A label

As I am driving home from Southern California, I am puzzled. Most of the weekend, I have thought and been asked a question. A question that I have had to learn the definition of in many forms. Am I an addict?

Narcotics Anonymous says, "Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another- the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

My trip to Southern California was to help my cousin with her state board test for cosmotology. She needed a model and I needed a break. A girl's weekend. I had a rough week before this trip. I had found out about the passing of my Godfather and family friend. It shook my world. He was 80 years young. I was not prepared to be met with this. I did not think that the last time I saw him this summer would be the last time. I just needed to get away. I had called my mother to speak to her in regards to Jess. I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I felt. My heart hurt. Something feirce. I miss him. And that night was no exception. It only seemed more real as I watched Miley Cyrus in a movie. Yes, I said it. Miley Cyrus. I was overcome with grief and I did the only thing I could think of... I call my mom. She helped me understand that it is loss and she just listened. That was enough. The next day, I called to thank her and I told her that I was going to see my cousin who is also her Goddaughter. She responded, "Are you out of your mind?" Not understanding, I asked. "What are you and her going to do while you are down there?" (Implying that I would use). I assured her I wouldn't. I had a girlfriend going with me. I was prepared. Not that I was expecting to do anything anyways... but as my husband would say, "Always be prepared." There was some more condescending talk, something about how I didn't think I needed treatment. But that got me thinking.... Am I really an addict?

My best friend has said that I am not an addict, but it was more the ability to escape from whatever pain it was that I was feeling. I think I have finally started to get a grip on what it was that was causing me so much pain. Or at least I have scratched the surface. Allow me to enlighten you.

The relationship with my mother has been less than ideal most of my life. I cannot really speak of the first few years as I do not remember much, but from what I have been told, it was never really great. She had already treated me differently. Even my father told me while we were in France together that he was sorry for the way my mom treated me. What I have always felt, seemed to be validated.... if not with those who have told me, but by just that, my own feelings. Never being able to admit it to myself caused quite a bit of angst among myself.... I would go to many lengths to try and get her to love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. I tried the good and the bad. I tried tending to her when she was sick, or when she was heartbroken. I tried being her friend, what I thought was the perfect daughter. I tried out for swimming and dated boys she approved of or didn't approve of to get attention from her. I tried it all. Only to fail time and time again. That defeat ruined me. It hurt me. It felt and still feels like it will never be enough for her. I went to day treatment so that she might see that I really need her. I have needed her. In the end, I learned so much more. I don't need my mother. Of course, I would like her there, but I don't need her. I don't need the pain that comes with our relationship. I have learned that I will be ok without her. If I am not enough for my own mother to want to be around me then I don't need that relationship. I am better than that. And I am finally believing that.

My parent's divorce had a profound affect on me. It hurt. Deeply. And for so long, I didn't talk about it. In fact, I still haven't, really. It started at a young age, with parents trying to make it work for the kids, only to have apartment visits and angry parents while we tried to grow up and be normal. It ended, at least for me, while I was in a foreign country. I came home, after being gone a year, to no home, no family, no bed. My dogs were gone. My family was destroyed and I was just supposed to pretend like it didn't hurt. My mother wasn't there to meet me at the gate when I got home, like she was for my sister. My father was away at work. My brother and my sister had each other. I was alone. In turn, my actions later, would have an effect on not only me, but my grandparents, my family, my relationships with men and with my friends. It still hurts me. I understand that my parents will never be together again. I understand we will never have the family we maybe once could have had. I am happy for each of my parents as each of them have seemed to find their own happiness. But the hurt is still there. The fear of abadonment is still there. The fear of failing is still there. And there is no one to talk to about it. No one to make sense of it. No one to help me make sense of it. And in turn, I am trying to make sense of it by myself. It will be something that I work on for a long time. I am bound and determined to make my marriage work. Yes, there are mistakes I have made, WE have made, but I love my husband. He is my eternal companion. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't know what to do without him.

I made a choice when I was 23. A choice that still haunts me. A choice that if I had to do over, I probably would. This choice doubted a lot of the people who have supported me and thier love for me. This choice has made me cry tears I never knew exsisted. I know that God has a plan. I know I was meant to marry my husband. It wasn't by chance. But had I made a different choice, would we still be together? Would my pain be any different? Would I not think differently? Would the pain I feel inside not be there? It is something I will never be able to get out of my head or my heart. But, I need to learn to forgive myself. I made a choice and I am thankful that my life has turned out the way it has. I am thankful that God has continued to bless me. I am unworthy of His grace, but I know that it is because of His only Begotton that I am here today.

Those are the big ones in my life. I am dealing with them daily and facing them head on rather than hiding behind something... anything. I am bound and determined to make this work. Through therapy and writing and talking with my friends, my husband, my mother in law, my family... I am getting better. This has all been an emotional uphill battle. It has been in the works my whole life. Isn't it about time that I start anew? Fresh? Without labels?

I am not an addict. My life was not destroyed by the one time over consumption of pills. My life has been on the wrong course long before drugs of any sort, alchohol of any kind and bad behavior on my part, ever exsisted. Will I continue to obstain from these things? Absolutely. Why? Because they aren't bettering my life. They are only made it more difficult to manage. I had a problem. I had been taking pain pills for many reasons, mostly the wrong ones, for a long time. But I was not addicted. I have a lot on my plate and come August, even more. I am officially enrolled to go back to school. So while I am not a mommy yet, I am still striving to live my dream as a wife, a teacher, a helper, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter and just someone trying to make it in this world. And I will. I have no doubts.