I struggled today.
I thought for sure I was pregnant.
I though I had all the signs---- again.
And then the cramping started.
And I knew.... I wasn't.
And my heart broke.
Again.
But then I am comforted.
I know it will all be ok.
We are not less of a family because of this condition.
Maybe the Lord is just not ready for us to have a baby.
And then I read this:
Just the Two of Us—
for Now
By Ardeth G. Kapp
Young Women General President
This is an edited version of a talk given 1 November 1981 at a married student fireside at Brigham Young University.
Ardeth G. Kapp, “Just the Two of Us—for Now,” Ensign, Feb. 1989, 21
My husband and I do not have any children at the present time. Our blessings in this matter have been delayed. But make no mistake, we are even now a family. Our family unit was established by the authority of God at the same time that we knelt at the altar in the temple. Children come as an extension and an expansion of the family. When a man and a woman are married, they immediately become a family and remain a family even in the temporary absence of children.
I mention this because I know many couples struggle with the sorrow of childlessness. I would like to share with those of you who have not been blessed with children my testimony and some of my insights gained from personal experience about our particular challenge. Because these experiences are so personal, I have seldom shared them outside the walls of our own home.
Multiply and Replenish?
Brother Kapp and I understand and remember some of the pains and much of the suffering that you suffer. We remember the emotional highs and lows with every month, including the fast and testimony meetings when testimonies were borne by those who asked in faith and were blessed with children. We know how you return home and put two dinner plates on the table and recall the marriage covenant to multiply and replenish the earth and your desperate desire to qualify for that honor in righteousness. You can’t explain your feelings to each other, much less to your family and friends; and your whole soul cries out as did Job, “If I be righteous, … I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction.” (Job 10:15.)
Some of you go through the suffering and concerns of your childlessness year after year until finally you may even say, “My soul is weary of … life” (Job 10:1), thinking that if you have no children, you cannot fill the measure of your creation. And if you don’t fill the measure of your creation, you may say to yourselves, what else matters?
I will forever remember the day a child new to our neighborhood knocked on our door and asked if our children could come out to play. I explained to him, as to others young and old, for the thousandth time, that we didn’t have any children. This little boy squinted his innocent face in a quizzical look and asked the question that I had not dared put into words, “If you are not a mother, then what are you?”
But then came the day my young husband was called to be a bishop and I was finally convinced that our not having children was not because of our unrighteousness. Some don’t understand that. A good man in the ward who had desired that position came to him privately with strong emotion and said, “What right do you have to be a bishop, and what do you know about helping a family? Don’t ever expect me or my family to come to you for anything!” In time my husband helped that man’s family through a serious crisis, and through it we forged a lasting bond of love with them.
You have undoubtedly had similar experiences. If you haven’t, you will. In these ways we grow from the time when everything hurts and offends us until, with faith in God, we are neither hurt nor offended. But I want you to know I understand if you feel hurt or offended now.
Mother’s Day may be one of those times of hurt. Every year there will be a Mother’s Day, and every year at church a little plant or some other gift may be forced into your clenched fist. But one day you will learn to open your heart, and then, somehow, you will open your hand to receive that gift. Eventually, that gift becomes the symbol of an eternal promise.
Unfulfilled Expectations
I know a childless woman who, at the age of fifty-eight, went into the hospital for a hysterectomy. She couldn’t handle the emotional impact of that event, and she wept bitter tears of anguish, saying, “Now I know that I’ll never have any children.” She and her husband lived together in loneliness, waiting, never facing reality and never able to make the adjustments that could have brought them a full life.
How do we handle unfulfilled expectations? First, we must accept the reality that this life is not intended to be free of struggle. In fact, it is through struggle that we are given opportunities to fulfill the very purpose of this mortal life. It is the fiery trials of mortality that will either consume us or refine us.
Part of those trials is facing alternatives and making decisions. For those of us without children, the choices may seem incredibly difficult to make. What would the Lord have us do? To what extent do we seek medical attention? What about adoption and foster children? What about no children? If that is the choice, then what do we do with our lives? The choices are never simple. During these times of searching, we often find ourselves caught between conflicting counsel from parents and friends and leaders and doctors and other experts. Some couples I’ve known even consider divorce, each one thinking the other is responsible.
From my own experience, I’ve learned that the only lasting peace is the peace that comes when we learn the Lord’s will concerning our opportunities in life. To do that, we must consider our alternatives, formulate a decision, and take it to the Lord. Then, as President Dallin H. Oaks observed when he was president of Brigham Young University, “When a choice will make a real difference in our lives— … and where we are living in tune with the Spirit and seeking his guidance, we can be sure we will receive the guidance we need to attain our goal. The Lord will not leave us unassisted when a choice is important to our eternal welfare.” (BYU devotional address, 29 Sept. 1981, in Brigham Young University 1981–82 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo: University Publications, 1982, p. 26.) I believe that. We just don’t know the Lord’s timeline, and that is where our faith comes in.
I have two younger sisters, both of whom are mothers. My youngest sister, Shirley, has eleven children. Sharon, another sister, has a little girl who was born to her after six years of anxious waiting. Ten years later, through the fervent prayers of the extended family for the wonderful blessing of adoption, a little boy came into their family and was sealed to them in the temple for time and eternity. What a blessing he and the other children have been to all of us!
Over the years my sisters and I, with our husbands, have prayed for each other and with each other and about each other. We have come to know that the Lord has answered our prayers differently and not always in the affirmative and not always according to our timeline. But we have all felt the warm assurance of his approval and love.
There will be times when you may feel that your desires are righteous, but the answer is still no. At that point, the only way to peace is to say, “Not my will but thine be done.” The Lord doesn’t have to explain his decisions to us. If he did, how would we learn faith? I have learned that we must make our choices—even the hard ones—and then accept responsibility for the consequences. It is in facing the awesome responsibility of using our agency and, in faith, making decisions of great eternal consequence, that we are drawn close to God.
Someday, maybe years after the trial of our faith, we will receive a witness that our decisions were right. (See Ether 12:6.) But until then, those who try to live in tune with the promptings of the Spirit must exercise no small degree of faith and courage in following that Spirit.
Serving, Sacrificing, and Learning
What, then, are some of the decisions couples can make to lead fulfilled lives when the answer is that they will not have children in this life? One night, as my husband and I were reaching for that kindly light to lead us ’mid the encircling gloom, we read from President David O. McKay, “The noblest aim in life is to strive … to make other lives … happier.” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1961, p. 131.)
It was like a beacon in the dark. It became a motto, a guiding light. That night, speaking I think by inspiration from the Lord, the patriarch of our family said to me, “You need not possess children to love them. Loving is not synonymous with possessing, and possessing is not necessarily loving. The world is filled with people to be loved, guided, taught, lifted, and inspired.”
My husband and I knew that parents are constantly placed in situations that develop unselfishness and sacrifice. We began to realize that if we were to learn the important lessons that our friends with children were learning, we needed to place ourselves in situations where we could serve and sacrifice. So we began to say yes to everything and to everyone.
It wasn’t long before we had many opportunities to serve and sacrifice. Often, at the end of a long week we would plan for a moment together—just the two of us—and the telephone would ring. We’d postpone our moment together and carry on with joyful, grateful hearts for our opportunities, hoping to qualify even in some small measure for the quality spoken of by Elder Neal A. Maxwell:
“So often our sisters [and I would add brothers] comfort others when their own needs are greater than those being comforted. That quality is like the generosity of Jesus on the cross. Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! … They do not withhold their blessings simply because some blessings are [for now at least] withheld from them.” (Ensign, May 1978, pp. 10–11.)
We who do not have children can wallow in self-pity—or we can experience “birth pains” as we struggle to open the passageway to eternal life for ourselves and others. I bear testimony to you that instead of wrapping your empty and aching arms around yourself, you can reach out to others. As you do so, one day you will even be able to hold your friends’ babies and rejoice. You will be able to rejoice with the mother of a new bride, and the mother of a newly called missionary, and even with your friends the day they become grandmothers. How can that be? Let me tell you.
We were alone with each other in St. George, Utah, one Thanksgiving time because all our relatives were with their families. It was early in the morning in the motel; the room was quiet, and I was thinking. I remember my heart crying out as I anticipated Christmas approaching. And although we could share in the joy and excitement of our nieces and nephews, it wasn’t like having your own children with stockings to hang. The whole thing seemed to me to be unfair. I felt a darkness and a despondency settle over me, and I did what I’d learned to do over the years. I got on my knees and prayed for insight.
My answer came when I opened the scriptures to Doctrine and Covenants 88:67–68: “And if your eye be single to my glory [and remember, God’s glory is to help ‘to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man’ (Moses 1:39)] your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.
“Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that ye shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.” [D&C 88:67–68]
I don’t know how long it will be for you. For us it was years. But one day you will gain an eternal perspective, and you will feel peace not pain, hope not despair. I would have liked so much to have received that insight years before, but I know that had that happened, I would have been deprived of the growth that comes from being comforted by the witness of the Spirit after the trial of my faith.
An Eye on Eternity
If I have any comforting message for you, it is this—Peace of mind comes from keeping an eternal perspective. Motherhood, I believe, is a foreordained mission. For some, this glorious blessing may be delayed, but it will not be denied. Motherhood is an eternal reality for all women who live righteously and accept the teachings of the gospel.
On the other hand, the characteristics of motherhood, which include concern for others, sacrifice, service, compassion, teaching, encouraging, and inspiring can be the noble labor for each one of us now, with or without children. The fate of each spirit in the eternities to come depends so much on the training it receives from those here and now who are willing to help another gain eternal life.
To participate in this glorious work gives meaning and purpose, great joy, and eternal blessings each and every day, even as we anticipate the promises of the future.
If you don’t think that will be enough comfort, let me close with this thought by President Brigham Young:
“Let me here say a word to console the feelings … of all who belong to this Church. Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring. You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you. If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations. … and when you have assisted in peopling one earth, there are millions of earths still in the course of creation. And when they have endured a thousand million times longer than this earth, it is only as it were the beginning of your creations. Be faithful, and if you are not blest with children in this time, you will be hereafter.” (In Journal of Discourses, 8:208.)
And I know that I am blessed.
I have the most amazing, patient, and loving husband a girl could ask for.
Here is to the future... whatever outcome it may be.
<3
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The Bane of my Existence aka Cellulitis
On Thursday November 4th, I got what I thought was a pimple in the middle of my forehead. No big deal I thought.
Well by Sunday the 7th... this is what my forehead looked like:
I thought I had an ear infection as right in front of my ear was in so much pain (the lymph nodes), it hurt to touch the bone from my eyebrow to my ear. And I had such a horrible headache. My mother in law took me to the doctor to be diganosed with a skin infection called cellulites. Possibly caused by a spider bite.
Not two days later the swelling in my face had overtaken my face and this is what I looked like then:
We went to the hospital. It was bad. I received antibiotics through an IV and was told that it would get worse before it got better- but I was not prepared for what would happen.
Over the next two weeks, the infection spread. It landed me in the hospital three days and has now kept me from working, living, feeling well for almost a month now.
This last Saturday, I was given yet another antibiotic as the infection has not gone away (although I no longer look like a Klingon) and I went into anaphylactic shock. My mother in law rushed me to the ER where I received treatment- but it was by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I was also told that the infection might have spread to one of my organs (spleen, kidneys or liver). They took me off the antibiotics and put me on steroids and was told that I needed to be seen by the infectious disease clinic. Awesome. That appointment is on Friday morning.
In the meantime, we have been at my amazing in-laws house. Our car started leaking anti-freeze this week. We took it in this morning to find out that the water gasket is leaking and needs to be replaced. Another awesome thing. It will cost around $600.00 and we are so thankful to have family that is able to help us. Thanks Daddy- it means a lot to have your help!!!
I can honestly say that I have never been more ready to go back to work. Hopefully the doctor's release me on Friday to return to work Monday.
But more importantly than all of that, my testimony has grown so much.
We have had to rely on God during this trail.
I am not working.
Tom is getting as many hours as possible, but it still isn't enough.
We have so many people praying for me, that it is as though I can feel each one.
I have never been happier than I am right now.
I feel like everything is ok- even when I know I have never been more sick than I am right now.
Tom and I feel so blessed to have God's mercy being granted to us everyday.
I wanted to share this story with you all. It has changed my life. This sickness has made me depend on my Heavenly Father more than ever before.
With 5 trips to the ER and a hospital stay- along with a CT scan, we knew that the medical bills were going to be more than we could handle. It was by far the biggest stress on both Tom and I. The last visit on Saturday was extremely emotional.
When I got admitted into the hospital Tom and I filed an application with our medical provider to get some financial assistance. We were told it would take a month to be processed and we would be notified by mail. Ok.
So- back to Saturday night after my allergic reaction to the medication..... after I was released we had to go pick up my medication (2 epi-pens (just in case something happened again) and steroids). Now Tom and I literally had just enough to pay tithing, get milk and toilet paper and gas for the rest of the week. When I saw how much it was going to be for the medication (even with insurance, it was expensive) Tom and I would have nothing left. By the grace of God and some help, we have been able to pay our bills and rent for the month, but that was it, we had nothing else to give. I almost started to freak out. I looked at Tom and was almost in tears when the pharmacist said, "It looks like you filed some paperwork." We had been approved for the financial assistance. All of the hospital visits, the medication, the hospital stay, EVERYTHING, was going to be covered. When we got home, there was the letter letting us know we would be covered until January. We immediately prayed and thanked the Lord for once again delivering us.
While this has been the most trying thing I have ever had to deal with, it has also brought Tom and I so much closer. We have also become closer to our Heavenly Father. I am so very grateful for all of the prayers and blessings we have received. I am so very thankful for Tom's amazing family. They have been incredibly generous and selfless. Tom's mom has gone above and beyond the call of mother in law. She has held my hand as they tried to lance my forehead. She has read to me and held me close. I can never repay her for what she has given to me. For what she has done for Tom and I. I also cannot ever thank my father and step-mother enough for all they have done. The calls and the texts as well as helping us with our car has meant so much to both of us. It has really helped make this whole ordeal better. My family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brother and sisters, friends and members of the church have done more for us then we could ever ask for. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
So I just want to say thank you. Thank you for the prayers. For the phone calls. The emails. The texts. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts. It is more than we could ever ask for. We are eternally grateful.
I see the infectious disease doctor at 8:45 am on Friday. I will update this as soon as I know what is going on. <3
Well by Sunday the 7th... this is what my forehead looked like:
I thought I had an ear infection as right in front of my ear was in so much pain (the lymph nodes), it hurt to touch the bone from my eyebrow to my ear. And I had such a horrible headache. My mother in law took me to the doctor to be diganosed with a skin infection called cellulites. Possibly caused by a spider bite.
Not two days later the swelling in my face had overtaken my face and this is what I looked like then:
We went to the hospital. It was bad. I received antibiotics through an IV and was told that it would get worse before it got better- but I was not prepared for what would happen.
Over the next two weeks, the infection spread. It landed me in the hospital three days and has now kept me from working, living, feeling well for almost a month now.
This last Saturday, I was given yet another antibiotic as the infection has not gone away (although I no longer look like a Klingon) and I went into anaphylactic shock. My mother in law rushed me to the ER where I received treatment- but it was by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I was also told that the infection might have spread to one of my organs (spleen, kidneys or liver). They took me off the antibiotics and put me on steroids and was told that I needed to be seen by the infectious disease clinic. Awesome. That appointment is on Friday morning.
In the meantime, we have been at my amazing in-laws house. Our car started leaking anti-freeze this week. We took it in this morning to find out that the water gasket is leaking and needs to be replaced. Another awesome thing. It will cost around $600.00 and we are so thankful to have family that is able to help us. Thanks Daddy- it means a lot to have your help!!!
I can honestly say that I have never been more ready to go back to work. Hopefully the doctor's release me on Friday to return to work Monday.
But more importantly than all of that, my testimony has grown so much.
We have had to rely on God during this trail.
I am not working.
Tom is getting as many hours as possible, but it still isn't enough.
We have so many people praying for me, that it is as though I can feel each one.
I have never been happier than I am right now.
I feel like everything is ok- even when I know I have never been more sick than I am right now.
Tom and I feel so blessed to have God's mercy being granted to us everyday.
I wanted to share this story with you all. It has changed my life. This sickness has made me depend on my Heavenly Father more than ever before.
With 5 trips to the ER and a hospital stay- along with a CT scan, we knew that the medical bills were going to be more than we could handle. It was by far the biggest stress on both Tom and I. The last visit on Saturday was extremely emotional.
When I got admitted into the hospital Tom and I filed an application with our medical provider to get some financial assistance. We were told it would take a month to be processed and we would be notified by mail. Ok.
So- back to Saturday night after my allergic reaction to the medication..... after I was released we had to go pick up my medication (2 epi-pens (just in case something happened again) and steroids). Now Tom and I literally had just enough to pay tithing, get milk and toilet paper and gas for the rest of the week. When I saw how much it was going to be for the medication (even with insurance, it was expensive) Tom and I would have nothing left. By the grace of God and some help, we have been able to pay our bills and rent for the month, but that was it, we had nothing else to give. I almost started to freak out. I looked at Tom and was almost in tears when the pharmacist said, "It looks like you filed some paperwork." We had been approved for the financial assistance. All of the hospital visits, the medication, the hospital stay, EVERYTHING, was going to be covered. When we got home, there was the letter letting us know we would be covered until January. We immediately prayed and thanked the Lord for once again delivering us.
While this has been the most trying thing I have ever had to deal with, it has also brought Tom and I so much closer. We have also become closer to our Heavenly Father. I am so very grateful for all of the prayers and blessings we have received. I am so very thankful for Tom's amazing family. They have been incredibly generous and selfless. Tom's mom has gone above and beyond the call of mother in law. She has held my hand as they tried to lance my forehead. She has read to me and held me close. I can never repay her for what she has given to me. For what she has done for Tom and I. I also cannot ever thank my father and step-mother enough for all they have done. The calls and the texts as well as helping us with our car has meant so much to both of us. It has really helped make this whole ordeal better. My family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brother and sisters, friends and members of the church have done more for us then we could ever ask for. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
So I just want to say thank you. Thank you for the prayers. For the phone calls. The emails. The texts. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts. It is more than we could ever ask for. We are eternally grateful.
I see the infectious disease doctor at 8:45 am on Friday. I will update this as soon as I know what is going on. <3
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Homesick
It is always about this time of the year- where I find myself homesick.
And even though my home is long gone (my childhood home) and there isn't a place that I can call my home right now (other than my apartment), I crave what life used to be during the holiday season.
I recall one of my favorite childhood memories:
We were going to Salt Lake City for Christmas.
We had to take two cars. We had so much stuff.
So my daddy and I drove in the red jeep wagoner all the way to SLC.
We listened to George Strait tapes.
I feel asleep with my head in his lap.
We talked and had the best time.
I just want to be with my family.
I miss my daddy.
I miss both sets of grandparents.
I miss my brother and sister.
I miss my aunts and uncles.
I miss my friends.
I don't have many here.
And I miss those nights when everyone was together
When I had people to talk to
Hang out with
Enjoy life with.
I guess this is all part of growing up-
But I'd give my right arm right now to have my family close by.
And even though my home is long gone (my childhood home) and there isn't a place that I can call my home right now (other than my apartment), I crave what life used to be during the holiday season.
I recall one of my favorite childhood memories:
We were going to Salt Lake City for Christmas.
We had to take two cars. We had so much stuff.
So my daddy and I drove in the red jeep wagoner all the way to SLC.
We listened to George Strait tapes.
I feel asleep with my head in his lap.
We talked and had the best time.
I just want to be with my family.
I miss my daddy.
I miss both sets of grandparents.
I miss my brother and sister.
I miss my aunts and uncles.
I miss my friends.
I don't have many here.
And I miss those nights when everyone was together
When I had people to talk to
Hang out with
Enjoy life with.
I guess this is all part of growing up-
But I'd give my right arm right now to have my family close by.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My Daddy
Since it is the month of November- I am going to be writing each day- about something I am thankful for. Today it is this man:
My Daddy! The first man in my life. The one who has picked me up a thousand times. Who has loved me unconditionally and who has been my number one fan! I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
Growing up, my dad had to be gone a lot. He sacrificed so much so that he could provide for his family. But when he was home, he was the best dad in the world. I would always cry and beg him not to leave. I never wanted to be without him. I still don't. My eyes are filling with tears now as I write about how amazing my father is. I miss him a lot.
If I become half of the person he is, I will be a wonderful woman. I am proud to be his daughter. I love him with all my heart and won't ever miss the opportunity to tell him that. But in case he wasn't sure, Daddy- I love you. You mean the world to me. And I am so glad that God chose you to be my father. You have done a great job with me and I will make you so very proud of me. Just you wait and see. I love you.
Forever your baby girl,
Moe
My Daddy! The first man in my life. The one who has picked me up a thousand times. Who has loved me unconditionally and who has been my number one fan! I am truly blessed to have him in my life.
Growing up, my dad had to be gone a lot. He sacrificed so much so that he could provide for his family. But when he was home, he was the best dad in the world. I would always cry and beg him not to leave. I never wanted to be without him. I still don't. My eyes are filling with tears now as I write about how amazing my father is. I miss him a lot.
If I become half of the person he is, I will be a wonderful woman. I am proud to be his daughter. I love him with all my heart and won't ever miss the opportunity to tell him that. But in case he wasn't sure, Daddy- I love you. You mean the world to me. And I am so glad that God chose you to be my father. You have done a great job with me and I will make you so very proud of me. Just you wait and see. I love you.
Forever your baby girl,
Moe
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Re:Progress
So-
Here is what I learned today at group.
Feelings and moods are different.
Feelings are like the weather *today it is warm*
Moods are like the climate *it is fall*
Feelings change frequently.
Moods tend to last a while- but shouldn't last forever.
Your feelings are like the waves in the ocean.
They come from no where- last but a brief moment and then disappear.
When I feel something, anything, I need to stop and recognize that feeling.
I am not to become that feeling for that feeling is not me.
Once I know what I am feeling, I need to find out how it got me there.
What was I thinking that made me feel this way?
Does this sound basic?
I feel like I have never learned this before.
Or maybe I did learn and just chose not to utilize it.
I am learning how to not let my feelings control me.
And I feel like this is something I should have learned a long time ago.
Why am I just learning it now?
I told my doctor today about how I feel like I have lost my mother.
He said, "Of course you do, but that is your feeling, which is irrational, and through group you'll learn how to control that."
There will be a lot of groups to come.
I plan on going to 2-3 a week.
I am ready to be better.
I am ready to become the best person I can.
My dear Nina reminded me today that regardless of how I feel about myself, I am still a good person.
I have made mistakes *most of us do*
But I know that the person I once was, is gone.
I am no longer doing things to please everyone else.
I am now focusing on me, and my husband and our eternal family.
I will only be true to myself.
That is all I can do.
Merci ma grandmere pour me dire que je suis magnefic. Je t'aime avec tout mon coeur.
I am really glad she reminded me of that.
Thank you.
Goodnight world- brownies, How to Train a Dragon and my husband are all waiting for me. :)
Here is what I learned today at group.
Feelings and moods are different.
Feelings are like the weather *today it is warm*
Moods are like the climate *it is fall*
Feelings change frequently.
Moods tend to last a while- but shouldn't last forever.
Your feelings are like the waves in the ocean.
They come from no where- last but a brief moment and then disappear.
When I feel something, anything, I need to stop and recognize that feeling.
I am not to become that feeling for that feeling is not me.
Once I know what I am feeling, I need to find out how it got me there.
What was I thinking that made me feel this way?
Does this sound basic?
I feel like I have never learned this before.
Or maybe I did learn and just chose not to utilize it.
I am learning how to not let my feelings control me.
And I feel like this is something I should have learned a long time ago.
Why am I just learning it now?
I told my doctor today about how I feel like I have lost my mother.
He said, "Of course you do, but that is your feeling, which is irrational, and through group you'll learn how to control that."
There will be a lot of groups to come.
I plan on going to 2-3 a week.
I am ready to be better.
I am ready to become the best person I can.
My dear Nina reminded me today that regardless of how I feel about myself, I am still a good person.
I have made mistakes *most of us do*
But I know that the person I once was, is gone.
I am no longer doing things to please everyone else.
I am now focusing on me, and my husband and our eternal family.
I will only be true to myself.
That is all I can do.
Merci ma grandmere pour me dire que je suis magnefic. Je t'aime avec tout mon coeur.
I am really glad she reminded me of that.
Thank you.
Goodnight world- brownies, How to Train a Dragon and my husband are all waiting for me. :)
Progress
I have a meeting with my psychologist today.
And then group.
I have only gone to group one other time, but my doctor is sure it will help me.
I am overwhelmed.
Something that the doctor says is normal.
It is the borderline personality disorder.
My emotions tend to overwhelm me.
And then I am stuck.
Here.
Now it is time to learn how to not let my emotions overwhelm me and take control.
I am not sure if I am ready to face this battle.
However, I know I have to.
It is the only way I am going to get better.
It is the only way I will improve my relationships.
I know this is going to bring up some not-so-good memories.
I know it is going to hurt first and then help later.
I know.
But I still don't feel prepared.
I feel unsure.
I feel alone in this battle *although I know I am not*
Lately, things have been tough.
I will acknowledge that part of it is my own fault.
I chose this road.
And now I must accept the consequences.
As hard as that is to swallow.
The other part.
My mother.
I got a text from her last week.
It went something like this:
Call State Farm about claim. I will call andy and have you removed from my policy. I forgot about it, but since I am no longer apart of your family.
How do I take this?
What mother says that to her own daughter?
In turn, my feelings have been this:
I have lost my mother. *Maybe I never had her*
I feel like I have to grieve her loss.
I am so sad.
And yet, I know that this is my only option.
I have had so many people validate this.
My doctor says that I can't be apart of her sickness.
I have to move on.
Yet, I am stuck.
As always.
How do I just carry on and let go?
I guess that is what I will learn throughout my progress with my doctor.
I have so many people be so supportive.
I am so thankful for those people.
I am so thankful for my amazing husband.
He has stuck by me through all of this.
I can only imagine what I have put him through, but this is what unconditional love is.
And my grandparents *both sets*, my aunt, my sister and brother, my in-laws- and even my dad have all stepped up and showed me that I am not alone in this.
This makes this journey so much easier.
With love, anything is possible.
And with that, I am going to head out to my appointment.
I will provide further details of how it goes.
Thank you everyone for being there.
You will never know how much it means to me.
XOXO
And then group.
I have only gone to group one other time, but my doctor is sure it will help me.
I am overwhelmed.
Something that the doctor says is normal.
It is the borderline personality disorder.
My emotions tend to overwhelm me.
And then I am stuck.
Here.
Now it is time to learn how to not let my emotions overwhelm me and take control.
I am not sure if I am ready to face this battle.
However, I know I have to.
It is the only way I am going to get better.
It is the only way I will improve my relationships.
I know this is going to bring up some not-so-good memories.
I know it is going to hurt first and then help later.
I know.
But I still don't feel prepared.
I feel unsure.
I feel alone in this battle *although I know I am not*
Lately, things have been tough.
I will acknowledge that part of it is my own fault.
I chose this road.
And now I must accept the consequences.
As hard as that is to swallow.
The other part.
My mother.
I got a text from her last week.
It went something like this:
Call State Farm about claim. I will call andy and have you removed from my policy. I forgot about it, but since I am no longer apart of your family.
How do I take this?
What mother says that to her own daughter?
In turn, my feelings have been this:
I have lost my mother. *Maybe I never had her*
I feel like I have to grieve her loss.
I am so sad.
And yet, I know that this is my only option.
I have had so many people validate this.
My doctor says that I can't be apart of her sickness.
I have to move on.
Yet, I am stuck.
As always.
How do I just carry on and let go?
I guess that is what I will learn throughout my progress with my doctor.
I have so many people be so supportive.
I am so thankful for those people.
I am so thankful for my amazing husband.
He has stuck by me through all of this.
I can only imagine what I have put him through, but this is what unconditional love is.
And my grandparents *both sets*, my aunt, my sister and brother, my in-laws- and even my dad have all stepped up and showed me that I am not alone in this.
This makes this journey so much easier.
With love, anything is possible.
And with that, I am going to head out to my appointment.
I will provide further details of how it goes.
Thank you everyone for being there.
You will never know how much it means to me.
XOXO
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Update Time
It has been a long time since I updated this thing.
Things have been crazy busy (3 weddings this summer out of state), lots of work, church and family fun.
I am working all the time :) but I love my job.
Tom is going to school and loving it (minus the homework part).
We traveled a lot this summer. Loved every moment- but we are so glad to be home. :)
In the meantime, we are getting ready for the holidays and we are excited that fall has finally arrived. The Holidays started off with a visit from the most adorable little boy in the whole world, Logan Jay.
His mommy (Stacy) and him came up from Nevada just for the weekend and on Sunday, we all came together at Grandma and Grandpa Taylor's house for a night full of Halloween fun, (which pretty much included eating, talking and holding Logan). It was such a good night.
Uncle Charlie and the three grandkids (McKenna, Brooklyn and Logan)
October 10, 2010
My best friend in the whole world married the man of her dreams, Jeremy. I really felt it was such a blessing to be able to go to Portland and be apart of her special day.
If it wasn't for my dear cousin Gena and her generosity, Tom and I would have never been able to make it.
It was our first time ever being in Oregon and we fell in love.
We first went to Bend and spent 2 nights and 1 day there with Gena and her husband Robert. We got to see the city of Bend and meet some of her family and friends. It was amazing and is a contender in figuring out where we want to raise our family (once we have one and no, there is no news on that front :))
That Sunday morning, we got up and we drove to Portland, we checked in early to our free hotel room (thank you sooooo much Gena) and then I went to spend the rest of the day with my bestie until the wedding.
The wedding was beautiful. It was in the Lan Su Gardens of Portland. Becca looked amazing and Jer was so handsome. It was hard to not fill up with tears and they exchanged their vows and I knew that I would have to share her with someone else forever :) I just know there is no one else I'd rather share with.
In September, Tom and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary, camping at Lake Oroville with Tom's parents, his little sister and little brother. We had an awesome time and enjoyed just getting away from the real world for a while. I can't believe I have been married for 2 years. It just seems like yesterday we met and fell in love. It only gets better, the longer we are together. I can't wait for the next 50 years.
In August, we drove to Wyoming from California for my seester's wedding. It was a good drive, with a stop in Salt Lake both to and from. Jenn's wedding was amazing and it was soooo good to see her with the love of her life. I got to spend quite a bit of time with Molly and with my nieces. I also got to spend time with my Godfather and his beautiful wife Joyce. On the way back, Tom and I spent two days in Salt Lake and it makes me miss it. Having the ability to see my grandparents whenever would be such a blessing. I also got to spend a few hours with my beautiful friend Aubrie, her handsome husband Hayden and her most adorable baby Jackson. The trip was much needed. It was good to go home and be with my family. I can't wait until the next trip out there (although Tom can)!!!!
Thats the update for now. Titan is getting HUGE! He was neutered a week ago (thanks Nina and Grandpa for helping with that) and has not calm downed one bit. We love him so much and he fits perfectly into our family.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
<3 Cass
Things have been crazy busy (3 weddings this summer out of state), lots of work, church and family fun.
I am working all the time :) but I love my job.
Tom is going to school and loving it (minus the homework part).
We traveled a lot this summer. Loved every moment- but we are so glad to be home. :)
In the meantime, we are getting ready for the holidays and we are excited that fall has finally arrived. The Holidays started off with a visit from the most adorable little boy in the whole world, Logan Jay.
His mommy (Stacy) and him came up from Nevada just for the weekend and on Sunday, we all came together at Grandma and Grandpa Taylor's house for a night full of Halloween fun, (which pretty much included eating, talking and holding Logan). It was such a good night.
Uncle Charlie and the three grandkids (McKenna, Brooklyn and Logan)
October 10, 2010
My best friend in the whole world married the man of her dreams, Jeremy. I really felt it was such a blessing to be able to go to Portland and be apart of her special day.
If it wasn't for my dear cousin Gena and her generosity, Tom and I would have never been able to make it.
It was our first time ever being in Oregon and we fell in love.
We first went to Bend and spent 2 nights and 1 day there with Gena and her husband Robert. We got to see the city of Bend and meet some of her family and friends. It was amazing and is a contender in figuring out where we want to raise our family (once we have one and no, there is no news on that front :))
That Sunday morning, we got up and we drove to Portland, we checked in early to our free hotel room (thank you sooooo much Gena) and then I went to spend the rest of the day with my bestie until the wedding.
The wedding was beautiful. It was in the Lan Su Gardens of Portland. Becca looked amazing and Jer was so handsome. It was hard to not fill up with tears and they exchanged their vows and I knew that I would have to share her with someone else forever :) I just know there is no one else I'd rather share with.
In September, Tom and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary, camping at Lake Oroville with Tom's parents, his little sister and little brother. We had an awesome time and enjoyed just getting away from the real world for a while. I can't believe I have been married for 2 years. It just seems like yesterday we met and fell in love. It only gets better, the longer we are together. I can't wait for the next 50 years.
In August, we drove to Wyoming from California for my seester's wedding. It was a good drive, with a stop in Salt Lake both to and from. Jenn's wedding was amazing and it was soooo good to see her with the love of her life. I got to spend quite a bit of time with Molly and with my nieces. I also got to spend time with my Godfather and his beautiful wife Joyce. On the way back, Tom and I spent two days in Salt Lake and it makes me miss it. Having the ability to see my grandparents whenever would be such a blessing. I also got to spend a few hours with my beautiful friend Aubrie, her handsome husband Hayden and her most adorable baby Jackson. The trip was much needed. It was good to go home and be with my family. I can't wait until the next trip out there (although Tom can)!!!!
Thats the update for now. Titan is getting HUGE! He was neutered a week ago (thanks Nina and Grandpa for helping with that) and has not calm downed one bit. We love him so much and he fits perfectly into our family.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
<3 Cass
Saturday, September 11, 2010
How in the world.....
did I get so lucky to have my husband as my companion for time and all eternity???
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
2 years later
Yesterday Tom and I celebrated 2 years of marriage. We went camping with my in-laws up north at Lake Oroville. It was awesome! We had such a great time and it was great to get away.
I love this time of the year. The weather is slowly turning into fall and we celebrate (or I do at least) our love and how far we have come.
Septemeber 3, 2007- Thomas and I had our first date. He kissed me. He asked me to be his girlfriend... little did I know.
September 6, 2008- We are married in Petaluma.
September 4, 2009- We recieve our endowments.
September 5, 2009- We are sealed for time and all eternity.
I love this man with all my heart. He is my life. I am so glad we are in this life together.
Can't wait for the next 50 years baby.
I love this time of the year. The weather is slowly turning into fall and we celebrate (or I do at least) our love and how far we have come.
Septemeber 3, 2007- Thomas and I had our first date. He kissed me. He asked me to be his girlfriend... little did I know.
September 6, 2008- We are married in Petaluma.
September 4, 2009- We recieve our endowments.
September 5, 2009- We are sealed for time and all eternity.
I love this man with all my heart. He is my life. I am so glad we are in this life together.
Can't wait for the next 50 years baby.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Definitions of Mothers
As I examine my relationship with my mother- I am quite curious what makes a mother a mom.
At this time, my mother and I are not talking. I have found it difficult to even call her my mother. Maybe it is because my definition of mother is different from those around me, or maybe it is because I don't believe that she represents what a mother is to me.
Webster's Dictionary defines mother as
"a (1) : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman
2: source, origin
3: maternal tenderness or affection
4: something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale
— moth·er·hood\-ˌhu̇d\ noun
— moth·er·less\-ləs\ adjective
— moth·er·less·ness noun
Origin of MOTHER
Middle English moder, from Old English mōdor; akin to Old High German muoter mother, Latin mater, Greek mētēr, Sanskrit mātṛ
First Known Use: before 12th century
Such a simple definition for a job that is so big. Could we get a little but more in depth? Is there a difference between a mother and a mom? What is the definition of a good mom?
For the last 26 years, I have been trying so hard to find a relationship with my mother. We've had our ups and downs, we've had our struggles, we've had our good times, and we've had our not-so-great times. But when it all came down to it, I found myself doing anything it took to have my mother pay attention to me, to love me uncondtionally, and to be the kind of mother that I could come to when things got tough for me. I thought that maybe after 26 years, we had finally reached a middle ground. I was wrong. At a time in my life where I needed my mom the most, and just needed her to be there- to tell me it would all be ok- that we all make mistakes and that I could redeem myself and I WOULD redeem myself. Instead, I realize that the relationship I crave with my own mother, I have recieved elsewhere, since my mother doesn't know how to give me, as her child, what I want and need. I don't think she even knows me anymore. She knows me as how I used to be, but she doesn't seem to recognize the changes I have made within myself. For example: 4 years ago, I would have never fessed up to making a mistake. I would have said, "Nope, I didn't do it." Or even acknowledge that I did something wrong. But my heart has changed. I no longer yearn to be that person. And while I made an awful mistake that had many reasons behind it, I didn't hide from it, I didn't lie about it and I made right by accepting my consequences. The old me would have never done that.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes big- others small. But I am determined to be the best person I can be. And right now in my life, that can't include people who are negative, who make everything about themselves, and who don't want to help me become better.
I have been blessed to have many women in my life to help fill the void I have felt where my mother wasn't. My two wonderful sisters, my two amazing grandmothers, my mother-in-law and my dearest Aunt Fritzi. Between these woman, I have learned about love, health, happiness, managing money, faith, hope, kindness, understanding and unconditional love. I have never been more proud to be related to this ladies in my life.
And maybe it is because biologically, this woman gave birth to me, held me for the first few years of my life, that I feel like I should have this undeniable bond- but maybe now- now I can say that I have those bonds and I can finally stop trying and failing and breaking my heart everytime it doesn't go the way I want it to with my own mother.
I want to go deeper. I want to explain why I feel the way I feel and what has gotten me to this point, but that might be for another blog. Or maybe it something I still need to hash out in my own head. I am not angry anymore. I can't carry that around. It created too much havic in my life before. And I don't like being angry. I am simply accepting that this is what it is. Neither one of us has made an attempt to speak with the other for almost two weeks now, and I don't forsee us talking anytime soon. Maybe we are both just bad for each other.
What are your definitions of mother? Is MOM different? How are your relationships with your mother? Maybe that would help me with my defination.
At this time, my mother and I are not talking. I have found it difficult to even call her my mother. Maybe it is because my definition of mother is different from those around me, or maybe it is because I don't believe that she represents what a mother is to me.
Webster's Dictionary defines mother as
"a (1) : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman
2: source, origin
3: maternal tenderness or affection
4: something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale
— moth·er·hood\-ˌhu̇d\ noun
— moth·er·less\-ləs\ adjective
— moth·er·less·ness noun
Origin of MOTHER
Middle English moder, from Old English mōdor; akin to Old High German muoter mother, Latin mater, Greek mētēr, Sanskrit mātṛ
First Known Use: before 12th century
Such a simple definition for a job that is so big. Could we get a little but more in depth? Is there a difference between a mother and a mom? What is the definition of a good mom?
For the last 26 years, I have been trying so hard to find a relationship with my mother. We've had our ups and downs, we've had our struggles, we've had our good times, and we've had our not-so-great times. But when it all came down to it, I found myself doing anything it took to have my mother pay attention to me, to love me uncondtionally, and to be the kind of mother that I could come to when things got tough for me. I thought that maybe after 26 years, we had finally reached a middle ground. I was wrong. At a time in my life where I needed my mom the most, and just needed her to be there- to tell me it would all be ok- that we all make mistakes and that I could redeem myself and I WOULD redeem myself. Instead, I realize that the relationship I crave with my own mother, I have recieved elsewhere, since my mother doesn't know how to give me, as her child, what I want and need. I don't think she even knows me anymore. She knows me as how I used to be, but she doesn't seem to recognize the changes I have made within myself. For example: 4 years ago, I would have never fessed up to making a mistake. I would have said, "Nope, I didn't do it." Or even acknowledge that I did something wrong. But my heart has changed. I no longer yearn to be that person. And while I made an awful mistake that had many reasons behind it, I didn't hide from it, I didn't lie about it and I made right by accepting my consequences. The old me would have never done that.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes big- others small. But I am determined to be the best person I can be. And right now in my life, that can't include people who are negative, who make everything about themselves, and who don't want to help me become better.
I have been blessed to have many women in my life to help fill the void I have felt where my mother wasn't. My two wonderful sisters, my two amazing grandmothers, my mother-in-law and my dearest Aunt Fritzi. Between these woman, I have learned about love, health, happiness, managing money, faith, hope, kindness, understanding and unconditional love. I have never been more proud to be related to this ladies in my life.
And maybe it is because biologically, this woman gave birth to me, held me for the first few years of my life, that I feel like I should have this undeniable bond- but maybe now- now I can say that I have those bonds and I can finally stop trying and failing and breaking my heart everytime it doesn't go the way I want it to with my own mother.
I want to go deeper. I want to explain why I feel the way I feel and what has gotten me to this point, but that might be for another blog. Or maybe it something I still need to hash out in my own head. I am not angry anymore. I can't carry that around. It created too much havic in my life before. And I don't like being angry. I am simply accepting that this is what it is. Neither one of us has made an attempt to speak with the other for almost two weeks now, and I don't forsee us talking anytime soon. Maybe we are both just bad for each other.
What are your definitions of mother? Is MOM different? How are your relationships with your mother? Maybe that would help me with my defination.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
My Myia....
Two days ago, I recieved an email from my grandmother.
It brought tears to my eyes.
I truly admire this woman and all that she is.
She has been with my grandfather for over 50 years.
Together, the created a beautiful family.
Together, they showed me how to love, how to be honest, how to make a marriage work.
I once asked my grandmother how she kept her marriage together for so long. Her response: " I learn something new about him everyday."
I think that is the most beautiful thing ever.
I wanted to share part of them email she wrote.
It is a very personal but the poem she put in there is amazing.
I love my Myia. I love her so much. She has always been there for me. She has never given up on me. And I am proud to be called her granddaughter. I love you Joan Joslyn. You are my hero.
"I think of you so often - especially when I read from my favorite books of poetry written by a lady from Denver, Helen Lowrie Marshall, who I met in the early 1960's. I was present at two of her "book readings" and in the next few years I collected five of her little books. I have kept them close at hand and often referred to them when I needed a bit of spiritual inspiration. She was a very lovely woman - not only on the outside - but definitely on the inside - a beautiful Christian believer. I would like to share her messages with you each time I come across one that speaks to me of you.
"You're Wonderful"
You're wonderful! Oh yes you are,
And not alone to me,
For wonderful it surely is
That one should even be!
A living breathing, feeling, thinking,
Laughing love you -
Could there be anything more purely
Wonderful come true?
Oh yes, you're wonderful - and I
And all men everywhere
Who, in this awesome thing call life,
Have been allowed to share.
Blest with a heart and mind and soul
And store of memory -
There's no more wondrous thing on earth
Than you, my grandchild, and me.
Hopefully, this will let you know how much I care and that you truly are most precious to me and to your grandfather. May God bless you and keep you safe, healthy and happy!"
P.S. She also takes the most beautiful pictures of me AND cooks the most amazing meals. I wish I could see her more and be in her life more. I just hope she knows how much I truly do love her and my dear grandfather.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Infertility
Since Tom and I got married (it'll be two years on September 6th), we have been trying to start a family. And so far, it hasn't worked. We've had three miscarriages, 2 chemical pregnancies (where the egg is fertilized but the egg doesn't attach to the uterus and 1 miscarriage in June. I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. It has been the most difficult challenge I have ever had to face in my life.
At this time, Tom and I have decided to quit trying. I have put myself back on birth control for at least 6 months to a year and then we will try again. If we still don't get pregnant within 3-6 months after getting off birth control, we will start infertility treatments. I am so scared to go down that road, as my sister, Molly, had to go down that road and she hasn't said too many great things about it.
I wish there were more people who understood the pain that takes place when they are unable to conceive a child. Hope has becoming my worst enemy, but my only saving grace. I have wanted nothing more in my life than to be a mommy. I see a lot of my friends get pregnant, have children and LOVE it. It is just soooo hard to put a smile on your face and not feeling hurt, anger and jealousy for your friends. And it isn't their fault- you wouldn't want them going through this either. I just wonder when it will be my turn.
I found this on a blog that really touched me. I think it is great advice.
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Tom and I have both discussed adoption, but its too early for that. We have discussed never having children and that is just not an option. We want a family. A small family, but a family. But for now, we will wait. Pray. And give it to God. He is the One that makes the final decision.
At this time, Tom and I have decided to quit trying. I have put myself back on birth control for at least 6 months to a year and then we will try again. If we still don't get pregnant within 3-6 months after getting off birth control, we will start infertility treatments. I am so scared to go down that road, as my sister, Molly, had to go down that road and she hasn't said too many great things about it.
I wish there were more people who understood the pain that takes place when they are unable to conceive a child. Hope has becoming my worst enemy, but my only saving grace. I have wanted nothing more in my life than to be a mommy. I see a lot of my friends get pregnant, have children and LOVE it. It is just soooo hard to put a smile on your face and not feeling hurt, anger and jealousy for your friends. And it isn't their fault- you wouldn't want them going through this either. I just wonder when it will be my turn.
I found this on a blog that really touched me. I think it is great advice.
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Tom and I have both discussed adoption, but its too early for that. We have discussed never having children and that is just not an option. We want a family. A small family, but a family. But for now, we will wait. Pray. And give it to God. He is the One that makes the final decision.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
My Conversion Story
Growing up, I spent 3 or 4 summers with my grandparents in Salt Lake. During this time in my life, I was starting to struggle with quite a few aspects of my teenage life and my Nina made it clear that while I was staying there I had to go to church. Now it didn't matter which church I went to, she would go with me, but I had to go. She knew I needed God in my life. So I went to her church with grandpa. They are Latter Day Saints (aka Mormons). I investigated the church until I was about 15 and then left for selfish reasons and started to really head down the wrong path in my life.
My teenage years were full of anguish for me. Turmoil. Sadness. And just trying to belong. How much different my life would have been had I continued to investigate the church and make the right decisions in my life? My mom would not let me get baptized until I was 18 and by that time, I was so far away from God- I didn't even know where to look.
After a very unhealthy relationship, and broken relationships with my grandparents, and my self image being torn down to the very last shred, I was at rock bottom. I was drinking often, smoking pot and just trying to forget my past and the pain I was feeling. The pain stemmed from long ago and just grew to be anger- against myself and against those who I thought should have been there, but weren't. I pitted family members against themselves and hurt those I loved the most by my actions. At one point, my grandfather told me that I had no integrity.
Then I met my husband. And his family. Each of them carrying a light that was so bright- and I wanted it. As Tom and I got more serious (3 weeks into our relationship haha) I decided we needed to go to church- any church. I knew I needed God in my life and so I decided to start with the LDS church (Tom was inactive at the time). We found a ward (it wasn't in our area- we just went) and the talk was on happiness and that the only way to get there was to follow the Gospel and to be obedient. The moment sacrament was over, I called the missionaries. They hopped on their bikes and rode directly to my house to give me Book of Mormon and to set up our first missionary discussion. I knew this was the answer to my prayers. On October 31st, I took my first discussion. Soon after, I called my grandparents, who once had been so close to me, and whom I hadn't spoken with in over two years, to forgive me. I told them I was joining the church and that I wanted my grandfather to baptize me. They made the trek out here and on December 11th (the same day my sister was baptized in the church) I became a member. And my heart was full. I felt forgiven for all of my past mistakes and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. And I had the best missionaries ever! The "Bickersons" is what we called them. And I am so glad that one of them was able to be there for our sealing. What a treat for him! I miss them so- but am glad that we are able to keep in touch even with the seas parting us! Thanks Elders for all you did for me. You changed my life. I love you! ALL 4 of you!
For the next year, Tom and I worked hard together to prepare ourselves for being sealed in the Temple. A year after we were married, we were sealed together for time and all eternity and it was the most beautiful experience in my life. Going to the Temple brings such peace and comfort to me. I know that here, God is taking me in His arms and hugging me so tightly. I finally had the light.
But don't get me wrong. It has been a tough road. I still have a tough time with saying no to temptation. I still fumble and fall- but that is what is so great about the Atonement. It allows us to be human and make mistakes. Right now, I am fixing some mistakes I have made. Mistakes that were unbecoming of a church member. And this will be a long road. But a road I am willing to travel with my whole heart, because I know this is where I belong.
Two weeks ago, Tom and I were in SLC, and we were walking on Temple Square. The moment I walked onto the Square, I felt such peace. It was exactly what I needed. God reminded me how much I need Him and He put His arms around me and squeezed. I felt like all my burdens had been lifted off my shoulder. The next few months to a year are going to be full of challenges. Satan is going to try his best to defeat me because he knows my weaknesses. Thankfully I have the most amazing husband in the world, two amazing grandparents that guide me and a wonderful family that will help me get back on the right track and stay there.
Last night, as I was driving to my in-laws for dinner- I decided to listen to one of the conference talks. And it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Man, I love how God speaks to us. It can be so subtle or it can be a loud scream in our ear. This was a loud whisper into my ear:
“Repent . . . That I May Heal You”
Elder Neil L. Andersen
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
My brothers and sisters, it has been six months since my call to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. To now serve with men who have long been my examples and teachers remains a very humbling experience. I deeply appreciate your prayers and sustaining vote. For me, this has been a time of fervent prayer, of earnestly seeking the acceptance of the Lord. I have felt His love in sacred and unforgettable ways. I testify that He lives and that this is His holy work.
We love President Thomas S. Monson, the Lord’s prophet. I will forever remember his kindness as he extended my call last April. At the conclusion of our interview, he opened his arms to embrace me. President Monson is a tall man. As he wrapped his long arms around me and pulled me close, I felt like a little boy being held in the protective arms of a loving father.
In the months since that experience, I have thought of the Lord’s invitation to come unto Him and to spiritually be wrapped in His arms. He said, “Behold, [my arms] of mercy [are] extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.”1
The scriptures speak of His arms being open,2 extended,3 stretched out,4 and encircling.5 They are described as mighty6 and holy,7 arms of mercy,8 arms of safety,9 arms of love,10 “lengthened out all the day long.”11
We have each felt to some extent these spiritual arms around us. We have felt His forgiveness, His love and comfort. The Lord has said, “I am he [who] comforteth you.”12
The Lord’s desire that we come unto Him and be wrapped in His arms is often an invitation to repent. “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you.”13
When we sin, we turn away from God. When we repent, we turn back toward God.
The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God.14 It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel.
Among the tens of thousands listening to this conference, there are many degrees of personal worthiness and righteousness. Yet repentance is a blessing to all of us. We each need to feel the Savior’s arms of mercy through the forgiveness of our sins.
Years ago, I was asked to meet with a man who, long before our visit, had had a period of riotous living. As a result of his bad choices, he lost his membership in the Church. He had long since returned to the Church and was faithfully keeping the commandments, but his previous actions haunted him. Meeting with him, I felt his shame and his deep remorse at having set his covenants aside. Following our interview, I placed my hands upon his head to give him a priesthood blessing. Before speaking a word, I felt an overpowering sense of the Savior’s love and forgiveness for him. Following the blessing, we embraced and the man wept openly.
I am amazed at the Savior’s encircling arms of mercy and love for the repentant, no matter how selfish the forsaken sin. I testify that the Savior is able and eager to forgive our sins. Except for the sins of those few who choose perdition after having known a fulness, there is no sin that cannot be forgiven.15 What a marvelous privilege for each of us to turn away from our sins and to come unto Christ. Divine forgiveness is one of the sweetest fruits of the gospel, removing guilt and pain from our hearts and replacing them with joy and peace of conscience. Jesus declares, “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”16
Some listening today may need “a mighty change [of] heart”17 to confront serious sins. The help of a priesthood leader might be necessary. For most, repenting is quiet and quite private, daily seeking the Lord’s help to make needed changes.
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.”18 Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God.
How do we decide where our repentance should be focused? When a loved one or friend suggests things we need to change, the natural man in us sometimes pops up his head and responds, “Oh, you think I should change? Well, let me tell you about some of your problems.” A better approach is to humbly petition the Lord: “Father, what wouldst Thou have me do?” The answers come. We feel the changes we need to make. The Lord tells us in our mind and in our heart.19
We then are allowed to choose: will we repent, or will we pull the shades down over our open window into heaven?
Alma warned, “Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point.”20 When we “pull the shades down,” we stop believing that spiritual voice inviting us to change. We pray but we listen less. Our prayers lack that faith that leads to repentance.21
At this very moment, someone is saying, “Brother Andersen, you don’t understand. You can’t feel what I have felt. It is too difficult to change.”
You are correct; I don’t fully understand. But there is One who does. He knows. He has felt your pain. He has declared, “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.”22 The Savior is there, reaching out to each of us, bidding us: “Come unto me.”23 We can repent. We can!
Realizing where we need to change, we sorrow for the sadness we have caused. This leads to sincere and heartfelt confession to the Lord and, when needed, to others.24 When possible, we restore what we have wrongly harmed or taken.
Repentance becomes part of our daily lives. Our weekly taking of the sacrament is so important—to come meekly, humbly before the Lord, acknowledging our dependence upon Him, asking Him to forgive and to renew us, and promising to always remember Him.
Sometimes in our repentance, in our daily efforts to become more Christlike, we find ourselves repeatedly struggling with the same difficulties. As if we were climbing a tree-covered mountain, at times we don’t see our progress until we get closer to the top and look back from the high ridges. Don’t be discouraged. If you are striving and working to repent, you are in the process of repenting.
As we improve, we see life more clearly and feel the Holy Ghost working more strongly within us.
Sometimes we wonder why we remember our sins long after we have forsaken them. Why does the sadness for our mistakes at times continue following our repentance?
You will remember a tender story told by President James E. Faust. “As a small boy on the farm . . . , I remember my grandmother . . . cooking our delicious meals on a hot woodstove. When the wood box next to the stove became empty, Grandmother would silently pick up the box, go out to refill it from the pile of cedar wood outside, and bring the heavily laden box back into the house.”
President Faust’s voice then filled with emotion as he continued: “I was so insensitive . . . I sat there and let my beloved grandmother refill the kitchen wood box. I feel ashamed of myself and have regretted my [sin of] omission for all of my life. I hope someday to ask for her forgiveness.”25
More than 65 years had passed. If President Faust still remembered and regretted not helping his grandmother after all those years, should we be surprised with some of the things we still remember and regret?
The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget.26
The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the Lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory.27 It is a vital part of our mortal learning.
As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. With time, we will feel the anguish of our sorrow subside, taking “away the guilt from our hearts”28 and bringing “peace of conscience.”29
For those who are truly repentant but seem unable to feel relief: continue keeping the commandments. I promise you, relief will come in the timetable of the Lord. Healing also requires time.
If you are concerned, counsel with your bishop. A bishop has the power of discernment.30 He will help you.
The scriptures warn us, “Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance.”31 But, in this life, it is never too late to repent.
Once I was asked to meet an older couple returning to the Church. They had been taught the gospel by their parents. After their marriage, they left the Church. Now, 50 years later, they were returning. I remember the husband coming into the office pulling an oxygen tank. They expressed regret at not having remained faithful. I told them of our happiness because of their return, assuring them of the Lord’s welcoming arms to those who repent. The elderly man responded, “We know this, Brother Andersen. But our sadness is that our children and grandchildren do not have the blessings of the gospel. We are back, but we are back alone.”
They were not back alone. Repentance not only changes us, but it also blesses our families and those we love. With our righteous repentance, in the timetable of the Lord, the lengthened-out arms of the Savior will not only encircle us but will also extend into the lives of our children and posterity. Repentance always means that there is greater happiness ahead.
I bear witness that our Savior can deliver us from our sins. I have personally felt His redeeming power. I have unmistakably seen His healing hand upon thousands in nations throughout the world. I testify that His divine gift removes guilt from our heart and brings peace to our conscience.
He loves us. We are members of His Church. He invites each of us to repent, turn away from our sins, and come unto Him. I witness that He is there in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
This talk was amazing. It brought tears to my eyes quite often throughout the talk. We are so blessed to have these men leading our Church, being the mouth of God. It truly is such a blessing.
If there is one word of advice I can give to BIC members, it is to really try and befriend those who are converts. It is really important for them to have the fellowship and to be around those who have good morals and values. I know that this is one of the reason I have been frustrated with the Church in the past. Tom and I are the youngest couple in our ward and we haven't started a family yet (and not for the lack of trying either) and I feel like we just don't belong sometimes. I was really sick for about a month and wasn't able to attend Church or teach my Sunbeams and no one called me to check in on me. And the next time I met with the Bishop, he told me he had been asked to release me from my calling. This broke my heart for two reasons. I love those kids. Sooooo much. They were the highlight of my week- especially when I was having really tough weeks. And the second part was that no one called to check in on me- they didn't facebook me to ask if I was ok. And that really hurt. I thought of these people as my family. And now my heart is just hurt. Part of my repentance process is to let go of all of that hurt. It isn't about the people- that's not why I go. I go for my salvation. To praise and honor my Heavenly Father. And I need to keep that in perspective.
So that is my conversion story. Kind of long, I know, but it is my story and I am proud of it.
XOXO
My teenage years were full of anguish for me. Turmoil. Sadness. And just trying to belong. How much different my life would have been had I continued to investigate the church and make the right decisions in my life? My mom would not let me get baptized until I was 18 and by that time, I was so far away from God- I didn't even know where to look.
After a very unhealthy relationship, and broken relationships with my grandparents, and my self image being torn down to the very last shred, I was at rock bottom. I was drinking often, smoking pot and just trying to forget my past and the pain I was feeling. The pain stemmed from long ago and just grew to be anger- against myself and against those who I thought should have been there, but weren't. I pitted family members against themselves and hurt those I loved the most by my actions. At one point, my grandfather told me that I had no integrity.
Then I met my husband. And his family. Each of them carrying a light that was so bright- and I wanted it. As Tom and I got more serious (3 weeks into our relationship haha) I decided we needed to go to church- any church. I knew I needed God in my life and so I decided to start with the LDS church (Tom was inactive at the time). We found a ward (it wasn't in our area- we just went) and the talk was on happiness and that the only way to get there was to follow the Gospel and to be obedient. The moment sacrament was over, I called the missionaries. They hopped on their bikes and rode directly to my house to give me Book of Mormon and to set up our first missionary discussion. I knew this was the answer to my prayers. On October 31st, I took my first discussion. Soon after, I called my grandparents, who once had been so close to me, and whom I hadn't spoken with in over two years, to forgive me. I told them I was joining the church and that I wanted my grandfather to baptize me. They made the trek out here and on December 11th (the same day my sister was baptized in the church) I became a member. And my heart was full. I felt forgiven for all of my past mistakes and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. And I had the best missionaries ever! The "Bickersons" is what we called them. And I am so glad that one of them was able to be there for our sealing. What a treat for him! I miss them so- but am glad that we are able to keep in touch even with the seas parting us! Thanks Elders for all you did for me. You changed my life. I love you! ALL 4 of you!
For the next year, Tom and I worked hard together to prepare ourselves for being sealed in the Temple. A year after we were married, we were sealed together for time and all eternity and it was the most beautiful experience in my life. Going to the Temple brings such peace and comfort to me. I know that here, God is taking me in His arms and hugging me so tightly. I finally had the light.
But don't get me wrong. It has been a tough road. I still have a tough time with saying no to temptation. I still fumble and fall- but that is what is so great about the Atonement. It allows us to be human and make mistakes. Right now, I am fixing some mistakes I have made. Mistakes that were unbecoming of a church member. And this will be a long road. But a road I am willing to travel with my whole heart, because I know this is where I belong.
Two weeks ago, Tom and I were in SLC, and we were walking on Temple Square. The moment I walked onto the Square, I felt such peace. It was exactly what I needed. God reminded me how much I need Him and He put His arms around me and squeezed. I felt like all my burdens had been lifted off my shoulder. The next few months to a year are going to be full of challenges. Satan is going to try his best to defeat me because he knows my weaknesses. Thankfully I have the most amazing husband in the world, two amazing grandparents that guide me and a wonderful family that will help me get back on the right track and stay there.
Last night, as I was driving to my in-laws for dinner- I decided to listen to one of the conference talks. And it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Man, I love how God speaks to us. It can be so subtle or it can be a loud scream in our ear. This was a loud whisper into my ear:
“Repent . . . That I May Heal You”
Elder Neil L. Andersen
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
My brothers and sisters, it has been six months since my call to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. To now serve with men who have long been my examples and teachers remains a very humbling experience. I deeply appreciate your prayers and sustaining vote. For me, this has been a time of fervent prayer, of earnestly seeking the acceptance of the Lord. I have felt His love in sacred and unforgettable ways. I testify that He lives and that this is His holy work.
We love President Thomas S. Monson, the Lord’s prophet. I will forever remember his kindness as he extended my call last April. At the conclusion of our interview, he opened his arms to embrace me. President Monson is a tall man. As he wrapped his long arms around me and pulled me close, I felt like a little boy being held in the protective arms of a loving father.
In the months since that experience, I have thought of the Lord’s invitation to come unto Him and to spiritually be wrapped in His arms. He said, “Behold, [my arms] of mercy [are] extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.”1
The scriptures speak of His arms being open,2 extended,3 stretched out,4 and encircling.5 They are described as mighty6 and holy,7 arms of mercy,8 arms of safety,9 arms of love,10 “lengthened out all the day long.”11
We have each felt to some extent these spiritual arms around us. We have felt His forgiveness, His love and comfort. The Lord has said, “I am he [who] comforteth you.”12
The Lord’s desire that we come unto Him and be wrapped in His arms is often an invitation to repent. “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you.”13
When we sin, we turn away from God. When we repent, we turn back toward God.
The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God.14 It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel.
Among the tens of thousands listening to this conference, there are many degrees of personal worthiness and righteousness. Yet repentance is a blessing to all of us. We each need to feel the Savior’s arms of mercy through the forgiveness of our sins.
Years ago, I was asked to meet with a man who, long before our visit, had had a period of riotous living. As a result of his bad choices, he lost his membership in the Church. He had long since returned to the Church and was faithfully keeping the commandments, but his previous actions haunted him. Meeting with him, I felt his shame and his deep remorse at having set his covenants aside. Following our interview, I placed my hands upon his head to give him a priesthood blessing. Before speaking a word, I felt an overpowering sense of the Savior’s love and forgiveness for him. Following the blessing, we embraced and the man wept openly.
I am amazed at the Savior’s encircling arms of mercy and love for the repentant, no matter how selfish the forsaken sin. I testify that the Savior is able and eager to forgive our sins. Except for the sins of those few who choose perdition after having known a fulness, there is no sin that cannot be forgiven.15 What a marvelous privilege for each of us to turn away from our sins and to come unto Christ. Divine forgiveness is one of the sweetest fruits of the gospel, removing guilt and pain from our hearts and replacing them with joy and peace of conscience. Jesus declares, “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”16
Some listening today may need “a mighty change [of] heart”17 to confront serious sins. The help of a priesthood leader might be necessary. For most, repenting is quiet and quite private, daily seeking the Lord’s help to make needed changes.
For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.”18 Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God.
How do we decide where our repentance should be focused? When a loved one or friend suggests things we need to change, the natural man in us sometimes pops up his head and responds, “Oh, you think I should change? Well, let me tell you about some of your problems.” A better approach is to humbly petition the Lord: “Father, what wouldst Thou have me do?” The answers come. We feel the changes we need to make. The Lord tells us in our mind and in our heart.19
We then are allowed to choose: will we repent, or will we pull the shades down over our open window into heaven?
Alma warned, “Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point.”20 When we “pull the shades down,” we stop believing that spiritual voice inviting us to change. We pray but we listen less. Our prayers lack that faith that leads to repentance.21
At this very moment, someone is saying, “Brother Andersen, you don’t understand. You can’t feel what I have felt. It is too difficult to change.”
You are correct; I don’t fully understand. But there is One who does. He knows. He has felt your pain. He has declared, “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.”22 The Savior is there, reaching out to each of us, bidding us: “Come unto me.”23 We can repent. We can!
Realizing where we need to change, we sorrow for the sadness we have caused. This leads to sincere and heartfelt confession to the Lord and, when needed, to others.24 When possible, we restore what we have wrongly harmed or taken.
Repentance becomes part of our daily lives. Our weekly taking of the sacrament is so important—to come meekly, humbly before the Lord, acknowledging our dependence upon Him, asking Him to forgive and to renew us, and promising to always remember Him.
Sometimes in our repentance, in our daily efforts to become more Christlike, we find ourselves repeatedly struggling with the same difficulties. As if we were climbing a tree-covered mountain, at times we don’t see our progress until we get closer to the top and look back from the high ridges. Don’t be discouraged. If you are striving and working to repent, you are in the process of repenting.
As we improve, we see life more clearly and feel the Holy Ghost working more strongly within us.
Sometimes we wonder why we remember our sins long after we have forsaken them. Why does the sadness for our mistakes at times continue following our repentance?
You will remember a tender story told by President James E. Faust. “As a small boy on the farm . . . , I remember my grandmother . . . cooking our delicious meals on a hot woodstove. When the wood box next to the stove became empty, Grandmother would silently pick up the box, go out to refill it from the pile of cedar wood outside, and bring the heavily laden box back into the house.”
President Faust’s voice then filled with emotion as he continued: “I was so insensitive . . . I sat there and let my beloved grandmother refill the kitchen wood box. I feel ashamed of myself and have regretted my [sin of] omission for all of my life. I hope someday to ask for her forgiveness.”25
More than 65 years had passed. If President Faust still remembered and regretted not helping his grandmother after all those years, should we be surprised with some of the things we still remember and regret?
The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget.26
The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the Lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory.27 It is a vital part of our mortal learning.
As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. With time, we will feel the anguish of our sorrow subside, taking “away the guilt from our hearts”28 and bringing “peace of conscience.”29
For those who are truly repentant but seem unable to feel relief: continue keeping the commandments. I promise you, relief will come in the timetable of the Lord. Healing also requires time.
If you are concerned, counsel with your bishop. A bishop has the power of discernment.30 He will help you.
The scriptures warn us, “Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance.”31 But, in this life, it is never too late to repent.
Once I was asked to meet an older couple returning to the Church. They had been taught the gospel by their parents. After their marriage, they left the Church. Now, 50 years later, they were returning. I remember the husband coming into the office pulling an oxygen tank. They expressed regret at not having remained faithful. I told them of our happiness because of their return, assuring them of the Lord’s welcoming arms to those who repent. The elderly man responded, “We know this, Brother Andersen. But our sadness is that our children and grandchildren do not have the blessings of the gospel. We are back, but we are back alone.”
They were not back alone. Repentance not only changes us, but it also blesses our families and those we love. With our righteous repentance, in the timetable of the Lord, the lengthened-out arms of the Savior will not only encircle us but will also extend into the lives of our children and posterity. Repentance always means that there is greater happiness ahead.
I bear witness that our Savior can deliver us from our sins. I have personally felt His redeeming power. I have unmistakably seen His healing hand upon thousands in nations throughout the world. I testify that His divine gift removes guilt from our heart and brings peace to our conscience.
He loves us. We are members of His Church. He invites each of us to repent, turn away from our sins, and come unto Him. I witness that He is there in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
This talk was amazing. It brought tears to my eyes quite often throughout the talk. We are so blessed to have these men leading our Church, being the mouth of God. It truly is such a blessing.
If there is one word of advice I can give to BIC members, it is to really try and befriend those who are converts. It is really important for them to have the fellowship and to be around those who have good morals and values. I know that this is one of the reason I have been frustrated with the Church in the past. Tom and I are the youngest couple in our ward and we haven't started a family yet (and not for the lack of trying either) and I feel like we just don't belong sometimes. I was really sick for about a month and wasn't able to attend Church or teach my Sunbeams and no one called me to check in on me. And the next time I met with the Bishop, he told me he had been asked to release me from my calling. This broke my heart for two reasons. I love those kids. Sooooo much. They were the highlight of my week- especially when I was having really tough weeks. And the second part was that no one called to check in on me- they didn't facebook me to ask if I was ok. And that really hurt. I thought of these people as my family. And now my heart is just hurt. Part of my repentance process is to let go of all of that hurt. It isn't about the people- that's not why I go. I go for my salvation. To praise and honor my Heavenly Father. And I need to keep that in perspective.
So that is my conversion story. Kind of long, I know, but it is my story and I am proud of it.
XOXO
Friday, August 27, 2010
Mental disorders
In April, I was diagnoised with bipolar 2 and boaderline personality disorder. I think the toughest thing about being diagnoised with this was the misconception of the two mental disorders. Wedmd.com defines bipolar 2 as: "Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time. However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania. A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives."
And boaderline personality disorder is defined as: "Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including suicidality and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self. Thus, BPD is characterized by pervasive instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and actions, often negatively affecting loved ones, family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity."
I feel so misunderstood sometimes. I feel unable to control my emotions at times. I really try and not let these hinder me and am on medication to help balance my moods, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't use it as a crutch, but some people just need to understand what I am dealing with. I am not making excuses for any of my actions, but maybe people knowing this will help them understand where I am in my life.
I get depressed. And often. I try and look at the postive side of life, but sometimes that is just not possible. I am currently seeing someone who is giving me a lot of perspective on my life and how it needs to be shaped. It has taken me this long to figure out that I needed to see someone. I knew I had clinical depression, but I wasn't aware it was this bad.
I have been told all my life that my emotions are the worst part of me. And maybe that is true. But I have seen the side of not having emotions and it is horrible. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped taking medication in the past. I hate not being able to feel happiness or sadness. These types of medications put you right smack dab in the middle of nothing. You don't feel anything, you are just stagnic. And I hate that. I love my emotions, most of the time. They make me who I am.
I know that most people don't take this seriously and just see me as being emotional or that I over-react to situations. But maybe if people knew about the disorder and how it really truly affects people then there would be more of an understanding and less of a negative conotation to these types of disorders.
I have to thank my husband for being so supportive of me while I learn how to manage this. It has been quite a rollarcoaster. Up and down quite often and moments where I just want to lay in bed and sleep. He understands and doesn't question it and his frustrations are valid. I am trying to get better, but this will be with me for the rest of my life.
I have to rely on my meds and on God to get me through this and sometimes it just isn't enough. Something will trigger my depression and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I find myself just being wrapped up my emotions, unable to get out of it.
Thank you to the rest of you who have been able to deal with me and who don't think negatively of my disorder. I hope this helps inform you on what has been going on in my life for the last few months. I will continue to update you.
Hope all is well with you-
Cass
And boaderline personality disorder is defined as: "Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including suicidality and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self. Thus, BPD is characterized by pervasive instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and actions, often negatively affecting loved ones, family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity."
I feel so misunderstood sometimes. I feel unable to control my emotions at times. I really try and not let these hinder me and am on medication to help balance my moods, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't use it as a crutch, but some people just need to understand what I am dealing with. I am not making excuses for any of my actions, but maybe people knowing this will help them understand where I am in my life.
I get depressed. And often. I try and look at the postive side of life, but sometimes that is just not possible. I am currently seeing someone who is giving me a lot of perspective on my life and how it needs to be shaped. It has taken me this long to figure out that I needed to see someone. I knew I had clinical depression, but I wasn't aware it was this bad.
I have been told all my life that my emotions are the worst part of me. And maybe that is true. But I have seen the side of not having emotions and it is horrible. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped taking medication in the past. I hate not being able to feel happiness or sadness. These types of medications put you right smack dab in the middle of nothing. You don't feel anything, you are just stagnic. And I hate that. I love my emotions, most of the time. They make me who I am.
I know that most people don't take this seriously and just see me as being emotional or that I over-react to situations. But maybe if people knew about the disorder and how it really truly affects people then there would be more of an understanding and less of a negative conotation to these types of disorders.
I have to thank my husband for being so supportive of me while I learn how to manage this. It has been quite a rollarcoaster. Up and down quite often and moments where I just want to lay in bed and sleep. He understands and doesn't question it and his frustrations are valid. I am trying to get better, but this will be with me for the rest of my life.
I have to rely on my meds and on God to get me through this and sometimes it just isn't enough. Something will trigger my depression and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I find myself just being wrapped up my emotions, unable to get out of it.
Thank you to the rest of you who have been able to deal with me and who don't think negatively of my disorder. I hope this helps inform you on what has been going on in my life for the last few months. I will continue to update you.
Hope all is well with you-
Cass
Monday, August 23, 2010
Private
We are going private in t minus 48 hours... Email me your addresses if you'd like to continue reading about our crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautful life. Or you can just comment on here :)
The blog will be changing. It will still update you on our lives, but I am going to also start writing about how my life has changed with being diagnosed with a mental disorder, my current process of repentance and our struggle of not being able to concieve. I'd also like to start reflecting on my journey as a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a journey it has been!
The blog will get deep. I'm not going to sugar coat things for fear of upsetting people, hopefully they will read it with an open mind and know that this is just how I feel- it will not be fact- it will just be me and my thoughts and maybe Tom's if he ever wants to.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Xoxo
Cass
The blog will be changing. It will still update you on our lives, but I am going to also start writing about how my life has changed with being diagnosed with a mental disorder, my current process of repentance and our struggle of not being able to concieve. I'd also like to start reflecting on my journey as a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a journey it has been!
The blog will get deep. I'm not going to sugar coat things for fear of upsetting people, hopefully they will read it with an open mind and know that this is just how I feel- it will not be fact- it will just be me and my thoughts and maybe Tom's if he ever wants to.
Hope all is well with you and yours.
Xoxo
Cass
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
1.) What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
-In my mouth... nachos from our work pot luck :)
2.)Name someone who made you laugh today?
-Well its been a pretty fun day! I love work and the people at work- but the one that has made me laugh the most is Anthony... but I am sure when I get home my husband will make me laugh... more than anyone else has today
3.)How late did you stay up last night and why?
- Um until 10:45 because I was tired and had to work today
4.) Ever been kissed under the fireworks?
- um... I think so?
5.)Which of your friends lives closest to you?
- Besides my beloved, my friends Kristie and Danny. They live like 5 mins from us and I love hanging out with them.
6.) How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
- It makes me miss Bryce... thats how I feel.
7.) When was the last time you cried really hard?
- Um... its been a while... but probably in June when I miscarried.
8.) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
- My moogie! How I miss her!!!
9.) Was yesterday better than today?
- I don't really know. I am in a great mood today and yesterday was my day off and it was spent running around- so its hard to say. I am away from Tom and I am at work- but still in a wonderful mood!!!
10.)Can you live a day without TV?
- Yes- thats what DVR is for :)
11.)Are you upset about anything?
- Not today :)
12.)Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
- I am married so obviously I think they are worth it, but there are some you just gotta let go.
13.)Night out or night in?
- Night in- with my hubby, my kitty and some canoodleing!
14.)What items could you not go without during the day?
- It would be really hard to not have my phone, but if it was needed I could go without it, but I can't go without my husband telling me he loves me. I couldn't take it... at all.
15.) Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
- Tom's aunt Shelly. She has since passed away, but her memory lives on. What an amazing woman she was!
16.)What does the last text message in your inbox say?
- "Probably Tuesday, Can we meet up somewhere?"
17.) Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
- Yes, yes I would!
18.)What do you miss?
- Right now? Home- which is coming in like 14 days :)
19.) What song is stuck in your head?
- None right now. I am just rockin out to Yahoo Music!!!
20.)Someone knocks on your window at 2:00am. Who do you want it to be?
- No one... unless they are dying... because no one needs to wake me up at that hour
21.) Do you want to have grandkids before your 50?
- I would like to have some around then- but first I need to have children in order to have grandchildren right??? Let's not get ahead of ourselves
22.) Name something you have to do tomorrow?
- Work and then home to watch Burn Notice with my honey!!!
-In my mouth... nachos from our work pot luck :)
2.)Name someone who made you laugh today?
-Well its been a pretty fun day! I love work and the people at work- but the one that has made me laugh the most is Anthony... but I am sure when I get home my husband will make me laugh... more than anyone else has today
3.)How late did you stay up last night and why?
- Um until 10:45 because I was tired and had to work today
4.) Ever been kissed under the fireworks?
- um... I think so?
5.)Which of your friends lives closest to you?
- Besides my beloved, my friends Kristie and Danny. They live like 5 mins from us and I love hanging out with them.
6.) How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
- It makes me miss Bryce... thats how I feel.
7.) When was the last time you cried really hard?
- Um... its been a while... but probably in June when I miscarried.
8.) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
- My moogie! How I miss her!!!
9.) Was yesterday better than today?
- I don't really know. I am in a great mood today and yesterday was my day off and it was spent running around- so its hard to say. I am away from Tom and I am at work- but still in a wonderful mood!!!
10.)Can you live a day without TV?
- Yes- thats what DVR is for :)
11.)Are you upset about anything?
- Not today :)
12.)Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
- I am married so obviously I think they are worth it, but there are some you just gotta let go.
13.)Night out or night in?
- Night in- with my hubby, my kitty and some canoodleing!
14.)What items could you not go without during the day?
- It would be really hard to not have my phone, but if it was needed I could go without it, but I can't go without my husband telling me he loves me. I couldn't take it... at all.
15.) Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
- Tom's aunt Shelly. She has since passed away, but her memory lives on. What an amazing woman she was!
16.)What does the last text message in your inbox say?
- "Probably Tuesday, Can we meet up somewhere?"
17.) Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
- Yes, yes I would!
18.)What do you miss?
- Right now? Home- which is coming in like 14 days :)
19.) What song is stuck in your head?
- None right now. I am just rockin out to Yahoo Music!!!
20.)Someone knocks on your window at 2:00am. Who do you want it to be?
- No one... unless they are dying... because no one needs to wake me up at that hour
21.) Do you want to have grandkids before your 50?
- I would like to have some around then- but first I need to have children in order to have grandchildren right??? Let's not get ahead of ourselves
22.) Name something you have to do tomorrow?
- Work and then home to watch Burn Notice with my honey!!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Never too late....
I can't believe how long it has been since I posted last. I guess time just got away from me.
Tom and I have now lived in our apartment for almost 3 months and it is amazing. We are enjoying every moment of it. It is nice to just have our own place where we can be together... just the two of us. Soon I will make a video so y'all can see what a great place we have. I love looking out our balcony and seeing the water. It is such a peaceful feeling. This weekend we saw a barge going across the Delta, it filled up our entire balcony window. It was huge!!!!
Titan is getting huge!!!! His personality is awesome and he is just becoming a wonderful cat. He is beautiful!!!
We've had quite an adventurous summer already. It started out with a ten hour drive to St. George, Utah to be reunited with my bestie. We took off at 6pm and got in at about 4am. The drive was great and Tom and I spent some quality time together. Ebba and I went wedding dress shopping and spent time starting to plan her October wedding in Portland. We went swimming and enjoyed having each other around. She is such an important part of my life. I would be lost without her.
On Sunday, we drove from St. George to Las Vegas to watch our nephew be blessed. Tom was able to be apart of the day, and it brought tears to my eyes as we prayed for this little one to have many blessings come unto him. Logan is such a cutie pie and I am proud to be called his auntie.
Shortly there after, Tom and I packed our bags and boarded a plane for Colorado to celebrate a love unlike any other. My aunt (and Godmother) married the most incredible man. Their love story is unlike any other and it provides me with so much faith and hope that true love (besides Tom and I) still exists. That true love can not be stopped by fire nor by ice. It was great to see family I hadn't seen in a long time, to be with my grandparents (there is never enough time to spend with them), to see my father and to spend time with my siblings and my most adorable niece. Tom and I still think the trip was tooooooo short. But we will be back. Thanks Fritzi and Mike for letting us be apart of your day. It was a day I will never forget and feel so blessed that we got to be apart of the day.
My sister and my niece arrived in California at the beginning of July for 10 days. It was so nice to spend time some time them. I love hearing how smart my niece is getting. She will tell you that she loves you more, and that she is building Yama's House, saying goodbye to the train that comes by my mom's, and now knows exactly who I am and has no problem telling me no or to stop or to ask me where I am going. I love her to pieces and my sister too... I love our relationship and how close we have gotten. Speaking of my sister, I need to call her.
Tom and I are now preparing for a trek across the west. We will be driving from California to Wyoming with a stop in Salt Lake City. My other sister is getting married on August 14th in Casper. I am so excited to be home. I get to see some of my closest friends and be with my family. I am so ready. I am staying with my sister Molly and am so excited for that.
Well- thats is for now. We are doing well. Working hard and playing sort of hard. Enjoying life and loving each other. That is all we can ask for in this crazy game called life.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
In 7 more get-ups- we will be in Utah and Nevada visiting my bestie and our beautiful nephew!!!
In 13 get-ups- we will be in Denver, celebrating the marriage of my beautiful aunt and god-mother to her wonderful fiance, Mike.
We will be visiting family and seeing old friends. Enjoying the vacation and having time to ourselves. We are so excited for the next few weeks.
We simply can't wait.
In 13 get-ups- we will be in Denver, celebrating the marriage of my beautiful aunt and god-mother to her wonderful fiance, Mike.
We will be visiting family and seeing old friends. Enjoying the vacation and having time to ourselves. We are so excited for the next few weeks.
We simply can't wait.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Words right out of my mouth
Sometimes- I just need someone.
You know who you are.
Unanswered calls.
Texts.
Emails.
It just seems to crush me every time.
And it doesn't hurt any less the next time either.
Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now, I just need you now
I need you now
You know who you are.
Unanswered calls.
Texts.
Emails.
It just seems to crush me every time.
And it doesn't hurt any less the next time either.
Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now, I just need you now
I need you now
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Future plans...
So this weekend, Tom and I move. We are so excited we can hardly stand it. We got to see the apartment yesterday and it looks directly over the marina! And I can see the windmills from our balcony! Our living room is huge and we are just soooo ready and soooo excited despite all of the people who are worried about us- we really are excited- but thank you so much for your concern.
The new few weeks are going to be hectic but soooo much fun.
On May 22nd, Tom and I will be out on a sailboat, enjoying friends and family, as we listen to Kaboom (a big concert that happens every year) and the fireworks that follow.
The next weekend, I have a three day weekend for Memorial Day and am planning to have a housewarming party! It will be great!
The weekend following, we will be making the 9 hour drive to Las Vegas/St. George, Utah to bless our beautiful nephew, Logan.
And the week after that, we will be flying to Denver to celebrate the marriage of my aunt and god-mother, Fritzi, to her amazing fiance Mike. I am so excited to see my family and to spend a few days in Denver. I can't wait to see my brother and my sister and my niece- along with my cousins and aunts and uncles- my grandparents, and my daddy. It will be such a good trip! Too short- but sooo good.
Then when we get home... Titan gets to come home with us. He has become the light of our life and we want to spend as much time as possible with him. Tom and I love to feed him and watch him wabble around. We have just fallen in love with the little guy. We are soooo blessed.
Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers and support. We feel so blessed to have such amazing family and wonderful friends. We can feel the love.
XOXO
The new few weeks are going to be hectic but soooo much fun.
On May 22nd, Tom and I will be out on a sailboat, enjoying friends and family, as we listen to Kaboom (a big concert that happens every year) and the fireworks that follow.
The next weekend, I have a three day weekend for Memorial Day and am planning to have a housewarming party! It will be great!
The weekend following, we will be making the 9 hour drive to Las Vegas/St. George, Utah to bless our beautiful nephew, Logan.
And the week after that, we will be flying to Denver to celebrate the marriage of my aunt and god-mother, Fritzi, to her amazing fiance Mike. I am so excited to see my family and to spend a few days in Denver. I can't wait to see my brother and my sister and my niece- along with my cousins and aunts and uncles- my grandparents, and my daddy. It will be such a good trip! Too short- but sooo good.
Then when we get home... Titan gets to come home with us. He has become the light of our life and we want to spend as much time as possible with him. Tom and I love to feed him and watch him wabble around. We have just fallen in love with the little guy. We are soooo blessed.
Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers and support. We feel so blessed to have such amazing family and wonderful friends. We can feel the love.
XOXO
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)