so- but am glad that we are able to keep in touch even with the seas parting us! Thanks Elders for all you did for me. You changed my life. I love you! ALL 4 of you!
For the next year, Tom and I worked hard together to prepare ourselves for being sealed in the Temple. A year after we were married, we were sealed together for time and all eternity and it was the most beautiful experience in my life. Going to the Temple brings such peace and comfort to me. I know that here, God is taking me in His arms and hugging me so tightly. I finally had the light.
But don't get me wrong. It has been a tough road. I still have a tough time with saying no to temptation. I still fumble and fall- but that is what is so great about the Atonement. It allows us to be human and make mistakes. Right now, I am fixing some mistakes I have made. Mistakes that were unbecoming of a church member. And this will be a long road. But a road I am willing to travel with my whole heart, because I know this is where I belong.
Two weeks ago, Tom and I were in SLC, and we were walking on Temple Square. The moment I walked onto the Square, I felt such peace. It was exactly what I needed. God reminded me how much I need Him and He put His arms around me and squeezed. I felt like all my burdens had been lifted off my shoulder. The next few months to a year are going to be full of challenges. Satan is going to try his best to defeat me because he knows my weaknesses. Thankfully I have the most amazing husband in the world, two amazing grandparents that guide me and a wonderful family that will help me get back on the right track and stay there.
Last night, as I was driving to my in-laws for dinner- I decided to listen to one of the conference talks. And it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Man, I love how God speaks to us. It can be so subtle or it can be a loud scream in our ear. This was a loud whisper into my ear:
“Repent . . . That I May Heal You”
Elder Neil L. Andersen
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
My brothers and sisters, it has been six months since my call to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. To now serve with men who have long been my examples and teachers remains a very humbling experience. I deeply appreciate your prayers and sustaining vote. For me, this has been a time of fervent prayer, of earnestly seeking the acceptance of the Lord. I have felt His love in sacred and unforgettable ways. I testify that He lives and that this is His holy work.
We love President Thomas S. Monson, the Lord’s prophet. I will forever remember his kindness as he extended my call last April. At the conclusion of our interview, he opened his arms to embrace me. President Monson is a tall man. As he wrapped his long arms around me and pulled me close, I felt like a little boy being held in the protective arms of a loving father.
In the months since that experience, I have thought of the Lord’s invitation to come unto Him and to spiritually be wrapped in His arms. He said, “Behold, [my arms] of mercy [are] extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.”1
The scriptures speak of His arms being open,2 extended,3 stretched out,4 and encircling.5 They are described as mighty6 and holy,7 arms of mercy,8 arms of safety,9 arms of love,10 “lengthened out all the day long.”11
We have each felt to some extent these spiritual arms around us. We have felt His forgiveness, His love and comfort. The Lord has said, “I am he [who] comforteth you.”12
The Lord’s desire that we come unto Him and be wrapped in His arms is often an invitation to repent. “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you.”13
When we sin, we turn away from God. When we repent, we turn back toward God.
The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God.14 It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel.
Among the tens of thousands listening to this conference, there are many degrees of personal worthiness and righteousness. Yet repentance is a blessing to all of us. We each need to feel the Savior’s arms of mercy through the forgiveness of our sins.
Years ago, I was asked to meet with a man who, long before our visit, had had a period of riotous living. As a result of his bad choices, he lost his membership in the Church. He had long since returned to the Church and was faithfully keeping the commandments, but his previous actions haunted him. Meeting with him, I felt his shame and his deep remorse at having set his covenants aside. Following our interview, I placed my hands upon his head to give him a priesthood blessing. Before speaking a word, I felt an overpowering sense of the Savior’s love and forgiveness for him. Following the blessing, we embraced and the man wept openly.
I am amazed at the Savior’s encircling arms of mercy and love for the repentant, no matter how selfish the forsaken sin. I testify that the Savior is able and eager to forgive our sins. Except for the sins of those few who choose perdition after having known a fulness, there is no sin that cannot be forgiven.15 What a marvelous privilege for each of us to turn away from our sins and to come unto Christ. Divine forgiveness is one of the sweetest fruits of the gospel, removing guilt and pain from our hearts and replacing them with joy and peace of conscience. Jesus declares, “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”16
Some listening today may need “a mighty change [of] heart”17 to confront serious sins. The help of a priesthood leader might be necessary. For most, repenting is quiet and quite private, daily seeking the Lord’s help to make needed changes.
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.”18 Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God.
How do we decide where our repentance should be focused? When a loved one or friend suggests things we need to change, the natural man in us sometimes pops up his head and responds, “Oh, you think I should change? Well, let me tell you about some of your problems.” A better approach is to humbly petition the Lord: “Father, what wouldst Thou have me do?” The answers come. We feel the changes we need to make. The Lord tells us in our mind and in our heart.19
We then are allowed to choose: will we repent, or will we pull the shades down over our open window into heaven?
Alma warned, “Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point.”20 When we “pull the shades down,” we stop believing that spiritual voice inviting us to change. We pray but we listen less. Our prayers lack that faith that leads to repentance.21
At this very moment, someone is saying, “Brother Andersen, you don’t understand. You can’t feel what I have felt. It is too difficult to change.”
You are correct; I don’t fully understand. But there is One who does. He knows. He has felt your pain. He has declared, “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.”22 The Savior is there, reaching out to each of us, bidding us: “Come unto me.”23 We can repent. We can!
Realizing where we need to change, we sorrow for the sadness we have caused. This leads to sincere and heartfelt confession to the Lord and, when needed, to others.24 When possible, we restore what we have wrongly harmed or taken.
Repentance becomes part of our daily lives. Our weekly taking of the sacrament is so important—to come meekly, humbly before the Lord, acknowledging our dependence upon Him, asking Him to forgive and to renew us, and promising to always remember Him.
Sometimes in our repentance, in our daily efforts to become more Christlike, we find ourselves repeatedly struggling with the same difficulties. As if we were climbing a tree-covered mountain, at times we don’t see our progress until we get closer to the top and look back from the high ridges. Don’t be discouraged. If you are striving and working to repent, you are in the process of repenting.
As we improve, we see life more clearly and feel the Holy Ghost working more strongly within us.
Sometimes we wonder why we remember our sins long after we have forsaken them. Why does the sadness for our mistakes at times continue following our repentance?
You will remember a tender story told by President James E. Faust. “As a small boy on the farm . . . , I remember my grandmother . . . cooking our delicious meals on a hot woodstove. When the wood box next to the stove became empty, Grandmother would silently pick up the box, go out to refill it from the pile of cedar wood outside, and bring the heavily laden box back into the house.”
President Faust’s voice then filled with emotion as he continued: “I was so insensitive . . . I sat there and let my beloved grandmother refill the kitchen wood box. I feel ashamed of myself and have regretted my [sin of] omission for all of my life. I hope someday to ask for her forgiveness.”25
More than 65 years had passed. If President Faust still remembered and regretted not helping his grandmother after all those years, should we be surprised with some of the things we still remember and regret?
The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget.26
The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the Lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory.27 It is a vital part of our mortal learning.
As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. With time, we will feel the anguish of our sorrow subside, taking “away the guilt from our hearts”28 and bringing “peace of conscience.”29
For those who are truly repentant but seem unable to feel relief: continue keeping the commandments. I promise you, relief will come in the timetable of the Lord. Healing also requires time.
If you are concerned, counsel with your bishop. A bishop has the power of discernment.30 He will help you.
The scriptures warn us, “Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance.”31 But, in this life, it is never too late to repent.
Once I was asked to meet an older couple returning to the Church. They had been taught the gospel by their parents. After their marriage, they left the Church. Now, 50 years later, they were returning. I remember the husband coming into the office pulling an oxygen tank. They expressed regret at not having remained faithful. I told them of our happiness because of their return, assuring them of the Lord’s welcoming arms to those who repent. The elderly man responded, “We know this, Brother Andersen. But our sadness is that our children and grandchildren do not have the blessings of the gospel. We are back, but we are back alone.”
They were not back alone. Repentance not only changes us, but it also blesses our families and those we love. With our righteous repentance, in the timetable of the Lord, the lengthened-out arms of the Savior will not only encircle us but will also extend into the lives of our children and posterity. Repentance always means that there is greater happiness ahead.
I bear witness that our Savior can deliver us from our sins. I have personally felt His redeeming power. I have unmistakably seen His healing hand upon thousands in nations throughout the world. I testify that His divine gift removes guilt from our heart and brings peace to our conscience.
He loves us. We are members of His Church. He invites each of us to repent, turn away from our sins, and come unto Him. I witness that He is there in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
This talk was amazing. It brought tears to my eyes quite often throughout the talk. We are so blessed to have these men leading our Church, being the mouth of God. It truly is such a blessing.
If there is one word of advice I can give to BIC members, it is to really try and befriend those who are converts. It is really important for them to have the fellowship and to be around those who have good morals and values. I know that this is one of the reason I have been frustrated with the Church in the past. Tom and I are the youngest couple in our ward and we haven't started a family yet (and not for the lack of trying either) and I feel like we just don't belong sometimes. I was really sick for about a month and wasn't able to attend Church or teach my Sunbeams and no one called me to check in on me. And the next time I met with the Bishop, he told me he had been asked to release me from my calling. This broke my heart for two reasons. I love those kids. Sooooo much. They were the highlight of my week- especially when I was having really tough weeks. And the second part was that no one called to check in on me- they didn't facebook me to ask if I was ok. And that really hurt. I thought of these people as my family. And now my heart is just hurt. Part of my repentance process is to let go of all of that hurt. It isn't about the people- that's not why I go. I go for my salvation. To praise and honor my Heavenly Father. And I need to keep that in perspective.
So that is my conversion story. Kind of long, I know, but it is my story and I am proud of it.
XOXO
Friday, August 27, 2010
Mental disorders
In April, I was diagnoised with bipolar 2 and boaderline personality disorder. I think the toughest thing about being diagnoised with this was the misconception of the two mental disorders. Wedmd.com defines bipolar 2 as: "Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time. However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania. A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives."
And boaderline personality disorder is defined as: "Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including suicidality and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self. Thus, BPD is characterized by pervasive instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and actions, often negatively affecting loved ones, family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity."
I feel so misunderstood sometimes. I feel unable to control my emotions at times. I really try and not let these hinder me and am on medication to help balance my moods, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't use it as a crutch, but some people just need to understand what I am dealing with. I am not making excuses for any of my actions, but maybe people knowing this will help them understand where I am in my life.
I get depressed. And often. I try and look at the postive side of life, but sometimes that is just not possible. I am currently seeing someone who is giving me a lot of perspective on my life and how it needs to be shaped. It has taken me this long to figure out that I needed to see someone. I knew I had clinical depression, but I wasn't aware it was this bad.
I have been told all my life that my emotions are the worst part of me. And maybe that is true. But I have seen the side of not having emotions and it is horrible. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped taking medication in the past. I hate not being able to feel happiness or sadness. These types of medications put you right smack dab in the middle of nothing. You don't feel anything, you are just stagnic. And I hate that. I love my emotions, most of the time. They make me who I am.
I know that most people don't take this seriously and just see me as being emotional or that I over-react to situations. But maybe if people knew about the disorder and how it really truly affects people then there would be more of an understanding and less of a negative conotation to these types of disorders.
I have to thank my husband for being so supportive of me while I learn how to manage this. It has been quite a rollarcoaster. Up and down quite often and moments where I just want to lay in bed and sleep. He understands and doesn't question it and his frustrations are valid. I am trying to get better, but this will be with me for the rest of my life.
I have to rely on my meds and on God to get me through this and sometimes it just isn't enough. Something will trigger my depression and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I find myself just being wrapped up my emotions, unable to get out of it.
Thank you to the rest of you who have been able to deal with me and who don't think negatively of my disorder. I hope this helps inform you on what has been going on in my life for the last few months. I will continue to update you.
Hope all is well with you-
Cass
And boaderline personality disorder is defined as: "Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including suicidality and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self. Thus, BPD is characterized by pervasive instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and actions, often negatively affecting loved ones, family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity."
I feel so misunderstood sometimes. I feel unable to control my emotions at times. I really try and not let these hinder me and am on medication to help balance my moods, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't use it as a crutch, but some people just need to understand what I am dealing with. I am not making excuses for any of my actions, but maybe people knowing this will help them understand where I am in my life.
I get depressed. And often. I try and look at the postive side of life, but sometimes that is just not possible. I am currently seeing someone who is giving me a lot of perspective on my life and how it needs to be shaped. It has taken me this long to figure out that I needed to see someone. I knew I had clinical depression, but I wasn't aware it was this bad.
I have been told all my life that my emotions are the worst part of me. And maybe that is true. But I have seen the side of not having emotions and it is horrible. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped taking medication in the past. I hate not being able to feel happiness or sadness. These types of medications put you right smack dab in the middle of nothing. You don't feel anything, you are just stagnic. And I hate that. I love my emotions, most of the time. They make me who I am.
I know that most people don't take this seriously and just see me as being emotional or that I over-react to situations. But maybe if people knew about the disorder and how it really truly affects people then there would be more of an understanding and less of a negative conotation to these types of disorders.
I have to thank my husband for being so supportive of me while I learn how to manage this. It has been quite a rollarcoaster. Up and down quite often and moments where I just want to lay in bed and sleep. He understands and doesn't question it and his frustrations are valid. I am trying to get better, but this will be with me for the rest of my life.
I have to rely on my meds and on God to get me through this and sometimes it just isn't enough. Something will trigger my depression and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I find myself just being wrapped up my emotions, unable to get out of it.
Thank you to the rest of you who have been able to deal with me and who don't think negatively of my disorder. I hope this helps inform you on what has been going on in my life for the last few months. I will continue to update you.
Hope all is well with you-
Cass
Monday, August 23, 2010
Private
We are going private in t minus 48 hours... Email me your addresses if you'd like to continue reading about our crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautful life. Or you can just comment on here :)
The blog will be changing. It will still update you on our lives, but I am going to also start writing about how my life has changed with being diagnosed with a mental disorder, my current process of repentance and our struggle of not being able to concieve. I'd also like to start reflecting on my journey as a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a journey it has been!
The blog will get deep. I'm not going to sugar coat things for fear of upsetting people, hopefully they will read it with an open mind and know that this is just how I feel- it will not be fact- it will just be me and my thoughts and maybe Tom's if he ever wants to.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Xoxo
Cass
The blog will be changing. It will still update you on our lives, but I am going to also start writing about how my life has changed with being diagnosed with a mental disorder, my current process of repentance and our struggle of not being able to concieve. I'd also like to start reflecting on my journey as a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a journey it has been!
The blog will get deep. I'm not going to sugar coat things for fear of upsetting people, hopefully they will read it with an open mind and know that this is just how I feel- it will not be fact- it will just be me and my thoughts and maybe Tom's if he ever wants to.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Xoxo
Cass
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