This past month has been a roller coaster for me. I have had some pretty big ranges of emotions. Some I will go into detail here- others I won't. But know that my heart still feels like it is breaking. I feel like at any moment, I am going to burst into tears. I know that eventually (just like with all things) this will subside. But tonight, it is overwhelming.
Right before Tom and I got sealed in September, we thought we were pregnant. It was something I had been praying so hard about. I took a pregnancy test, it was positive. I was elated to say the least. The next day, I made a doctor's appointment. It was for Wednesday. I was going on my lunch. On Wednesday morning, I had started bleeding. By the time I went to the doctor's, it was heavy and clot like. I had what they called a chemical pregnancy. The egg has in fact been fertilized, but had failed to attach itself to the uterus. I was, to say the least, devastated. Just thinking that we were pregnant, had me attached to what we had made together, to what was going to be our baby. And in one instant it was gone. And it hurt so much. But, with the help of the Lord, and Tom, I picked myself back up and moved on. It was all I could do. I couldn't dwell, and everyone kept telling me that when it was God's plan to have a baby, we would. And I hate that. I know it will be in God's time, but please stop telling me to stop trying or to not worry about it. It is hard enough to not get pregnant when I want so badly to start a family, but to have people tell you to stop worrying about it and to stop trying. All our lives, we have been told that if we want something to try your hardest and you will succeed. But now I am being told differently. My brain and my heart just can't take it anymore.
At this point, I have left it to God. It still hurts and every blog I open and I see new babies or more people getting pregnant, it hurts. It hurts like hell. It is like a dagger into my heart. But there is nothing I can do about it. We will just wait. And we will just have faith. Because as of right now that is all we can do.
I lost my job at the end of October. And while it was a serious blow to my ego, I found another one within the week and have had a nice vacation of packing and getting ready to move in with Tom's grandparents.
We decided after much prayer and talking, that moving into the condo was not in the best interest of ourselves. Tom and I have never had much time together- just the two of us. We have always had a roommate and we believe now more than ever, we need to just be us. So we will stay with his grandparents until we are ready to go (no more than 6 months) and then we are going to spread our wings and fly.
After all of this happened, I found out my father eloped with his girlfriend Kendra. It was heartbreaking news to hear. I figured out he would want to share this most important occasion with his children, with his family. And while he made his decision, he lied. He betrayed me. I feel as though he has now chosen his new wife over his children. (And that is just how I feel.) I am not upset at who he married. I am not even mad that he eloped. I am mad that he lied. That he then berated me because she told him to. I am mad because since then I have yet to hear from him- not one word. I am hurt, heart broken and sad. I miss my daddy. The man I looked up to- the man who was my hero. But I feel like I no longer know my own father. I no longer know the man who used to put me on his shoulders, who used to let me fall asleep on his stomach, who used to give me bear hugs and tell me everything would be alright. I no longer know the man that after not hearing from me for a few days, would call or e-mail me because he was worried about me. I miss the man that was only a phone call away and always had some divine wisdom to tell me about how I was going to be ok or what to do. He is my father. He is still suppose to play a role in my life. Not the number 1 role, but a role... a role I feel he no longer plays at all and it kills me. I never thought I would ever be here.
I have now also found out what lying can do. It can literally tear apart a family. I am not just talking about my dad, but in all aspects. And I never thought that lies could be so devastating. I feel like I have lost a lot this past month. And I feel empty to be honest. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. And yes, I know this will all pass. And yes, I know it will all be ok.
I have now also found out what lying can do. It can literally tear apart a family. I am not just talking about my dad, but in all aspects. And I never thought that lies could be so devastating. I feel like I have lost a lot this past month. And I feel empty to be honest. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. And yes, I know this will all pass. And yes, I know it will all be ok.
After writing this out, I feel free. A bit lighter. A bit brighter.
There are no more tears to cry over what has happened.
I will move on tonight.
Because that is what we do.
We have to.
We may live far away from each other now, but we have declared that one day we will live together (or at least next to each other) as old ladies, drinking lemonade and having a lot of little Howies running around. Howie was a dog we bought together from the pound. Along with the stars on our feet, we also have paw prints on our other foot to symbolize our "child." He is now living in Idaho in a great family and I know we miss him dearly. 
My baby brother is the comedian. Whenever, I need a laugh I know I can always count on him. I love hearing from him and miss him desperately. He has been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember and I wish we lived closer again. I miss our drives and our talks. I miss listening to Dave with you. I have such great memories of us. My brother is talented, sweet, loving and so caring and I am so blessed to have him in life. 
She is my greatest supporter. She is one of my closest friends. And while sometimes we don't always see eye to eye, she is the one person (besides Tom) I know I can always call. She will always answer my calls, greet me at the door when I come over, and wipe my tears, either with words or with her hands. And she can always make me laugh.... "It's broken." "Jeff fafa...."
Each word of advice, each moment I have with her, each Oscar Meyer weiner song, is just another great memory I have of her. She is beautiful. She is one of a kind. And I am so thankful that God gave me her as my mother, as my friend and as my mentor on how I want to be when I grow up. 
