My mother has been on my mind the last few days.
Its sad that I can't just call her and tell her that I am thinking about her.
But right now, it wouldn't be healthy.
There is nothing to say to her, but that I am hurting.
That I am mad that she has chosen to not be here for me.
That once again, I am without my mother in a time in my life where I need her.
It almost makes me laugh how she blames this one me-
How I am the one who told her to stay out of my life.
Now, I am not even a mom yet-
But I know if my daughter was going through half of the things I was going through-
That no matter how she felt about me-
I would be there.
(I also told her that on my second day of detoxing- which is by far the worst pain I've been in in my life thus far)
And it makes me think of so many things when I think of her.
It makes me think of the time I flew out here when she had kidney stones.
I had my father's credit card number
And was worried that my mom didn't have any to take care of here-
So I had her co-worker pick me up from the airport
And I spent the weekend taking care of my mom.
Or when I got home from France.
No house, no dogs, no family.
And she chose not to be there when I got home.
Being out in California doing who knows what with whom rather than being there to greet her daughter who she had not seen in 10 months.
It broke my heart.
I know that is had taken me this long to really believe that she treats me differently-
Even though I've had quite a few people tell me so.
Those who were looking in from the outside.
Those who couldn't do anything as they watched her treat me less or love me less
And all I could do was do anything to get her attention.
And that even failed.
I did all the wrong things to get to her to notice me.
Things were good.
But only because I chose them to be.
I tried to become the daughter she wanted me to be.
But I failed.
I have failed a lot when it comes to her.
I didn't graduate school.
I am not skinny.
I have issues.
I am not perfect.
And I am not doing the drama anymore.
I can't figure out how to stop going in the cycle.
I've been down this road so many times-
And just when I think I got passed it-
Here it is again....
Haunting me.
And I just want it to stop... NOW!
I am ready to move on with my life.
I am ready to have people love me for me.
I am ready to have people not try and change me.
I am good person.
I have a lot of things people love about me.
Here's my song at the moment:
Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by
You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked
So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast
I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save
Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best
But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset
I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see
You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening
And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything
All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything
Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything
Let me hold your crown
~King of Anything
Sara Bareilles
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
36 and getting higher
Day 36
Not much has happened in the last 7 or so days. We celebrated Tom's birthday and I got him tickets to Linkin Park. He deserved to go and have some fun after the last 4 or so months. So Tuesday, he will be going with his little brother to the concert in San Jose. I hope he has a blast! I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets home!
I got a sponser. Her name is Wendee. She has been in recovery for 22 years. She is very understanding and has some great advice to offer. I am really enjoying knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Sometimes it feels really lonely. But everyday is getting better and I am getting stronger.
I can't believe this started over a month ago and how far I have come since then. I have been going to groups and then to meetings. My life is busy because I have started back to work. I have really missed work as hard as that may be to believe. I feel like I am accomplishing something. And that makes a difference in my self-worth. I am hoping over the next few months- to really show my boss how dedicated I am to this job. I really want to move up.
I have also started to prepare for college again. Next semester I will go back. Now it is just a matter of where I will go. I just got my transcripts from the University of Utah. I can't wait to get started. My whole life is changing and I am really loving the change that is coming.
Wednesday and Thursday, my grandmother's celebrated their birthdays. I can't tell you how thankful I am that they were born. They both mean so much to me. Their wisdom and unconditional love inspires me to do so many things. I can't wait to make them proud(er) and be the best granddaughter. They deserve that. I sure do miss them so much. I love you both so much! Thank you for always being there.
I am doing great. The support I get from my MIL is amazing. She comes to family group every night. We are reading a book together and discussing it as often as we can. We are really opening up to each other and I have found a friend in her too. She isn't just my MIL. She is my friend, my confider, and my spiritual mother. I have learned so much about the Church and about the role of a woman in the Church and how important that role is. Victoria has such a wonderful spirit and she just lights up when she talks about it. I find myself in awe of her, her determination, and her ability to want to change to make herself better.
I really am trying to find positive things about what has happened over the last few months, and I think one of them is my relationship with God, my MIL and my husband have grown tremdously. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I am trying to rebuild myself and only the good parts to shine through. It hasn't been easy, but I am doing it. I am doing it for me. For my husband. For my God. I am happy. I getting happier everyday. I am proud of myself. I am doing better than I have in a long time. I am going to make the best of this time- of this treatment.
They say it takes between 7-10 years to fully recover, even though it will be a life long battle. I am taking it on full force and will beat this thing. My cravings are few and far between. My mood is mostly happy. My heart is slowly mending itself and I am moving away from the past. However, I know that I will deal with it once again when I start working the steps. I will start that after 30 days with my sponser.
Well its time to go.
XOXO
Not much has happened in the last 7 or so days. We celebrated Tom's birthday and I got him tickets to Linkin Park. He deserved to go and have some fun after the last 4 or so months. So Tuesday, he will be going with his little brother to the concert in San Jose. I hope he has a blast! I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets home!
I got a sponser. Her name is Wendee. She has been in recovery for 22 years. She is very understanding and has some great advice to offer. I am really enjoying knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Sometimes it feels really lonely. But everyday is getting better and I am getting stronger.
I can't believe this started over a month ago and how far I have come since then. I have been going to groups and then to meetings. My life is busy because I have started back to work. I have really missed work as hard as that may be to believe. I feel like I am accomplishing something. And that makes a difference in my self-worth. I am hoping over the next few months- to really show my boss how dedicated I am to this job. I really want to move up.
I have also started to prepare for college again. Next semester I will go back. Now it is just a matter of where I will go. I just got my transcripts from the University of Utah. I can't wait to get started. My whole life is changing and I am really loving the change that is coming.
Wednesday and Thursday, my grandmother's celebrated their birthdays. I can't tell you how thankful I am that they were born. They both mean so much to me. Their wisdom and unconditional love inspires me to do so many things. I can't wait to make them proud(er) and be the best granddaughter. They deserve that. I sure do miss them so much. I love you both so much! Thank you for always being there.
I am doing great. The support I get from my MIL is amazing. She comes to family group every night. We are reading a book together and discussing it as often as we can. We are really opening up to each other and I have found a friend in her too. She isn't just my MIL. She is my friend, my confider, and my spiritual mother. I have learned so much about the Church and about the role of a woman in the Church and how important that role is. Victoria has such a wonderful spirit and she just lights up when she talks about it. I find myself in awe of her, her determination, and her ability to want to change to make herself better.
I really am trying to find positive things about what has happened over the last few months, and I think one of them is my relationship with God, my MIL and my husband have grown tremdously. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I am trying to rebuild myself and only the good parts to shine through. It hasn't been easy, but I am doing it. I am doing it for me. For my husband. For my God. I am happy. I getting happier everyday. I am proud of myself. I am doing better than I have in a long time. I am going to make the best of this time- of this treatment.
They say it takes between 7-10 years to fully recover, even though it will be a life long battle. I am taking it on full force and will beat this thing. My cravings are few and far between. My mood is mostly happy. My heart is slowly mending itself and I am moving away from the past. However, I know that I will deal with it once again when I start working the steps. I will start that after 30 days with my sponser.
Well its time to go.
XOXO
Saturday, February 12, 2011
29
29 days.
I am not sure how much longer I will count for- but it still makes me feel like I have accomplished something when I can say- I have been clean and sober for 29 days.
For those of you who choose to read it, I am glad that you do, for very rarely do I sugarcoat what I have to say. For those of you who think I shouldn't put my world out there for others to read, well, I'm sorry you think that way, but this is for me. I have to write this out. And for the most part, it is usually just to keep my family and friends, far and wide, updated on how I am doing. However, there are times that I just need to vent. And that is what I am going to do today.
This morning started out pretty good. It is Tom's birthday. He is 25 today! I am so grateful he was born. I dropped him off at his welding class at 8 and then pulled over to call my sister. I was told by her husband that I am stressing my sister out and when I am ready to accept responsibility for my actions then I can call the house (this is not verbatim but very close to what he said). And then he hung up on me. There was no explanation, as I have talked to my sister on a few different occasions. One conversation, the day before my birthday, was a disagreeable one. We were discussing quite a few things in which we both disagreed on, but I didn't think it put a dent in our relationship as she called back the next day to wish me a happy birthday and then called two more times before I left Houston. However, since then, I haven't heard from her. And when I call today, I get that.
I am beyond frustrated. My sister and my mother are the ones who decided to place the "intervention". They are the ones that said, "we love you and we are here for you no matter what and we want you to get help." Yet, the support I have gotten from them since the day of the intervention has been little to none. Or at least, that is how I see it. Is it because I didn't go to the place they wanted me to go to? What was the purpose for the intervention if you aren't going to be here for me and help me by supporting me?
I will have to work on a lot of issues. One day, along the road to recovery, I will get to my past. And then I will write letters, and apologize to those I have hurt because of my addiction. But today, because I am still so new to sobriety and because just recently did I start working on myself. I need to focus on me now. I can't focus on my relationships with other people (besides my Heavenly Father and husband). I can't fix anything right now. I can't expect to change for people or to try and change people. I need to set boundaries and have people in my life willing to accept those. Now maybe, the people who have not been there to support me, when in the beginning said they would (instead I have been told what a horrible daughter, sister, person, wife I am), just need to get some education on what it is like to be an addict, to admit that you have a disease (an incurable disease at that) and to have to work through the program. And you can say, I have worked the program a thousand times, but you haven't worked it with me. You haven't gone done the path with me. And YES THIS TIME IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!
I plead that you will get to a point where you want to get to know me again- as I am changing, all the time, everyday. I am going to be a completely different person when I am done here. I believe that only those who have stuck close by me, helped me, held my hand, called me, emailed me, let me vent to them, and cried with me, are going to be the ones that only know the changes that have come and are coming. I have to change everything about me in order to beat this. I have to change habits and ways of thinking. If I wear my watch on my left hand, I need to start wearing it on my right. My routine in the shower is changing. EVERYTHING is changing. I AM CHANGING!
I am grateful that after I got off the phone with my sister's husband, I was able to reach out to my dad, who just comforted me. He gave me no explanation, just listened to me. And then told me not to put too much worry into it. He then asked me how I was doing and I told I was doing pretty great. He said I sounded much better. I am so glad I decided to go. I am glad that my sister reached out and so did my mother. I am glad that mi tia and Nina and seester all asked me to get help. I am thankful that my father told me to listen to my husband, as the addict in me didn't want to go. I am grateful that my husband, who knows me the best, after prayer and thought, told me he thought it would be a good idea to go. I am grateful that after I talked to my sister's husband, that the hurt I felt, and the immediate response to use to take away that hurt, was interrupted by the fact that I told my MIL I would be over there this morning to get help on a letter that I needed to write. When I called her this morning, it was to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to come over and I was going to find something, anything to use- whether it be my medicine I have now, or to call up a friend who would know a friend. But when I heard her voice, I decided to come over and I broke down. I was so hurt and saddened. And I almost lost what I have had control over for 29 days.
It still all hurts. But everyday, I am getting better. And I don't have to have anyone here beside me to do this, because I am strong enough to do this on my own, but for those of you who have been here and who continue to be here, I wouldn't want to do this without you. You all have given me so much strength and has made all the difference so thank you. I am doing really well besides my rant above. I am returning to work on the 16th and am so ready to go back. I am so ready to start school too. This next year is going to be amazing!
I hope all is well with you and yours!
XOXO
I am not sure how much longer I will count for- but it still makes me feel like I have accomplished something when I can say- I have been clean and sober for 29 days.
For those of you who choose to read it, I am glad that you do, for very rarely do I sugarcoat what I have to say. For those of you who think I shouldn't put my world out there for others to read, well, I'm sorry you think that way, but this is for me. I have to write this out. And for the most part, it is usually just to keep my family and friends, far and wide, updated on how I am doing. However, there are times that I just need to vent. And that is what I am going to do today.
This morning started out pretty good. It is Tom's birthday. He is 25 today! I am so grateful he was born. I dropped him off at his welding class at 8 and then pulled over to call my sister. I was told by her husband that I am stressing my sister out and when I am ready to accept responsibility for my actions then I can call the house (this is not verbatim but very close to what he said). And then he hung up on me. There was no explanation, as I have talked to my sister on a few different occasions. One conversation, the day before my birthday, was a disagreeable one. We were discussing quite a few things in which we both disagreed on, but I didn't think it put a dent in our relationship as she called back the next day to wish me a happy birthday and then called two more times before I left Houston. However, since then, I haven't heard from her. And when I call today, I get that.
I am beyond frustrated. My sister and my mother are the ones who decided to place the "intervention". They are the ones that said, "we love you and we are here for you no matter what and we want you to get help." Yet, the support I have gotten from them since the day of the intervention has been little to none. Or at least, that is how I see it. Is it because I didn't go to the place they wanted me to go to? What was the purpose for the intervention if you aren't going to be here for me and help me by supporting me?
I will have to work on a lot of issues. One day, along the road to recovery, I will get to my past. And then I will write letters, and apologize to those I have hurt because of my addiction. But today, because I am still so new to sobriety and because just recently did I start working on myself. I need to focus on me now. I can't focus on my relationships with other people (besides my Heavenly Father and husband). I can't fix anything right now. I can't expect to change for people or to try and change people. I need to set boundaries and have people in my life willing to accept those. Now maybe, the people who have not been there to support me, when in the beginning said they would (instead I have been told what a horrible daughter, sister, person, wife I am), just need to get some education on what it is like to be an addict, to admit that you have a disease (an incurable disease at that) and to have to work through the program. And you can say, I have worked the program a thousand times, but you haven't worked it with me. You haven't gone done the path with me. And YES THIS TIME IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!
I plead that you will get to a point where you want to get to know me again- as I am changing, all the time, everyday. I am going to be a completely different person when I am done here. I believe that only those who have stuck close by me, helped me, held my hand, called me, emailed me, let me vent to them, and cried with me, are going to be the ones that only know the changes that have come and are coming. I have to change everything about me in order to beat this. I have to change habits and ways of thinking. If I wear my watch on my left hand, I need to start wearing it on my right. My routine in the shower is changing. EVERYTHING is changing. I AM CHANGING!
I am grateful that after I got off the phone with my sister's husband, I was able to reach out to my dad, who just comforted me. He gave me no explanation, just listened to me. And then told me not to put too much worry into it. He then asked me how I was doing and I told I was doing pretty great. He said I sounded much better. I am so glad I decided to go. I am glad that my sister reached out and so did my mother. I am glad that mi tia and Nina and seester all asked me to get help. I am thankful that my father told me to listen to my husband, as the addict in me didn't want to go. I am grateful that my husband, who knows me the best, after prayer and thought, told me he thought it would be a good idea to go. I am grateful that after I talked to my sister's husband, that the hurt I felt, and the immediate response to use to take away that hurt, was interrupted by the fact that I told my MIL I would be over there this morning to get help on a letter that I needed to write. When I called her this morning, it was to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to come over and I was going to find something, anything to use- whether it be my medicine I have now, or to call up a friend who would know a friend. But when I heard her voice, I decided to come over and I broke down. I was so hurt and saddened. And I almost lost what I have had control over for 29 days.
It still all hurts. But everyday, I am getting better. And I don't have to have anyone here beside me to do this, because I am strong enough to do this on my own, but for those of you who have been here and who continue to be here, I wouldn't want to do this without you. You all have given me so much strength and has made all the difference so thank you. I am doing really well besides my rant above. I am returning to work on the 16th and am so ready to go back. I am so ready to start school too. This next year is going to be amazing!
I hope all is well with you and yours!
XOXO
Thursday, February 10, 2011
27 days.
I feel like I have so much to write about. The emotions right now are overwhelming. I didn't know a person could feel so many emotions at one time.... but here I am... Searching to just pick out one emotion and focus on that one for today.
I think that is what I have been doing but not doing it with conscience.
Yesterday, I had the most amazing break through.
I had to share my story yesterday.
What brought me to this place.
And my story doesn't start with how I became dependant on pain medication
It started a long time ago.
It's hard to tell your own story
At least it was for me.
I had no idea where to begin.
When did it all seem to just turn around?
December 24 1992, maybe.
Was I ever truly happy as a chid?
You betcha!
Was the sadness and anguish I felt inside real?
No doubt.
When my daddy would leave to go on a trip, was my fear of him never coming home real?
Absolutely!
It was weird this time.... When I left my daddy in Houston I didn't shed a single tear.
In fact, I didn't cry for a few days after I got home and I started to miss him.
I find myself growing in ways I did not know or understand.
Tom says I am happier.
I feel happier.
God continues to show His mercy even when I feel so undeserving of His blessings.
I feel the Spirit so close to me.
I'm working on me right now, trying hard not to focus on the past.
I have set my boundaries.
I have applied for school.
Did my FASFA.
Qualified for a Pell Grant.
I'll be starting next fall.
I'm starting over.
Change is coming.
Change has begun.
I'm changing.
Everyone around me is changing.
It is the most terrifying thing yet I am so excited to see what is to come.
I have to admit, as much as this hurts, that I am glad that God has not given us a child to raise yet.
As I fight this battle, this disease that has infected me for so long, I know I could not properly care for a child.
I have to win this battle.
(Even though, I'll be fighting a war for the rest of my life)
I believe once my body is healthy and clean.
Once my focus has been turned to giving the child of God the love it deserves
Then and only the do I believe we will become parents.
My fingers are turning numb as I write this underneath the stars.
It is late and I am worn.
But just so you know....
I'm ok.
I feel like I have so much to write about. The emotions right now are overwhelming. I didn't know a person could feel so many emotions at one time.... but here I am... Searching to just pick out one emotion and focus on that one for today.
I think that is what I have been doing but not doing it with conscience.
Yesterday, I had the most amazing break through.
I had to share my story yesterday.
What brought me to this place.
And my story doesn't start with how I became dependant on pain medication
It started a long time ago.
It's hard to tell your own story
At least it was for me.
I had no idea where to begin.
When did it all seem to just turn around?
December 24 1992, maybe.
Was I ever truly happy as a chid?
You betcha!
Was the sadness and anguish I felt inside real?
No doubt.
When my daddy would leave to go on a trip, was my fear of him never coming home real?
Absolutely!
It was weird this time.... When I left my daddy in Houston I didn't shed a single tear.
In fact, I didn't cry for a few days after I got home and I started to miss him.
I find myself growing in ways I did not know or understand.
Tom says I am happier.
I feel happier.
God continues to show His mercy even when I feel so undeserving of His blessings.
I feel the Spirit so close to me.
I'm working on me right now, trying hard not to focus on the past.
I have set my boundaries.
I have applied for school.
Did my FASFA.
Qualified for a Pell Grant.
I'll be starting next fall.
I'm starting over.
Change is coming.
Change has begun.
I'm changing.
Everyone around me is changing.
It is the most terrifying thing yet I am so excited to see what is to come.
I have to admit, as much as this hurts, that I am glad that God has not given us a child to raise yet.
As I fight this battle, this disease that has infected me for so long, I know I could not properly care for a child.
I have to win this battle.
(Even though, I'll be fighting a war for the rest of my life)
I believe once my body is healthy and clean.
Once my focus has been turned to giving the child of God the love it deserves
Then and only the do I believe we will become parents.
My fingers are turning numb as I write this underneath the stars.
It is late and I am worn.
But just so you know....
I'm ok.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
100
How appropriate that this post is my 100th post?
I think it is very appropriate and here is why.
Today, I have been clean and sober for 14 days.
Yesterday I "graduated" from the day treatment program.
I worked so hard.
I talked about things that for some reason had never crossed my mind.
It made my faith stronger than it has ever been.
I am 100% positive that I belong with Tom (as if I had any doubt to begin with, it just reaffirmed that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together).
I shed hundreds of tears and it felt so good.
I cried happy tears, sad tears.
I cried for those who are hurting and I understand. Oh! how I understand.
There was a lot that happened over the last week.
Time seemed to have just flown by.
I still can't believe I had been there for two weeks.
I was/am scared to leave.
To face reality.
At least that first day of reality will be a plane ride to Houston to go see my daddy.
But the fear is still there.
What happens if I relapse?
I feel like I still need more.
And I will get it when I get back,it is just my main worry right now.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
I struggle with that too.
We had an exercise this last week where we had a "funeral" for our disease.
And we had to bring items that reminded us of hope.
I don't remember what I said to the disease- and I don't think it really matters.
I am not going to let this defeat me. I REFUSE.
So instead, I remember what I brought for hope.
Our wedding picture. Tom is everything to me.
He is my every thought. I couldn't imagine life without him- nor will I ever have to.
He has proven to me the meaning of unconditional love.
He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
I am so grateful for him.
The Book of Mormon- this Book changed my life.
It made me into such a better person.
It has taught me the importance of being a good person.
The importance of the atonement, and the sacrifice our Heavenly Father gave.
It has brought a peace and happiness into my life I never knew existed.
I brought a picture of my in laws on my wedding day.
My FIL and MIL have loved me without condition.
They don't judge me and my faults.
Instead,they have held my hand and given me blessings.
They have prayed for me, with me.
They have supported me in ways I never knew was possible.
Lastly, I brought a picture of my daddy and my niece Morgan on my wedding day.
My dad has been a pillar in my life, my whole life.
He is there when I need him and has also let me learned my own life lessons.
He has provided for me my whole life- working all over the world, missing birthdays, Christmas, important events in all of his children's lives just so that we had what we needed and what we wanted.
I am sure I have disappointed him a thousand times. I know I have angered him. But he never ever holds my mistakes against me and in the end- Daddys don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.
And then there is Morgan. Moogs.
Her birth changed me.
She may only be my niece, but I have this aunt that I look up to so much. I want to be that for her. This summer when I had gone to Wyoming for a wedding, I had walked into the house for the first time and said her name- she got this BIG smile on her face, ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug. It made my heart melt. And every time I call her and hear her tell me she loves me, my heart just swells. She is my hope. I want to be there for her, just as my aunt has been there for me.
On the day of my transition (when I get back from seeing my dad) I will be going to treatment only half days instead of full days), I was told it would be a "quiet transition" because I didn't finish the full 14 days. Because of the trip to see my dad, I completed 13. So I had told no one to come. After expressing my sadness at group yesterday that I wasn't being treated like everyone else just because I was leaving 1 day early- all of my assignments were completed. I had worked hard and stayed clean- I believed I deserved it. After speaking out, the counselors all agreed and spoke with the program director. She also agreed that I deserved to transition like everyone else. I called my family, and they all said they couldn't make it. Well.... they ended up surprising me. My MIL, my little brother (in law) and my husband.
Knowing they were there meant so much to me.
The support they give me, they faith they have in me.
It brings me to tears just thinking about it.
I told my MIL the other night that I believe that she is my spiritual mother.
I don't believe I have ever been this close to a "mom" before.
I have amazing grandmothers who have done so much for me and taught me so much.
I have an amazing aunt, who I consider one of my closest friends, who is also my Godmother, who always tells me how it is and who has always been there for me during the toughest of times.
But Victoria is different.
She has held my hand, rubbed my back, cried with me, laughed with me, shared stories with me.
She told me the other day that our relationship has taught her so much about our Heavenly Father's love.
She has taught me so much about patience, love, devotion, hope, faith, cooking, baking, life.
I know I was meant to marry her son.
I know I was meant to be sealed to her son which then seals me to her.
I know.
I can't wait for the next few months.
I only see my life getting better and better.
I only see myself getting stronger and stronger.
This next week, I am in Houston with my dad, my step mom and her mom and dad.
I am so thankful to be here.
I am thankful my dad brought me out here.
I already miss my wonderful husband but my dad's dog is keeping me company.
Sorry this is such a long post. I just feel like I have so much to say, I want to continue- but I will wait for another day.
P.S. Ebba- I didn't forget you- you have kept me balanced for years. You have been the bestest friend a girl could ask for- and I consider you more of a sister than anything. I love you and am so thankful for you.
XOXOXO
I think it is very appropriate and here is why.
Today, I have been clean and sober for 14 days.
Yesterday I "graduated" from the day treatment program.
I worked so hard.
I talked about things that for some reason had never crossed my mind.
It made my faith stronger than it has ever been.
I am 100% positive that I belong with Tom (as if I had any doubt to begin with, it just reaffirmed that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together).
I shed hundreds of tears and it felt so good.
I cried happy tears, sad tears.
I cried for those who are hurting and I understand. Oh! how I understand.
There was a lot that happened over the last week.
Time seemed to have just flown by.
I still can't believe I had been there for two weeks.
I was/am scared to leave.
To face reality.
At least that first day of reality will be a plane ride to Houston to go see my daddy.
But the fear is still there.
What happens if I relapse?
I feel like I still need more.
And I will get it when I get back,it is just my main worry right now.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
I struggle with that too.
We had an exercise this last week where we had a "funeral" for our disease.
And we had to bring items that reminded us of hope.
I don't remember what I said to the disease- and I don't think it really matters.
I am not going to let this defeat me. I REFUSE.
So instead, I remember what I brought for hope.
Our wedding picture. Tom is everything to me.
He is my every thought. I couldn't imagine life without him- nor will I ever have to.
He has proven to me the meaning of unconditional love.
He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
I am so grateful for him.
The Book of Mormon- this Book changed my life.
It made me into such a better person.
It has taught me the importance of being a good person.
The importance of the atonement, and the sacrifice our Heavenly Father gave.
It has brought a peace and happiness into my life I never knew existed.
I brought a picture of my in laws on my wedding day.
My FIL and MIL have loved me without condition.
They don't judge me and my faults.
Instead,they have held my hand and given me blessings.
They have prayed for me, with me.
They have supported me in ways I never knew was possible.
Lastly, I brought a picture of my daddy and my niece Morgan on my wedding day.
My dad has been a pillar in my life, my whole life.
He is there when I need him and has also let me learned my own life lessons.
He has provided for me my whole life- working all over the world, missing birthdays, Christmas, important events in all of his children's lives just so that we had what we needed and what we wanted.
I am sure I have disappointed him a thousand times. I know I have angered him. But he never ever holds my mistakes against me and in the end- Daddys don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.
And then there is Morgan. Moogs.
Her birth changed me.
She may only be my niece, but I have this aunt that I look up to so much. I want to be that for her. This summer when I had gone to Wyoming for a wedding, I had walked into the house for the first time and said her name- she got this BIG smile on her face, ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug. It made my heart melt. And every time I call her and hear her tell me she loves me, my heart just swells. She is my hope. I want to be there for her, just as my aunt has been there for me.
On the day of my transition (when I get back from seeing my dad) I will be going to treatment only half days instead of full days), I was told it would be a "quiet transition" because I didn't finish the full 14 days. Because of the trip to see my dad, I completed 13. So I had told no one to come. After expressing my sadness at group yesterday that I wasn't being treated like everyone else just because I was leaving 1 day early- all of my assignments were completed. I had worked hard and stayed clean- I believed I deserved it. After speaking out, the counselors all agreed and spoke with the program director. She also agreed that I deserved to transition like everyone else. I called my family, and they all said they couldn't make it. Well.... they ended up surprising me. My MIL, my little brother (in law) and my husband.
Knowing they were there meant so much to me.
The support they give me, they faith they have in me.
It brings me to tears just thinking about it.
I told my MIL the other night that I believe that she is my spiritual mother.
I don't believe I have ever been this close to a "mom" before.
I have amazing grandmothers who have done so much for me and taught me so much.
I have an amazing aunt, who I consider one of my closest friends, who is also my Godmother, who always tells me how it is and who has always been there for me during the toughest of times.
But Victoria is different.
She has held my hand, rubbed my back, cried with me, laughed with me, shared stories with me.
She told me the other day that our relationship has taught her so much about our Heavenly Father's love.
She has taught me so much about patience, love, devotion, hope, faith, cooking, baking, life.
I know I was meant to marry her son.
I know I was meant to be sealed to her son which then seals me to her.
I know.
I can't wait for the next few months.
I only see my life getting better and better.
I only see myself getting stronger and stronger.
This next week, I am in Houston with my dad, my step mom and her mom and dad.
I am so thankful to be here.
I am thankful my dad brought me out here.
I already miss my wonderful husband but my dad's dog is keeping me company.
Sorry this is such a long post. I just feel like I have so much to say, I want to continue- but I will wait for another day.
P.S. Ebba- I didn't forget you- you have kept me balanced for years. You have been the bestest friend a girl could ask for- and I consider you more of a sister than anything. I love you and am so thankful for you.
XOXOXO
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Day 11 Anger Assignment
Today is day 11.
I have been clean and sober for 11 days.
And most of the time, I feel great.
But at the same time-
I have never been more confused as to who I am.
I think part of my abusing my medication was to hide.
From what?
From who?
I don't know.
All I know is I want to be happy.
Anger has been a constant for me.
I am angry that my family split up.
I am angry that I don't have a home to go home to (I am not homeless, just after my parent's divorce and they sold the house, I have felt like I don't have a home to go home to).
I am angry that my mother refuses to be there for me- time and time again.
Even though she promised she would be.
I AM JUST FLAT OUT ANGRY.
It is part of the process of grieving.
I am starting a new life.
Saying goodbye to an old one and starting anew.
And I am weeding out my thistles and thorns.
And slowly but surely, I am finding my way back to the light.
My second assignment is on Anger.
Please complete this assignment and share in your small group. Please be as honest as you can in your responses. Be sure to complete each list as requested.
1. What has caused you the most pain and discomfort in your life? List ten items.
1. Being raped.
2. My mother not believing I was raped.
3. My parents divorce.
4. Losing my dogs when my parents divorced.
5. Hurting my husband by being an addict.
6. Hurting my grandparents when I lived with them (both sets of them)
7. Disappointing my dad too many times.
8. My mother's inability to love me the way I want/need her to.
9. Losing a child because of my choices.
10. Being neglected by my mother during personal achievements.
2. What makes you feel angry? List ten items.
1. My addiction.
2. My ability to self sabotage.
3. My mother talking horribly about my father.
4. People who don't follow through on promises.
5. Not being able to get pregnant.
6. Not finishing school.
7. I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
8. Not knowing who I am.
9. Having mental disorders.
10. My family being hypocritical.
3. Describe how your own anger feels.
It feels deep and dark. Hidden from the world. And ready to let go.
4. If your anger were a wild animal or some other metaphor, which one would it be? Why?
A wild horse, not ready to be bridled, so it bucks and runs faster the more someone tries to tame it.
5. What does compassion mean to you?
Compassion means doing something nice, kind, loving, without having expectation of it being returned.
6. How do you show compassion to others?
I listen without judgement, I help others when needed, I love without condition.
7. Name people in your life who have shown you compassion.
My Heavenly Father, Jesus, my mother in law, my best friend, my aunts (mi Tia especially), my Myia, my Pa, my Nina, my Don, my father in law, my husband, my uncles, my daddy, my brothers, my sisters, my niece and at times even my mother.
8. List ten qualities you like about yourself.
1. I love my red hair.
2. I think I am funny.
3. My loyalty.
4. My love for music
5. My faith
6. My determination (you tell me I can't do it, I will just to prove you wrong)
7. My people skills
8. My love to learn
9. My ability to forgive
10. My ability to be a true friend, I am someone people can always count on to be there when they need a shoulder.
Surprisingly, this was hard. I had to search and distinguish the difference between pain and anger. Maybe you can try and do this yourself. I am learning so much about myself. I am so glad I decided to listen to my husband and do this. I love that he had prayed about it and was able to receive revelation. I love that my husband holds the Priesthood and the power it contains. I love that my husband can give me blessings and that I am filled with so much calmness, love and understanding. It made such a difference in me making the decision to go to this program.
I have also come to this conclusion. Anger- no matter what type it is or who it is directed at- controls you. It can, if you let it, control every aspect of your life. It can destroy you. I have made a conscious decision to no longer let anger control me. More importantly, the anger towards my mother. The more anger I have, the more control she has over me. I am done being angry. Her lack of support in this process (she has not called me once since I have been in treatment) had me so angry that all I wanted to do was go get loaded. And ruin the last 11 days. Instead, I am no longer empowering her. If she does not want to get to know me, if she does not want to love me for who I am without trying to change me, if she doesn't support my decisions in life- then she will not be apart of my life. I even wanted to write her a letter to express how angry I am at her. In doing so, I would only put her in more control and that is what our whole relationship has been about... control. Well- that is now over. Through meditation, prayer, journaling, and therapy, my anger will slowly disappear as will the control she has over me.
So today ends with a new beginning in site.
And only 4 more days till I get to see my daddy and my step-mom! I can't wait!
I have been clean and sober for 11 days.
And most of the time, I feel great.
But at the same time-
I have never been more confused as to who I am.
I think part of my abusing my medication was to hide.
From what?
From who?
I don't know.
All I know is I want to be happy.
Anger has been a constant for me.
I am angry that my family split up.
I am angry that I don't have a home to go home to (I am not homeless, just after my parent's divorce and they sold the house, I have felt like I don't have a home to go home to).
I am angry that my mother refuses to be there for me- time and time again.
Even though she promised she would be.
I AM JUST FLAT OUT ANGRY.
It is part of the process of grieving.
I am starting a new life.
Saying goodbye to an old one and starting anew.
And I am weeding out my thistles and thorns.
And slowly but surely, I am finding my way back to the light.
My second assignment is on Anger.
Please complete this assignment and share in your small group. Please be as honest as you can in your responses. Be sure to complete each list as requested.
1. What has caused you the most pain and discomfort in your life? List ten items.
1. Being raped.
2. My mother not believing I was raped.
3. My parents divorce.
4. Losing my dogs when my parents divorced.
5. Hurting my husband by being an addict.
6. Hurting my grandparents when I lived with them (both sets of them)
7. Disappointing my dad too many times.
8. My mother's inability to love me the way I want/need her to.
9. Losing a child because of my choices.
10. Being neglected by my mother during personal achievements.
2. What makes you feel angry? List ten items.
1. My addiction.
2. My ability to self sabotage.
3. My mother talking horribly about my father.
4. People who don't follow through on promises.
5. Not being able to get pregnant.
6. Not finishing school.
7. I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
8. Not knowing who I am.
9. Having mental disorders.
10. My family being hypocritical.
3. Describe how your own anger feels.
It feels deep and dark. Hidden from the world. And ready to let go.
4. If your anger were a wild animal or some other metaphor, which one would it be? Why?
A wild horse, not ready to be bridled, so it bucks and runs faster the more someone tries to tame it.
5. What does compassion mean to you?
Compassion means doing something nice, kind, loving, without having expectation of it being returned.
6. How do you show compassion to others?
I listen without judgement, I help others when needed, I love without condition.
7. Name people in your life who have shown you compassion.
My Heavenly Father, Jesus, my mother in law, my best friend, my aunts (mi Tia especially), my Myia, my Pa, my Nina, my Don, my father in law, my husband, my uncles, my daddy, my brothers, my sisters, my niece and at times even my mother.
8. List ten qualities you like about yourself.
1. I love my red hair.
2. I think I am funny.
3. My loyalty.
4. My love for music
5. My faith
6. My determination (you tell me I can't do it, I will just to prove you wrong)
7. My people skills
8. My love to learn
9. My ability to forgive
10. My ability to be a true friend, I am someone people can always count on to be there when they need a shoulder.
Surprisingly, this was hard. I had to search and distinguish the difference between pain and anger. Maybe you can try and do this yourself. I am learning so much about myself. I am so glad I decided to listen to my husband and do this. I love that he had prayed about it and was able to receive revelation. I love that my husband holds the Priesthood and the power it contains. I love that my husband can give me blessings and that I am filled with so much calmness, love and understanding. It made such a difference in me making the decision to go to this program.
I have also come to this conclusion. Anger- no matter what type it is or who it is directed at- controls you. It can, if you let it, control every aspect of your life. It can destroy you. I have made a conscious decision to no longer let anger control me. More importantly, the anger towards my mother. The more anger I have, the more control she has over me. I am done being angry. Her lack of support in this process (she has not called me once since I have been in treatment) had me so angry that all I wanted to do was go get loaded. And ruin the last 11 days. Instead, I am no longer empowering her. If she does not want to get to know me, if she does not want to love me for who I am without trying to change me, if she doesn't support my decisions in life- then she will not be apart of my life. I even wanted to write her a letter to express how angry I am at her. In doing so, I would only put her in more control and that is what our whole relationship has been about... control. Well- that is now over. Through meditation, prayer, journaling, and therapy, my anger will slowly disappear as will the control she has over me.
So today ends with a new beginning in site.
And only 4 more days till I get to see my daddy and my step-mom! I can't wait!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Day 5 Powerlessness and Unmanageability
Apparently, unmanageability is not a word.....
Anyways, things are getting better everyday.
I am finding myself becoming happy again.
However, today after lunch, I felt as though all my withdrawal symptoms had returned.
I felt shaky, achy, tired, irritable, angry, and in so much pain tears were streaming down my face.
I'll see a doctor tomorrow morning in the day program at 830. Hopefully some resolution will come.
In the day program, we are given three assignments we must complete over the course of 2 weeks in order to transition (or move on).
Today I am doing assignment number one. And guess what it is called? You guessed it- Powerlessness and Unmanageability. I am writing it here because I feel like it might help in the following ways, 1) I will gain a better understanding and will have something to look back on and 2) because I want those who are supporting my life and the choices I am making to improve my life will also know how the progress is going.
I am no longer afraid to admit, I have a problem. I am no longer afraid to admit I need help. And last Sunday, when people told me that they would support me and be there for me- I took their word. As you will come to learn, support is how I will become successful over my disease. Which is what I have- simply that. A disease for which there is no cure.
Addiction is a very cunning and baffling disease. Addiction affects our lives in ways that addicts are unaware of.
As the addict enters treatment, it's necessary for them to begin to understand how their addiction was in control of their lives.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you understand how your disease has affected you and your life. If you use Nicotine, or gamble addictively, consider these as you work on your assignment. Please be as honest and thorough as possible.
A. HISTORY OF ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUG USE:
1) At what age and under what circumstances did you begin drinking or using other drugs?
13. To fit in with a friend who I thought was good for me.
2) At what period of your life did you begin planning and anticipating drinking and using
other drugs?
This one is a bit difficult. I was 17 in France to drink and started to use drugs at
age 19.
3) When did you first realize that drinking and using other drugs was becoming a problem?
Within the last year, as it started to affect my job and family relationships.
B. CONSEQUENCES
1) How has addiction affected your health?
I have gained weight, I have been unable to conceive children.
2) How has addiction affected your family?
My family is beyond worried. It has disappointed my family which hurts me. It has burned bridges that I am not sure will ever be repaired. Trust has been lost.
3) How has addiction affected your social life?
I have completely isolated myself. I have no friends beside those of my family.
4) How has addiction affected your finances?
It hasn't- but it would have had I continued down the path I was going.
5) What, if any, legal problems have you had because of addiction?
Luckily, none.
6) What psychological problems have you had due to addiction?
It has escalated my depression and caused my bipolar and borderline personality disorder to get out of control.
7) List any other consequences you've suffered because of addiction.
I have hurt those I love closest to me so much. My actions because I was loaded, almost caused my husband to leave me. My job, my schooling everything stopped so I could feed one addiction or another.
C. HAVE YOU TRIED TO STOP USING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS BEFORE? IF YES, WHAT IS DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
This time, I have support. I am no longer trying to hide my addiction and therefore it will be more difficult to relapse.
D. DRAW A PICTURE REPRESENTING YOUR POWERLESSNESS AND SHARE WITH THE GROUP.
This will not happen here for obvious reasons, but maybe I can find a picture.
E. WRITE A BRIEF LETTER TO SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU, WHICH MIGHT EXPRESS YOUR COMMITMENT TO RECOVERY.
For this particular instruction, I have two letters I felt were needed to be written.
Daddy,
I have always been your little girl. I always wanted to make you proud of me. My heart is shattered because I have let you down. My disease has taken control and I have lost perspective on what I need to accomplish in life. I have hurt you in ways I didn't know were possible and have heard you shed one too many tears. You are my hero, and through recovery I hope I become half of the person you are. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me and for being there and supporting me. Because you have chosen to be there for me and I have chosen to accept your support, I will recover.
Forever your baby girl,
Moe
Dearest baby of mine,
The moment I knew you were inside me, I loved you. You were the missing link to my family. We had waited so long for you to come. For us to have a child of God and to begin living our life together as a family. Because of my addiction and my inability to stop using narcotics, God chose to take you home. My world shattered and I felt so lost without you. I wanted so desperately to have you come into this world, to know a love only mother's feel. So today, I promise you, my sweet baby, that I am going to get better. I will recover from this disease so that I can prepare to be a mother, clean, sober and healthy one. I love you angel.
Mom
Anyways, things are getting better everyday.
I am finding myself becoming happy again.
However, today after lunch, I felt as though all my withdrawal symptoms had returned.
I felt shaky, achy, tired, irritable, angry, and in so much pain tears were streaming down my face.
I'll see a doctor tomorrow morning in the day program at 830. Hopefully some resolution will come.
In the day program, we are given three assignments we must complete over the course of 2 weeks in order to transition (or move on).
Today I am doing assignment number one. And guess what it is called? You guessed it- Powerlessness and Unmanageability. I am writing it here because I feel like it might help in the following ways, 1) I will gain a better understanding and will have something to look back on and 2) because I want those who are supporting my life and the choices I am making to improve my life will also know how the progress is going.
I am no longer afraid to admit, I have a problem. I am no longer afraid to admit I need help. And last Sunday, when people told me that they would support me and be there for me- I took their word. As you will come to learn, support is how I will become successful over my disease. Which is what I have- simply that. A disease for which there is no cure.
Addiction is a very cunning and baffling disease. Addiction affects our lives in ways that addicts are unaware of.
As the addict enters treatment, it's necessary for them to begin to understand how their addiction was in control of their lives.
The purpose of this exercise is to help you understand how your disease has affected you and your life. If you use Nicotine, or gamble addictively, consider these as you work on your assignment. Please be as honest and thorough as possible.
A. HISTORY OF ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUG USE:
1) At what age and under what circumstances did you begin drinking or using other drugs?
13. To fit in with a friend who I thought was good for me.
2) At what period of your life did you begin planning and anticipating drinking and using
other drugs?
This one is a bit difficult. I was 17 in France to drink and started to use drugs at
age 19.
3) When did you first realize that drinking and using other drugs was becoming a problem?
Within the last year, as it started to affect my job and family relationships.
B. CONSEQUENCES
1) How has addiction affected your health?
I have gained weight, I have been unable to conceive children.
2) How has addiction affected your family?
My family is beyond worried. It has disappointed my family which hurts me. It has burned bridges that I am not sure will ever be repaired. Trust has been lost.
3) How has addiction affected your social life?
I have completely isolated myself. I have no friends beside those of my family.
4) How has addiction affected your finances?
It hasn't- but it would have had I continued down the path I was going.
5) What, if any, legal problems have you had because of addiction?
Luckily, none.
6) What psychological problems have you had due to addiction?
It has escalated my depression and caused my bipolar and borderline personality disorder to get out of control.
7) List any other consequences you've suffered because of addiction.
I have hurt those I love closest to me so much. My actions because I was loaded, almost caused my husband to leave me. My job, my schooling everything stopped so I could feed one addiction or another.
C. HAVE YOU TRIED TO STOP USING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS BEFORE? IF YES, WHAT IS DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
This time, I have support. I am no longer trying to hide my addiction and therefore it will be more difficult to relapse.
D. DRAW A PICTURE REPRESENTING YOUR POWERLESSNESS AND SHARE WITH THE GROUP.
This will not happen here for obvious reasons, but maybe I can find a picture.
E. WRITE A BRIEF LETTER TO SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU, WHICH MIGHT EXPRESS YOUR COMMITMENT TO RECOVERY.
For this particular instruction, I have two letters I felt were needed to be written.
Daddy,
I have always been your little girl. I always wanted to make you proud of me. My heart is shattered because I have let you down. My disease has taken control and I have lost perspective on what I need to accomplish in life. I have hurt you in ways I didn't know were possible and have heard you shed one too many tears. You are my hero, and through recovery I hope I become half of the person you are. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me and for being there and supporting me. Because you have chosen to be there for me and I have chosen to accept your support, I will recover.
Forever your baby girl,
Moe
Dearest baby of mine,
The moment I knew you were inside me, I loved you. You were the missing link to my family. We had waited so long for you to come. For us to have a child of God and to begin living our life together as a family. Because of my addiction and my inability to stop using narcotics, God chose to take you home. My world shattered and I felt so lost without you. I wanted so desperately to have you come into this world, to know a love only mother's feel. So today, I promise you, my sweet baby, that I am going to get better. I will recover from this disease so that I can prepare to be a mother, clean, sober and healthy one. I love you angel.
Mom
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