Mental disorders

In April, I was diagnoised with bipolar 2 and boaderline personality disorder. I think the toughest thing about being diagnoised with this was the misconception of the two mental disorders. Wedmd.com defines bipolar 2 as: "Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time. However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania. A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives."
And boaderline personality disorder is defined as: "Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including suicidality and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self. Thus, BPD is characterized by pervasive instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and actions, often negatively affecting loved ones, family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity."

I feel so misunderstood sometimes. I feel unable to control my emotions at times. I really try and not let these hinder me and am on medication to help balance my moods, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't use it as a crutch, but some people just need to understand what I am dealing with. I am not making excuses for any of my actions, but maybe people knowing this will help them understand where I am in my life.

I get depressed. And often. I try and look at the postive side of life, but sometimes that is just not possible. I am currently seeing someone who is giving me a lot of perspective on my life and how it needs to be shaped. It has taken me this long to figure out that I needed to see someone. I knew I had clinical depression, but I wasn't aware it was this bad.

I have been told all my life that my emotions are the worst part of me. And maybe that is true. But I have seen the side of not having emotions and it is horrible. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped taking medication in the past. I hate not being able to feel happiness or sadness. These types of medications put you right smack dab in the middle of nothing. You don't feel anything, you are just stagnic. And I hate that. I love my emotions, most of the time. They make me who I am.

I know that most people don't take this seriously and just see me as being emotional or that I over-react to situations. But maybe if people knew about the disorder and how it really truly affects people then there would be more of an understanding and less of a negative conotation to these types of disorders.

I have to thank my husband for being so supportive of me while I learn how to manage this. It has been quite a rollarcoaster. Up and down quite often and moments where I just want to lay in bed and sleep. He understands and doesn't question it and his frustrations are valid. I am trying to get better, but this will be with me for the rest of my life.

I have to rely on my meds and on God to get me through this and sometimes it just isn't enough. Something will trigger my depression and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I find myself just being wrapped up my emotions, unable to get out of it.

Thank you to the rest of you who have been able to deal with me and who don't think negatively of my disorder. I hope this helps inform you on what has been going on in my life for the last few months. I will continue to update you.

Hope all is well with you-
Cass