Tonight

Tonight my heart breaks.
It has been a long since my heart longed for a baby.
Maybe it is because I get my cravings fulfilled at church with all the beautiful babies there.
But tonight as my husband and I talked about our future- I felt my heart break.
Tears stream down my face as I think about not being a mommy.
As I think about what it would be like to hold my own baby.
To watch my sweet angel sleep on my chest.

I have tried to be strong.
To put my faith in God.
I know He knows what He is doing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I feel like part of me is missing.
That I am not good enough.
I am not filling my calling on this Earth.
That I am failing my husband.
My Heavenly Father.

Tonight, I want a family.
I want a baby to cry at night.
And to poop, eat and sleep.
I want to know what it is like to be exhausted.
To do feedings in the middle of the night.
And to have my babies cuddle me.

Tonight, my heart longs for a baby.