Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Bane of my Existence aka Cellulitis

On Thursday November 4th, I got what I thought was a pimple in the middle of my forehead. No big deal I thought.

Well by Sunday the 7th... this is what my forehead looked like:


I thought I had an ear infection as right in front of my ear was in so much pain (the lymph nodes), it hurt to touch the bone from my eyebrow to my ear. And I had such a horrible headache. My mother in law took me to the doctor to be diganosed with a skin infection called cellulites. Possibly caused by a spider bite.

Not two days later the swelling in my face had overtaken my face and this is what I looked like then:



We went to the hospital. It was bad. I received antibiotics through an IV and was told that it would get worse before it got better- but I was not prepared for what would happen.

Over the next two weeks, the infection spread. It landed me in the hospital three days and has now kept me from working, living, feeling well for almost a month now.

This last Saturday, I was given yet another antibiotic as the infection has not gone away (although I no longer look like a Klingon) and I went into anaphylactic shock. My mother in law rushed me to the ER where I received treatment- but it was by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I was also told that the infection might have spread to one of my organs (spleen, kidneys or liver). They took me off the antibiotics and put me on steroids and was told that I needed to be seen by the infectious disease clinic. Awesome. That appointment is on Friday morning.

In the meantime, we have been at my amazing in-laws house. Our car started leaking anti-freeze this week. We took it in this morning to find out that the water gasket is leaking and needs to be replaced. Another awesome thing. It will cost around $600.00 and we are so thankful to have family that is able to help us. Thanks Daddy- it means a lot to have your help!!!

I can honestly say that I have never been more ready to go back to work. Hopefully the doctor's release me on Friday to return to work Monday.

But more importantly than all of that, my testimony has grown so much.
We have had to rely on God during this trail.
I am not working.
Tom is getting as many hours as possible, but it still isn't enough.
We have so many people praying for me, that it is as though I can feel each one.
I have never been happier than I am right now.
I feel like everything is ok- even when I know I have never been more sick than I am right now.
Tom and I feel so blessed to have God's mercy being granted to us everyday.


I wanted to share this story with you all. It has changed my life. This sickness has made me depend on my Heavenly Father more than ever before.

With 5 trips to the ER and a hospital stay- along with a CT scan, we knew that the medical bills were going to be more than we could handle. It was by far the biggest stress on both Tom and I. The last visit on Saturday was extremely emotional.

When I got admitted into the hospital Tom and I filed an application with our medical provider to get some financial assistance. We were told it would take a month to be processed and we would be notified by mail. Ok.

So- back to Saturday night after my allergic reaction to the medication..... after I was released we had to go pick up my medication (2 epi-pens (just in case something happened again) and steroids). Now Tom and I literally had just enough to pay tithing, get milk and toilet paper and gas for the rest of the week. When I saw how much it was going to be for the medication (even with insurance, it was expensive) Tom and I would have nothing left. By the grace of God and some help, we have been able to pay our bills and rent for the month, but that was it, we had nothing else to give. I almost started to freak out. I looked at Tom and was almost in tears when the pharmacist said, "It looks like you filed some paperwork." We had been approved for the financial assistance. All of the hospital visits, the medication, the hospital stay, EVERYTHING, was going to be covered. When we got home, there was the letter letting us know we would be covered until January. We immediately prayed and thanked the Lord for once again delivering us.

While this has been the most trying thing I have ever had to deal with, it has also brought Tom and I so much closer. We have also become closer to our Heavenly Father. I am so very grateful for all of the prayers and blessings we have received. I am so very thankful for Tom's amazing family. They have been incredibly generous and selfless. Tom's mom has gone above and beyond the call of mother in law. She has held my hand as they tried to lance my forehead. She has read to me and held me close. I can never repay her for what she has given to me. For what she has done for Tom and I. I also cannot ever thank my father and step-mother enough for all they have done. The calls and the texts as well as helping us with our car has meant so much to both of us. It has really helped make this whole ordeal better. My family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brother and sisters, friends and members of the church have done more for us then we could ever ask for. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

So I just want to say thank you. Thank you for the prayers. For the phone calls. The emails. The texts. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts. It is more than we could ever ask for. We are eternally grateful.

I see the infectious disease doctor at 8:45 am on Friday. I will update this as soon as I know what is going on. <3

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Homesick

It is always about this time of the year- where I find myself homesick.
And even though my home is long gone (my childhood home) and there isn't a place that I can call my home right now (other than my apartment), I crave what life used to be during the holiday season.

I recall one of my favorite childhood memories:
We were going to Salt Lake City for Christmas.
We had to take two cars. We had so much stuff.
So my daddy and I drove in the red jeep wagoner all the way to SLC.
We listened to George Strait tapes.
I feel asleep with my head in his lap.
We talked and had the best time.


I just want to be with my family.
I miss my daddy.
I miss both sets of grandparents.
I miss my brother and sister.
I miss my aunts and uncles.


I miss my friends.
I don't have many here.
And I miss those nights when everyone was together
When I had people to talk to
Hang out with
Enjoy life with.

I guess this is all part of growing up-
But I'd give my right arm right now to have my family close by.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

My Daddy

Since it is the month of November- I am going to be writing each day- about something I am thankful for. Today it is this man:



My Daddy! The first man in my life. The one who has picked me up a thousand times. Who has loved me unconditionally and who has been my number one fan! I am truly blessed to have him in my life.



Growing up, my dad had to be gone a lot. He sacrificed so much so that he could provide for his family. But when he was home, he was the best dad in the world. I would always cry and beg him not to leave. I never wanted to be without him. I still don't. My eyes are filling with tears now as I write about how amazing my father is. I miss him a lot.



If I become half of the person he is, I will be a wonderful woman. I am proud to be his daughter. I love him with all my heart and won't ever miss the opportunity to tell him that. But in case he wasn't sure, Daddy- I love you. You mean the world to me. And I am so glad that God chose you to be my father. You have done a great job with me and I will make you so very proud of me. Just you wait and see. I love you.

Forever your baby girl,

Moe

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Re:Progress

So-
Here is what I learned today at group.

Feelings and moods are different.
Feelings are like the weather *today it is warm*
Moods are like the climate *it is fall*
Feelings change frequently.
Moods tend to last a while- but shouldn't last forever.

Your feelings are like the waves in the ocean.
They come from no where- last but a brief moment and then disappear.

When I feel something, anything, I need to stop and recognize that feeling.
I am not to become that feeling for that feeling is not me.
Once I know what I am feeling, I need to find out how it got me there.
What was I thinking that made me feel this way?

Does this sound basic?
I feel like I have never learned this before.
Or maybe I did learn and just chose not to utilize it.
I am learning how to not let my feelings control me.
And I feel like this is something I should have learned a long time ago.
Why am I just learning it now?

I told my doctor today about how I feel like I have lost my mother.
He said, "Of course you do, but that is your feeling, which is irrational, and through group you'll learn how to control that."
There will be a lot of groups to come.
I plan on going to 2-3 a week.

I am ready to be better.
I am ready to become the best person I can.

My dear Nina reminded me today that regardless of how I feel about myself, I am still a good person.
I have made mistakes *most of us do*
But I know that the person I once was, is gone.
I am no longer doing things to please everyone else.
I am now focusing on me, and my husband and our eternal family.
I will only be true to myself.
That is all I can do.
Merci ma grandmere pour me dire que je suis magnefic. Je t'aime avec tout mon coeur.
I am really glad she reminded me of that.
Thank you.

Goodnight world- brownies, How to Train a Dragon and my husband are all waiting for me. :)

Progress

I have a meeting with my psychologist today.
And then group.
I have only gone to group one other time, but my doctor is sure it will help me.

I am overwhelmed.
Something that the doctor says is normal.
It is the borderline personality disorder.
My emotions tend to overwhelm me.
And then I am stuck.
Here.

Now it is time to learn how to not let my emotions overwhelm me and take control.
I am not sure if I am ready to face this battle.
However, I know I have to.
It is the only way I am going to get better.
It is the only way I will improve my relationships.


I know this is going to bring up some not-so-good memories.
I know it is going to hurt first and then help later.
I know.
But I still don't feel prepared.
I feel unsure.
I feel alone in this battle *although I know I am not*

Lately, things have been tough.
I will acknowledge that part of it is my own fault.
I chose this road.
And now I must accept the consequences.
As hard as that is to swallow.

The other part.
My mother.
I got a text from her last week.
It went something like this:
Call State Farm about claim. I will call andy and have you removed from my policy. I forgot about it, but since I am no longer apart of your family.

How do I take this?
What mother says that to her own daughter?
In turn, my feelings have been this:
I have lost my mother. *Maybe I never had her*
I feel like I have to grieve her loss.
I am so sad.
And yet, I know that this is my only option.

I have had so many people validate this.
My doctor says that I can't be apart of her sickness.
I have to move on.
Yet, I am stuck.
As always.
How do I just carry on and let go?
I guess that is what I will learn throughout my progress with my doctor.

I have so many people be so supportive.
I am so thankful for those people.
I am so thankful for my amazing husband.
He has stuck by me through all of this.
I can only imagine what I have put him through, but this is what unconditional love is.
And my grandparents *both sets*, my aunt, my sister and brother, my in-laws- and even my dad have all stepped up and showed me that I am not alone in this.
This makes this journey so much easier.
With love, anything is possible.

And with that, I am going to head out to my appointment.
I will provide further details of how it goes.
Thank you everyone for being there.
You will never know how much it means to me.

XOXO