I have been wanting to write about this particular subject for some time now.
I guess it is partly because I want to justify myself
And maybe defend myself
But more so, to help people understand.

I have had a lot of obstacles in my life.
I have struggled with some extremely difficult problems in my life.
I have always been a pretty vocal person.
I have never been shy to share my experiences or to offer advice when asked.
And even now as I struggle with infertility, mental illness and addiction- I am not afraid to share my story.

I don't care what people think of me.
If they judge me.
They haven't walked in my shoes.
They don't know what I have gone through.
And those that love me will never judge me or think less of me.

I am often reminded that we all have struggles.
We were placed on this Earth to become the best person we can be.
We will have obstacles placed in front of us.
It is what we do with those obstacles that will determine how life will go for us.

I believe more now that because of my experiences, I will be able to help others.
I know that I finish my studies to become a teacher, that I will be able to make a difference.
I know that this is what I have always been meant to do with my life.

Am I ashamed of the choices I make?
Sometimes.
Do I regret the choices I've made?
Sometimes.
But I refuse to live in the past anymore.
I am moving forward.
I refuse to hide who I am.

I AM bipolar.
I AM infertile
I AM a recovering addict.
And I AM happy.

I am taking my mistakes, my faults and using them to my advantage.
I am becoming a healthier, better, stronger woman.
And slowly but surely, as I admit my feats and work on them- I know I will make it.

I think more than anything, my faith in God has changed.
Magnified.
I became desperate for Him.
And now I am striving everyday to be like Him.
To follow the promises I have made.
To be the daughter He created me to be.

I will always have a long way to go.
I will always fall short.
But that is why the Atonement is so glorious.
That is why I am so grateful for the cross Jesus chose to bear.
For me.
For you.
For this world.

I'M ON A ROLL THIS TIME AND HEAVEN IS IN SIGHT

I know I know I know... it has been a while since I have written.
I just haven't felt like writing until recently- and life has picked up, so there is even less time for writing now, but since I am alone at the in-laws doing our laundry, I figured why not write?
Why not catch you up on our ever busy life? Ha!

Where do I begin?

I thought a lot about venting about a current frustration, but then after some prayer and reflection, I realized that I shouldn't get myself so worked up about a situation that I cannot control. I have done all I can do and now it is time for FAITH!

Yesterday, I returned to work after being on leave for 2 months. It felt really good to be back. And while I know this isn't what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life, I do want to take advantage of this time to save money, pay off debt and get our lives started. It is also a HUGE motivator to finish school. I don't want to wake up dreading going into work for the rest of my life. I want to love my job. I want to make sure that I do what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Tom is loving his new job and is quickly turning into their prized possession. He was told yesterday that within 6 months to a year, they expect him to be the warehouse manager and to be helping out with the computer side of things (I knew his love for computers would come in handy one day)!!! And I LOVE him working. I LOVE taking care of the house and taking care of the chores. I LOVE knowing that we are going to be able to pay off all of our debt, save money, buy a house, get a new car, travel and enjoy life a little more now that we both have full time employment. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off both of our shoulders. It is really so nice.

I have been working out so much. I had to stop running (momentarily) because my shin splints (they got so bad, I thought I was never going to walk again), but I have been swimming instead. It has always been my sanctuary and it still is. It feels so good to get into the pool and just release all of my frustrations out on the water. I love the feeling of streaming through the water. I love the feeling of my arms pulling me through. I love the feeling of the water on my legs. I love blowing bubbles when I breathe. It just all does my heart something good. I am also watching my calorie intake. 1200 calories a day. Lots of water. It feels great. I am motivated and am ready to get back into shape. And then stay in shape.

Life on the mental health front seems to be leveling out (FINALLY)! Because Tom and I would like to start trying to have a family again at the beginning of the year, it was recommended that I stop taking 3 out of the 6 medications I was on. It isn't good to be on them once you've conceived, and it can take up to 6 months for it all to be out of your system. The other 3 (one of the them birth control) will be stopped in January. I plan on being medication free while trying to conceive and during the pregnancy. I have been told that it is OK to be on some of these medications while you are pregnant, but there are still risks, and risks I am not willing to take. As far as my mental status, it could change, but I will be seeing my therapist on a weekly basis during all of that time so that everything can be monitored safely. I am thankful that a plan has already been placed down, so that I know what is to come (as much as I can know anyways).

At the beginning of the post today, I mentioned that all I can do right now is have faith. It has been a rough couple of months, preceded by some really horrible periods in my (our) life. I know that I wouldn't be able to recognize the blessings that we have received had we not had to go through some of the obstacles that have been placed in front of us. I know that we are only stronger in our faith in God because we were steadfast and held onto the iron rod. I am in no way perfect. I have fallen, stumbled, scraped my hands and knees, all but given up, and turned my back, but God kept carrying me, holding my close and letting me know how much He loves me. How much He loves us. How proud He is of us and our faith.

My testimony grows each and every day.
I have a few experiences that I would like to share.

The first one happened yesterday. One of the ladies I work with gave me a ride home yesterday. We will call her Tete. Tete is 4 months pregnant with her 3rd child. Her husband hasn't worked in over 2 years. She works the same job I do, same hours. She drives one hour (or more depending on traffic) each way to work. Things are really difficult for them. She has been worried about getting her electric bill paid so that it doesn't get turned off. She has waited so long to pay it that it is well over $500.00. And yet, despite all of the turmoil, she has such an air about her. She still smiles and laughs. She does her job well. She was gracious to give me a ride home. She still has faith that everything will work out. When I got out of the car yesterday, my heart was overcome with graciousness. Tom and I will never have to worry about our bills being paid. We've had to humbly ask for help several times, and we've never been turned away. I felt so grateful that we haven't received the blessing of having a child yet. God needed us to wait. He needed us to be able to provide a good life for His children. Now, I am not saying Tete doesn't do a good job, but how much easier would it be if they both had jobs? And to have a 3rd child, with diapers and formula... I couldn't imagine. And maybe that is why we are just now being prepared to start a family?

On Sunday, it was fast and testimony meeting at Church. For those of you who are not familiar with the Church, this is where for the first hour, members of the Church, get up in front of everyone and bear their testimony. We also fast for two meals and give the money we would spend on those meals to tithing. Now it is not rare for me to fast with a purpose. A prayer, or well wishes, a problem or some guidance, but Sunday, I was drawing a blank. Tom was there at Church with me, we had picked up our friend H, who also brought a friend and life was good.
(Some background)---- up until a couple of months ago, Tom and I really hadn't been going to Church. We would go to Sacrament maybe once a month, but found sleeping in to be what would hold us from attending Church. When we don't go, we don't pay our tithing, we don't get to be in fellowship, and we don't get to learn and we really drift from where we should be in our lives. Now turn back to April 17. Tom and I went to Church with his mom and dad. And it was incredible. And we've been going ever since. Tom now has Sundays off (another blessing) and we get to spend the WHOLE day together.

.... back to the point.... Hearing people bear their testimonies and witnessing to us is always a treat. It always helps my own personal testimony grow. But one in particular really touched me. And it wasn't given at our Church- it is from a blog that I have been following for sometime now. Her name is Red Hot (obviously changed to protect her) and she has an incredible story. A changed heart. The glory that comes from Repentance and from the Atonement. You can see her blog here. Her story, her faith, her courage and her love has changed me. And every time she shares something wonderful about the Gospel or about her own personal life, I am made better. I hope that I can be that type of person too. I want to be the light that Christ has instilled in me. I want people to want what I have. I want to be an example. And I want to live a life that will get me next to Heavenly Father one da

Also on Sunday, I was reminded to thank my MIL for all she does to help me. For some, it may not seem like much, but to me, it is everything. I have learned how to cook, how to sew (some stuff), how to be more creative, and because of Victoria, I am slowly starting to become the type of wife/mother I want to be. I love learning new things from her all the time. Things I never knew before. And I love that she takes the time to be with me, to spend with me, to make me feel special. I can't imagine having a better MIL. I don't know how else to thank her than to just show her or tell her. I want to take her out sometime, just the two of us. I love our walks and our talks. I love that I can tell her anything, and I have NEVER felt like she has ever judged me. I have so much respect and love for this woman. I have watched her change over the last 4 years into a very happy, self-assured person. She has helped me realize that change is constant, that life is not to be put to waste living on regrets. I love our scripture study and our conversations about the Gospel. She is just another HUGE blessing in my life and I couldn't have made it this far without her. Thanks Mom for always being there. I am eternally grateful!

Other than that- life is pretty dull.
July, I head to Wyoming for my Godfather's funeral.
I can't wait to spend time with Moogie (as well as other family)
Maybe by then my aunt and uncle's little girl will be here :)
We will go back to Colorado when she is baptized.
September, we are planning on going camping for our 3rd anniversary with Tom's parents.
And Incubus is coming to San Francisco October 9th and I desperately want to go.

I hope I didn't forget anything, but if I did, oh well.

I hope all is well with you!

Much love! <3
XOXO

P.S. If you haven't heard the new Coldplay song---- GO LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!!!!!

(I had already posted this, when I was folding laundry and remembered this)
In Relief Society on Sunday, we were talking about how important it is to follow the Prophet. The Sunday before, I had expressed an experience I had during the week that had really taught me the importance of following the Prophet.

Now most of you know, I have been struggling to conceive children. Tom and I tried for almost 3 years, before taking a break. It has been one of the toughest battles of my life. There has been a lot of crying, bargaining, praying, heartache and faith. While in Sunday school, I talked about how I had just read an article about caffeine and how it can hinder fertility. Now the Prophets have never really talked about caffeine per say, but coffee and tea we are asked to abstain from. And before I become LDS, I loved coffee- I still love coffee and even more so I love tea, iced tea to be exact. I never really understood why we were asked to abstain from it. I thought it was just silly mumbo jumbo, but then it hit me- we were counseled, we were asked to do things that would only help us- never hinder us. I will now ALWAYS follow the Prophet and His counsel. No matter what it is, I will follow.

Blessings come in ALL shapes and sizes!

Mama Taylor and I at the Temple <3


I have been wanting to blog for a few days now and every time I would start one, my brain would just shut off. So, I am attempting yet again to update this thing which will then update you all.

First and foremost, I was finally helped! After 3 and a half weeks of struggling on my own, without much help from Kaiser, I was able to see a psychiatrist who oversees the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). Now mind you, I had to call Kaiser's member services and file complaints. I had to call the mental health department and get the manager of the department on the phone and complain, but my perseverance paid off. I read today that sometime you have to be your own doctor and I think that is the most sad thing I have heard in a long time, yet so very true. If a doctor won't help you, give you medicine to mask the symptoms and send you on your way, or chooses not to believe you, you have to take it into your own hands. If 2 doctors disagree, you have to decide what to do next. In a country where we pay so much for medical insurance and pay our doctors, one would think that they would take their job a bit more seriously. Nonetheless, on Thursday I saw Dr. Meers. We spent an our going through my symptoms, talking over my problems and coming up with a solution. She agreed I needed to attend IOP. We set up some goals of what I would like to achieve while I am attending the program. She agreed that I was experiencing hypomania or mania (we are still not sure as she was seeing me start to fluctuate between the highs and low). Over the next two weeks, I will be attending intensive group therapy 5 times a week. I have spoken with doctor, specifically for IOP, and discussed my medication. I am continuing on Seroquel at 300-400 mg for the next two weeks. I am also taking my normal antidepressant as well as an antidepressant that is used for sleeping more so than depression. I am going to learn how to develop coping skills for when I start to experience any form of mania (whether hypo or full blown). I will and have already learned how to recognize warning signs of when I start to experience an episode.
------ For those of you who aren't familiar with the lingo... I will explain.
Mania is defined by medterms.com as: " An abnormally elevated mood state characterized by such symptoms as inappropriate elation, increased irritability, severe insomnia, grandiose notions, increased speed and/or volume of speech, disconnected and racing thoughts, increased sexual desire, markedly increased energy and activity level, poor judgment, and inappropriate social behavior."
Hypomania is defined as: "A condition similar to mania but less severe. The symptoms are similar with elevated mood, increased activity, decreased need for sleep, grandiosity, racing thoughts, and the like. However, hypomanic episodes differ in that they do not cause significant distress or impair one's work, family, or social life in an obvious way while manic episodes do. Hypomanic people tend to be unusually cheerful, have more than ample energy, and need little sleep. Hypomania is a pleasurable state. It may confer a heightened sense of creativity and power. However, hypomania can subtly impair a person's judgment. Too much confidence can conceal the consequences of decisions. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness. It is important to diagnose hypomania because, as an expression of bipolar disorder, it can cycle into depression and carry an increased risk of suicide."
Mixed episode is defined as: "...a period of time in which both the criteria to diagnose a major depressive episode and a manic episode are fully met, except for the duration requirements of each. The mood problem (manic alternating with depressive symptoms) takes place nearly every day for a total of at least a week."
Depression in the bipolar disorder is normally characterized just like that of clinical depression.-------

Now that I have addressed one of the issues, the next is very exciting for me.
Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to see one of our Apostles, Elder Russel M. Nelson, speak today at our stake conference. Getting there was no easy feat. Tom and I spent the night at his parent's house, which had 2 cats (one of them I am not sure I want to call my own right now) going nuts all night long. 6 o'clock came and we were woken up. Tom, at that point, had decided he was not going (he got off work at 11:30 and didn't get to sleep until 1 or so. I bartered with my sleeping body (the seroquel is not only a mood stabilizer but also a sedative and since has started to work in just the last two days or so, I am really groggy all day long). I won, got up, got dressed and Bill (Tom's dad), Victoria (Tom's mom) and I were on our way to Oakland at 7:15. We got there at about 8 and had about an hour of time to kill. I swooned myself with babies (my friend's babies) and got to talk to some friends whom I haven't had the chance to speak to in quite sometime. Then conference started. And it was amazing. A new Patriarch was sustained and the talks were incredible. It had been quite some time since I had felt the Spirit so strongly. My body would get goosebumps over and over again. My eyes would fill with tears. I wished so badly Tom would have come. I remember why I became a Member. I had been reminded last week, but it was only confirmed that much more this week. I felt so grateful to have been there.

I feel as though God is starting to prepare me to be a mother. I am so glad that Tom and I have decided to wait until next January (and I have to be 50 pounds lighter) to start trying again. I feel like all that we have gone through in the last few months would have been so hard (and nearly impossible) had we been parents. And I can see God using me. Preparing me. I know now that I will be a mom. Before, I wasn't so sure.

Tom has had a second interview with a company in Concord. We are hopeful and excited at the prospect of this job. It is a warehouse job for a water company. It will be great experience and hopefully we will find out this week whether or not he got the job.

My faith has grown immensely over the past few weeks. I have been given inspirtation over and over again the last two weeks. Many talks have been about sharing the Gospel and about the importance of our actions. I received an email from K stating the exact same thing. Today, we had a new Patriarch sustained in our Stake. In the church, a Patriartical Blessing is a gift we receive from the Patriarch. He receives his inspiration from our Heavenly Father. I have been blessed to have been given mine almost 3 years ago. Now while these are very sacred and very personal, I feel the promptings to share this. My Patriartical Blessing states that through my actions, my family will follow my example. For a long time, I thought that meant my immediate family (mom, dad, sisters, brother). I have since learned that it is ALL of my family. My husband, my in-laws, ALL my brothers, and ALL my sisters, my grandparents, my friends, and even myself. My actions have been far from worthy. They have not shown that I am a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I want to SHINE! I want people to ask what I have that they don't. I have a strong testimony of tithing and of the Temple. I know we have a Prophet in these latter days. I know that He has called men to be His Apostles and to spread the Word. I know the truthfulness of the Gospel. I know the trueness of the Church. And today just confirmed it.

I can't wait to get back to the Temple. I can't wait until I can be back in the House of the Lord. The joy I experience there is unlike any other.