43 and counting.... still

Day 43.

I am feeling great.
I am doing great.
Work is going seemless.
It is so nice to be back.
I have something to look forward to everyday now.
Although I miss sleeping in and cuddling with my hubby all day long.

I am learning to work through some very hard issues.
And sometimes I take on a little too much at a time.
It seems like I just need to figure out how to just do the one day at a time thing.
But I am such a planner
And even more so, I am now so excited for the future.
I am excited that both Tom and I will be in school next semester.
I am excited that this is a new year, full of new possibilities.
I am excited that I am doing all of this.

My back has been hurting a lot this last week.
I think it might be the FREEZING cold weather we are having here.
Snow was even forcasted!!!! That hasn't happened since the 70's.
I also think, I am sitting a lot more.
Thats what I do at work.
Sit.
So when I go in for my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, we will see what we can do to get me comfortable. Because I don't want to go back to using pain meds. It just isn't worth it.

Also, on Thursday, when I went to group, my therapist pulled me aside afterwards to tell me that I still have benzos (valium, xanax, etc) in my system. I haven't taken any in over 30 days. They gave me some when I was first coming off the pain medication, but I haven't had any since then. I am not sure what my body is saying or doing, but I am really trying not to stress about it too much. At first, it was difficult, so I called my sponser and talked things out. I really don't want to mess this up, so I am really doing everything I can to work this and get better. I am reading everyday and taking it all in. I think maybe tonight I will go to a meeting. I haven't been to one all week.

So there you have it. Day 43. I feel pretty proud of myself. *while still trying to remail humble, because I couldn't do this without Him or the people supporting me*

P.S. Tom is doing great! He is taking two classes a week now and working. I am so proud of him! He really is the light of my life, my soulmate, my best friend. He really does know how to take care of me and love me. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

King of Anything

My mother has been on my mind the last few days.
Its sad that I can't just call her and tell her that I am thinking about her.
But right now, it wouldn't be healthy.
There is nothing to say to her, but that I am hurting.
That I am mad that she has chosen to not be here for me.
That once again, I am without my mother in a time in my life where I need her.

It almost makes me laugh how she blames this one me-
How I am the one who told her to stay out of my life.
Now, I am not even a mom yet-
But I know if my daughter was going through half of the things I was going through-
That no matter how she felt about me-
I would be there.
(I also told her that on my second day of detoxing- which is by far the worst pain I've been in in my life thus far)

And it makes me think of so many things when I think of her.
It makes me think of the time I flew out here when she had kidney stones.
I had my father's credit card number
And was worried that my mom didn't have any to take care of here-
So I had her co-worker pick me up from the airport
And I spent the weekend taking care of my mom.

Or when I got home from France.
No house, no dogs, no family.
And she chose not to be there when I got home.
Being out in California doing who knows what with whom rather than being there to greet her daughter who she had not seen in 10 months.
It broke my heart.

I know that is had taken me this long to really believe that she treats me differently-
Even though I've had quite a few people tell me so.
Those who were looking in from the outside.
Those who couldn't do anything as they watched her treat me less or love me less
And all I could do was do anything to get her attention.
And that even failed.
I did all the wrong things to get to her to notice me.

Things were good.
But only because I chose them to be.
I tried to become the daughter she wanted me to be.
But I failed.
I have failed a lot when it comes to her.

I didn't graduate school.
I am not skinny.
I have issues.
I am not perfect.
And I am not doing the drama anymore.

I can't figure out how to stop going in the cycle.
I've been down this road so many times-
And just when I think I got passed it-
Here it is again....
Haunting me.
And I just want it to stop... NOW!

I am ready to move on with my life.
I am ready to have people love me for me.
I am ready to have people not try and change me.
I am good person.
I have a lot of things people love about me.


Here's my song at the moment:

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown

~King of Anything
Sara Bareilles

36 and getting higher

Day 36

Not much has happened in the last 7 or so days. We celebrated Tom's birthday and I got him tickets to Linkin Park. He deserved to go and have some fun after the last 4 or so months. So Tuesday, he will be going with his little brother to the concert in San Jose. I hope he has a blast! I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets home!

I got a sponser. Her name is Wendee. She has been in recovery for 22 years. She is very understanding and has some great advice to offer. I am really enjoying knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Sometimes it feels really lonely. But everyday is getting better and I am getting stronger.

I can't believe this started over a month ago and how far I have come since then. I have been going to groups and then to meetings. My life is busy because I have started back to work. I have really missed work as hard as that may be to believe. I feel like I am accomplishing something. And that makes a difference in my self-worth. I am hoping over the next few months- to really show my boss how dedicated I am to this job. I really want to move up.

I have also started to prepare for college again. Next semester I will go back. Now it is just a matter of where I will go. I just got my transcripts from the University of Utah. I can't wait to get started. My whole life is changing and I am really loving the change that is coming.

Wednesday and Thursday, my grandmother's celebrated their birthdays. I can't tell you how thankful I am that they were born. They both mean so much to me. Their wisdom and unconditional love inspires me to do so many things. I can't wait to make them proud(er) and be the best granddaughter. They deserve that. I sure do miss them so much. I love you both so much! Thank you for always being there.

I am doing great. The support I get from my MIL is amazing. She comes to family group every night. We are reading a book together and discussing it as often as we can. We are really opening up to each other and I have found a friend in her too. She isn't just my MIL. She is my friend, my confider, and my spiritual mother. I have learned so much about the Church and about the role of a woman in the Church and how important that role is. Victoria has such a wonderful spirit and she just lights up when she talks about it. I find myself in awe of her, her determination, and her ability to want to change to make herself better.

I really am trying to find positive things about what has happened over the last few months, and I think one of them is my relationship with God, my MIL and my husband have grown tremdously. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I am trying to rebuild myself and only the good parts to shine through. It hasn't been easy, but I am doing it. I am doing it for me. For my husband. For my God. I am happy. I getting happier everyday. I am proud of myself. I am doing better than I have in a long time. I am going to make the best of this time- of this treatment.

They say it takes between 7-10 years to fully recover, even though it will be a life long battle. I am taking it on full force and will beat this thing. My cravings are few and far between. My mood is mostly happy. My heart is slowly mending itself and I am moving away from the past. However, I know that I will deal with it once again when I start working the steps. I will start that after 30 days with my sponser.

Well its time to go.

XOXO

29

29 days.
I am not sure how much longer I will count for- but it still makes me feel like I have accomplished something when I can say- I have been clean and sober for 29 days.

For those of you who choose to read it, I am glad that you do, for very rarely do I sugarcoat what I have to say. For those of you who think I shouldn't put my world out there for others to read, well, I'm sorry you think that way, but this is for me. I have to write this out. And for the most part, it is usually just to keep my family and friends, far and wide, updated on how I am doing. However, there are times that I just need to vent. And that is what I am going to do today.

This morning started out pretty good. It is Tom's birthday. He is 25 today! I am so grateful he was born. I dropped him off at his welding class at 8 and then pulled over to call my sister. I was told by her husband that I am stressing my sister out and when I am ready to accept responsibility for my actions then I can call the house (this is not verbatim but very close to what he said). And then he hung up on me. There was no explanation, as I have talked to my sister on a few different occasions. One conversation, the day before my birthday, was a disagreeable one. We were discussing quite a few things in which we both disagreed on, but I didn't think it put a dent in our relationship as she called back the next day to wish me a happy birthday and then called two more times before I left Houston. However, since then, I haven't heard from her. And when I call today, I get that.

I am beyond frustrated. My sister and my mother are the ones who decided to place the "intervention". They are the ones that said, "we love you and we are here for you no matter what and we want you to get help." Yet, the support I have gotten from them since the day of the intervention has been little to none. Or at least, that is how I see it. Is it because I didn't go to the place they wanted me to go to? What was the purpose for the intervention if you aren't going to be here for me and help me by supporting me?

I will have to work on a lot of issues. One day, along the road to recovery, I will get to my past. And then I will write letters, and apologize to those I have hurt because of my addiction. But today, because I am still so new to sobriety and because just recently did I start working on myself. I need to focus on me now. I can't focus on my relationships with other people (besides my Heavenly Father and husband). I can't fix anything right now. I can't expect to change for people or to try and change people. I need to set boundaries and have people in my life willing to accept those. Now maybe, the people who have not been there to support me, when in the beginning said they would (instead I have been told what a horrible daughter, sister, person, wife I am), just need to get some education on what it is like to be an addict, to admit that you have a disease (an incurable disease at that) and to have to work through the program. And you can say, I have worked the program a thousand times, but you haven't worked it with me. You haven't gone done the path with me. And YES THIS TIME IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!

I plead that you will get to a point where you want to get to know me again- as I am changing, all the time, everyday. I am going to be a completely different person when I am done here. I believe that only those who have stuck close by me, helped me, held my hand, called me, emailed me, let me vent to them, and cried with me, are going to be the ones that only know the changes that have come and are coming. I have to change everything about me in order to beat this. I have to change habits and ways of thinking. If I wear my watch on my left hand, I need to start wearing it on my right. My routine in the shower is changing. EVERYTHING is changing. I AM CHANGING!

I am grateful that after I got off the phone with my sister's husband, I was able to reach out to my dad, who just comforted me. He gave me no explanation, just listened to me. And then told me not to put too much worry into it. He then asked me how I was doing and I told I was doing pretty great. He said I sounded much better. I am so glad I decided to go. I am glad that my sister reached out and so did my mother. I am glad that mi tia and Nina and seester all asked me to get help. I am thankful that my father told me to listen to my husband, as the addict in me didn't want to go. I am grateful that my husband, who knows me the best, after prayer and thought, told me he thought it would be a good idea to go. I am grateful that after I talked to my sister's husband, that the hurt I felt, and the immediate response to use to take away that hurt, was interrupted by the fact that I told my MIL I would be over there this morning to get help on a letter that I needed to write. When I called her this morning, it was to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to come over and I was going to find something, anything to use- whether it be my medicine I have now, or to call up a friend who would know a friend. But when I heard her voice, I decided to come over and I broke down. I was so hurt and saddened. And I almost lost what I have had control over for 29 days.

It still all hurts. But everyday, I am getting better. And I don't have to have anyone here beside me to do this, because I am strong enough to do this on my own, but for those of you who have been here and who continue to be here, I wouldn't want to do this without you. You all have given me so much strength and has made all the difference so thank you. I am doing really well besides my rant above. I am returning to work on the 16th and am so ready to go back. I am so ready to start school too. This next year is going to be amazing!

I hope all is well with you and yours!
XOXO

27 days.

I feel like I have so much to write about. The emotions right now are overwhelming. I didn't know a person could feel so many emotions at one time.... but here I am... Searching to just pick out one emotion and focus on that one for today.

I think that is what I have been doing but not doing it with conscience.
Yesterday, I had the most amazing break through.
I had to share my story yesterday.
What brought me to this place.
And my story doesn't start with how I became dependant on pain medication
It started a long time ago.

It's hard to tell your own story
At least it was for me.
I had no idea where to begin.
When did it all seem to just turn around?
December 24 1992, maybe.
Was I ever truly happy as a chid?
You betcha!
Was the sadness and anguish I felt inside real?
No doubt.
When my daddy would leave to go on a trip, was my fear of him never coming home real?
Absolutely!
It was weird this time.... When I left my daddy in Houston I didn't shed a single tear.
In fact, I didn't cry for a few days after I got home and I started to miss him.

I find myself growing in ways I did not know or understand.
Tom says I am happier.
I feel happier.
God continues to show His mercy even when I feel so undeserving of His blessings.
I feel the Spirit so close to me.

I'm working on me right now, trying hard not to focus on the past.
I have set my boundaries.
I have applied for school.
Did my FASFA.
Qualified for a Pell Grant.
I'll be starting next fall.

I'm starting over.
Change is coming.
Change has begun.
I'm changing.
Everyone around me is changing.
It is the most terrifying thing yet I am so excited to see what is to come.

I have to admit, as much as this hurts, that I am glad that God has not given us a child to raise yet.
As I fight this battle, this disease that has infected me for so long, I know I could not properly care for a child.
I have to win this battle.
(Even though, I'll be fighting a war for the rest of my life)
I believe once my body is healthy and clean.
Once my focus has been turned to giving the child of God the love it deserves
Then and only the do I believe we will become parents.

My fingers are turning numb as I write this underneath the stars.
It is late and I am worn.
But just so you know....
I'm ok.