Cowboy Up

I start a new chapter in my life tomorrow.
It is a year for change and for better things to come.
However, I am so scared.
Scared of the unknown.
Scared of reactions.
Of how people will perceive me.

I thought I could be prolific and say something that I could look back on and think- wow, that was really deep -or- that was really insightful. It is not going to happen folks. I am too tired, hurting too much, and wanting this all to just go away. I want to wake up tomorrow and this all to be over. And I know thats not going to happen. I know there is a lot of work ahead of me. I know that this didn't happen overnight and so nothing is going to change overnight. But yet, I still just want it to just disappear. Maybe it is time I stop running. Maybe it is time, I buckle down, cowboy up and just do it. It is not going to make a difference right. All of these things are just going to be for the better right? The power of positive thinking.

I wish I could have someone hold me up and take care of me. I feel like breaking into a million pieces and just losing it right now. But I can't. I just have to be strong.

For those of you who don't know, and to save myself from lies, gossip and hurt, I am putting this out there----- I am starting rehab tomorrow. Hopefully this won't bite me 5 year later.

For the last year, I have been prescribed narcotics for a chronic back pain. It has gotten out of control, resulting in a very scary hospital visit in December and me blacking out. Now, I would like to say that I am not some crazy addict. I am not going and buying this stuff off the street, or online. I am not selling my household to provide for my addiction, these were given to me by medical professionals. I am recognizing I need some help. I need to learn how to manage my pain better. I need to find tools to deal with my bi-polar along with other issues I have had and have currently. This is not going to be easy. I don't foresee this being exactly what I think I had in mind, but it is all I can do.

On Sunday, my mother came over unexpectedly and got some very important people in my life on the phone to tell me how worried they were about me. I want people to know that they don't have to worry. I know they are family, I know they love me, but I don't want people to worry. I am going to be fine. I have an amazing support system at my finger tips and am doing ok with all that I am given. I worry that with these people worrying they are only going to cause themselves to get sick. So put your mind at ease. I am giving this to God- He will help me along the way.

I think now that I've said this out loud, that it has become a little easier. My heart is still racing. I am still thinking- what are these people going to think of me? How am I going to handle their judgement? But then I realize that- those that love me will not judge. And that I will have their support in battling through this. There is no need for the drama or any tears- just happiness that I am getting better and hopefully Tom and I can start a family.

Right now, I am going through withdrawal. My body aches. My back the most. I am getting a headache. I feel overwhelmed by all of this. But tomorrow is coming whether I like it or not- so at 1230 pm I am going through intake- with my husband by my side. A blessing in my heart. And God carrying me.

I will let you all know the outcome.