How do you know?

So after a short discussion with my boss, who told me that I was wrong about knowing what love is... I have decided to research this subject and decide... "How do you know you are in love?"

A co-worker is going through a divorce and since we are all pretty close, we are trying to give him some advice. My boss doesn't believe that what my co-worker feels for his soon-to-be ex wife is love. If it wasn't love, why would he continue to be with her for 7 years? Maybe I am just old fashioned and believe that love never stops... it can change... but it never stops. And I don't believe you can only fall in love once... but I do believe you have only one true love.

I have only one real experience of breaking up. I had a few "boyfriends" during my time, but before my husband, I was only in love once. And when we broke up... and the months that led up to our breakup was earth shattering. I really loved him, but he never loved me. There was a lot of time and energy that was put into our relationship, but I was really just someone to pass the time with. Knowing this, never made it easier to forget him or to stop loving him. A certain song would come on, or something was said, or a car like his would drive by and I would lose it. And only time made it easier to get through the days without him. It doesn't matter that he broke me heart and lied to me, it would not have made it any easier had he just told me that it wasn't working out. I honestly, hopelessly, completely loved him. And to an extent, still do today. I don't wish bad things on him. I wish him happiness and a good life. And if we ever meet on the street again, I will smile and be thankful for all he taught me. He taught me that true love is a lot different than anything I had ever felt. So when I met my husband for the first time, and we fell in love...

I knew this was it. This was the man I was going to spending the rest of my life with. I think I knew after our first fight, and the first tear fell, and I didn't want to be mad anymore... I just wanted to curl up into his arms and stay there forever. He became my comforter, my best friend, my confident. I knew I wouldn't be completely without this man. And trust me, we've had enough bumps in the road to make sure we would work. I can't imagine my life without him.

How did you know you were in love? Have you been in love more than once? Is that possible? I want to know. Here is what I have found so far:

Wikianswers.com "if you ask, you either doubt your feelings, in which case you aren't truly in love, or you don't know if the relationship will/would work out, which is an altogether different question, since being truly in love isn't enough for a successful relationship, though it's a good start, especially if by "you" you mean "both of you".

yahoo.com "i doubt anybody can really explain this no matter how detailed it is, and how hard they try. i asked my friend this question the other day and he said that just because your passionate about someone, or you love them, doesn't mean you are in love with them. People usually say that being in love means you want to spend the rest of your life with that person, but if you think you can spending the rest of your life with them. I doubt it is really love. You've got to find someone you can't live without :)"

beliefnet.com "Being in love is an altered state. Suddenly your life is focused on another person and you can't bear being separated from him or her. You are in a bubble of fantasy, feeling overcome and giddy. Love for another person, in contrast, is closer to appreciation and affection. Love is fairly reasonable, while being in love is more like a prolonged seizure, not literally sick or crazy, but one of those ordinary, positive ecstasies that take you out of ordinary life and introduce you to something new."

I wanna know what you think love is...

Downtime

I am at work and while on a bit of down time decided I would update this thing. I still find myself not have adequate time to update and that makes me sad. But really... how many people are really dying to read this? Probably not a lot, so I don't stress myself on it.

I have started a new job at Land/Home Financial and can honestly say, this is the happiest I have been at a job since Circuit City. That's like 3 years! I feel so blessed! Things are falling into place and now that I have said that, something will soon fall out of place :) I am working with some people I have worked with for quite sometime and LOVE it. This is the best!

Tom and I are continuing to prepare for the Temple- which is by far the biggest blessing in my life. I feel so grateful to have this opportunity. It is not too far away and I am excited to have people from our families travel and join us for our most special day. With preparing for the Temple, I have gained a strong testimony of paying tithing. I really didn't think much of it before, as we only paid when we felt we had the money to pay. Being that in order to enter the Temple, we have to be full tithe payers, we started to pay our tithing in full and sometimes that hurt. Instead of using the money to put away for rent, here we are writing out checks that could be used for something we need or want. But, I never was nervous about it. I felt so calm and collected, like the Spirit was telling me that we would be ok. If we followed the Lord's commandment and gave back 10% of what He gives us, we will be blessed. And blessed we have been. I am no longer worried about making rent. I know we will have the money, even though we don't have it yet. I am no longer worried about paying back our loans or making our bills. I just know it will be ok. And so far, I haven't been proven wrong. Tom was given more hours this week (like 11 more hours) and my work will pay me right away, even though I just started. And I owe it all to our Heavenly Father. And my sister told me this while I was in Wyoming for Morgan's birthday. She said, "Jason and I know that when we pay tithing, something always works out." I am so blessed that she is a member. I feel so much closer to her now than I ever have. I am excited for the possibility of her joining Tom and I in the Temple for our sealing. God has blessed us.

I have to remember that even when things don't go exactly to plan, that God has something better in store. That is so hard for me to remember sometimes, especially when I want it so desperately and right then!!! I know He has a plan. I know He knows what He is doing. I just have to have hope. And faith.

I feel like most of my blogs center around my faith. And I kind of enjoy that. I don't express it very often- although I hope to get better at it. I feel so happy to have this in my life. I felt like I was looking for it for so long.

"Hope is a good thing. And no good thing ever dies." ~Shawshank Redemption

Updates and thank yous!

I have so much I want/need to put up:

- The baby of Tom's family graduated high school!

-Tom and I's trip to Wyoming to go to a memorial service/family union

- We went through SLC on our way and I got to see an old friend (12 years now) and that was AMAZING!!! And spend some quality with the grandparents.

- Going the the opening house and going to see baptisms being done in the SLC Temple (I had an ear infection and couldn't do them :( but I at least got to go into the Temple for the first time with my grandparents)

- Spending time with my most beautiful niece.

- Telling my mom I was sorry... and for the first time, feeling my heart broke for her and all that she has gone through. I am so thankful for my mom. She truly is a beautiful women and has so much to offer this world. I am so lucky to have her in my life and to have such a wonderful relationship with her. Thanks Mom!

- Tom and I preparing for the Temple.

- My CALLING as a primary teacher for the sunbeams.

- Doors opening in my life that I wasn't sure was going to happen. I am going full commission at my job starting tomorrow and am going to go back to school and get my degree to teach!!! :)

So much has happened. And I feel like I don't have anytime to write... but that is a good thing.

I wanted to spend a few moments to thank some people who I have never really had the oppurtunity to thank. As I continue to prepare for time and all eternity with my husband, I continue to look back at people who have influenced my faith and who have lived their lives through the Gospel. I am brought back to when it first started 12 years ago:

My grandparents are the ones who really introduced me to the Church. I am so thankful they brought me the Gospel. I would not be here without them. Their example of marriage and of unconditional love is amazing.

The McQuade family as a whole but more specifically... Maggie was my first Mormon friend and she lived life so full and so happily growing up, and now as I see her with her family, I know God has truly blessed her. Her faith showed me so much and I will never forget the trip she invited me on to go see the Billings Temple open house. It was then that I felt the Spirit stronger than I ever had and I will never forget it. That and the joke her dad told me about the cemetary and people just dying to get in... haha!

Lacey- growing up she was probably one of my favorites and I still love her to death. I love her curls and her happiness radiates throughout any room she walks into. As I follow her blog about her waiting for Mark, I am inspired and touched at her faith. And I know that it is only through her faith and the Gospel that the love she has with Mark has lasted and is going to be for time and all eternity.

Nicole Madsen, Paige Murdock, Amanda Whitlock and Randi Jones- when I first starting investigating it was these girls that held my hand and helped me investigate. I took a few lessons, went to a few instiute classes and YW, even the activities and while I wasn't able to get baptized until I was 18, they never gave up on me. And even when I stopped investigating, they still asked and I believe still prayed for me.

My sister- I am so thankful that my sister is a member as well. Having someone in my family that understands and that will be there the day I get sealed is so amazing. I am so blessed that God provided her with the oppurtunity to hear the Gospel and that we can talked about the Church. She really has become one of my best friends and I never thought that would happen.

Aubrie Larson- throughout college, this little lady tried so hard to get me to go to institute and to go to activities with her... and while I never went... her persistance lived on in my heart and when I decided to get baptized, she was one of the first people I told. Her faith and testimony are amazing and I am so thankful to have met her and to have her in my life.

My husband- who since we started dating, showed me what life would be like with the Church and the Gospel in my life. It was amazing to me that even though he wasn't active how rightous of a life he still lead. I believe that is what made me start investigating again. He was so happy and he wasn't partying or doing bad things, he had that something I wanted. As we continue to grow together with the Gospel in our lives, I couldn't be more in love with him and I believe with everything I have that it is because of our faith in Christ that we are as strong as we are!

My mom- for letting me investigate and helping me make choices. It hasn't always been easy and I know she doesn't always agree with the Church. but her support is amazing.

I can't say it enough.... I am so thankful for the Gospel. My life is so much better now that it is in my life. I can't imagine where I would be without it. While it hasn't been the easiest road I have ever traveled, it is SO worth it. So thank you... all of you for making a difference in my life. I cannot wait to be with my husband for time and all eternity. I cannot wait to have a family of my own and know that we will be sealed together forever. I simply just cannot wait.

P.S. Pictures will go up soon of the trip home via SLC!

Eternity... here we come!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!  SEPTEMBER 5, 2009.  THOMAS AND CASSANDRA TAYLOR FOR TIME AND ALL ETERNITY!!!!!

I wonder if it really gets better than this.  Life is AMAZING!  The last few weeks have been amazing!  It has had it's fair share of trial and tribulations but God has so blessed us.  Today, Thomas gave me a blessing... his very first to me.  As we left his parent's house, I was so overwhelmed with emotion.  Something I thought we were so far from two years ago is almost here.  I am sure things are bound to get tougher the closer we get.  But I have found my happiness in Christ, in the Church and in the heavenly relationship I have with the most amazing man in the world.  I am forever grateful for the Gospel.  For what is has done for my life and for my relationship with my husband and my family.  Now if only this ear infection would just magically disappear! :)  

Familes Are Forever

Today has been a surreal day.  As we drove home from my mom's this evening, the car was filled with a silence I had never heard before.  Few words could be said to help soothe the sadness, the grief and the pain that filled the car and the people who sat in it.  

Today started with a drive up north to visit Tom's aunt Shelley who is on life support.  As of yesterday, they were giving her a few days to improve and then they were going to take her off life support.  Today was better than yesterday, but wasn't great.  She can't move, she is frail.  And all Thomas could do was stroke her arm and tell her that he loved her.  We talked with his cousin Kim for a while, and tried to just smile and laugh, but there was something in the room no one wanted to talk about.  Death.  I think this is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with, to let go of people you love, you care about, who had been a part of your life, no matter how big or how small.  It is never easy.  
On the way up to Roseville, my sister called to inform me that my mom's next door neighbor and long time friend, had lost her daughter that morning.  Her daughter's husband had strangled her with their two kids in the house.  I felt sick immediately.  I hadn't met Mia but twice, but I know Kelly (the neighbor and mom) quite well.  Mia was her only daughter.  I still felt great sorrow come over me.  I waited to call my mom for about an hour.  I wasn't sure if I couldn't stop the tears from over flowing down my face.  I wasn't sure what to think at that point.  I just needed to focus on my husband and how he was handling things and then I would move on to my mom.  After about an hour, I called my mom, and she just broke down.   She couldn't imagine losing her only daughter.  She couldn't imagine what would happen to the two children who are only 8 and 5.  She could hardly contain herself.  Thomas and I drove to my mom's and I started to ask questions.  Has there been a history of abuse?  Yes.  Restraining orders had been taken out.  One only 2 weeks ago.  There were so many "I'm sorrys" and "I won't do it again."  Were the kids in the house?  Yes.  What will happen to the children?  Hopefully Kelly will get them, they are the reason for her to live now.  How could this have happened?  I don't know.  Social Services allowed the two children, who I am sure are not clear what is going on, to come and stay with their grandmother.  

I just, I can't believe this.  I don't know how someone can take away someone else's life.  Tom told me a few weeks ago when my grandfather was in the hospital, that death is inevitable.  And yes, it is.  It is a part of life.  We are born, we live, we die.  But, no one but God should decide when we die.  How can someone take two beautiful children's mom away from them?  As I sat in the hospital, I look at Kim and thought, "I am so lucky my mom was there to help me plan for my wedding and to get my ready."  I took that for granted.  Today, I saw two daughters who will never get their mom to help them at their own wedding.  It breaks my heart.  Not only that, but today two kids lost both parents.  

I've never been affected by something like this.  I am not sure how to feel.  I am not sure what to feel.  All I know it tears are flooding my eyes for the hundredth time tonight.  
I pray for my family.  For Tom's family.  I pray for the Hunt family.  I am so thankful that our faith has taught us that Families Are Forever.  I can't tell you how much that means to me.  My only solace tonight is knowing that they can be together again.  That this life is only but a few blinks in regard for the eternity we get to spend with our Heavenly Father.  For that I am so thankful.

Rest in Peace Mia.  

Trying

For those of you who didn't know (and that's the majority of you), the last 8 months, Thomas and I have been trying to conceive.  Unfortunately, we have been unsuccessful.  We've had mixed reviews from people in our lives.  We have had people that are so supportive and excited for this new chapter in our lives.  We've had people tell us that we could do it, and that they would help us with the process.  We've had those tell us to wait, to live our lives, and then have children.  And then we've had those who have straight up told us they want nothing to do with us if we get pregnant.  

Now, I get the first two.  If God's will was for us to have a baby today, no amount of birth control would prevent Him from giving us a child- and I am sure we would do just fine.  And for whatever reason, God's plan has decided we need to wait and we will wait and continue to try.  And pray, that when it is God's time, that He will give us such a blessing.  

I get that we have the rest of our lives, and that babies are expensive and that we need to live our lives.  We understand ALL of that!  But our whole purpose on this earth is to bear His children, and we want that more than anything right now!  Don't think for one second that we haven't thought about what it would take.  We have!  We also know, that once we find our we are pregnant, we have 9 months to plan and prepare for our child.  

For those of you who do not or will not support this decision, that is up to you.  We will not pack our bags and move.  We will do with what we have and cut back on things if that's what it takes, but just like our parents and their parents, we will make it.  Your love and support would be appreciated but no amount of threats or disapproval will change how we feel- we want a family.

I think the worst part for me is that, the people I wish were here to console us as we struggle with conceiving are no where to be found.  Each month, it has been a stab in the heart when we find out that once again, we are not having a baby to call ours.  I have never been more disappointed or heartbroken.  I feel let down.  

BUT!!!  I know that God has continued to bless us.  I know that when He is ready He will bless us with one of His own.  We continue to rely on Him to get us through this.  And as we all know, it is done in His time... not our own.

In the meantime, Thomas and I are doing wonderful!  We are looking forward to our trip to Salt Lake and then to Wyoming in June.  I am so very excited!  Work is keeping both of us busy!  It is truly a blessing.  We are still preparing for the Temple in September.  My diet coke intake in minimal :) and things just continue to get better. We have Temple Prep every Sunday and I have met some fantastic people.  I am so very thankful to have people in our Ward we can become friends with.  It makes things so much easier.  We are still looking for a house.  With Lee starting school, we weren't sure if it was going to happen, but I just found out we may be able to use our tax credit as a down payment.  *crosses fingers*

That is all for now.  Hope all is well with you!

My Muse

Last night, as I waited for Thomas to get off work, I decided to start sorting my iTunes.  As of right now, I have 1661 songs on there- which doesn't even touch 1/3 of my music library.  I honestly think if I put all my music on the computer- our computer would crash.  Tom insists that I clean out my library of music I don't listen to, but that is so hard for me to even fathom.  I love music too much and even if I don't listen to it now- one day I will want to.  Music for me is most woman's clothing or shoes. 

Anyhow, last night, I managed to narrow down my 1661 songs to 230 of my favorite ones of all time- or just right now.  It was a tough decision... and now I've decided to narrow down my top 10 songs that remind me of Thomas... for today.    

So- today- I am madly in love, relax, anxious and happy.  Let's see what this list becomes and why....

In no particular order:

1)Love You 'Till The End- The Progues- not only was this the first chick flick Tom watched with me but it also describes to a tee how I feel about my husband.  *goosebumps*

2)Holdin' On- Citizen's Cope- Great song to listen to while the rain is falling and I think it is terribly romantic. *sigh*

3)Sparks- Coldplay- Another rainy day song... but love the lyrics and how it makes me feel... so happy :)

4)Don't Wait- Dashboard Confessionals- This will always be one of my favorite songs.  It started with me in Denver- with B (one of the guys I worked with) wrote the lyrics on a napkin for me- and took me all the way here... Don't wait...

5)My Heart is Yours- Dave Matthews- The soft melody almost brings tears to my eyes- the lyrics do.  A perfect example of my love for Thomas.  

"When you hold my hand time stands still When the hurt and the pain fills my heart It's your love that heals When I'm feeling this feeling inside I know that it's true That every single beat of my heart Is beating for you."

6)I Miss You- Incubus- Great for driving in the rain... Love love love this song

7)Better Together- Jack Johnson- It is the theme song to our love :)

8)Annie's Song- John Denver- This was played at our wedding... the best day of my life thus far... I am so in love with Tom

9)Making Memories of Us- Keith Urban- I love making memories with Tom... I can hardly wait to see where we end up... I am so excited to see us 50 years from now.

10)I Melt- Rascal Flatts- So many memories behind this song.  Sets the perfect romantic mood for a rainy day.  

Now I could go... I could put our song "Everything" by Micheal Buble.  I could put his ringtone which is Wrapped Up in You by Garth Brooks and a hundred other songs... lol... but I will stop here.  

He is my muse.  

I am so very lucky to be his wife.  

I can't wait until we are sealed!!!!