The Voice

No, I am not talking about the singing show- although I love it! I am talking about the still small voice that has become such a great force in my life. I am talking about the way that God has prepared me for the path I am journeying on.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have felt the Spirit guiding me and preparing me for the future. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father has been preparing me to be a mother. My heart has felt at peace with the fact that we have struggled with conceiving. I KNOW I will be a mother one day.

I never expected that day to arrive so soon.

Last Saturday night, I received some news that changed my world. That changed our world. T and I became guardians of a 15 year old, H.

T's family has known H's family for quite a long time. H's older sister is best friends with T's little sister. Through them, I have developed close relationships with H and her sister C. I admire them for their faith, tenacity and strength. I am proud of each one of them and have LOVED watching their testimonies grow.

And when I was asked by H if she could stay with T and I, I instantly knew this was something God had been preparing me for. A conversation a few days later with H's mother (who is too ill to take care of H) asked me to be her guardian. We spoke with our Bishop and it was settled. We would take H in as our own and do everything we can to have a home for her that is structured, full of love and centered in God.

Even with a few questions in the back of our mind and some reservations (can we parent a 15 year old? Will she respect us? Can we separate ourselves as friends and be her authority?), we have readily accepted the challenge God has placed before us.

And my heart feels glad, whole. Maybe it is because I finally get to be a mom of sorts.... Or maybe it is because I know I can impact this young woman's life. I know that ALL of the things I have gone through will provide me with some of the wisdom I need to guide her, to help her and be an example to her.

In just the short time she has already stayed with us, we have started to work on her Personal Progress (morals and values a young woman in the Church learns through prayer, scripture and projects). We are working on integrity and virtue right now. Through virtue, we are reading the Book of Mormon in 97 days. We also included H's mom and a newly converted member to this project. In compliance with virtue, H keeping her commitment to us to read 5.5 pages a day will complete her integrity project. She also taught FHE on Monday. Her spirit is so sweet.

For now, we are taking this one day at a time. We hope to see her mom recovered within 90 days. But if not, we will go from there. We have never been more busy, as we are active within our ward, I am working out, working overtime and I now have a beautiful lady to watch over, feed and nurture.

I am flying into Wyoming today for my Godfather's memorial on Saturday. I am excited to be able to be there to celebrate his life and to spend some much needed time with my sister and my niece. I am hoping to go back to the Ward where I started my journey on Sunday and then Monday I leave. Short but sweet.

Hope this finds all of you well.

All my love
Cass <3

Tonight

Tonight my heart breaks.
It has been a long since my heart longed for a baby.
Maybe it is because I get my cravings fulfilled at church with all the beautiful babies there.
But tonight as my husband and I talked about our future- I felt my heart break.
Tears stream down my face as I think about not being a mommy.
As I think about what it would be like to hold my own baby.
To watch my sweet angel sleep on my chest.

I have tried to be strong.
To put my faith in God.
I know He knows what He is doing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I feel like part of me is missing.
That I am not good enough.
I am not filling my calling on this Earth.
That I am failing my husband.
My Heavenly Father.

Tonight, I want a family.
I want a baby to cry at night.
And to poop, eat and sleep.
I want to know what it is like to be exhausted.
To do feedings in the middle of the night.
And to have my babies cuddle me.

Tonight, my heart longs for a baby.