100

How appropriate that this post is my 100th post?
I think it is very appropriate and here is why.

Today, I have been clean and sober for 14 days.
Yesterday I "graduated" from the day treatment program.
I worked so hard.
I talked about things that for some reason had never crossed my mind.
It made my faith stronger than it has ever been.
I am 100% positive that I belong with Tom (as if I had any doubt to begin with, it just reaffirmed that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together).
I shed hundreds of tears and it felt so good.
I cried happy tears, sad tears.
I cried for those who are hurting and I understand. Oh! how I understand.

There was a lot that happened over the last week.
Time seemed to have just flown by.
I still can't believe I had been there for two weeks.
I was/am scared to leave.
To face reality.
At least that first day of reality will be a plane ride to Houston to go see my daddy.
But the fear is still there.
What happens if I relapse?
I feel like I still need more.
And I will get it when I get back,it is just my main worry right now.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
I struggle with that too.

We had an exercise this last week where we had a "funeral" for our disease.
And we had to bring items that reminded us of hope.
I don't remember what I said to the disease- and I don't think it really matters.
I am not going to let this defeat me. I REFUSE.

So instead, I remember what I brought for hope.
Our wedding picture. Tom is everything to me.
He is my every thought. I couldn't imagine life without him- nor will I ever have to.
He has proven to me the meaning of unconditional love.
He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
I am so grateful for him.
The Book of Mormon- this Book changed my life.
It made me into such a better person.
It has taught me the importance of being a good person.
The importance of the atonement, and the sacrifice our Heavenly Father gave.
It has brought a peace and happiness into my life I never knew existed.
I brought a picture of my in laws on my wedding day.
My FIL and MIL have loved me without condition.
They don't judge me and my faults.
Instead,they have held my hand and given me blessings.
They have prayed for me, with me.
They have supported me in ways I never knew was possible.
Lastly, I brought a picture of my daddy and my niece Morgan on my wedding day.
My dad has been a pillar in my life, my whole life.
He is there when I need him and has also let me learned my own life lessons.
He has provided for me my whole life- working all over the world, missing birthdays, Christmas, important events in all of his children's lives just so that we had what we needed and what we wanted.
I am sure I have disappointed him a thousand times. I know I have angered him. But he never ever holds my mistakes against me and in the end- Daddys don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.
And then there is Morgan. Moogs.
Her birth changed me.
She may only be my niece, but I have this aunt that I look up to so much. I want to be that for her. This summer when I had gone to Wyoming for a wedding, I had walked into the house for the first time and said her name- she got this BIG smile on her face, ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug. It made my heart melt. And every time I call her and hear her tell me she loves me, my heart just swells. She is my hope. I want to be there for her, just as my aunt has been there for me.

On the day of my transition (when I get back from seeing my dad) I will be going to treatment only half days instead of full days), I was told it would be a "quiet transition" because I didn't finish the full 14 days. Because of the trip to see my dad, I completed 13. So I had told no one to come. After expressing my sadness at group yesterday that I wasn't being treated like everyone else just because I was leaving 1 day early- all of my assignments were completed. I had worked hard and stayed clean- I believed I deserved it. After speaking out, the counselors all agreed and spoke with the program director. She also agreed that I deserved to transition like everyone else. I called my family, and they all said they couldn't make it. Well.... they ended up surprising me. My MIL, my little brother (in law) and my husband.
Knowing they were there meant so much to me.
The support they give me, they faith they have in me.
It brings me to tears just thinking about it.

I told my MIL the other night that I believe that she is my spiritual mother.
I don't believe I have ever been this close to a "mom" before.
I have amazing grandmothers who have done so much for me and taught me so much.
I have an amazing aunt, who I consider one of my closest friends, who is also my Godmother, who always tells me how it is and who has always been there for me during the toughest of times.
But Victoria is different.
She has held my hand, rubbed my back, cried with me, laughed with me, shared stories with me.
She told me the other day that our relationship has taught her so much about our Heavenly Father's love.
She has taught me so much about patience, love, devotion, hope, faith, cooking, baking, life.
I know I was meant to marry her son.
I know I was meant to be sealed to her son which then seals me to her.
I know.

I can't wait for the next few months.
I only see my life getting better and better.
I only see myself getting stronger and stronger.

This next week, I am in Houston with my dad, my step mom and her mom and dad.
I am so thankful to be here.
I am thankful my dad brought me out here.
I already miss my wonderful husband but my dad's dog is keeping me company.

Sorry this is such a long post. I just feel like I have so much to say, I want to continue- but I will wait for another day.

P.S. Ebba- I didn't forget you- you have kept me balanced for years. You have been the bestest friend a girl could ask for- and I consider you more of a sister than anything. I love you and am so thankful for you.

XOXOXO