Where to begin?
I was diagnosed with bipolar ii over a year ago, by a doctor that I had a lot of respect for. He has since gone on a medical leave, leaving me to be swallowed whole by the bureaucracy of the medical system.
I've never had a hypomania or mania episode until recently. I'm not even positive that this is that. I can only go off the research I can find online or at the local bookstore. My thoughts are racing. Too many at once. They are just firing out of control and this makes me feel sick. I remember having these as a kid. Racing, rapid, firing thoughts about everything. Everything would slow down as my brain would try and grasp what it was I was trying to figure out. It is happening now. Going on 3 weeks today. Sleep seems to elude me. I crave it. I miss it. I miss my dreams. And I feel like I'm about to lose control. Any moment now it'll happen. If T sniffles one more time. If the cat jumps across me again.... Working is not an option. I can barely keep myself together. My husband is my reason. I've tried to reach out. Called the mental health department for 2 weeks before getting a call back. Once I did, it was an on-call doctor who gave me seroquel and told me to call back after the weekend. Did that and I got an appointment with my psychiatrist who spent less than 10 minutes with me, upped my dosage of seroquel and told me to meet with a therapist. The following day, I met with a therapist and within 10 minutes was telling me I wasn't bipolar and I just had mommy issues. I left feeling so confused and still unsure of what to do. So I called the advice line and was told to see my primary care physician, who told me today that she couldn't help me. Mental health won't excuse me from work and now I am going to lose my job. Awesome. More stress. Do I need to lose it to get help? Do I need to start cutting again? Can't a girl get some help? I am trying to reach out before it gets to be too much. I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I've taken 400mg of seroquel tonight, with the hopes it calms my brain. Praying it sedates me. I'm not sure if I can be alone with my thoughts one more night. Yet, I don't seem to have a choice. I keep being brought back to this place. Despair. Hopelessness. Grief. And yet, I have all this pent up energy. I feel like I could explode any moment. My thoughts are crazy. Irrational. Horrifying even.
I am stuck.
Someone please deliver me.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Here
One of the blogs I follow had this written in it today. I didn't change anything as what Stefanie had to say was perfect. I needed this. As I struggle lately, to find my balance, to find what is true, I know that Christ is there through it all. You can visit Stefanie's blog here
Thanks lady for allowing me to steal your post! It really hit home. :)
General Conference / April 2011
The Atonement Covers All Pain
Kent F. Richards
Of the Seventy
Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.”
As a surgeon, I found that a significant portion of my professional time was taken up with the subject of pain. Of necessity I surgically inflicted it almost daily—and much of my effort was then spent trying to control and alleviate pain.
I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.
Like you, I have experienced pain myself. Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.
Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”
Similarly, Elder Robert D. Hales has said:
“Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …
“I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”
Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault. Unexpected events, contradicting or disappointing circumstances, interrupting illness, and even death surround us and penetrate our mortal experience. Additionally, we may suffer afflictions because of the actions of others. Lehi noted that Jacob had “suffered … much sorrow, because of the rudeness of [his] brethren.” Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.
The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.
“He suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children.”
“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality.
There is another kind of pain for which we are responsible. Spiritual pain lies deep within our souls and can feel unquenchable, even as being racked with an“inexpressible horror,” as Alma described. It comes from our sinful actions and lack of repentance. For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, “Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?”
Christ Himself taught:
“And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me. … “Therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me.”
Perhaps His most significant work is in the ongoing labor with each of us individually to lift, to bless, to strengthen, to sustain, to guide, and to forgive us.
As Nephi saw in vision, much of Christ’s mortal ministry was devoted to blessing and healing the sick with all kinds of maladies—physical, emotional, and spiritual. “And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases. … And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God.”
Alma also prophesied that “he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and … he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. …
“That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”
Late one night lying in a hospital bed, this time as a patient and not as a physician, I read those verses over and over again. I pondered: “How is it done? For whom? What is required to qualify? Is it like forgiveness of sin? Do we have to earn His love and help?” As I pondered, I came to understand that during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.
President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”
I felt the encircling arms of His love that night. Tears watered my pillow in gratitude. Later, as I was reading in Matthew about Christ’s mortal ministry, I made another discovery: “When the even was come, they brought unto him many … and he … healed all that were sick.” He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away.
As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.
I have noted that children are often more naturally accepting of pain and suffering. They quietly endure with humility and meekness. I have felt a beautiful, sweet spirit surrounding these little ones.
Thirteen-year-old Sherrie underwent a 14-hour operation for a tumor on her spinal cord. As she regained consciousness in the intensive care unit, she said: “Daddy, Aunt Cheryl is here, … and … Grandpa Norman … and Grandma Brown … are here. And Daddy, who is that standing beside you? … He looks like you, only taller. … He says he’s your brother, Jimmy.” Her uncle Jimmy had died at age 13 of cystic fibrosis.
“For nearly an hour, Sherrie … described her visitors, all deceased family members. Exhausted, she then fell asleep.”
Later she told her father, “Daddy, all of the children here in the intensive care unit have angels helping them.”
To all of us the Savior said:
“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
“Fear not, little children, for you are mine. …
“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd.”
Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.” The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”
I bear testimony that He is our Redeemer, our Friend, our Advocate, the Great Physician, the Great Healer. In Him we can find peace and solace in and from our pain and our sins if we will but come unto Him with humble hearts. His “grace is sufficient.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
The story about the girl in the hospital bed give me the chills. I think about how many angels were surrounding me the day I gave birth to Olivia and they were there to comfort me in the extreme pain of placing Olivia for adoption. I know through the pain and the tears that those angels were giving me all of their strength to be able to let Olivia be with her eternal family.
This song means a lot to me, I just wanted to share it.
"Here"
Rascal Flatts
There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Reach
Was you, right here in front of me
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here
Thanks lady for allowing me to steal your post! It really hit home. :)
General Conference / April 2011
The Atonement Covers All Pain
Kent F. Richards
Of the Seventy
Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.”
As a surgeon, I found that a significant portion of my professional time was taken up with the subject of pain. Of necessity I surgically inflicted it almost daily—and much of my effort was then spent trying to control and alleviate pain.
I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.
Like you, I have experienced pain myself. Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.
Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”
Similarly, Elder Robert D. Hales has said:
“Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …
“I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”
Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault. Unexpected events, contradicting or disappointing circumstances, interrupting illness, and even death surround us and penetrate our mortal experience. Additionally, we may suffer afflictions because of the actions of others. Lehi noted that Jacob had “suffered … much sorrow, because of the rudeness of [his] brethren.” Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.
The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.
“He suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children.”
“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality.
There is another kind of pain for which we are responsible. Spiritual pain lies deep within our souls and can feel unquenchable, even as being racked with an“inexpressible horror,” as Alma described. It comes from our sinful actions and lack of repentance. For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, “Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?”
Christ Himself taught:
“And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me. … “Therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me.”
Perhaps His most significant work is in the ongoing labor with each of us individually to lift, to bless, to strengthen, to sustain, to guide, and to forgive us.
As Nephi saw in vision, much of Christ’s mortal ministry was devoted to blessing and healing the sick with all kinds of maladies—physical, emotional, and spiritual. “And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases. … And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God.”
Alma also prophesied that “he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and … he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. …
“That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”
Late one night lying in a hospital bed, this time as a patient and not as a physician, I read those verses over and over again. I pondered: “How is it done? For whom? What is required to qualify? Is it like forgiveness of sin? Do we have to earn His love and help?” As I pondered, I came to understand that during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.
President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”
I felt the encircling arms of His love that night. Tears watered my pillow in gratitude. Later, as I was reading in Matthew about Christ’s mortal ministry, I made another discovery: “When the even was come, they brought unto him many … and he … healed all that were sick.” He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away.
As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.
I have noted that children are often more naturally accepting of pain and suffering. They quietly endure with humility and meekness. I have felt a beautiful, sweet spirit surrounding these little ones.
Thirteen-year-old Sherrie underwent a 14-hour operation for a tumor on her spinal cord. As she regained consciousness in the intensive care unit, she said: “Daddy, Aunt Cheryl is here, … and … Grandpa Norman … and Grandma Brown … are here. And Daddy, who is that standing beside you? … He looks like you, only taller. … He says he’s your brother, Jimmy.” Her uncle Jimmy had died at age 13 of cystic fibrosis.
“For nearly an hour, Sherrie … described her visitors, all deceased family members. Exhausted, she then fell asleep.”
Later she told her father, “Daddy, all of the children here in the intensive care unit have angels helping them.”
To all of us the Savior said:
“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
“Fear not, little children, for you are mine. …
“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd.”
Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.” The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”
I bear testimony that He is our Redeemer, our Friend, our Advocate, the Great Physician, the Great Healer. In Him we can find peace and solace in and from our pain and our sins if we will but come unto Him with humble hearts. His “grace is sufficient.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
The story about the girl in the hospital bed give me the chills. I think about how many angels were surrounding me the day I gave birth to Olivia and they were there to comfort me in the extreme pain of placing Olivia for adoption. I know through the pain and the tears that those angels were giving me all of their strength to be able to let Olivia be with her eternal family.
This song means a lot to me, I just wanted to share it.
"Here"
Rascal Flatts
There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Reach
Was you, right here in front of me
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you
And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
A label
As I am driving home from Southern California, I am puzzled. Most of the weekend, I have thought and been asked a question. A question that I have had to learn the definition of in many forms. Am I an addict?
Narcotics Anonymous says, "Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another- the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.
My trip to Southern California was to help my cousin with her state board test for cosmotology. She needed a model and I needed a break. A girl's weekend. I had a rough week before this trip. I had found out about the passing of my Godfather and family friend. It shook my world. He was 80 years young. I was not prepared to be met with this. I did not think that the last time I saw him this summer would be the last time. I just needed to get away. I had called my mother to speak to her in regards to Jess. I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I felt. My heart hurt. Something feirce. I miss him. And that night was no exception. It only seemed more real as I watched Miley Cyrus in a movie. Yes, I said it. Miley Cyrus. I was overcome with grief and I did the only thing I could think of... I call my mom. She helped me understand that it is loss and she just listened. That was enough. The next day, I called to thank her and I told her that I was going to see my cousin who is also her Goddaughter. She responded, "Are you out of your mind?" Not understanding, I asked. "What are you and her going to do while you are down there?" (Implying that I would use). I assured her I wouldn't. I had a girlfriend going with me. I was prepared. Not that I was expecting to do anything anyways... but as my husband would say, "Always be prepared." There was some more condescending talk, something about how I didn't think I needed treatment. But that got me thinking.... Am I really an addict?
My best friend has said that I am not an addict, but it was more the ability to escape from whatever pain it was that I was feeling. I think I have finally started to get a grip on what it was that was causing me so much pain. Or at least I have scratched the surface. Allow me to enlighten you.
The relationship with my mother has been less than ideal most of my life. I cannot really speak of the first few years as I do not remember much, but from what I have been told, it was never really great. She had already treated me differently. Even my father told me while we were in France together that he was sorry for the way my mom treated me. What I have always felt, seemed to be validated.... if not with those who have told me, but by just that, my own feelings. Never being able to admit it to myself caused quite a bit of angst among myself.... I would go to many lengths to try and get her to love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. I tried the good and the bad. I tried tending to her when she was sick, or when she was heartbroken. I tried being her friend, what I thought was the perfect daughter. I tried out for swimming and dated boys she approved of or didn't approve of to get attention from her. I tried it all. Only to fail time and time again. That defeat ruined me. It hurt me. It felt and still feels like it will never be enough for her. I went to day treatment so that she might see that I really need her. I have needed her. In the end, I learned so much more. I don't need my mother. Of course, I would like her there, but I don't need her. I don't need the pain that comes with our relationship. I have learned that I will be ok without her. If I am not enough for my own mother to want to be around me then I don't need that relationship. I am better than that. And I am finally believing that.
My parent's divorce had a profound affect on me. It hurt. Deeply. And for so long, I didn't talk about it. In fact, I still haven't, really. It started at a young age, with parents trying to make it work for the kids, only to have apartment visits and angry parents while we tried to grow up and be normal. It ended, at least for me, while I was in a foreign country. I came home, after being gone a year, to no home, no family, no bed. My dogs were gone. My family was destroyed and I was just supposed to pretend like it didn't hurt. My mother wasn't there to meet me at the gate when I got home, like she was for my sister. My father was away at work. My brother and my sister had each other. I was alone. In turn, my actions later, would have an effect on not only me, but my grandparents, my family, my relationships with men and with my friends. It still hurts me. I understand that my parents will never be together again. I understand we will never have the family we maybe once could have had. I am happy for each of my parents as each of them have seemed to find their own happiness. But the hurt is still there. The fear of abadonment is still there. The fear of failing is still there. And there is no one to talk to about it. No one to make sense of it. No one to help me make sense of it. And in turn, I am trying to make sense of it by myself. It will be something that I work on for a long time. I am bound and determined to make my marriage work. Yes, there are mistakes I have made, WE have made, but I love my husband. He is my eternal companion. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't know what to do without him.
I made a choice when I was 23. A choice that still haunts me. A choice that if I had to do over, I probably would. This choice doubted a lot of the people who have supported me and thier love for me. This choice has made me cry tears I never knew exsisted. I know that God has a plan. I know I was meant to marry my husband. It wasn't by chance. But had I made a different choice, would we still be together? Would my pain be any different? Would I not think differently? Would the pain I feel inside not be there? It is something I will never be able to get out of my head or my heart. But, I need to learn to forgive myself. I made a choice and I am thankful that my life has turned out the way it has. I am thankful that God has continued to bless me. I am unworthy of His grace, but I know that it is because of His only Begotton that I am here today.
Those are the big ones in my life. I am dealing with them daily and facing them head on rather than hiding behind something... anything. I am bound and determined to make this work. Through therapy and writing and talking with my friends, my husband, my mother in law, my family... I am getting better. This has all been an emotional uphill battle. It has been in the works my whole life. Isn't it about time that I start anew? Fresh? Without labels?
I am not an addict. My life was not destroyed by the one time over consumption of pills. My life has been on the wrong course long before drugs of any sort, alchohol of any kind and bad behavior on my part, ever exsisted. Will I continue to obstain from these things? Absolutely. Why? Because they aren't bettering my life. They are only made it more difficult to manage. I had a problem. I had been taking pain pills for many reasons, mostly the wrong ones, for a long time. But I was not addicted. I have a lot on my plate and come August, even more. I am officially enrolled to go back to school. So while I am not a mommy yet, I am still striving to live my dream as a wife, a teacher, a helper, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter and just someone trying to make it in this world. And I will. I have no doubts.
Narcotics Anonymous says, "Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another- the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.
My trip to Southern California was to help my cousin with her state board test for cosmotology. She needed a model and I needed a break. A girl's weekend. I had a rough week before this trip. I had found out about the passing of my Godfather and family friend. It shook my world. He was 80 years young. I was not prepared to be met with this. I did not think that the last time I saw him this summer would be the last time. I just needed to get away. I had called my mother to speak to her in regards to Jess. I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I felt. My heart hurt. Something feirce. I miss him. And that night was no exception. It only seemed more real as I watched Miley Cyrus in a movie. Yes, I said it. Miley Cyrus. I was overcome with grief and I did the only thing I could think of... I call my mom. She helped me understand that it is loss and she just listened. That was enough. The next day, I called to thank her and I told her that I was going to see my cousin who is also her Goddaughter. She responded, "Are you out of your mind?" Not understanding, I asked. "What are you and her going to do while you are down there?" (Implying that I would use). I assured her I wouldn't. I had a girlfriend going with me. I was prepared. Not that I was expecting to do anything anyways... but as my husband would say, "Always be prepared." There was some more condescending talk, something about how I didn't think I needed treatment. But that got me thinking.... Am I really an addict?
My best friend has said that I am not an addict, but it was more the ability to escape from whatever pain it was that I was feeling. I think I have finally started to get a grip on what it was that was causing me so much pain. Or at least I have scratched the surface. Allow me to enlighten you.
The relationship with my mother has been less than ideal most of my life. I cannot really speak of the first few years as I do not remember much, but from what I have been told, it was never really great. She had already treated me differently. Even my father told me while we were in France together that he was sorry for the way my mom treated me. What I have always felt, seemed to be validated.... if not with those who have told me, but by just that, my own feelings. Never being able to admit it to myself caused quite a bit of angst among myself.... I would go to many lengths to try and get her to love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. I tried the good and the bad. I tried tending to her when she was sick, or when she was heartbroken. I tried being her friend, what I thought was the perfect daughter. I tried out for swimming and dated boys she approved of or didn't approve of to get attention from her. I tried it all. Only to fail time and time again. That defeat ruined me. It hurt me. It felt and still feels like it will never be enough for her. I went to day treatment so that she might see that I really need her. I have needed her. In the end, I learned so much more. I don't need my mother. Of course, I would like her there, but I don't need her. I don't need the pain that comes with our relationship. I have learned that I will be ok without her. If I am not enough for my own mother to want to be around me then I don't need that relationship. I am better than that. And I am finally believing that.
My parent's divorce had a profound affect on me. It hurt. Deeply. And for so long, I didn't talk about it. In fact, I still haven't, really. It started at a young age, with parents trying to make it work for the kids, only to have apartment visits and angry parents while we tried to grow up and be normal. It ended, at least for me, while I was in a foreign country. I came home, after being gone a year, to no home, no family, no bed. My dogs were gone. My family was destroyed and I was just supposed to pretend like it didn't hurt. My mother wasn't there to meet me at the gate when I got home, like she was for my sister. My father was away at work. My brother and my sister had each other. I was alone. In turn, my actions later, would have an effect on not only me, but my grandparents, my family, my relationships with men and with my friends. It still hurts me. I understand that my parents will never be together again. I understand we will never have the family we maybe once could have had. I am happy for each of my parents as each of them have seemed to find their own happiness. But the hurt is still there. The fear of abadonment is still there. The fear of failing is still there. And there is no one to talk to about it. No one to make sense of it. No one to help me make sense of it. And in turn, I am trying to make sense of it by myself. It will be something that I work on for a long time. I am bound and determined to make my marriage work. Yes, there are mistakes I have made, WE have made, but I love my husband. He is my eternal companion. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't know what to do without him.
I made a choice when I was 23. A choice that still haunts me. A choice that if I had to do over, I probably would. This choice doubted a lot of the people who have supported me and thier love for me. This choice has made me cry tears I never knew exsisted. I know that God has a plan. I know I was meant to marry my husband. It wasn't by chance. But had I made a different choice, would we still be together? Would my pain be any different? Would I not think differently? Would the pain I feel inside not be there? It is something I will never be able to get out of my head or my heart. But, I need to learn to forgive myself. I made a choice and I am thankful that my life has turned out the way it has. I am thankful that God has continued to bless me. I am unworthy of His grace, but I know that it is because of His only Begotton that I am here today.
Those are the big ones in my life. I am dealing with them daily and facing them head on rather than hiding behind something... anything. I am bound and determined to make this work. Through therapy and writing and talking with my friends, my husband, my mother in law, my family... I am getting better. This has all been an emotional uphill battle. It has been in the works my whole life. Isn't it about time that I start anew? Fresh? Without labels?
I am not an addict. My life was not destroyed by the one time over consumption of pills. My life has been on the wrong course long before drugs of any sort, alchohol of any kind and bad behavior on my part, ever exsisted. Will I continue to obstain from these things? Absolutely. Why? Because they aren't bettering my life. They are only made it more difficult to manage. I had a problem. I had been taking pain pills for many reasons, mostly the wrong ones, for a long time. But I was not addicted. I have a lot on my plate and come August, even more. I am officially enrolled to go back to school. So while I am not a mommy yet, I am still striving to live my dream as a wife, a teacher, a helper, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter and just someone trying to make it in this world. And I will. I have no doubts.
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