Eternity... here we come!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!  SEPTEMBER 5, 2009.  THOMAS AND CASSANDRA TAYLOR FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY!!!!!

I wonder if it really gets better than this.  Life is AMAZING!  The last few weeks have been amazing!  It has had it's fair share of trial and tribulations but God has so blessed us.  Today, Thomas gave me a blessing... his very first to me.  As we left his parent's house, I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  Something I thought we were so far from two years ago is almost here.  I am sure things are bound to get tougher the closer we get.  But I have found my happiness in Christ, in the Church and in the heavenly relationship I have with the most amazing man in the world.  I am forever grateful for the Gospel.  For what is has done for my life and for my relationship with my husband and my family.  Now if only this ear infection would just magically disappear! :)  

Familes Are Forever

Today has been a surreal day.  As we drove home from my mom's this evening, the car was filled with a silence I had never heard before.  Few words could be said to help soothe the sadness, the grief and the pain that filled the car and the people who sat in it.  

Today started with a drive up north to visit Tom's aunt Shelley who is on life support.  As of yesterday, they were giving her a few days to improve and then they were going to take her off life support.  Today was better than yesterday, but wasn't great.  She can't move, she is frail.  And all Thomas could do was stroke her arm and tell her that he loved her.  We talked with his cousin Kim for a while, and tried to just smile and laugh, but there was something in the room no one wanted to talk about.  Death.  I think this is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, to let go of people you love, you care about, who had been a part of your life, no matter how big or how small.  It is never easy.  
On the way up to Roseville, my sister called to inform me that my mom's next door neighbor and long time friend, had lost her daughter that morning.  Her daughter's husband had strangled her with their two kids in the house.  I felt sick immediately.  I hadn't met Mia but twice, but I know Kelly (the neighbor and mom) quite well.  Mia was her only daughter.  I still felt great sorrow come over me.  I waited to call my mom for about an hour.  I wasn't sure if I couldn't stop the tears from over flowing down my face.  I wasn't sure what to think at that point.  I just needed to focus on my husband and how he was handling things and then I would move on to my mom.  After about an hour, I called my mom, and she just broke down.   She couldn't imagine losing her only daughter.  She couldn't imagine what would happen to the two children who are only 8 and 5.  She could hardly contain herself.  Thomas and I drove to my mom's and I started to ask questions.  Has there been a history of abuse?  Yes.  Restraining orders had been taken out.  One only 2 weeks ago.  There were so many "I'm sorrys" and "I won't do it again."  Were the kids in the house?  Yes.  What will happen to the children?  Hopefully Kelly will get them, they are the reason for her to live now.  How could this have happened?  I don't know.  Social Services allowed the two children, who I am sure are not clear what is going on, to come and stay with their grandmother.  

I just, I can't believe this.  I don't know how someone can take away someone else's life.  Tom told me a few weeks ago when my grandfather was in the hospital, that death is inevitable.  And yes, it is.  It is a part of life.  We are born, we live, we die.  But, no one but God should decide when we die.  How can someone take two beautiful children's mom away from them?  As I sat in the hospital, I look at Kim and thought, "I am so lucky my mom was there to help me plan for my wedding and to get my ready."  I took that for granted.  Today, I saw two daughters who will never get their mom to help them at their own wedding.  It breaks my heart.  Not only that, but today two kids lost both parents.  

I've never been affected by something like this.  I am not sure how to feel.  I am not sure what to feel.  All I know it tears are flooding my eyes for the hundredth time tonight.  
I pray for my family.  For Tom's family.  I pray for the Hunt family.  I am so thankful that our faith has taught us that Families Are Forever.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.  My only solace tonight is knowing that they can be together again.  That this life is only but a few blinks in regard for the eternity we get to spend with our Heavenly Father.  For that I am so thankful.

Rest in Peace Mia.  

Trying

For those of you who didn't know (and that's the majority of you), the last 8 months, Thomas and I have been trying to conceive.  Unfortunately, we have been unsuccessful.  We've had mixed reviews from people in our lives.  We have had people that are so supportive and excited for this new chapter in our lives.  We've had people tell us that we could do it, and that they would help us with the process.  We've had those tell us to wait, to live our lives, and then have children.  And then we've had those who have straight up told us they want nothing to do with us if we get pregnant.  

Now, I get the first two.  If God's will was for us to have a baby today, no amount of birth control would prevent Him from giving us a child- and I am sure we would do just fine.  And for whatever reason, God's plan has decided we need to wait and we will wait and continue to try.  And pray, that when it is God's time, that He will give us such a blessing.  

I get that we have the rest of our lives, and that babies are expensive and that we need to live our lives.  We understand ALL of that!  But our whole purpose on this earth is to bear His children, and we want that more than anything right now!  Don't think for one second that we haven't thought about what it would take.  We have!  We also know, that once we find our we are pregnant, we have 9 months to plan and prepare for our child.  

For those of you who do not or will not support this decision, that is up to you.  We will not pack our bags and move.  We will do with what we have and cut back on things if that's what it takes, but just like our parents and their parents, we will make it.  Your love and support would be appreciated but no amount of threats or disapproval will change how we feel- we want a family.

I think the worst part for me is that, the people I wish were here to console us as we struggle with conceiving are no where to be found.  Each month, it has been a stab in the heart when we find out that once again, we are not having a baby to call ours.  I have never been more disappointed or heartbroken.  I feel let down.  

BUT!!!  I know that God has continued to bless us.  I know that when He is ready He will bless us with one of His own.  We continue to rely on Him to get us through this.  And as we all know, it is done in His time... not our own.

In the meantime, Thomas and I are doing wonderful!  We are looking forward to our trip to Salt Lake and then to Wyoming in June.  I am so very excited!  Work is keeping both of us busy!  It is truly a blessing.  We are still preparing for the Temple in September.  My diet coke intake in minimal :) and things just continue to get better. We have Temple Prep every Sunday and I have met some fantastic people.  I am so very thankful to have people in our Ward we can become friends with.  It makes things so much easier.  We are still looking for a house.  With Lee starting school, we weren't sure if it was going to happen, but I just found out we may be able to use our tax credit as a down payment.  *crosses fingers*

That is all for now.  Hope all is well with you!

My Muse

Last night, as I waited for Thomas to get off work, I decided to start sorting my iTunes.  As of right now, I have 1661 songs on there- which doesn't even touch 1/3 of my music library.  I honestly think if I put all my music on the computer- our computer would crash.  Tom insists that I clean out my library of music I don't listen to, but that is so hard for me to even fathom.  I love music too much and even if I don't listen to it now- one day I will want to.  Music for me is most woman's clothing or shoes. 

Anyhow, last night, I managed to narrow down my 1661 songs to 230 of my favorite ones of all time- or just right now.  It was a tough decision... and now I've decided to narrow down my top 10 songs that remind me of Thomas... for today.    

So- today- I am madly in love, relax, anxious and happy.  Let's see what this list becomes and why....

In no particular order:

1)Love You 'Till The End- The Progues- not only was this the first chick flick Tom watched with me but it also describes to a tee how I feel about my husband.  *goosebumps*

2)Holdin' On- Citizen's Cope- Great song to listen to while the rain is falling and I think it is terribly romantic. *sigh*

3)Sparks- Coldplay- Another rainy day song... but love the lyrics and how it makes me feel... so happy :)

4)Don't Wait- Dashboard Confessionals- This will always be one of my favorite songs.  It started with me in Denver- with B (one of the guys I worked with) wrote the lyrics on a napkin for me- and took me all the way here... Don't wait...

5)My Heart is Yours- Dave Matthews- The soft melody almost brings tears to my eyes- the lyrics do.  A perfect example of my love for Thomas.  

"When you hold my hand time stands still When the hurt and the pain fills my heart It's your love that heals When I'm feeling this feeling inside I know that it's true That every single beat of my heart Is beating for you."

6)I Miss You- Incubus- Great for driving in the rain... Love love love this song

7)Better Together- Jack Johnson- It is the theme song to our love :)

8)Annie's Song- John Denver- This was played at our wedding... the best day of my life thus far... I am so in love with Tom

9)Making Memories of Us- Keith Urban- I love making memories with Tom... I can hardly wait to see where we end up... I am so excited to see us 50 years from now.

10)I Melt- Rascal Flatts- So many memories behind this song.  Sets the perfect romantic mood for a rainy day.  

Now I could go... I could put our song "Everything" by Micheal Buble.  I could put his ringtone which is Wrapped Up in You by Garth Brooks and a hundred other songs... lol... but I will stop here.  

He is my muse.  

I am so very lucky to be his wife.  

I can't wait until we are sealed!!!!