King of Anything

My mother has been on my mind the last few days.
Its sad that I can't just call her and tell her that I am thinking about her.
But right now, it wouldn't be healthy.
There is nothing to say to her, but that I am hurting.
That I am mad that she has chosen to not be here for me.
That once again, I am without my mother in a time in my life where I need her.

It almost makes me laugh how she blames this one me-
How I am the one who told her to stay out of my life.
Now, I am not even a mom yet-
But I know if my daughter was going through half of the things I was going through-
That no matter how she felt about me-
I would be there.
(I also told her that on my second day of detoxing- which is by far the worst pain I've been in in my life thus far)

And it makes me think of so many things when I think of her.
It makes me think of the time I flew out here when she had kidney stones.
I had my father's credit card number
And was worried that my mom didn't have any to take care of here-
So I had her co-worker pick me up from the airport
And I spent the weekend taking care of my mom.

Or when I got home from France.
No house, no dogs, no family.
And she chose not to be there when I got home.
Being out in California doing who knows what with whom rather than being there to greet her daughter who she had not seen in 10 months.
It broke my heart.

I know that is had taken me this long to really believe that she treats me differently-
Even though I've had quite a few people tell me so.
Those who were looking in from the outside.
Those who couldn't do anything as they watched her treat me less or love me less
And all I could do was do anything to get her attention.
And that even failed.
I did all the wrong things to get to her to notice me.

Things were good.
But only because I chose them to be.
I tried to become the daughter she wanted me to be.
But I failed.
I have failed a lot when it comes to her.

I didn't graduate school.
I am not skinny.
I have issues.
I am not perfect.
And I am not doing the drama anymore.

I can't figure out how to stop going in the cycle.
I've been down this road so many times-
And just when I think I got passed it-
Here it is again....
Haunting me.
And I just want it to stop... NOW!

I am ready to move on with my life.
I am ready to have people love me for me.
I am ready to have people not try and change me.
I am good person.
I have a lot of things people love about me.


Here's my song at the moment:

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown

~King of Anything
Sara Bareilles