Change is inevitable

Change.
It is something that each of go through at one point in our life.
We can choose to do something with that change.
We can let it swallow us if it is not something we want to change.
We can let it guide us to where we are suppose to be.
We can choose to do nothing about it.

A good friend of mine once told me, "Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” It was written by Frank Herbert and it couldn't be more truthful, at least to me.

On Sunday, I was driving with my MIL out to see sissy. We were talking about the circumstances that have been placed in front of me over the last few months. BIG changes have taken place. BIG obstacles have come my way. We talked about how a year ago, there is no way I would have been able to handle any of these changes. I would have let it swallow me whole and I would have disappeared. I was really sick. Mentally, physically and emotionally. And then my family did something that made me angry. That hurt me. That saved me. They forced me to look at myself. And it took me a long time to recognize that this was a change I needed to go through.

I have always wanted to be a better person. To show people that I really do love them. That they are important to me. I have always wanted to make others proud of me and my actions. I have always wanted to be the girl that had integrity. I have always wanted someone to look up to me. And none of that was going to happen if I stayed where I was at. I was hurting so many people around me, but more importantly, I was killing myself. I was slowly watching myself fall. And thankfully, I had my family and my Heavenly Father there to catch me. And thank you, Mom, for recognizing the change my heart has made.

I know that in my years of destruction (and that was a lot of my life), I hurt many people. I am sorry. I will atone to each and every one of you in one way or another, but know that I know. I have not forgotten. In fact, it is what makes me strive to be a better person, to SHOW you that change has taken place in my life.

I must give this change in me to someone higher than all of us. I have FINALLY, after trying and trying over the years, put my faith completely in God (this didn't just happen, but it is what changed me). It is Him who has changed my heart. It is Him who gets all my praise. I couldn't do it without Him and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He knows what He is doing. I wear a bracelet that was given to me by my aunt everyday that reminds me that He will never forsake me (I know you won't either Fritz). I love that T and I have centered our lives around the Gospel. We pray together EVERY morning. We go to church. We serve. We live for God's purpose. I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity.

A year ago. Hmph! What a year it has been. What a BLESSING it has been.

Thank you baby for hanging in there with me.
For being my strength, my hope, and my feet when I couldn't stand.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
I am so proud of you and so thankful for you.
You are the best thing to have ever happened to me.
I love you!

And thank you friends and family, for being true.
For being there when I needed someone.
My life is made all the more beautiful with you in it.
And thank you for loving me unconditionally.

I am truly blessed.

All my love
XOXO

I'm thirsty anyway- so bring on the rain......

The last few weeks have been a rollarcoster. I am definately ready for things to settle down, although I don't foresee that happening anytime soon.

After my trip to Wyoming, I was let go from my job.
I am really trying to see this as a blessing, as raising a 15 year old is a lot of work.
It took us 3 days to just register H for school and I wouldn't have been able to do it had I been working.
I have also been able to start getting ready to back to school.
I am ahead in my Shakespeare class and have already passed the first quiz :)
It also allows me to be a better wife and make sure T is completely taken care of.

It also allowed me to take a trip with K to Las Vegas to say goodbye to my great aunt Diane.
Aunt Diane was my grandpa B's sister. While I don't know that side of the family very well, it was heartwarming to meet new family members and to see that my family really does belong to the Church.
I was able to see my cousin Nai Nai and her baby boy Rylan Jay.
I was able to finally meet my Aunt C's husband and see where she is living.
And I had my first time on the slot machines and won $315.00. It paid for my trip and for the new tires we needed on the car.

Upon returning, I recieved some news that some of my close family members are having a run of bad luck with their health. Not wanting to break confidentiality, I won't mention names or what is going on, but it just brought me back to the place of wanting to cherish every moment I have with those I love. Who knows when it will be the last time?

The last few weeks, while difficult, have been a blessing.
I have had 2 interviews with great companies and am hoping to hear from them, but still looking.
I am taking 3 classes at the local community college (Shakespeare, American Sign Language and Stats).
I am loving the chance to be a mother like figure to H.
I have lost a total of 68 pounds.
I am training for a 5K in October.
And I am happy.

T is doing well. He is busy with work. And when he is not at work, Church and H is keeping him busy. He loves his job and excels at it everyday. I am so proud of him.

T and I are hoping to be in Colorado come November for baby Fi's baptism. I can't wait to meet her. I also told F that if I don't have a job by the time she needs to go back to work, I'll come to Colorado and be baby Fi's nanny. :) She is doing well and growing stronger every day! I am so thankful for the blessings God has showered down upon her.

All our love.

They say you can't go home again.....

Home is where the heart is. And my heart is in Casper. It always has been.

Growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave. I couldn’t wait to see what the world had to offer me. I couldn’t wait to travel and see the world. To grow up and to not be in the shadow of my family.

Little did I know, I would crave the open spaces, the sweet air, the endless sky, the brightness of the stars, the small town feel and the people I am closest too.

Going back, always brings up so much emotion for me. Mostly because of this beautiful little girl who has stolen my heart from the day she was born. She can always make me smile and lights up my world. She is my world. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than how much I love her. She is my niece. Waking up to her laughter and to the sweet sound of her voice is what made this trip, although sad and difficult, worth it all. Having her run up to me and hug me and tell me she loves me warmed my heart so much.

As I got ready to leave this morning, she didn’t leave my side. She helped me pack and watched me put on makeup. She laughed with me and gave me kisses and hugs. We played “Rescue” and I tickled her. And as I got ready to go, I kneeled down and got a kiss from her. She gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Tears started to roll. I didn’t want to leave this girl. I didn’t want to spend another 6 months away from her and have to miss her growing up. She said, “I miss you.” Her eyes looked so sad. I said, “I miss you too.” She stood at the door, while I started to walk out the car. I had her come out so I could do “Eye Winker, Tom Tinker” one more time. I told her to go inside and watch Spongebob as tears streamed down my face. She stood at the door and said she loved me over and over again. I told her to close the door and she ran up the stairs to look out the window. She waved to me until I couldn’t see her anymore and it took all I have to not break down. To not just stay. To not go back and swoop her up in my arms and tell her once again how much I truly love that little lady.

Even as I write this, tears well up in my eyes. I am so thankful that my sister gave me this beautiful niece that is so full of life and imagination. She is so smart and so wonderful to be around. I couldn’t ask for a better niece.

I said goodbye to a wonderful, amazing, man this weekend. I said goodbye to my Godfather. I saw his life is pictures and I saw so many of the people whose lives he touched- young and old. I feel so blessed that my sweet husband worked so hard so that I was able to be here for this. I got to spend time with those who are my family (even if not by blood). I got to see where I lived and where my heart has always been.

I got to be with my best friend from high school, with my sister and my seester. I got to spend some much needed time with Molly and talked to her in lengths about life. The trip just needed to be longer. I needed the trip to be longer.


I doubt I will ever get to go home again. I am going to have to place my roots somewhere else. But today I left my heart in Wyoming again- and it will stay there, with my Moogs, until I return.