At this time, my mother and I are not talking. I have found it difficult to even call her my mother. Maybe it is because my definition of mother is different from those around me, or maybe it is because I don't believe that she represents what a mother is to me.
Webster's Dictionary defines mother as
"a (1) : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman
2: source, origin
3: maternal tenderness or affection
4: something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale
— moth·er·hood\-ˌhu̇d\ noun
— moth·er·less\-ləs\ adjective
— moth·er·less·ness noun
Origin of MOTHER
Middle English moder, from Old English mōdor; akin to Old High German muoter mother, Latin mater, Greek mētēr, Sanskrit mātṛ
First Known Use: before 12th century
Such a simple definition for a job that is so big. Could we get a little but more in depth? Is there a difference between a mother and a mom? What is the definition of a good mom?
For the last 26 years, I have been trying so hard to find a relationship with my mother. We've had our ups and downs, we've had our struggles, we've had our good times, and we've had our not-so-great times. But when it all came down to it, I found myself doing anything it took to have my mother pay attention to me, to love me uncondtionally, and to be the kind of mother that I could come to when things got tough for me. I thought that maybe after 26 years, we had finally reached a middle ground. I was wrong. At a time in my life where I needed my mom the most, and just needed her to be there- to tell me it would all be ok- that we all make mistakes and that I could redeem myself and I WOULD redeem myself. Instead, I realize that the relationship I crave with my own mother, I have recieved elsewhere, since my mother doesn't know how to give me, as her child, what I want and need. I don't think she even knows me anymore. She knows me as how I used to be, but she doesn't seem to recognize the changes I have made within myself. For example: 4 years ago, I would have never fessed up to making a mistake. I would have said, "Nope, I didn't do it." Or even acknowledge that I did something wrong. But my heart has changed. I no longer yearn to be that person. And while I made an awful mistake that had many reasons behind it, I didn't hide from it, I didn't lie about it and I made right by accepting my consequences. The old me would have never done that.
I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes big- others small. But I am determined to be the best person I can be. And right now in my life, that can't include people who are negative, who make everything about themselves, and who don't want to help me become better.
I have been blessed to have many women in my life to help fill the void I have felt where my mother wasn't. My two wonderful sisters, my two amazing grandmothers, my mother-in-law and my dearest Aunt Fritzi. Between these woman, I have learned about love, health, happiness, managing money, faith, hope, kindness, understanding and unconditional love. I have never been more proud to be related to this ladies in my life.
And maybe it is because biologically, this woman gave birth to me, held me for the first few years of my life, that I feel like I should have this undeniable bond- but maybe now- now I can say that I have those bonds and I can finally stop trying and failing and breaking my heart everytime it doesn't go the way I want it to with my own mother.
I want to go deeper. I want to explain why I feel the way I feel and what has gotten me to this point, but that might be for another blog. Or maybe it something I still need to hash out in my own head. I am not angry anymore. I can't carry that around. It created too much havic in my life before. And I don't like being angry. I am simply accepting that this is what it is. Neither one of us has made an attempt to speak with the other for almost two weeks now, and I don't forsee us talking anytime soon. Maybe we are both just bad for each other.
What are your definitions of mother? Is MOM different? How are your relationships with your mother? Maybe that would help me with my defination.
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