Progress

I have a meeting with my psychologist today.
And then group.
I have only gone to group one other time, but my doctor is sure it will help me.

I am overwhelmed.
Something that the doctor says is normal.
It is the borderline personality disorder.
My emotions tend to overwhelm me.
And then I am stuck.
Here.

Now it is time to learn how to not let my emotions overwhelm me and take control.
I am not sure if I am ready to face this battle.
However, I know I have to.
It is the only way I am going to get better.
It is the only way I will improve my relationships.


I know this is going to bring up some not-so-good memories.
I know it is going to hurt first and then help later.
I know.
But I still don't feel prepared.
I feel unsure.
I feel alone in this battle *although I know I am not*

Lately, things have been tough.
I will acknowledge that part of it is my own fault.
I chose this road.
And now I must accept the consequences.
As hard as that is to swallow.

The other part.
My mother.
I got a text from her last week.
It went something like this:
Call State Farm about claim. I will call andy and have you removed from my policy. I forgot about it, but since I am no longer apart of your family.

How do I take this?
What mother says that to her own daughter?
In turn, my feelings have been this:
I have lost my mother. *Maybe I never had her*
I feel like I have to grieve her loss.
I am so sad.
And yet, I know that this is my only option.

I have had so many people validate this.
My doctor says that I can't be apart of her sickness.
I have to move on.
Yet, I am stuck.
As always.
How do I just carry on and let go?
I guess that is what I will learn throughout my progress with my doctor.

I have so many people be so supportive.
I am so thankful for those people.
I am so thankful for my amazing husband.
He has stuck by me through all of this.
I can only imagine what I have put him through, but this is what unconditional love is.
And my grandparents *both sets*, my aunt, my sister and brother, my in-laws- and even my dad have all stepped up and showed me that I am not alone in this.
This makes this journey so much easier.
With love, anything is possible.

And with that, I am going to head out to my appointment.
I will provide further details of how it goes.
Thank you everyone for being there.
You will never know how much it means to me.

XOXO