Tonight

Tonight my heart breaks.
It has been a long since my heart longed for a baby.
Maybe it is because I get my cravings fulfilled at church with all the beautiful babies there.
But tonight as my husband and I talked about our future- I felt my heart break.
Tears stream down my face as I think about not being a mommy.
As I think about what it would be like to hold my own baby.
To watch my sweet angel sleep on my chest.

I have tried to be strong.
To put my faith in God.
I know He knows what He is doing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I feel like part of me is missing.
That I am not good enough.
I am not filling my calling on this Earth.
That I am failing my husband.
My Heavenly Father.

Tonight, I want a family.
I want a baby to cry at night.
And to poop, eat and sleep.
I want to know what it is like to be exhausted.
To do feedings in the middle of the night.
And to have my babies cuddle me.

Tonight, my heart longs for a baby.

I have been wanting to write about this particular subject for some time now.
I guess it is partly because I want to justify myself
And maybe defend myself
But more so, to help people understand.

I have had a lot of obstacles in my life.
I have struggled with some extremely difficult problems in my life.
I have always been a pretty vocal person.
I have never been shy to share my experiences or to offer advice when asked.
And even now as I struggle with infertility, mental illness and addiction- I am not afraid to share my story.

I don't care what people think of me.
If they judge me.
They haven't walked in my shoes.
They don't know what I have gone through.
And those that love me will never judge me or think less of me.

I am often reminded that we all have struggles.
We were placed on this Earth to become the best person we can be.
We will have obstacles placed in front of us.
It is what we do with those obstacles that will determine how life will go for us.

I believe more now that because of my experiences, I will be able to help others.
I know that I finish my studies to become a teacher, that I will be able to make a difference.
I know that this is what I have always been meant to do with my life.

Am I ashamed of the choices I make?
Sometimes.
Do I regret the choices I've made?
Sometimes.
But I refuse to live in the past anymore.
I am moving forward.
I refuse to hide who I am.

I AM bipolar.
I AM infertile
I AM a recovering addict.
And I AM happy.

I am taking my mistakes, my faults and using them to my advantage.
I am becoming a healthier, better, stronger woman.
And slowly but surely, as I admit my feats and work on them- I know I will make it.

I think more than anything, my faith in God has changed.
Magnified.
I became desperate for Him.
And now I am striving everyday to be like Him.
To follow the promises I have made.
To be the daughter He created me to be.

I will always have a long way to go.
I will always fall short.
But that is why the Atonement is so glorious.
That is why I am so grateful for the cross Jesus chose to bear.
For me.
For you.
For this world.