Day 5 Powerlessness and Unmanageability

Apparently, unmanageability is not a word.....

Anyways, things are getting better everyday.
I am finding myself becoming happy again.
However, today after lunch, I felt as though all my withdrawal symptoms had returned.
I felt shaky, achy, tired, irritable, angry, and in so much pain tears were streaming down my face.
I'll see a doctor tomorrow morning in the day program at 830. Hopefully some resolution will come.

In the day program, we are given three assignments we must complete over the course of 2 weeks in order to transition (or move on).

Today I am doing assignment number one. And guess what it is called? You guessed it- Powerlessness and Unmanageability. I am writing it here because I feel like it might help in the following ways, 1) I will gain a better understanding and will have something to look back on and 2) because I want those who are supporting my life and the choices I am making to improve my life will also know how the progress is going.

I am no longer afraid to admit, I have a problem. I am no longer afraid to admit I need help. And last Sunday, when people told me that they would support me and be there for me- I took their word. As you will come to learn, support is how I will become successful over my disease. Which is what I have- simply that. A disease for which there is no cure.

Addiction is a very cunning and baffling disease. Addiction affects our lives in ways that addicts are unaware of.

As the addict enters treatment, it's necessary for them to begin to understand how their addiction was in control of their lives.

The purpose of this exercise is to help you understand how your disease has affected you and your life. If you use Nicotine, or gamble addictively, consider these as you work on your assignment. Please be as honest and thorough as possible.

A. HISTORY OF ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUG USE:
1) At what age and under what circumstances did you begin drinking or using other drugs?
13. To fit in with a friend who I thought was good for me.
2) At what period of your life did you begin planning and anticipating drinking and using
other drugs?
This one is a bit difficult. I was 17 in France to drink and started to use drugs at
age 19.
3) When did you first realize that drinking and using other drugs was becoming a problem?
Within the last year, as it started to affect my job and family relationships.

B. CONSEQUENCES
1) How has addiction affected your health?
I have gained weight, I have been unable to conceive children.
2) How has addiction affected your family?
My family is beyond worried. It has disappointed my family which hurts me. It has burned bridges that I am not sure will ever be repaired. Trust has been lost.
3) How has addiction affected your social life?
I have completely isolated myself. I have no friends beside those of my family.
4) How has addiction affected your finances?
It hasn't- but it would have had I continued down the path I was going.
5) What, if any, legal problems have you had because of addiction?
Luckily, none.
6) What psychological problems have you had due to addiction?
It has escalated my depression and caused my bipolar and borderline personality disorder to get out of control.
7) List any other consequences you've suffered because of addiction.
I have hurt those I love closest to me so much. My actions because I was loaded, almost caused my husband to leave me. My job, my schooling everything stopped so I could feed one addiction or another.



C. HAVE YOU TRIED TO STOP USING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS BEFORE? IF YES, WHAT IS DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
This time, I have support. I am no longer trying to hide my addiction and therefore it will be more difficult to relapse.

D. DRAW A PICTURE REPRESENTING YOUR POWERLESSNESS AND SHARE WITH THE GROUP.
This will not happen here for obvious reasons, but maybe I can find a picture.

E. WRITE A BRIEF LETTER TO SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU, WHICH MIGHT EXPRESS YOUR COMMITMENT TO RECOVERY.
For this particular instruction, I have two letters I felt were needed to be written.


Daddy,
I have always been your little girl. I always wanted to make you proud of me. My heart is shattered because I have let you down. My disease has taken control and I have lost perspective on what I need to accomplish in life. I have hurt you in ways I didn't know were possible and have heard you shed one too many tears. You are my hero, and through recovery I hope I become half of the person you are. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me and for being there and supporting me. Because you have chosen to be there for me and I have chosen to accept your support, I will recover.

Forever your baby girl,
Moe


Dearest baby of mine,
The moment I knew you were inside me, I loved you. You were the missing link to my family. We had waited so long for you to come. For us to have a child of God and to begin living our life together as a family. Because of my addiction and my inability to stop using narcotics, God chose to take you home. My world shattered and I felt so lost without you. I wanted so desperately to have you come into this world, to know a love only mother's feel. So today, I promise you, my sweet baby, that I am going to get better. I will recover from this disease so that I can prepare to be a mother, clean, sober and healthy one. I love you angel.

Mom