29

29 days.
I am not sure how much longer I will count for- but it still makes me feel like I have accomplished something when I can say- I have been clean and sober for 29 days.

For those of you who choose to read it, I am glad that you do, for very rarely do I sugarcoat what I have to say. For those of you who think I shouldn't put my world out there for others to read, well, I'm sorry you think that way, but this is for me. I have to write this out. And for the most part, it is usually just to keep my family and friends, far and wide, updated on how I am doing. However, there are times that I just need to vent. And that is what I am going to do today.

This morning started out pretty good. It is Tom's birthday. He is 25 today! I am so grateful he was born. I dropped him off at his welding class at 8 and then pulled over to call my sister. I was told by her husband that I am stressing my sister out and when I am ready to accept responsibility for my actions then I can call the house (this is not verbatim but very close to what he said). And then he hung up on me. There was no explanation, as I have talked to my sister on a few different occasions. One conversation, the day before my birthday, was a disagreeable one. We were discussing quite a few things in which we both disagreed on, but I didn't think it put a dent in our relationship as she called back the next day to wish me a happy birthday and then called two more times before I left Houston. However, since then, I haven't heard from her. And when I call today, I get that.

I am beyond frustrated. My sister and my mother are the ones who decided to place the "intervention". They are the ones that said, "we love you and we are here for you no matter what and we want you to get help." Yet, the support I have gotten from them since the day of the intervention has been little to none. Or at least, that is how I see it. Is it because I didn't go to the place they wanted me to go to? What was the purpose for the intervention if you aren't going to be here for me and help me by supporting me?

I will have to work on a lot of issues. One day, along the road to recovery, I will get to my past. And then I will write letters, and apologize to those I have hurt because of my addiction. But today, because I am still so new to sobriety and because just recently did I start working on myself. I need to focus on me now. I can't focus on my relationships with other people (besides my Heavenly Father and husband). I can't fix anything right now. I can't expect to change for people or to try and change people. I need to set boundaries and have people in my life willing to accept those. Now maybe, the people who have not been there to support me, when in the beginning said they would (instead I have been told what a horrible daughter, sister, person, wife I am), just need to get some education on what it is like to be an addict, to admit that you have a disease (an incurable disease at that) and to have to work through the program. And you can say, I have worked the program a thousand times, but you haven't worked it with me. You haven't gone done the path with me. And YES THIS TIME IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!

I plead that you will get to a point where you want to get to know me again- as I am changing, all the time, everyday. I am going to be a completely different person when I am done here. I believe that only those who have stuck close by me, helped me, held my hand, called me, emailed me, let me vent to them, and cried with me, are going to be the ones that only know the changes that have come and are coming. I have to change everything about me in order to beat this. I have to change habits and ways of thinking. If I wear my watch on my left hand, I need to start wearing it on my right. My routine in the shower is changing. EVERYTHING is changing. I AM CHANGING!

I am grateful that after I got off the phone with my sister's husband, I was able to reach out to my dad, who just comforted me. He gave me no explanation, just listened to me. And then told me not to put too much worry into it. He then asked me how I was doing and I told I was doing pretty great. He said I sounded much better. I am so glad I decided to go. I am glad that my sister reached out and so did my mother. I am glad that mi tia and Nina and seester all asked me to get help. I am thankful that my father told me to listen to my husband, as the addict in me didn't want to go. I am grateful that my husband, who knows me the best, after prayer and thought, told me he thought it would be a good idea to go. I am grateful that after I talked to my sister's husband, that the hurt I felt, and the immediate response to use to take away that hurt, was interrupted by the fact that I told my MIL I would be over there this morning to get help on a letter that I needed to write. When I called her this morning, it was to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to come over and I was going to find something, anything to use- whether it be my medicine I have now, or to call up a friend who would know a friend. But when I heard her voice, I decided to come over and I broke down. I was so hurt and saddened. And I almost lost what I have had control over for 29 days.

It still all hurts. But everyday, I am getting better. And I don't have to have anyone here beside me to do this, because I am strong enough to do this on my own, but for those of you who have been here and who continue to be here, I wouldn't want to do this without you. You all have given me so much strength and has made all the difference so thank you. I am doing really well besides my rant above. I am returning to work on the 16th and am so ready to go back. I am so ready to start school too. This next year is going to be amazing!

I hope all is well with you and yours!
XOXO