Mama Taylor and I at the Temple <3
I have been wanting to blog for a few days now and every time I would start one, my brain would just shut off. So, I am attempting yet again to update this thing which will then update you all.
First and foremost, I was finally helped! After 3 and a half weeks of struggling on my own, without much help from Kaiser, I was able to see a psychiatrist who oversees the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). Now mind you, I had to call Kaiser's member services and file complaints. I had to call the mental health department and get the manager of the department on the phone and complain, but my perseverance paid off. I read today that sometime you have to be your own doctor and I think that is the most sad thing I have heard in a long time, yet so very true. If a doctor won't help you, give you medicine to mask the symptoms and send you on your way, or chooses not to believe you, you have to take it into your own hands. If 2 doctors disagree, you have to decide what to do next. In a country where we pay so much for medical insurance and pay our doctors, one would think that they would take their job a bit more seriously. Nonetheless, on Thursday I saw Dr. Meers. We spent an our going through my symptoms, talking over my problems and coming up with a solution. She agreed I needed to attend IOP. We set up some goals of what I would like to achieve while I am attending the program. She agreed that I was experiencing hypomania or mania (we are still not sure as she was seeing me start to fluctuate between the highs and low). Over the next two weeks, I will be attending intensive group therapy 5 times a week. I have spoken with doctor, specifically for IOP, and discussed my medication. I am continuing on Seroquel at 300-400 mg for the next two weeks. I am also taking my normal antidepressant as well as an antidepressant that is used for sleeping more so than depression. I am going to learn how to develop coping skills for when I start to experience any form of mania (whether hypo or full blown). I will and have already learned how to recognize warning signs of when I start to experience an episode.
------ For those of you who aren't familiar with the lingo... I will explain.
Mania is defined by medterms.com as: " An abnormally elevated mood state characterized by such symptoms as inappropriate elation, increased irritability, severe insomnia, grandiose notions, increased speed and/or volume of speech, disconnected and racing thoughts, increased sexual desire, markedly increased energy and activity level, poor judgment, and inappropriate social behavior."
Hypomania is defined as: "A condition similar to mania but less severe. The symptoms are similar with elevated mood, increased activity, decreased need for sleep, grandiosity, racing thoughts, and the like. However, hypomanic episodes differ in that they do not cause significant distress or impair one's work, family, or social life in an obvious way while manic episodes do. Hypomanic people tend to be unusually cheerful, have more than ample energy, and need little sleep. Hypomania is a pleasurable state. It may confer a heightened sense of creativity and power. However, hypomania can subtly impair a person's judgment. Too much confidence can conceal the consequences of decisions. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness. It is important to diagnose hypomania because, as an expression of bipolar disorder, it can cycle into depression and carry an increased risk of suicide."
Mixed episode is defined as: "...a period of time in which both the criteria to diagnose a major depressive episode and a manic episode are fully met, except for the duration requirements of each. The mood problem (manic alternating with depressive symptoms) takes place nearly every day for a total of at least a week."
Depression in the bipolar disorder is normally characterized just like that of clinical depression.-------
Now that I have addressed one of the issues, the next is very exciting for me.
Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to see one of our Apostles, Elder Russel M. Nelson, speak today at our stake conference. Getting there was no easy feat. Tom and I spent the night at his parent's house, which had 2 cats (one of them I am not sure I want to call my own right now) going nuts all night long. 6 o'clock came and we were woken up. Tom, at that point, had decided he was not going (he got off work at 11:30 and didn't get to sleep until 1 or so. I bartered with my sleeping body (the seroquel is not only a mood stabilizer but also a sedative and since has started to work in just the last two days or so, I am really groggy all day long). I won, got up, got dressed and Bill (Tom's dad), Victoria (Tom's mom) and I were on our way to Oakland at 7:15. We got there at about 8 and had about an hour of time to kill. I swooned myself with babies (my friend's babies) and got to talk to some friends whom I haven't had the chance to speak to in quite sometime. Then conference started. And it was amazing. A new Patriarch was sustained and the talks were incredible. It had been quite some time since I had felt the Spirit so strongly. My body would get goosebumps over and over again. My eyes would fill with tears. I wished so badly Tom would have come. I remember why I became a Member. I had been reminded last week, but it was only confirmed that much more this week. I felt so grateful to have been there.
I feel as though God is starting to prepare me to be a mother. I am so glad that Tom and I have decided to wait until next January (and I have to be 50 pounds lighter) to start trying again. I feel like all that we have gone through in the last few months would have been so hard (and nearly impossible) had we been parents. And I can see God using me. Preparing me. I know now that I will be a mom. Before, I wasn't so sure.
Tom has had a second interview with a company in Concord. We are hopeful and excited at the prospect of this job. It is a warehouse job for a water company. It will be great experience and hopefully we will find out this week whether or not he got the job.
My faith has grown immensely over the past few weeks. I have been given inspirtation over and over again the last two weeks. Many talks have been about sharing the Gospel and about the importance of our actions. I received an email from K stating the exact same thing. Today, we had a new Patriarch sustained in our Stake. In the church, a Patriartical Blessing is a gift we receive from the Patriarch. He receives his inspiration from our Heavenly Father. I have been blessed to have been given mine almost 3 years ago. Now while these are very sacred and very personal, I feel the promptings to share this. My Patriartical Blessing states that through my actions, my family will follow my example. For a long time, I thought that meant my immediate family (mom, dad, sisters, brother). I have since learned that it is ALL of my family. My husband, my in-laws, ALL my brothers, and ALL my sisters, my grandparents, my friends, and even myself. My actions have been far from worthy. They have not shown that I am a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I want to SHINE! I want people to ask what I have that they don't. I have a strong testimony of tithing and of the Temple. I know we have a Prophet in these latter days. I know that He has called men to be His Apostles and to spread the Word. I know the truthfulness of the Gospel. I know the trueness of the Church. And today just confirmed it.
I can't wait to get back to the Temple. I can't wait until I can be back in the House of the Lord. The joy I experience there is unlike any other.
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