Day 55
I am beginning to realize how important it is to take care of me.
For so long, I have been trying please everyone around me.
I want to fix everyone.
Take care of everyone.
That I forgot about me and what I need and want.
Slowly but surely, I am finding myself getting comfortable with me.
I am learning how to take care of me.
And it is harder than you think.
My main focus everyday is my husband.
What can I do to make him happy?
Does he know I love him?
How can I show him?
And this is how it is supposed to be.
Him in front of me.
Always.
But I am learning that sometimes, I just need to step away and be wih myself.
So I take a drive.
Sit out on the back porch.
Watch my own tv shows.
I had an experience yesterday at group that has made me focus on me.
I was explaining my last week and the events that had happened.
I cried when I talked about my sister and Moogs leaving.
I told them that I might be pregnant
And the mixed emotions I have about it.
(I am 6 days late- Saturday I test)
During break, my therapist took me into her office.
And she, very sternly, said "You can absolutely not have unprotected sex while you are on suboxen."
I was shocked!!!
Not only that, but my UA came back with benzos in my system.
I KNOW I have not taken any in at least 45 days.
I am not sure why my system won't just get rid of them.
And when I tell my therapist that I am not using, she looks at me like I am a big fat liar.
I felt like such a little person.
But then I realized I have to take care of me.
Right now, I am not sure if group is the best thing for me.
Maybe just going to meetings
And focusing on my recovery and my family.
So today, I will take care of me... and Tom... and Titan.
I will work on me.
I will worry about no one else.
Or what anyone else cares.
And those that love me for the person I am and am becoming
Will be apart of my life
Those that don't and choose not to
Will not be.
It will be as simple as that.
I need to focus on the more positive aspects of my life.
And that is a lot.
For I am one blessed wife, daughter, sister, friend, niece, granddaughter...etc.
<3
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Surrender
It is funny.
I have been praying so long to be a mommy.
And now that I am 5 days late, I am so scared.
I have taken two pregnancy tests, both negative.
Part of me is praying that "Aunt Flo" will arrive soon
The other part of me is so hopeful.
I read today, to just surrender to God, the things you have no control over.
This has been my most difficult battle.
My entire life.
I worry and stress over things I can't control.
I can't control Tom's work situation.
I can't control whether or not I get pregnant.
I can't control my mom.
My dad.
I just have to let go and let God.
But it is so hard.
I am learning though.
More now than ever before.
Just to surrender to God
And to trust in Him, in my Heavenly Father
That He will take care of me
Just like my own father does.
As I develop this deep, loving relationship with my Heavenly Father
I feel myself falling in love with Him.
It is different than falling in love my husband.
It is as though I have met my daddy.
My Comforter. My Best Friend.
I am three days behind on writing about my daily reflections.
Surrender.
Taking Care of Ourselves.
Living with Families.
I will do the other two in seperate posts.
Sorry for the long posts.
I just want to tell you everything thats going on.
All my love <3
I have been praying so long to be a mommy.
And now that I am 5 days late, I am so scared.
I have taken two pregnancy tests, both negative.
Part of me is praying that "Aunt Flo" will arrive soon
The other part of me is so hopeful.
I read today, to just surrender to God, the things you have no control over.
This has been my most difficult battle.
My entire life.
I worry and stress over things I can't control.
I can't control Tom's work situation.
I can't control whether or not I get pregnant.
I can't control my mom.
My dad.
I just have to let go and let God.
But it is so hard.
I am learning though.
More now than ever before.
Just to surrender to God
And to trust in Him, in my Heavenly Father
That He will take care of me
Just like my own father does.
As I develop this deep, loving relationship with my Heavenly Father
I feel myself falling in love with Him.
It is different than falling in love my husband.
It is as though I have met my daddy.
My Comforter. My Best Friend.
I am three days behind on writing about my daily reflections.
Surrender.
Taking Care of Ourselves.
Living with Families.
I will do the other two in seperate posts.
Sorry for the long posts.
I just want to tell you everything thats going on.
All my love <3
Monday, March 7, 2011
Peace and Fulfillment
I have had issues with anxiety for a long time.
I remember as a young kid, my mind racing.
And not the racing that most think of.
But the racing of the days events, playing in my head, too fast to comprehend.
Too fast, that I would shake, or become terrified.
It would race of the future.
My body would become tense.
I would feel like I was almost losing it.
And I wouldn't be able to sleep.
Now.
I am learning to manage it without perscription medication.
I have learned to breathe through it.
Through the tears I want to cry
Through the range of emotions I feel.
One of the best things about the day treatment program was the acupuncture.
We would sit and meditate after that for about a half hour.
Breathing in and out.
And letting our minds just rest.
I now love to meditate.
I try and do it everyday.
On the way to work.
Or on the way home.
Right before bed.
Any time I feel anxious.
I am also learning how important it is to rely on my Heavenly Father.
He will meet my needs.
He will make sure I am fulfilled.
I am learning so much about His love for me.
How much He loves me.
He is my Father and I am so blessed to know Him.
I find our relationship becoming deeper.
As I try and become the best person I can be,
He helps me in knowing that He will make sure I am ok.
No matter what happens in my life,
He will guide me.
He will protect me.
He will love me.
And He will meet my needs.
Maybe not in my time,
But definately in His.
I got to spend the weekend with my sister and my beautiful niece.
At 3, she is so smart.
I love watching her be so engaged in everything she does.
Her imagination amazes me.
The world is so beautiful through her eyes.
We splashed in puddles on our walk.
And pretended the blocks were a tower.
We watched Cinderlla.
And we were all princesses.
I got smooches and hugs.
Lots of "I love you"s
Man I am going to miss her something fierce.
But she reminded me how to look at life.
To just live it.
Fully.
And to remember that God will take care of me.
I remember as a young kid, my mind racing.
And not the racing that most think of.
But the racing of the days events, playing in my head, too fast to comprehend.
Too fast, that I would shake, or become terrified.
It would race of the future.
My body would become tense.
I would feel like I was almost losing it.
And I wouldn't be able to sleep.
Now.
I am learning to manage it without perscription medication.
I have learned to breathe through it.
Through the tears I want to cry
Through the range of emotions I feel.
One of the best things about the day treatment program was the acupuncture.
We would sit and meditate after that for about a half hour.
Breathing in and out.
And letting our minds just rest.
I now love to meditate.
I try and do it everyday.
On the way to work.
Or on the way home.
Right before bed.
Any time I feel anxious.
I am also learning how important it is to rely on my Heavenly Father.
He will meet my needs.
He will make sure I am fulfilled.
I am learning so much about His love for me.
How much He loves me.
He is my Father and I am so blessed to know Him.
I find our relationship becoming deeper.
As I try and become the best person I can be,
He helps me in knowing that He will make sure I am ok.
No matter what happens in my life,
He will guide me.
He will protect me.
He will love me.
And He will meet my needs.
Maybe not in my time,
But definately in His.
I got to spend the weekend with my sister and my beautiful niece.
At 3, she is so smart.
I love watching her be so engaged in everything she does.
Her imagination amazes me.
The world is so beautiful through her eyes.
We splashed in puddles on our walk.
And pretended the blocks were a tower.
We watched Cinderlla.
And we were all princesses.
I got smooches and hugs.
Lots of "I love you"s
Man I am going to miss her something fierce.
But she reminded me how to look at life.
To just live it.
Fully.
And to remember that God will take care of me.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Be Who You Are
I have been reading a book my mother gave me 8 years ago.
Its called, "The Language of Letting Go"
She has been trying to get me to read this book for years.
I never understood why.
It just seemed to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo and I didn't need to read that.
Nor did I want to.
But now, after all I have gone through.
And am going through, I have decided to read it.
And I even purchased one for my mother in law.
With the hopes that we could read it together and get something out of it together.
And we have.
I find my MIL changing in ways that are unexpected.
I find myself, agreeing with much of what this books has to say.
It seems to know me quite well.
Each day, is a new subject, all relating to the 12 step program.
Each day, it has me focus on a new topic.
And I am going to start writing each day my interpretation of what was written.
Today- it was BE WHO YOU ARE.
I am just now finding out who I really am.
For so long, I have hid under masks and pain.
I hid behind my smile and my "happiness."
Growing up we were told to keep what happens in the house inside the house.
I figured this also meant my anger, pain and anxiety.
When I walked out the front door, I put on my happy face and pretended like nothing was wrong most of the time.
I would be made fun of at school (fat cow with red hair and being mooed at while I was walking down the hall) and I refused to let them see my cry.
So I would just go home and cry myself to sleep.
I figured I had to be someone completetly different in order for people to like me.
Including my family.
More so, my mom.
I had to be the perfect daughter, and when that didn't work, I tried to get her attention by being horrible.
I would sneak out.
Sneak around.
Lie.
Cheat.
Steal.
Just so she would pay attention.
It never worked.
So I just pushed harder.
I remember once telling a girl in elementary school that my Uncle Johnny had brought me a monkey from some far off land just so she would come over and stay the night.
That night, my Uncle Dick passed away.
And I couldn't cry, not in front of this girl.
When all hell broke loose, I couldn't tell anyone.
Life was happy.
I was happy.
But secretly, severely depressed, cutting and hurting myself.
My emotions inside were so strong, that one night my dad had to sit on me to calm me down.
I would get so upset and cry so hard not being able to breathe.
I felt so misunderstood.
I had no idea who I was.
I have spent the last 10 years trying to figure it out.
And I think I am finally figuring it out.
And for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy.
I have realized that I need to be thankful for what I have.
Not to focus on the negative things in my life.
Not to try and change people, but to love them for them.
I have learned to love myself, even with all the flaws I have.
I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin.
And to not change myself around people.
They will love me for me, and if they don't they are missing out.
There will be no more lies.
Just to keep people around.
There will be no more stories.
Just to have people like me.
I am learning to be brutally honest
Even if it hurts me, or the other person.
Its not worth it.
There will be no more negative thoughts.
Even about people that hurt me or upset me.
I will pray for good things to happen to everyone.
Last night, I saw a different side of my MIL.
She was reading me some of the things she had written after reading her daily devotional from our book.
In one instance, I saw my grandmother.
It was the look on her face
And the things she said
As well as the sound of her voice
That took me back to when my grandmother would sit and talk to me
Provide advice and assistance
With her voice strong
And confident, I found myself tearing up
And being so grateful for these passionate, wonderful women of God that I have in my life.
Going through this journey has opened my eyes to so much.
I really want to open up a recovery center when I finish school.
A recovery center for teens AND thier families.
I believe that if Tom and Victoria were not here to support me,
I would not be so strong in my own recovery.
I believe having support from the families will only allow us to recover better and have a better chance of not going back.
I think that the family needs to understand the addiction and what goes on when one is addicted to a drug.
There are so many things that happen when someone is an addict
So many things that most don't know or understand.
I am blessed that my MIL has chosen to come to family and friends night in my early recovery group.
She is there every night I am there.
She will sit and listen and answer questions.
It is amazing to see how much she truly cares about me and wants me to get better.
I am so blessed to have her on this journey with me
And that she is getting something out of it to.
Who would have thought?
So here I am.
Bare.
Naked (not really).
This is me.
Will you still have me?
Its called, "The Language of Letting Go"
She has been trying to get me to read this book for years.
I never understood why.
It just seemed to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo and I didn't need to read that.
Nor did I want to.
But now, after all I have gone through.
And am going through, I have decided to read it.
And I even purchased one for my mother in law.
With the hopes that we could read it together and get something out of it together.
And we have.
I find my MIL changing in ways that are unexpected.
I find myself, agreeing with much of what this books has to say.
It seems to know me quite well.
Each day, is a new subject, all relating to the 12 step program.
Each day, it has me focus on a new topic.
And I am going to start writing each day my interpretation of what was written.
Today- it was BE WHO YOU ARE.
I am just now finding out who I really am.
For so long, I have hid under masks and pain.
I hid behind my smile and my "happiness."
Growing up we were told to keep what happens in the house inside the house.
I figured this also meant my anger, pain and anxiety.
When I walked out the front door, I put on my happy face and pretended like nothing was wrong most of the time.
I would be made fun of at school (fat cow with red hair and being mooed at while I was walking down the hall) and I refused to let them see my cry.
So I would just go home and cry myself to sleep.
I figured I had to be someone completetly different in order for people to like me.
Including my family.
More so, my mom.
I had to be the perfect daughter, and when that didn't work, I tried to get her attention by being horrible.
I would sneak out.
Sneak around.
Lie.
Cheat.
Steal.
Just so she would pay attention.
It never worked.
So I just pushed harder.
I remember once telling a girl in elementary school that my Uncle Johnny had brought me a monkey from some far off land just so she would come over and stay the night.
That night, my Uncle Dick passed away.
And I couldn't cry, not in front of this girl.
When all hell broke loose, I couldn't tell anyone.
Life was happy.
I was happy.
But secretly, severely depressed, cutting and hurting myself.
My emotions inside were so strong, that one night my dad had to sit on me to calm me down.
I would get so upset and cry so hard not being able to breathe.
I felt so misunderstood.
I had no idea who I was.
I have spent the last 10 years trying to figure it out.
And I think I am finally figuring it out.
And for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy.
I have realized that I need to be thankful for what I have.
Not to focus on the negative things in my life.
Not to try and change people, but to love them for them.
I have learned to love myself, even with all the flaws I have.
I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin.
And to not change myself around people.
They will love me for me, and if they don't they are missing out.
There will be no more lies.
Just to keep people around.
There will be no more stories.
Just to have people like me.
I am learning to be brutally honest
Even if it hurts me, or the other person.
Its not worth it.
There will be no more negative thoughts.
Even about people that hurt me or upset me.
I will pray for good things to happen to everyone.
Last night, I saw a different side of my MIL.
She was reading me some of the things she had written after reading her daily devotional from our book.
In one instance, I saw my grandmother.
It was the look on her face
And the things she said
As well as the sound of her voice
That took me back to when my grandmother would sit and talk to me
Provide advice and assistance
With her voice strong
And confident, I found myself tearing up
And being so grateful for these passionate, wonderful women of God that I have in my life.
Going through this journey has opened my eyes to so much.
I really want to open up a recovery center when I finish school.
A recovery center for teens AND thier families.
I believe that if Tom and Victoria were not here to support me,
I would not be so strong in my own recovery.
I believe having support from the families will only allow us to recover better and have a better chance of not going back.
I think that the family needs to understand the addiction and what goes on when one is addicted to a drug.
There are so many things that happen when someone is an addict
So many things that most don't know or understand.
I am blessed that my MIL has chosen to come to family and friends night in my early recovery group.
She is there every night I am there.
She will sit and listen and answer questions.
It is amazing to see how much she truly cares about me and wants me to get better.
I am so blessed to have her on this journey with me
And that she is getting something out of it to.
Who would have thought?
So here I am.
Bare.
Naked (not really).
This is me.
Will you still have me?
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Will this ever end?
As I see more friends, family and coworkers get pregnant
I can't help but feel like a piece is missing.
As happy (truly and deeply) as I am for all of them
I'm also green with envy.
My heart aches.
I wonder if my time will ever come?
I can't believe how much this hurts.
I KNOW today would not be a good time to get pregnant.
I KNOW I need to get better in order to have a childZ
Raise a child.
Be a mother.
The kind of mother I want to be.
I don't want to hurt my children because Of my issues.
I want them to have all the things they need.
And some of the things they want.
I just feel like something is missing.
And the hurt only tends to come when I think about having a baby bump.
When I think about how it would feel to see my baby for the first time.
How would I feel when I hear it's heartbeat?
Or when I see my baby for the first time?
I'm so grateful that I have the chance to experience this with all of my friends and family
And I know that God will bless us when we are ready.
It's just hard to be so patient.
To wait.
To not think about how it would be or could be.
To not wish.
To not dream.
In the meantime, I'm trying to fill my plate full.
School in the fall.
A year and a half (spring summer fall) until I have a BA in social work.
Then onto a master's.
Then a PH.D.
Possible with kids?
Yes.
How do I know?
My sister is doing it.
She amazes me.
Her tenacity and strength has always been some of her best qualities.
When she wants something, she works hard to get it.
I'm so thankful she is someone I can look up to.
She also made this beautiful baby.
I hope to see them soon.
I am finally setting goals again.
I'm not stopping until they are reached.
I'm making myself proud of me and what I've accomplished.
And I feel like for the first time in a long time that it is all going to be possible.
I can't help but feel like a piece is missing.
As happy (truly and deeply) as I am for all of them
I'm also green with envy.
My heart aches.
I wonder if my time will ever come?
I can't believe how much this hurts.
I KNOW today would not be a good time to get pregnant.
I KNOW I need to get better in order to have a childZ
Raise a child.
Be a mother.
The kind of mother I want to be.
I don't want to hurt my children because Of my issues.
I want them to have all the things they need.
And some of the things they want.
I just feel like something is missing.
And the hurt only tends to come when I think about having a baby bump.
When I think about how it would feel to see my baby for the first time.
How would I feel when I hear it's heartbeat?
Or when I see my baby for the first time?
I'm so grateful that I have the chance to experience this with all of my friends and family
And I know that God will bless us when we are ready.
It's just hard to be so patient.
To wait.
To not think about how it would be or could be.
To not wish.
To not dream.
In the meantime, I'm trying to fill my plate full.
School in the fall.
A year and a half (spring summer fall) until I have a BA in social work.
Then onto a master's.
Then a PH.D.
Possible with kids?
Yes.
How do I know?
My sister is doing it.
She amazes me.
Her tenacity and strength has always been some of her best qualities.
When she wants something, she works hard to get it.
I'm so thankful she is someone I can look up to.
She also made this beautiful baby.
I hope to see them soon.
I am finally setting goals again.
I'm not stopping until they are reached.
I'm making myself proud of me and what I've accomplished.
And I feel like for the first time in a long time that it is all going to be possible.
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