How appropriate that this post is my 100th post?
I think it is very appropriate and here is why.
Today, I have been clean and sober for 14 days.
Yesterday I "graduated" from the day treatment program.
I worked so hard.
I talked about things that for some reason had never crossed my mind.
It made my faith stronger than it has ever been.
I am 100% positive that I belong with Tom (as if I had any doubt to begin with, it just reaffirmed that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together).
I shed hundreds of tears and it felt so good.
I cried happy tears, sad tears.
I cried for those who are hurting and I understand. Oh! how I understand.
There was a lot that happened over the last week.
Time seemed to have just flown by.
I still can't believe I had been there for two weeks.
I was/am scared to leave.
To face reality.
At least that first day of reality will be a plane ride to Houston to go see my daddy.
But the fear is still there.
What happens if I relapse?
I feel like I still need more.
And I will get it when I get back,it is just my main worry right now.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
I struggle with that too.
We had an exercise this last week where we had a "funeral" for our disease.
And we had to bring items that reminded us of hope.
I don't remember what I said to the disease- and I don't think it really matters.
I am not going to let this defeat me. I REFUSE.
So instead, I remember what I brought for hope.
Our wedding picture. Tom is everything to me.
He is my every thought. I couldn't imagine life without him- nor will I ever have to.
He has proven to me the meaning of unconditional love.
He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
I am so grateful for him.
The Book of Mormon- this Book changed my life.
It made me into such a better person.
It has taught me the importance of being a good person.
The importance of the atonement, and the sacrifice our Heavenly Father gave.
It has brought a peace and happiness into my life I never knew existed.
I brought a picture of my in laws on my wedding day.
My FIL and MIL have loved me without condition.
They don't judge me and my faults.
Instead,they have held my hand and given me blessings.
They have prayed for me, with me.
They have supported me in ways I never knew was possible.
Lastly, I brought a picture of my daddy and my niece Morgan on my wedding day.
My dad has been a pillar in my life, my whole life.
He is there when I need him and has also let me learned my own life lessons.
He has provided for me my whole life- working all over the world, missing birthdays, Christmas, important events in all of his children's lives just so that we had what we needed and what we wanted.
I am sure I have disappointed him a thousand times. I know I have angered him. But he never ever holds my mistakes against me and in the end- Daddys don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.
And then there is Morgan. Moogs.
Her birth changed me.
She may only be my niece, but I have this aunt that I look up to so much. I want to be that for her. This summer when I had gone to Wyoming for a wedding, I had walked into the house for the first time and said her name- she got this BIG smile on her face, ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug. It made my heart melt. And every time I call her and hear her tell me she loves me, my heart just swells. She is my hope. I want to be there for her, just as my aunt has been there for me.
On the day of my transition (when I get back from seeing my dad) I will be going to treatment only half days instead of full days), I was told it would be a "quiet transition" because I didn't finish the full 14 days. Because of the trip to see my dad, I completed 13. So I had told no one to come. After expressing my sadness at group yesterday that I wasn't being treated like everyone else just because I was leaving 1 day early- all of my assignments were completed. I had worked hard and stayed clean- I believed I deserved it. After speaking out, the counselors all agreed and spoke with the program director. She also agreed that I deserved to transition like everyone else. I called my family, and they all said they couldn't make it. Well.... they ended up surprising me. My MIL, my little brother (in law) and my husband.
Knowing they were there meant so much to me.
The support they give me, they faith they have in me.
It brings me to tears just thinking about it.
I told my MIL the other night that I believe that she is my spiritual mother.
I don't believe I have ever been this close to a "mom" before.
I have amazing grandmothers who have done so much for me and taught me so much.
I have an amazing aunt, who I consider one of my closest friends, who is also my Godmother, who always tells me how it is and who has always been there for me during the toughest of times.
But Victoria is different.
She has held my hand, rubbed my back, cried with me, laughed with me, shared stories with me.
She told me the other day that our relationship has taught her so much about our Heavenly Father's love.
She has taught me so much about patience, love, devotion, hope, faith, cooking, baking, life.
I know I was meant to marry her son.
I know I was meant to be sealed to her son which then seals me to her.
I know.
I can't wait for the next few months.
I only see my life getting better and better.
I only see myself getting stronger and stronger.
This next week, I am in Houston with my dad, my step mom and her mom and dad.
I am so thankful to be here.
I am thankful my dad brought me out here.
I already miss my wonderful husband but my dad's dog is keeping me company.
Sorry this is such a long post. I just feel like I have so much to say, I want to continue- but I will wait for another day.
P.S. Ebba- I didn't forget you- you have kept me balanced for years. You have been the bestest friend a girl could ask for- and I consider you more of a sister than anything. I love you and am so thankful for you.
XOXOXO
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Day 11 Anger Assignment
Today is day 11.
I have been clean and sober for 11 days.
And most of the time, I feel great.
But at the same time-
I have never been more confused as to who I am.
I think part of my abusing my medication was to hide.
From what?
From who?
I don't know.
All I know is I want to be happy.
Anger has been a constant for me.
I am angry that my family split up.
I am angry that I don't have a home to go home to (I am not homeless, just after my parent's divorce and they sold the house, I have felt like I don't have a home to go home to).
I am angry that my mother refuses to be there for me- time and time again.
Even though she promised she would be.
I AM JUST FLAT OUT ANGRY.
It is part of the process of grieving.
I am starting a new life.
Saying goodbye to an old one and starting anew.
And I am weeding out my thistles and thorns.
And slowly but surely, I am finding my way back to the light.
My second assignment is on Anger.
Please complete this assignment and share in your small group. Please be as honest as you can in your responses. Be sure to complete each list as requested.
1. What has caused you the most pain and discomfort in your life? List ten items.
1. Being raped.
2. My mother not believing I was raped.
3. My parents divorce.
4. Losing my dogs when my parents divorced.
5. Hurting my husband by being an addict.
6. Hurting my grandparents when I lived with them (both sets of them)
7. Disappointing my dad too many times.
8. My mother's inability to love me the way I want/need her to.
9. Losing a child because of my choices.
10. Being neglected by my mother during personal achievements.
2. What makes you feel angry? List ten items.
1. My addiction.
2. My ability to self sabotage.
3. My mother talking horribly about my father.
4. People who don't follow through on promises.
5. Not being able to get pregnant.
6. Not finishing school.
7. I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
8. Not knowing who I am.
9. Having mental disorders.
10. My family being hypocritical.
3. Describe how your own anger feels.
It feels deep and dark. Hidden from the world. And ready to let go.
4. If your anger were a wild animal or some other metaphor, which one would it be? Why?
A wild horse, not ready to be bridled, so it bucks and runs faster the more someone tries to tame it.
5. What does compassion mean to you?
Compassion means doing something nice, kind, loving, without having expectation of it being returned.
6. How do you show compassion to others?
I listen without judgement, I help others when needed, I love without condition.
7. Name people in your life who have shown you compassion.
My Heavenly Father, Jesus, my mother in law, my best friend, my aunts (mi Tia especially), my Myia, my Pa, my Nina, my Don, my father in law, my husband, my uncles, my daddy, my brothers, my sisters, my niece and at times even my mother.
8. List ten qualities you like about yourself.
1. I love my red hair.
2. I think I am funny.
3. My loyalty.
4. My love for music
5. My faith
6. My determination (you tell me I can't do it, I will just to prove you wrong)
7. My people skills
8. My love to learn
9. My ability to forgive
10. My ability to be a true friend, I am someone people can always count on to be there when they need a shoulder.
Surprisingly, this was hard. I had to search and distinguish the difference between pain and anger. Maybe you can try and do this yourself. I am learning so much about myself. I am so glad I decided to listen to my husband and do this. I love that he had prayed about it and was able to receive revelation. I love that my husband holds the Priesthood and the power it contains. I love that my husband can give me blessings and that I am filled with so much calmness, love and understanding. It made such a difference in me making the decision to go to this program.
I have also come to this conclusion. Anger- no matter what type it is or who it is directed at- controls you. It can, if you let it, control every aspect of your life. It can destroy you. I have made a conscious decision to no longer let anger control me. More importantly, the anger towards my mother. The more anger I have, the more control she has over me. I am done being angry. Her lack of support in this process (she has not called me once since I have been in treatment) had me so angry that all I wanted to do was go get loaded. And ruin the last 11 days. Instead, I am no longer empowering her. If she does not want to get to know me, if she does not want to love me for who I am without trying to change me, if she doesn't support my decisions in life- then she will not be apart of my life. I even wanted to write her a letter to express how angry I am at her. In doing so, I would only put her in more control and that is what our whole relationship has been about... control. Well- that is now over. Through meditation, prayer, journaling, and therapy, my anger will slowly disappear as will the control she has over me.
So today ends with a new beginning in site.
And only 4 more days till I get to see my daddy and my step-mom! I can't wait!
I have been clean and sober for 11 days.
And most of the time, I feel great.
But at the same time-
I have never been more confused as to who I am.
I think part of my abusing my medication was to hide.
From what?
From who?
I don't know.
All I know is I want to be happy.
Anger has been a constant for me.
I am angry that my family split up.
I am angry that I don't have a home to go home to (I am not homeless, just after my parent's divorce and they sold the house, I have felt like I don't have a home to go home to).
I am angry that my mother refuses to be there for me- time and time again.
Even though she promised she would be.
I AM JUST FLAT OUT ANGRY.
It is part of the process of grieving.
I am starting a new life.
Saying goodbye to an old one and starting anew.
And I am weeding out my thistles and thorns.
And slowly but surely, I am finding my way back to the light.
My second assignment is on Anger.
Please complete this assignment and share in your small group. Please be as honest as you can in your responses. Be sure to complete each list as requested.
1. What has caused you the most pain and discomfort in your life? List ten items.
1. Being raped.
2. My mother not believing I was raped.
3. My parents divorce.
4. Losing my dogs when my parents divorced.
5. Hurting my husband by being an addict.
6. Hurting my grandparents when I lived with them (both sets of them)
7. Disappointing my dad too many times.
8. My mother's inability to love me the way I want/need her to.
9. Losing a child because of my choices.
10. Being neglected by my mother during personal achievements.
2. What makes you feel angry? List ten items.
1. My addiction.
2. My ability to self sabotage.
3. My mother talking horribly about my father.
4. People who don't follow through on promises.
5. Not being able to get pregnant.
6. Not finishing school.
7. I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
8. Not knowing who I am.
9. Having mental disorders.
10. My family being hypocritical.
3. Describe how your own anger feels.
It feels deep and dark. Hidden from the world. And ready to let go.
4. If your anger were a wild animal or some other metaphor, which one would it be? Why?
A wild horse, not ready to be bridled, so it bucks and runs faster the more someone tries to tame it.
5. What does compassion mean to you?
Compassion means doing something nice, kind, loving, without having expectation of it being returned.
6. How do you show compassion to others?
I listen without judgement, I help others when needed, I love without condition.
7. Name people in your life who have shown you compassion.
My Heavenly Father, Jesus, my mother in law, my best friend, my aunts (mi Tia especially), my Myia, my Pa, my Nina, my Don, my father in law, my husband, my uncles, my daddy, my brothers, my sisters, my niece and at times even my mother.
8. List ten qualities you like about yourself.
1. I love my red hair.
2. I think I am funny.
3. My loyalty.
4. My love for music
5. My faith
6. My determination (you tell me I can't do it, I will just to prove you wrong)
7. My people skills
8. My love to learn
9. My ability to forgive
10. My ability to be a true friend, I am someone people can always count on to be there when they need a shoulder.
Surprisingly, this was hard. I had to search and distinguish the difference between pain and anger. Maybe you can try and do this yourself. I am learning so much about myself. I am so glad I decided to listen to my husband and do this. I love that he had prayed about it and was able to receive revelation. I love that my husband holds the Priesthood and the power it contains. I love that my husband can give me blessings and that I am filled with so much calmness, love and understanding. It made such a difference in me making the decision to go to this program.
I have also come to this conclusion. Anger- no matter what type it is or who it is directed at- controls you. It can, if you let it, control every aspect of your life. It can destroy you. I have made a conscious decision to no longer let anger control me. More importantly, the anger towards my mother. The more anger I have, the more control she has over me. I am done being angry. Her lack of support in this process (she has not called me once since I have been in treatment) had me so angry that all I wanted to do was go get loaded. And ruin the last 11 days. Instead, I am no longer empowering her. If she does not want to get to know me, if she does not want to love me for who I am without trying to change me, if she doesn't support my decisions in life- then she will not be apart of my life. I even wanted to write her a letter to express how angry I am at her. In doing so, I would only put her in more control and that is what our whole relationship has been about... control. Well- that is now over. Through meditation, prayer, journaling, and therapy, my anger will slowly disappear as will the control she has over me.
So today ends with a new beginning in site.
And only 4 more days till I get to see my daddy and my step-mom! I can't wait!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Day 5 Powerlessness and Unmanageability
Apparently, unmanageability is not a word.....
Anyways, things are getting better everyday.
I am finding myself becoming happy again.
However, today after lunch, I felt as though all my withdrawal symptoms had returned.
I felt shaky, achy, tired, irritable, angry, and in so much pain tears were streaming down my face.
I'll see a doctor tomorrow morning in the day program at 830. Hopefully some resolution will come.
In the day program, we are given three assignments we must complete over the course of 2 weeks in order to transition (or move on).
Today I am doing assignment number one. And guess what it is called? You guessed it- Powerlessness and Unmanageability. I am writing it here because I feel like it might help in the following ways, 1) I will gain a better understanding and will have something to look back on and 2) because I want those who are supporting my life and the choices I am making to improve my life will also know how the progress is going.
I am no longer afraid to admit, I have a problem. I am no longer afraid to admit I need help. And last Sunday, when people told me that they would support me and be there for me- I took their word. As you will come to learn, support is how I will become successful over my disease. Which is what I have- simply that. A disease for which there is no cure.
Addiction is a very cunning and baffling disease. Addiction affects our lives in ways that addicts are unaware of.
As the addict enters treatment, it's necessary for them to begin to understand how their addiction was in control of their lives.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you understand how your disease has affected you and your life. If you use Nicotine, or gamble addictively, consider these as you work on your assignment. Please be as honest and thorough as possible.
A. HISTORY OF ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUG USE:
1) At what age and under what circumstances did you begin drinking or using other drugs?
13. To fit in with a friend who I thought was good for me.
2) At what period of your life did you begin planning and anticipating drinking and using
other drugs?
This one is a bit difficult. I was 17 in France to drink and started to use drugs at
age 19.
3) When did you first realize that drinking and using other drugs was becoming a problem?
Within the last year, as it started to affect my job and family relationships.
B. CONSEQUENCES
1) How has addiction affected your health?
I have gained weight, I have been unable to conceive children.
2) How has addiction affected your family?
My family is beyond worried. It has disappointed my family which hurts me. It has burned bridges that I am not sure will ever be repaired. Trust has been lost.
3) How has addiction affected your social life?
I have completely isolated myself. I have no friends beside those of my family.
4) How has addiction affected your finances?
It hasn't- but it would have had I continued down the path I was going.
5) What, if any, legal problems have you had because of addiction?
Luckily, none.
6) What psychological problems have you had due to addiction?
It has escalated my depression and caused my bipolar and borderline personality disorder to get out of control.
7) List any other consequences you've suffered because of addiction.
I have hurt those I love closest to me so much. My actions because I was loaded, almost caused my husband to leave me. My job, my schooling everything stopped so I could feed one addiction or another.
C. HAVE YOU TRIED TO STOP USING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS BEFORE? IF YES, WHAT IS DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
This time, I have support. I am no longer trying to hide my addiction and therefore it will be more difficult to relapse.
D. DRAW A PICTURE REPRESENTING YOUR POWERLESSNESS AND SHARE WITH THE GROUP.
This will not happen here for obvious reasons, but maybe I can find a picture.
E. WRITE A BRIEF LETTER TO SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU, WHICH MIGHT EXPRESS YOUR COMMITMENT TO RECOVERY.
For this particular instruction, I have two letters I felt were needed to be written.
Daddy,
I have always been your little girl. I always wanted to make you proud of me. My heart is shattered because I have let you down. My disease has taken control and I have lost perspective on what I need to accomplish in life. I have hurt you in ways I didn't know were possible and have heard you shed one too many tears. You are my hero, and through recovery I hope I become half of the person you are. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me and for being there and supporting me. Because you have chosen to be there for me and I have chosen to accept your support, I will recover.
Forever your baby girl,
Moe
Dearest baby of mine,
The moment I knew you were inside me, I loved you. You were the missing link to my family. We had waited so long for you to come. For us to have a child of God and to begin living our life together as a family. Because of my addiction and my inability to stop using narcotics, God chose to take you home. My world shattered and I felt so lost without you. I wanted so desperately to have you come into this world, to know a love only mother's feel. So today, I promise you, my sweet baby, that I am going to get better. I will recover from this disease so that I can prepare to be a mother, clean, sober and healthy one. I love you angel.
Mom
Anyways, things are getting better everyday.
I am finding myself becoming happy again.
However, today after lunch, I felt as though all my withdrawal symptoms had returned.
I felt shaky, achy, tired, irritable, angry, and in so much pain tears were streaming down my face.
I'll see a doctor tomorrow morning in the day program at 830. Hopefully some resolution will come.
In the day program, we are given three assignments we must complete over the course of 2 weeks in order to transition (or move on).
Today I am doing assignment number one. And guess what it is called? You guessed it- Powerlessness and Unmanageability. I am writing it here because I feel like it might help in the following ways, 1) I will gain a better understanding and will have something to look back on and 2) because I want those who are supporting my life and the choices I am making to improve my life will also know how the progress is going.
I am no longer afraid to admit, I have a problem. I am no longer afraid to admit I need help. And last Sunday, when people told me that they would support me and be there for me- I took their word. As you will come to learn, support is how I will become successful over my disease. Which is what I have- simply that. A disease for which there is no cure.
Addiction is a very cunning and baffling disease. Addiction affects our lives in ways that addicts are unaware of.
As the addict enters treatment, it's necessary for them to begin to understand how their addiction was in control of their lives.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you understand how your disease has affected you and your life. If you use Nicotine, or gamble addictively, consider these as you work on your assignment. Please be as honest and thorough as possible.
A. HISTORY OF ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUG USE:
1) At what age and under what circumstances did you begin drinking or using other drugs?
13. To fit in with a friend who I thought was good for me.
2) At what period of your life did you begin planning and anticipating drinking and using
other drugs?
This one is a bit difficult. I was 17 in France to drink and started to use drugs at
age 19.
3) When did you first realize that drinking and using other drugs was becoming a problem?
Within the last year, as it started to affect my job and family relationships.
B. CONSEQUENCES
1) How has addiction affected your health?
I have gained weight, I have been unable to conceive children.
2) How has addiction affected your family?
My family is beyond worried. It has disappointed my family which hurts me. It has burned bridges that I am not sure will ever be repaired. Trust has been lost.
3) How has addiction affected your social life?
I have completely isolated myself. I have no friends beside those of my family.
4) How has addiction affected your finances?
It hasn't- but it would have had I continued down the path I was going.
5) What, if any, legal problems have you had because of addiction?
Luckily, none.
6) What psychological problems have you had due to addiction?
It has escalated my depression and caused my bipolar and borderline personality disorder to get out of control.
7) List any other consequences you've suffered because of addiction.
I have hurt those I love closest to me so much. My actions because I was loaded, almost caused my husband to leave me. My job, my schooling everything stopped so I could feed one addiction or another.
C. HAVE YOU TRIED TO STOP USING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS BEFORE? IF YES, WHAT IS DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
This time, I have support. I am no longer trying to hide my addiction and therefore it will be more difficult to relapse.
D. DRAW A PICTURE REPRESENTING YOUR POWERLESSNESS AND SHARE WITH THE GROUP.
This will not happen here for obvious reasons, but maybe I can find a picture.
E. WRITE A BRIEF LETTER TO SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU, WHICH MIGHT EXPRESS YOUR COMMITMENT TO RECOVERY.
For this particular instruction, I have two letters I felt were needed to be written.
Daddy,
I have always been your little girl. I always wanted to make you proud of me. My heart is shattered because I have let you down. My disease has taken control and I have lost perspective on what I need to accomplish in life. I have hurt you in ways I didn't know were possible and have heard you shed one too many tears. You are my hero, and through recovery I hope I become half of the person you are. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me and for being there and supporting me. Because you have chosen to be there for me and I have chosen to accept your support, I will recover.
Forever your baby girl,
Moe
Dearest baby of mine,
The moment I knew you were inside me, I loved you. You were the missing link to my family. We had waited so long for you to come. For us to have a child of God and to begin living our life together as a family. Because of my addiction and my inability to stop using narcotics, God chose to take you home. My world shattered and I felt so lost without you. I wanted so desperately to have you come into this world, to know a love only mother's feel. So today, I promise you, my sweet baby, that I am going to get better. I will recover from this disease so that I can prepare to be a mother, clean, sober and healthy one. I love you angel.
Mom
Saturday, January 15, 2011
These last two days have been the worst.
I'm angry.
Really angry.
I'm hurting.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
I wanted my mom.
I wanted her support.
I needed her support.
Instead, I have realized that she is a trigger.
Our relationship is a trigger.
A trigger to use.
A trigger to get angry.
To be upset.
Am I not allowed to speak how I feel?
Am I supposed to bottle it all up?
Am I just supposed to just let it fester?
It is time to be selfish for a while.
I'm going to take care of me.
And I have all the support in the world.
Today was family/friends day.
My mother-in-law, father-in-law and husband all came.
They had a group without me
And then one with me.
My MIL afterwards said to me,
"I want to come to your NA meetings with you. I want to understand and to help you find your triggers."
My heart melted.
I feel better.
Less hurt.
My brother came in from Colorado.
To have him hug me, support me.
Even though I only saw him for two and a half hours.
It really meant so much to me.
So tonight, I sit back, relax.
Remember tomorrow is a new day.
And I am ok.
I'm angry.
Really angry.
I'm hurting.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
I wanted my mom.
I wanted her support.
I needed her support.
Instead, I have realized that she is a trigger.
Our relationship is a trigger.
A trigger to use.
A trigger to get angry.
To be upset.
Am I not allowed to speak how I feel?
Am I supposed to bottle it all up?
Am I just supposed to just let it fester?
It is time to be selfish for a while.
I'm going to take care of me.
And I have all the support in the world.
Today was family/friends day.
My mother-in-law, father-in-law and husband all came.
They had a group without me
And then one with me.
My MIL afterwards said to me,
"I want to come to your NA meetings with you. I want to understand and to help you find your triggers."
My heart melted.
I feel better.
Less hurt.
My brother came in from Colorado.
To have him hug me, support me.
Even though I only saw him for two and a half hours.
It really meant so much to me.
So tonight, I sit back, relax.
Remember tomorrow is a new day.
And I am ok.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Day 2/red dog
I don't have much to say today.
I'm exhausted.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
My little brother surprised me today.
He flew in from Colorado.
He hugged me so tight.
Tears are welling up in my eyes now.
This meant so much to me.
Tonight I hurt even more.
I'm starting to experience pain everywhere.
It has made me so tired.
I'm going to try and sleep now.
Tomorrow is a new day!
I'm exhausted.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
My little brother surprised me today.
He flew in from Colorado.
He hugged me so tight.
Tears are welling up in my eyes now.
This meant so much to me.
Tonight I hurt even more.
I'm starting to experience pain everywhere.
It has made me so tired.
I'm going to try and sleep now.
Tomorrow is a new day!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Day 1- Crazy/beautiful
Intake went well.
There were a lot questions.
A lot of answers.
Some talking.
My body aches.
They are helping me through withdrawals.
Tom is amazing.
I can't thank him enough for everything!
I'm so blessed to have him.
I still can't figure out what I did to deserve him.
Tomorrow it starts.
9 am.
Therapists, doctors, group,
I'm looking forward to it.
A new beginning.
Friends, family- THANK YOU
Your love, support, phone calls, emails, comments
It has been my saving grace
I thought plenty of times of leaving.
I thought, "I don't belong here."
Not with the herorin slinging, opiate overdosing people.
But I belong.
I meet with a friend of 4 years after therapy tomorrow.
I feel blessed to have him in my life.
Day 2 tomorrow- stay tuned.
There were a lot questions.
A lot of answers.
Some talking.
My body aches.
They are helping me through withdrawals.
Tom is amazing.
I can't thank him enough for everything!
I'm so blessed to have him.
I still can't figure out what I did to deserve him.
Tomorrow it starts.
9 am.
Therapists, doctors, group,
I'm looking forward to it.
A new beginning.
Friends, family- THANK YOU
Your love, support, phone calls, emails, comments
It has been my saving grace
I thought plenty of times of leaving.
I thought, "I don't belong here."
Not with the herorin slinging, opiate overdosing people.
But I belong.
I meet with a friend of 4 years after therapy tomorrow.
I feel blessed to have him in my life.
Day 2 tomorrow- stay tuned.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Cowboy Up
I start a new chapter in my life tomorrow.
It is a year for change and for better things to come.
However, I am so scared.
Scared of the unknown.
Scared of reactions.
Of how people will perceive me.
I thought I could be prolific and say something that I could look back on and think- wow, that was really deep -or- that was really insightful. It is not going to happen folks. I am too tired, hurting too much, and wanting this all to just go away. I want to wake up tomorrow and this all to be over. And I know thats not going to happen. I know there is a lot of work ahead of me. I know that this didn't happen overnight and so nothing is going to change overnight. But yet, I still just want it to just disappear. Maybe it is time I stop running. Maybe it is time, I buckle down, cowboy up and just do it. It is not going to make a difference right. All of these things are just going to be for the better right? The power of positive thinking.
I wish I could have someone hold me up and take care of me. I feel like breaking into a million pieces and just losing it right now. But I can't. I just have to be strong.
For those of you who don't know, and to save myself from lies, gossip and hurt, I am putting this out there----- I am starting rehab tomorrow. Hopefully this won't bite me 5 year later.
For the last year, I have been prescribed narcotics for a chronic back pain. It has gotten out of control, resulting in a very scary hospital visit in December and me blacking out. Now, I would like to say that I am not some crazy addict. I am not going and buying this stuff off the street, or online. I am not selling my household to provide for my addiction, these were given to me by medical professionals. I am recognizing I need some help. I need to learn how to manage my pain better. I need to find tools to deal with my bi-polar along with other issues I have had and have currently. This is not going to be easy. I don't foresee this being exactly what I think I had in mind, but it is all I can do.
On Sunday, my mother came over unexpectedly and got some very important people in my life on the phone to tell me how worried they were about me. I want people to know that they don't have to worry. I know they are family, I know they love me, but I don't want people to worry. I am going to be fine. I have an amazing support system at my finger tips and am doing ok with all that I am given. I worry that with these people worrying they are only going to cause themselves to get sick. So put your mind at ease. I am giving this to God- He will help me along the way.
I think now that I've said this out loud, that it has become a little easier. My heart is still racing. I am still thinking- what are these people going to think of me? How am I going to handle their judgement? But then I realize that- those that love me will not judge. And that I will have their support in battling through this. There is no need for the drama or any tears- just happiness that I am getting better and hopefully Tom and I can start a family.
Right now, I am going through withdrawal. My body aches. My back the most. I am getting a headache. I feel overwhelmed by all of this. But tomorrow is coming whether I like it or not- so at 1230 pm I am going through intake- with my husband by my side. A blessing in my heart. And God carrying me.
I will let you all know the outcome.
It is a year for change and for better things to come.
However, I am so scared.
Scared of the unknown.
Scared of reactions.
Of how people will perceive me.
I thought I could be prolific and say something that I could look back on and think- wow, that was really deep -or- that was really insightful. It is not going to happen folks. I am too tired, hurting too much, and wanting this all to just go away. I want to wake up tomorrow and this all to be over. And I know thats not going to happen. I know there is a lot of work ahead of me. I know that this didn't happen overnight and so nothing is going to change overnight. But yet, I still just want it to just disappear. Maybe it is time I stop running. Maybe it is time, I buckle down, cowboy up and just do it. It is not going to make a difference right. All of these things are just going to be for the better right? The power of positive thinking.
I wish I could have someone hold me up and take care of me. I feel like breaking into a million pieces and just losing it right now. But I can't. I just have to be strong.
For those of you who don't know, and to save myself from lies, gossip and hurt, I am putting this out there----- I am starting rehab tomorrow. Hopefully this won't bite me 5 year later.
For the last year, I have been prescribed narcotics for a chronic back pain. It has gotten out of control, resulting in a very scary hospital visit in December and me blacking out. Now, I would like to say that I am not some crazy addict. I am not going and buying this stuff off the street, or online. I am not selling my household to provide for my addiction, these were given to me by medical professionals. I am recognizing I need some help. I need to learn how to manage my pain better. I need to find tools to deal with my bi-polar along with other issues I have had and have currently. This is not going to be easy. I don't foresee this being exactly what I think I had in mind, but it is all I can do.
On Sunday, my mother came over unexpectedly and got some very important people in my life on the phone to tell me how worried they were about me. I want people to know that they don't have to worry. I know they are family, I know they love me, but I don't want people to worry. I am going to be fine. I have an amazing support system at my finger tips and am doing ok with all that I am given. I worry that with these people worrying they are only going to cause themselves to get sick. So put your mind at ease. I am giving this to God- He will help me along the way.
I think now that I've said this out loud, that it has become a little easier. My heart is still racing. I am still thinking- what are these people going to think of me? How am I going to handle their judgement? But then I realize that- those that love me will not judge. And that I will have their support in battling through this. There is no need for the drama or any tears- just happiness that I am getting better and hopefully Tom and I can start a family.
Right now, I am going through withdrawal. My body aches. My back the most. I am getting a headache. I feel overwhelmed by all of this. But tomorrow is coming whether I like it or not- so at 1230 pm I am going through intake- with my husband by my side. A blessing in my heart. And God carrying me.
I will let you all know the outcome.
Monday, January 3, 2011
P.S.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
You don't wanna hear about my resolutions- I just hope you can see the results.
XOXO
You don't wanna hear about my resolutions- I just hope you can see the results.
XOXO
Dutch Courage
Its been a while since I wrote. I would like to think of it as some big altering, mind blowing event that has kept me away- but it is not just that. I have simply had nothing to say. Nothing that would really have importance or impact. I would like to think that those of you who read my block would take away something. Maybe that is wishful thinking- but here I am writing- needing someone who understands.
I am at a huge crossroad. My being sick has brought me here. I have had more time to research- search out to God. To where I need to be. Where I always end up. Not matter how far I stray- I find myself back here at pleading, with my broken heart to repair it.
Yet, part of me just wants to give in. I hate that I am sick. I am sick physically in some aspects, but more so, I am sick mentally. I think that at least half of this battle is going towards depression, deep depression with deep anxiety. It is a fight every day to just get out of bed. Right now, if I get out by 9, I am doing great. I try and go get things accomplished so that my work doesn't question this illness as it has gone from depression, cellulites, infected ulcer, and a headache that made me lose my mind for 2 whole days, and now we are here.
Do I want to get better? Yes, but at what cost. I believe all the medicines are causing some of my problems, but I don't know which ones not to take- as I trusted these doctors to get me better. So I am going back to basics. I am taking just what I know I need. And pray that my body will put itself back on course and in just a week I will be feeling better. I don't plan on blogging- but maybe I should. *sigh*
Somethings just can't be said out loud. It is not politically correct. I am tired of trying to hold everything back. Yet, I stand here and post nothing. Nothing that could hurt anyone or hurt myself.
But I am going to try- to maybe enlightened you into my head. Write a journal based off nothing but my misunderstood over-dramatic self.
But you first have to know you are dealing with a crazy woman. There are times when I am careening shamelessly into oblivion. I love to run. But for the last little bit I have been here ready to fight this- not give up. I think it is Thomas. He keeps me pretty grounded and his passion for me. He is truly my soul mate. My illnesses will no longer be a reason as to why I cannot achieve great things. I will not longer let it be my crutch. I really want to make a life for him. And he deserves it.
I'll continue to keep you updated. Bill and Victoria get home tomorrow so Tom and I get to go back home :) I am excited to be back to out own little place. One day, I will put up pictures.
Night!!!!
I am at a huge crossroad. My being sick has brought me here. I have had more time to research- search out to God. To where I need to be. Where I always end up. Not matter how far I stray- I find myself back here at pleading, with my broken heart to repair it.
Yet, part of me just wants to give in. I hate that I am sick. I am sick physically in some aspects, but more so, I am sick mentally. I think that at least half of this battle is going towards depression, deep depression with deep anxiety. It is a fight every day to just get out of bed. Right now, if I get out by 9, I am doing great. I try and go get things accomplished so that my work doesn't question this illness as it has gone from depression, cellulites, infected ulcer, and a headache that made me lose my mind for 2 whole days, and now we are here.
Do I want to get better? Yes, but at what cost. I believe all the medicines are causing some of my problems, but I don't know which ones not to take- as I trusted these doctors to get me better. So I am going back to basics. I am taking just what I know I need. And pray that my body will put itself back on course and in just a week I will be feeling better. I don't plan on blogging- but maybe I should. *sigh*
Somethings just can't be said out loud. It is not politically correct. I am tired of trying to hold everything back. Yet, I stand here and post nothing. Nothing that could hurt anyone or hurt myself.
But I am going to try- to maybe enlightened you into my head. Write a journal based off nothing but my misunderstood over-dramatic self.
But you first have to know you are dealing with a crazy woman. There are times when I am careening shamelessly into oblivion. I love to run. But for the last little bit I have been here ready to fight this- not give up. I think it is Thomas. He keeps me pretty grounded and his passion for me. He is truly my soul mate. My illnesses will no longer be a reason as to why I cannot achieve great things. I will not longer let it be my crutch. I really want to make a life for him. And he deserves it.
I'll continue to keep you updated. Bill and Victoria get home tomorrow so Tom and I get to go back home :) I am excited to be back to out own little place. One day, I will put up pictures.
Night!!!!
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