27 days.

I feel like I have so much to write about. The emotions right now are overwhelming. I didn't know a person could feel so many emotions at one time.... but here I am... Searching to just pick out one emotion and focus on that one for today.

I think that is what I have been doing but not doing it with conscience.
Yesterday, I had the most amazing break through.
I had to share my story yesterday.
What brought me to this place.
And my story doesn't start with how I became dependant on pain medication
It started a long time ago.

It's hard to tell your own story
At least it was for me.
I had no idea where to begin.
When did it all seem to just turn around?
December 24 1992, maybe.
Was I ever truly happy as a chid?
You betcha!
Was the sadness and anguish I felt inside real?
No doubt.
When my daddy would leave to go on a trip, was my fear of him never coming home real?
Absolutely!
It was weird this time.... When I left my daddy in Houston I didn't shed a single tear.
In fact, I didn't cry for a few days after I got home and I started to miss him.

I find myself growing in ways I did not know or understand.
Tom says I am happier.
I feel happier.
God continues to show His mercy even when I feel so undeserving of His blessings.
I feel the Spirit so close to me.

I'm working on me right now, trying hard not to focus on the past.
I have set my boundaries.
I have applied for school.
Did my FASFA.
Qualified for a Pell Grant.
I'll be starting next fall.

I'm starting over.
Change is coming.
Change has begun.
I'm changing.
Everyone around me is changing.
It is the most terrifying thing yet I am so excited to see what is to come.

I have to admit, as much as this hurts, that I am glad that God has not given us a child to raise yet.
As I fight this battle, this disease that has infected me for so long, I know I could not properly care for a child.
I have to win this battle.
(Even though, I'll be fighting a war for the rest of my life)
I believe once my body is healthy and clean.
Once my focus has been turned to giving the child of God the love it deserves
Then and only the do I believe we will become parents.

My fingers are turning numb as I write this underneath the stars.
It is late and I am worn.
But just so you know....
I'm ok.