Where does the time go????

It has been the most insanely busy, overwhelming, loving every minute of it few weeks.

I feel like I have had little to no time to myself.

I am working, going to school, being a mom and being a wife. Not to mention, trying to keep the house clean, workout and continue to do the things God has asked of me. I have never been more busy, stressed out and happy.

H is doing well in school. It seems she has a ton of homework every day, but she likes school and is making friends. It has been such an experience to watch her grow in the 2 months she has been with us. She is incredibly bright. She helps out at home and is growing in the Gospel. She is going to seminary in the morning. She is making friends. She even went to the game on Friday night.

I know this is preparing me for motherhood. I know that the busy schedule and the time and and energy I put into my life and into Heather's is only giving me a slight idea of what it will be like to have a baby of my own. I only hope I can do it with diligence and with love. A lot of love.

I started a new job on Tuesday. I am working as a dispatcher for an alarm company. On the 21st, I start my graveyard shift. I will be working from 630pm to 500am Wednesday through Saturday. I am nervous, but I know that is was something God has a say in. Someone will always be home for H. Tom and I can share the car without having to worry about the other. I will be able to attend Church. And it won't affect my school too much. I know that God has provided me with this awesome opportunity. A chance to start anew.

Exciting news!!!! We have been approved to buy a house!!! I am so excited to finally own something of our own. We are actively looking and I hope we are able to get into something that we like and can stay in for a while. :)

Tom and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary on Tuesday. I cannot believe we have been married for 3 years!!! It has gone by so fast. Despite all of our obstacles and all of our difficult times, I am madly in love with this man. The last 3 years have been the best of my life. He has helped me become the person I have longed to be. I am so thankful for him, for the Priesthood he holds, and for all he does for me. I am honestly looking forward to the next 50 years.

We went camping for our anniversary. We went to Patrick's Point which is 5 hours north on the coast. It was incredibly beautiful, cold and worth all the work that was put into it. We got to see the Redwood's, which I had never seen before. We got to drive through a tree. We got to drive down the Avenue of the Giants and hike. I will definitely be going back there.

Well, other than that, life is good. Busy. But good. I am now below 200 pounds and loving getting back into shape. I feel better than I have in a long time and can't wait to see what the next 40 does for me. :)

Change is inevitable

Change.
It is something that each of go through at one point in our life.
We can choose to do something with that change.
We can let it swallow us if it is not something we want to change.
We can let it guide us to where we are suppose to be.
We can choose to do nothing about it.

A good friend of mine once told me, "Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” It was written by Frank Herbert and it couldn't be more truthful, at least to me.

On Sunday, I was driving with my MIL out to see sissy. We were talking about the circumstances that have been placed in front of me over the last few months. BIG changes have taken place. BIG obstacles have come my way. We talked about how a year ago, there is no way I would have been able to handle any of these changes. I would have let it swallow me whole and I would have disappeared. I was really sick. Mentally, physically and emotionally. And then my family did something that made me angry. That hurt me. That saved me. They forced me to look at myself. And it took me a long time to recognize that this was a change I needed to go through.

I have always wanted to be a better person. To show people that I really do love them. That they are important to me. I have always wanted to make others proud of me and my actions. I have always wanted to be the girl that had integrity. I have always wanted someone to look up to me. And none of that was going to happen if I stayed where I was at. I was hurting so many people around me, but more importantly, I was killing myself. I was slowly watching myself fall. And thankfully, I had my family and my Heavenly Father there to catch me. And thank you, Mom, for recognizing the change my heart has made.

I know that in my years of destruction (and that was a lot of my life), I hurt many people. I am sorry. I will atone to each and every one of you in one way or another, but know that I know. I have not forgotten. In fact, it is what makes me strive to be a better person, to SHOW you that change has taken place in my life.

I must give this change in me to someone higher than all of us. I have FINALLY, after trying and trying over the years, put my faith completely in God (this didn't just happen, but it is what changed me). It is Him who has changed my heart. It is Him who gets all my praise. I couldn't do it without Him and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He knows what He is doing. I wear a bracelet that was given to me by my aunt everyday that reminds me that He will never forsake me (I know you won't either Fritz). I love that T and I have centered our lives around the Gospel. We pray together EVERY morning. We go to church. We serve. We live for God's purpose. I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity.

A year ago. Hmph! What a year it has been. What a BLESSING it has been.

Thank you baby for hanging in there with me.
For being my strength, my hope, and my feet when I couldn't stand.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
I am so proud of you and so thankful for you.
You are the best thing to have ever happened to me.
I love you!

And thank you friends and family, for being true.
For being there when I needed someone.
My life is made all the more beautiful with you in it.
And thank you for loving me unconditionally.

I am truly blessed.

All my love
XOXO

I'm thirsty anyway- so bring on the rain......

The last few weeks have been a rollarcoster. I am definately ready for things to settle down, although I don't foresee that happening anytime soon.

After my trip to Wyoming, I was let go from my job.
I am really trying to see this as a blessing, as raising a 15 year old is a lot of work.
It took us 3 days to just register H for school and I wouldn't have been able to do it had I been working.
I have also been able to start getting ready to back to school.
I am ahead in my Shakespeare class and have already passed the first quiz :)
It also allows me to be a better wife and make sure T is completely taken care of.

It also allowed me to take a trip with K to Las Vegas to say goodbye to my great aunt Diane.
Aunt Diane was my grandpa B's sister. While I don't know that side of the family very well, it was heartwarming to meet new family members and to see that my family really does belong to the Church.
I was able to see my cousin Nai Nai and her baby boy Rylan Jay.
I was able to finally meet my Aunt C's husband and see where she is living.
And I had my first time on the slot machines and won $315.00. It paid for my trip and for the new tires we needed on the car.

Upon returning, I recieved some news that some of my close family members are having a run of bad luck with their health. Not wanting to break confidentiality, I won't mention names or what is going on, but it just brought me back to the place of wanting to cherish every moment I have with those I love. Who knows when it will be the last time?

The last few weeks, while difficult, have been a blessing.
I have had 2 interviews with great companies and am hoping to hear from them, but still looking.
I am taking 3 classes at the local community college (Shakespeare, American Sign Language and Stats).
I am loving the chance to be a mother like figure to H.
I have lost a total of 68 pounds.
I am training for a 5K in October.
And I am happy.

T is doing well. He is busy with work. And when he is not at work, Church and H is keeping him busy. He loves his job and excels at it everyday. I am so proud of him.

T and I are hoping to be in Colorado come November for baby Fi's baptism. I can't wait to meet her. I also told F that if I don't have a job by the time she needs to go back to work, I'll come to Colorado and be baby Fi's nanny. :) She is doing well and growing stronger every day! I am so thankful for the blessings God has showered down upon her.

All our love.

They say you can't go home again.....

Home is where the heart is. And my heart is in Casper. It always has been.

Growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave. I couldn’t wait to see what the world had to offer me. I couldn’t wait to travel and see the world. To grow up and to not be in the shadow of my family.

Little did I know, I would crave the open spaces, the sweet air, the endless sky, the brightness of the stars, the small town feel and the people I am closest too.

Going back, always brings up so much emotion for me. Mostly because of this beautiful little girl who has stolen my heart from the day she was born. She can always make me smile and lights up my world. She is my world. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than how much I love her. She is my niece. Waking up to her laughter and to the sweet sound of her voice is what made this trip, although sad and difficult, worth it all. Having her run up to me and hug me and tell me she loves me warmed my heart so much.

As I got ready to leave this morning, she didn’t leave my side. She helped me pack and watched me put on makeup. She laughed with me and gave me kisses and hugs. We played “Rescue” and I tickled her. And as I got ready to go, I kneeled down and got a kiss from her. She gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Tears started to roll. I didn’t want to leave this girl. I didn’t want to spend another 6 months away from her and have to miss her growing up. She said, “I miss you.” Her eyes looked so sad. I said, “I miss you too.” She stood at the door, while I started to walk out the car. I had her come out so I could do “Eye Winker, Tom Tinker” one more time. I told her to go inside and watch Spongebob as tears streamed down my face. She stood at the door and said she loved me over and over again. I told her to close the door and she ran up the stairs to look out the window. She waved to me until I couldn’t see her anymore and it took all I have to not break down. To not just stay. To not go back and swoop her up in my arms and tell her once again how much I truly love that little lady.

Even as I write this, tears well up in my eyes. I am so thankful that my sister gave me this beautiful niece that is so full of life and imagination. She is so smart and so wonderful to be around. I couldn’t ask for a better niece.

I said goodbye to a wonderful, amazing, man this weekend. I said goodbye to my Godfather. I saw his life is pictures and I saw so many of the people whose lives he touched- young and old. I feel so blessed that my sweet husband worked so hard so that I was able to be here for this. I got to spend time with those who are my family (even if not by blood). I got to see where I lived and where my heart has always been.

I got to be with my best friend from high school, with my sister and my seester. I got to spend some much needed time with Molly and talked to her in lengths about life. The trip just needed to be longer. I needed the trip to be longer.


I doubt I will ever get to go home again. I am going to have to place my roots somewhere else. But today I left my heart in Wyoming again- and it will stay there, with my Moogs, until I return.

The Voice

No, I am not talking about the singing show- although I love it! I am talking about the still small voice that has become such a great force in my life. I am talking about the way that God has prepared me for the path I am journeying on.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have felt the Spirit guiding me and preparing me for the future. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father has been preparing me to be a mother. My heart has felt at peace with the fact that we have struggled with conceiving. I KNOW I will be a mother one day.

I never expected that day to arrive so soon.

Last Saturday night, I received some news that changed my world. That changed our world. T and I became guardians of a 15 year old, H.

T's family has known H's family for quite a long time. H's older sister is best friends with T's little sister. Through them, I have developed close relationships with H and her sister C. I admire them for their faith, tenacity and strength. I am proud of each one of them and have LOVED watching their testimonies grow.

And when I was asked by H if she could stay with T and I, I instantly knew this was something God had been preparing me for. A conversation a few days later with H's mother (who is too ill to take care of H) asked me to be her guardian. We spoke with our Bishop and it was settled. We would take H in as our own and do everything we can to have a home for her that is structured, full of love and centered in God.

Even with a few questions in the back of our mind and some reservations (can we parent a 15 year old? Will she respect us? Can we separate ourselves as friends and be her authority?), we have readily accepted the challenge God has placed before us.

And my heart feels glad, whole. Maybe it is because I finally get to be a mom of sorts.... Or maybe it is because I know I can impact this young woman's life. I know that ALL of the things I have gone through will provide me with some of the wisdom I need to guide her, to help her and be an example to her.

In just the short time she has already stayed with us, we have started to work on her Personal Progress (morals and values a young woman in the Church learns through prayer, scripture and projects). We are working on integrity and virtue right now. Through virtue, we are reading the Book of Mormon in 97 days. We also included H's mom and a newly converted member to this project. In compliance with virtue, H keeping her commitment to us to read 5.5 pages a day will complete her integrity project. She also taught FHE on Monday. Her spirit is so sweet.

For now, we are taking this one day at a time. We hope to see her mom recovered within 90 days. But if not, we will go from there. We have never been more busy, as we are active within our ward, I am working out, working overtime and I now have a beautiful lady to watch over, feed and nurture.

I am flying into Wyoming today for my Godfather's memorial on Saturday. I am excited to be able to be there to celebrate his life and to spend some much needed time with my sister and my niece. I am hoping to go back to the Ward where I started my journey on Sunday and then Monday I leave. Short but sweet.

Hope this finds all of you well.

All my love
Cass <3

Tonight

Tonight my heart breaks.
It has been a long since my heart longed for a baby.
Maybe it is because I get my cravings fulfilled at church with all the beautiful babies there.
But tonight as my husband and I talked about our future- I felt my heart break.
Tears stream down my face as I think about not being a mommy.
As I think about what it would be like to hold my own baby.
To watch my sweet angel sleep on my chest.

I have tried to be strong.
To put my faith in God.
I know He knows what He is doing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I feel like part of me is missing.
That I am not good enough.
I am not filling my calling on this Earth.
That I am failing my husband.
My Heavenly Father.

Tonight, I want a family.
I want a baby to cry at night.
And to poop, eat and sleep.
I want to know what it is like to be exhausted.
To do feedings in the middle of the night.
And to have my babies cuddle me.

Tonight, my heart longs for a baby.

On June 23rd at 9:36 am, Fiona Feyisayo Obakeye was born. She weighed 4 pounds 14 ounces and was 18 inches long. She was 7 weeks early, but she is very strong and doing very well. And so is my aunt! I am so very excited and ecstatic for my aunt and uncle. I can't wait to meet sweet Fi! Just a few more weeks :)

Isn't she beautiful!!!!?????!!!!