Friday, November 20, 2009

Writer's notes: Tonight, I need to vent. Tonight, I need to just write and so I find myself writing here. No need to worry- or to take it as a negative aspect of myself, but this is in fact my blog and you chose to read it. So please just know that this is just me getting out my feelings. Take it as you will. I am just tired of holding it in- and this- this is how I will let it all out. <3


This past month has been a roller coaster for me. I have had some pretty big ranges of emotions. Some I will go into detail here- others I won't. But know that my heart still feels like it is breaking. I feel like at any moment, I am going to burst into tears. I know that eventually (just like with all things) this will subside. But tonight, it is overwhelming.

Right before Tom and I got sealed in September, we thought we were pregnant. It was something I had been praying so hard about. I took a pregnancy test, it was positive. I was elated to say the least. The next day, I made a doctor's appointment. It was for Wednesday. I was going on my lunch. On Wednesday morning, I had started bleeding. By the time I went to the doctor's, it was heavy and clot like. I had what they called a chemical pregnancy. The egg has in fact been fertilized, but had failed to attach itself to the uterus. I was, to say the least, devastated. Just thinking that we were pregnant, had me attached to what we had made together, to what was going to be our baby. And in one instant it was gone. And it hurt so much. But, with the help of the Lord, and Tom, I picked myself back up and moved on. It was all I could do. I couldn't dwell, and everyone kept telling me that when it was God's plan to have a baby, we would. And I hate that. I know it will be in God's time, but please stop telling me to stop trying or to not worry about it. It is hard enough to not get pregnant when I want so badly to start a family, but to have people tell you to stop worrying about it and to stop trying. All our lives, we have been told that if we want something to try your hardest and you will succeed. But now I am being told differently. My brain and my heart just can't take it anymore.

At this point, I have left it to God. It still hurts and every blog I open and I see new babies or more people getting pregnant, it hurts. It hurts like hell. It is like a dagger into my heart. But there is nothing I can do about it. We will just wait. And we will just have faith. Because as of right now that is all we can do.

I lost my job at the end of October. And while it was a serious blow to my ego, I found another one within the week and have had a nice vacation of packing and getting ready to move in with Tom's grandparents.

We decided after much prayer and talking, that moving into the condo was not in the best interest of ourselves. Tom and I have never had much time together- just the two of us. We have always had a roommate and we believe now more than ever, we need to just be us. So we will stay with his grandparents until we are ready to go (no more than 6 months) and then we are going to spread our wings and fly.

After all of this happened, I found out my father eloped with his girlfriend Kendra. It was heartbreaking news to hear. I figured out he would want to share this most important occasion with his children, with his family. And while he made his decision, he lied. He betrayed me. I feel as though he has now chosen his new wife over his children. (And that is just how I feel.) I am not upset at who he married. I am not even mad that he eloped. I am mad that he lied. That he then berated me because she told him to. I am mad because since then I have yet to hear from him- not one word. I am hurt, heart broken and sad. I miss my daddy. The man I looked up to- the man who was my hero. But I feel like I no longer know my own father. I no longer know the man who used to put me on his shoulders, who used to let me fall asleep on his stomach, who used to give me bear hugs and tell me everything would be alright. I no longer know the man that after not hearing from me for a few days, would call or e-mail me because he was worried about me. I miss the man that was only a phone call away and always had some divine wisdom to tell me about how I was going to be ok or what to do. He is my father. He is still suppose to play a role in my life. Not the number 1 role, but a role... a role I feel he no longer plays at all and it kills me. I never thought I would ever be here.

I have now also found out what lying can do. It can literally tear apart a family. I am not just talking about my dad, but in all aspects. And I never thought that lies could be so devastating. I feel like I have lost a lot this past month. And I feel empty to be honest. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. And yes, I know this will all pass. And yes, I know it will all be ok.

After writing this out, I feel free. A bit lighter. A bit brighter.
There are no more tears to cry over what has happened.
I will move on tonight.
Because that is what we do.
We have to.

Mi tia

Today I am grateful for this woman....
This is my aunt. My godmother. My second mom. My role model. Fritzi (also known as Jennifer) has taught me so much. She has taught me about who I want to be. She has taught me about unconditional love. She has given without getting much in return. She has fought for a love that is so hard to come by. She has the most amazing soul and best laugh.
She has been my closest friend. And while she has been in South Africa these last six months, it has really taught me how much I really do love her and value our relationship. She is one of those people in my family I can go to at any time and express how I am feeling. She will listen and give her wisdom and advice. She has guided me when I have been in very rough patches and has never given up on me.

I am so very blessed to be so close to her. She truly is one of the most beautiful woman I know and I am so thankful to have her in my life. I don't know what I would do without her.

Fritz- I am sure I never tell you enough, but your love, support, encouragement and mere presence means more to me then I could ever express. Words would never do you or how I feel about you justice. You truly are a gift from God everyday of my life. I have really missed you the last six months, am glad you are home and am praying everyday that on the 24th, your dreams come true.
I love you. I am so very thankful for you. Te amo mucho mi tia.


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

My seester

Today I am grateful for:


Jenn has been my "sister" for as long as I can remember. It started back when my mom housed a bunch of drum corps kids and she just happened to be one of them. Then she moved in with us, and then I ran away to her dorm room and ever since she has been one of the closest people in my life.
I have always had a special bond with her. And she has always been there for me. I can always count on her to give me advice and to inspire me to be better. She is a fireman (one of the first in Wyoming), she is a teacher, a personal trainer and a gym instructor. She has always been extremely motivated and I hope that one day, I too can accomplish as much as she has. She has a faith in God unlike most. She strives to give back to those in need. And she has the most amazing heart.
Jenn is my sister. Maybe not by blood, but my heart. I am so thankful to have her in my life and apart of my family. She is simply amazing.

JennI- I don't know how many times I can thank you for all your love and support in my life. You have been such an amazing example to me and I thank God everyday for you and what you have given not only to me but to my family. You are one of a kind and I am blessed to call you my sister. I love you.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Besties for life...

Today- I am grateful for this lovely lady...


She is my best friend. The light of my world. We met 6 years ago during my sophomore year of college. We were both working for European Connection and just started to hang out. We instantly became inseparable and to this day, I can't imagine life without her.

We may live far away from each other now, but we have declared that one day we will live together (or at least next to each other) as old ladies, drinking lemonade and having a lot of little Howies running around. Howie was a dog we bought together from the pound. Along with the stars on our feet, we also have paw prints on our other foot to symbolize our "child." He is now living in Idaho in a great family and I know we miss him dearly.


This woman has been my rock. She has come out to see me in California and Denver. She has been there to pick me up when I am down. She drunk dials me and tells me what an amazing person I am, and even when I have made a fool of myself, she holds my hand and tells me it is ok. She is my sister that God forgot to give me. Either that or believed that our parents couldn't handle us together :)

We have such amazing memories of each other and I am so thankful for her friendship. For her unconditional love and for all of the times when she has been there. I would be lost without her and am so glad that even after all these years, she is still my bff, my bestie, my Ebba Kuenba.

I love you Ebba. You are the greatest best friend in the whole world and I can't wait to see you again. Thanks for everything you have done for me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for meeting you. Miss you lovebug!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

2 days

I have two days to make up for as Thomas and I have been busy packing and trying to get ready to move. It is such a scary transition, but we have a lot of support and we get to stay in our ward- which means I get to see my sunbeams every Sunday and continue to be in a ward that feels like home.

So I will catch up today... with two people I am grateful for.

These are two of the most important people in my life:


While we may have not always gotten along, these two have been a constant in my life. They are both so caring and loving and have always been there.
My sister, Molly, is such a strong woman. She has had quite a few trials in her life, but has overcome them with such amazing diligence, I am proud to call her my sister. I love her phone calls almost daily, and am quite sad when we go some time without talking. She gives me advice and I truly take it to heart. I love that we have our faith in common and that we can talk about it. It is something I hold very dear to my heart. She gave birth to the most beautiful niece in the world and is truly the strength of us kids. I love you Molls and am thankful for you everyday.
My baby brother is the comedian. Whenever, I need a laugh I know I can always count on him. I love hearing from him and miss him desperately. He has been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember and I wish we lived closer again. I miss our drives and our talks. I miss listening to Dave with you. I have such great memories of us. My brother is talented, sweet, loving and so caring and I am so blessed to have him in life.
Now I know we don't always get along, and we have all made mistakes. But you two give me so much happiness in my life. I don't tell you often enough, nor do I show it enough, but I love you and am so very thankful for what you bring to my life each and everyday.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Today and Always



Today, I am thankful for this man....
He is my best friend. The love of my life. My husband. It never fails that he can always make me smile. He always helps me see the bright side of things and has made me and my life amazing. I am so in love with him and continue to fall more in love with him everyday.

I am thankful that he chose me to marry and spend time and all eternity with me. He once asked me what the sweetest thing he has ever done and I replied, "You took me to the Temple." He helps me make my life better everyday.

Baby, I love you and am so blessed to have you in my life. I thank God (and my lucky stars) everyday for you. Thanks for being there and loving me unconditionally. You are amazing.


Thursday, November 12, 2009

My mama!

Today, I am so thankful for this woman:She is my greatest supporter. She is one of my closest friends. And while sometimes we don't always see eye to eye, she is the one person (besides Tom) I know I can always call. She will always answer my calls, greet me at the door when I come over, and wipe my tears, either with words or with her hands. And she can always make me laugh.... "It's broken." "Jeff fafa...."


My mother is the strongest woman I know. She managed to raise 3 kids, but always had at least one more in the house. She worked. Cooked. Cleaned. And loved unconditionally. We went through our fair share of problems, but never did she give up on me. She only pushed me harder which pushed me further.
Each word of advice, each moment I have with her, each Oscar Meyer weiner song, is just another great memory I have of her. She is beautiful. She is one of a kind. And I am so thankful that God gave me her as my mother, as my friend and as my mentor on how I want to be when I grow up.
I love her so much... and I hope she knows it.

Thanks mom, for all you are, for all you have made of me, and for all you continue you to do, not just for me, but for all of us kids. I love you mucho!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Let's give thanks!

So I have been seeing this everywhere and have decided to do it as well... (I am such a copy-cat), but I really like this idea and think it is a great idea. So for the rest of November... everyday, I will post something that I am thankful for. And I challenge you to do the same. Whether it is in an e-mail or via your own blog, find something to be thankful for everyday.

Today I am thankful:


THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS

I am so thankful for the Gospel and for the Church. It has brought so much joy to my life and has taught me how to really rely on God. It has helped me in my marriage and in making my life the life I have always wanted. I couldn't imagine life without it.

Thomas and I got the opportunity to speak with the Bishop today. These are moments that are few and far between (we talk mostly to his counselors) but tonight was overwhelming with love and with the Spirit. I realized how amazing it has been since I became a member and how my life has really changed because of my faith and because of the Gospel. It really has been the biggest blessing in my life and it is the one thing I am the most grateful for.

I am grateful for all the Church has to offer and all the things that it has brought into my life.

XOXO


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

story of our love

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Its all about faith....

On Tuesday, I lost my job.

By Friday, we no longer had a condo.

By Monday, the bank that owns the condo told us we can once again purchase the condo.

And by Tuesday, I had a job again.

Tom attests it to paying tithing. I believe it was from the abundance of prayers and love that showered us.

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your prayers and for all those who thought of us. We are so very grateful.

I will start working at Bank of America on December 7th and am so excited to have a month vacation. :)

Tom is still working.

We are getting ready to move.

And we are excited for the holidays.

The weather is getting chilly. And the leaves are starting to fall.

This is my favorite time of the year.

And I am sharing it with the most amazing man in the world.