Its been a while since I wrote. I would like to think of it as some big altering, mind blowing event that has kept me away- but it is not just that. I have simply had nothing to say. Nothing that would really have importance or impact. I would like to think that those of you who read my block would take away something. Maybe that is wishful thinking- but here I am writing- needing someone who understands.
I am at a huge crossroad. My being sick has brought me here. I have had more time to research- search out to God. To where I need to be. Where I always end up. Not matter how far I stray- I find myself back here at pleading, with my broken heart to repair it.
Yet, part of me just wants to give in. I hate that I am sick. I am sick physically in some aspects, but more so, I am sick mentally. I think that at least half of this battle is going towards depression, deep depression with deep anxiety. It is a fight every day to just get out of bed. Right now, if I get out by 9, I am doing great. I try and go get things accomplished so that my work doesn't question this illness as it has gone from depression, cellulites, infected ulcer, and a headache that made me lose my mind for 2 whole days, and now we are here.
Do I want to get better? Yes, but at what cost. I believe all the medicines are causing some of my problems, but I don't know which ones not to take- as I trusted these doctors to get me better. So I am going back to basics. I am taking just what I know I need. And pray that my body will put itself back on course and in just a week I will be feeling better. I don't plan on blogging- but maybe I should. *sigh*
Somethings just can't be said out loud. It is not politically correct. I am tired of trying to hold everything back. Yet, I stand here and post nothing. Nothing that could hurt anyone or hurt myself.
But I am going to try- to maybe enlightened you into my head. Write a journal based off nothing but my misunderstood over-dramatic self.
But you first have to know you are dealing with a crazy woman. There are times when I am careening shamelessly into oblivion. I love to run. But for the last little bit I have been here ready to fight this- not give up. I think it is Thomas. He keeps me pretty grounded and his passion for me. He is truly my soul mate. My illnesses will no longer be a reason as to why I cannot achieve great things. I will not longer let it be my crutch. I really want to make a life for him. And he deserves it.
I'll continue to keep you updated. Bill and Victoria get home tomorrow so Tom and I get to go back home :) I am excited to be back to out own little place. One day, I will put up pictures.
Night!!!!
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