Taking Care of Ourselves

Day 55

I am beginning to realize how important it is to take care of me.
For so long, I have been trying please everyone around me.
I want to fix everyone.
Take care of everyone.
That I forgot about me and what I need and want.
Slowly but surely, I am finding myself getting comfortable with me.
I am learning how to take care of me.
And it is harder than you think.

My main focus everyday is my husband.
What can I do to make him happy?
Does he know I love him?
How can I show him?
And this is how it is supposed to be.
Him in front of me.
Always.
But I am learning that sometimes, I just need to step away and be wih myself.
So I take a drive.
Sit out on the back porch.
Watch my own tv shows.

I had an experience yesterday at group that has made me focus on me.
I was explaining my last week and the events that had happened.
I cried when I talked about my sister and Moogs leaving.
I told them that I might be pregnant
And the mixed emotions I have about it.
(I am 6 days late- Saturday I test)
During break, my therapist took me into her office.
And she, very sternly, said "You can absolutely not have unprotected sex while you are on suboxen."
I was shocked!!!
Not only that, but my UA came back with benzos in my system.
I KNOW I have not taken any in at least 45 days.
I am not sure why my system won't just get rid of them.
And when I tell my therapist that I am not using, she looks at me like I am a big fat liar.
I felt like such a little person.

But then I realized I have to take care of me.
Right now, I am not sure if group is the best thing for me.
Maybe just going to meetings
And focusing on my recovery and my family.

So today, I will take care of me... and Tom... and Titan.
I will work on me.
I will worry about no one else.
Or what anyone else cares.
And those that love me for the person I am and am becoming
Will be apart of my life
Those that don't and choose not to
Will not be.
It will be as simple as that.
I need to focus on the more positive aspects of my life.
And that is a lot.
For I am one blessed wife, daughter, sister, friend, niece, granddaughter...etc.

<3