You and Me + One = Three

18 weeks!

2012-02-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

Baby is the size of a:

Baby is slathered in a greasy, waxy, cheese-like substance known as vernix caseosa to keep it from bruising, abrasions, and chapping caused by amniotic fluid exposure.

Baby is on the move quite often and it makes mommy very happy :)

Baby can now hear mommy and daddy talking.

Baby also responds to music.

Mommy:

Mommy is feeling better than ever.

Mommy is loving feeling the baby move.

Mommy's ligaments are growing every day and hurt a lot (but it is worth it).

Mommy has her 20 week (19 really) next week. We are making sure baby has all 10 fingers and all 10 toes, and see its little nose. Mommy can't wait!!!

Dearest Baby,
Everyday I feel you more and more. You are one active baby, moving around constantly, dancing and rolling around. I fall more and more in love with you each time I feel you. I can't wait to meet you. I have been waiting for this for so long and am determined to enjoy every moment I have with you, even if you are still just growing inside my belly. I get to see you in just a few days, make sure you have all your fingers and all your toes. I will get to see and hear your heartbeat (it is the sweetest sound to my ears and to my heart). You are already so loved. I can't imagine how things will be when you are here, but I know no matter what you are going to be loved beyond words. I just wanted you to know how much I love you. I can't wait for you to be here. To see those eyes, and have your fingers wrap around mine, to hear you cry (I promise to remember that when you are crying ALL the time), to have you cuddle with me. Keep dancing baby T! I love you.

Mommy

16 weeks!!!!!

2012-01-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

Baby is the size of an....

Baby is moving at night... feels like little butterflies moving on the right side of the tummy just below the belly button.
Baby's eyes are close to their final position and its possible that baby can hear mommy and daddy when they talk.
Baby's heart is now pumping 25 quarts of blood each day and it will only pump more as time goes on.

Mommy is doing wonderful.
She has quite a cold this past week but seems to finally be getting over it.
She is still craving bacon and potatoes.
She is getting so excited for see the baby on February 8th.
Mommy's belly is growing everyday and can feel her ligaments stretching.
Mommy also has more energy and doesn't always require a nap everyday.

14 WEEKS!!!!

2012-01-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

BABY:

Our little bean is the size of a....

Our bean is growing big and strong everyday.
Baby is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver kidneys and spleen continue to develop.
Lanugo is growing all over the body for warmth.

Baby at 13 weeks

You can see the bean putting its hand on its head. Our little bean has attitude already :)

Mommy:

Finally feels like she has "popped"
Feels like she can feel the baby moving around, soft little flutters.
Has kidney stones, but is finally starting to feel better.
Is thankful for daddy's back and neck rubs and bubble baths.
Is craving bacon, anything potatoes and sandwiches with lettuce, mayo, pickles and dijon mustard.
Is loving being pregnant and can't wait for the next 26 weeks.

12 WEEKS!

2011-12-20T15:37:00.000-08:00

BABY:

SIZE OF A LIME

BABY AT 11W4D

Baby now has reflexes.
Baby's fingers will open and close.
Baby's toes will curl.
Baby's cute mouth will begin to make sucking movements.
Baby squirms when I (or anyone else) touches my belly (I can't feel it yet)

MOMMY:

I am rarely feeling sick now.
I still have headaches.
I still need a nap at least once a day.
I have started to take up prenatal yoga and LOVE it.
We are getting more and more excited for baby to become part of our family.

And last but not least... a video of baby waving!!! We were so excited to see this! It is still hard to believe that is 28 weeks or so, I will be a mommy!!!!

WEEK 9

2011-11-30T10:39:00.000-08:00

Baby is the size of a:

PRUNE

BABY:

Bones and cartilage are forming.
Arms can already flex.
Teeth are forming underneath the gums.
If baby is a boy, he is producing testosterone.

MOMMY:

Still getting horrible migraines.
Has only thrown up 3 times this week *whooo hoooo!*
Must take a nap once a day.
Is feeling extremely blessed to have this little prune growing inside me.
Tummy is getting harder and rounder by the day :)

In other news: I am flying into Denver today to FINALLY meet my cousin Fiona. I am so excited to spend 6 glorious days with my family!!! And there is supposed to be SNOW!

8 weeks and counting!

2011-11-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

So I've decided I just can't up and leave this blog. There has been too much put into it. So- here I go with the updates about the newest news in our lives.

We are having a baby!!!!!

WEEK 8
Baby:

He/She is the size of an olive.
He/She is an inch long.
Starting to look more and more like a baby.

Mommy:

Sick all the time, but rarely throws up anymore.
Killer migraines.
Starting to get a bump already :)
Wants to eat all the time, but can't find out what to eat/

Here is the little olive at 7 weeks when it was just a little raspberry.

We are due July 3rd and have been told the doctor won't let us go more than a week before the induce, so we are looking at July 3rd to July 10th and T is hoping for a fourth of July baby. We aren't going to find out the sex. We both figure it is a gift from God and we shouldn't peek, so gender neutral until the little munchkin is born :)

After trying for as long as we did, we want to say thank you to everyone who gave us support in our journey. It was a very long and difficult one for us and we couldn't have done it without you. We can't wait to share the rest of this baby's life with you.

All our love.

New Blog

2011-11-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

In a recent turn of events, I have started a new blog. You can check it out at:

http://www.growingbbtaylor.wordpress.com

It will update the pregnancy and our lives of being pregnant- feel free to take a look.

Love to all.

Where does the time go????

2011-09-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

It has been the most insanely busy, overwhelming, loving every minute of it few weeks.

I feel like I have had little to no time to myself.

I am working, going to school, being a mom and being a wife. Not to mention, trying to keep the house clean, workout and continue to do the things God has asked of me. I have never been more busy, stressed out and happy.

H is doing well in school. It seems she has a ton of homework every day, but she likes school and is making friends. It has been such an experience to watch her grow in the 2 months she has been with us. She is incredibly bright. She helps out at home and is growing in the Gospel. She is going to seminary in the morning. She is making friends. She even went to the game on Friday night.

I know this is preparing me for motherhood. I know that the busy schedule and the time and and energy I put into my life and into Heather's is only giving me a slight idea of what it will be like to have a baby of my own. I only hope I can do it with diligence and with love. A lot of love.

I started a new job on Tuesday. I am working as a dispatcher for an alarm company. On the 21st, I start my graveyard shift. I will be working from 630pm to 500am Wednesday through Saturday. I am nervous, but I know that is was something God has a say in. Someone will always be home for H. Tom and I can share the car without having to worry about the other. I will be able to attend Church. And it won't affect my school too much. I know that God has provided me with this awesome opportunity. A chance to start anew.

Exciting news!!!! We have been approved to buy a house!!! I am so excited to finally own something of our own. We are actively looking and I hope we are able to get into something that we like and can stay in for a while. :)

Tom and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary on Tuesday. I cannot believe we have been married for 3 years!!! It has gone by so fast. Despite all of our obstacles and all of our difficult times, I am madly in love with this man. The last 3 years have been the best of my life. He has helped me become the person I have longed to be. I am so thankful for him, for the Priesthood he holds, and for all he does for me. I am honestly looking forward to the next 50 years.

We went camping for our anniversary. We went to Patrick's Point which is 5 hours north on the coast. It was incredibly beautiful, cold and worth all the work that was put into it. We got to see the Redwood's, which I had never seen before. We got to drive through a tree. We got to drive down the Avenue of the Giants and hike. I will definitely be going back there.

Well, other than that, life is good. Busy. But good. I am now below 200 pounds and loving getting back into shape. I feel better than I have in a long time and can't wait to see what the next 40 does for me. :)

Change is inevitable

2011-08-23T16:04:00.000-07:00

Change.
It is something that each of go through at one point in our life.
We can choose to do something with that change.
We can let it swallow us if it is not something we want to change.
We can let it guide us to where we are suppose to be.
We can choose to do nothing about it.

A good friend of mine once told me, "Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” It was written by Frank Herbert and it couldn't be more truthful, at least to me.

On Sunday, I was driving with my MIL out to see sissy. We were talking about the circumstances that have been placed in front of me over the last few months. BIG changes have taken place. BIG obstacles have come my way. We talked about how a year ago, there is no way I would have been able to handle any of these changes. I would have let it swallow me whole and I would have disappeared. I was really sick. Mentally, physically and emotionally. And then my family did something that made me angry. That hurt me. That saved me. They forced me to look at myself. And it took me a long time to recognize that this was a change I needed to go through.

I have always wanted to be a better person. To show people that I really do love them. That they are important to me. I have always wanted to make others proud of me and my actions. I have always wanted to be the girl that had integrity. I have always wanted someone to look up to me. And none of that was going to happen if I stayed where I was at. I was hurting so many people around me, but more importantly, I was killing myself. I was slowly watching myself fall. And thankfully, I had my family and my Heavenly Father there to catch me. And thank you, Mom, for recognizing the change my heart has made.

I know that in my years of destruction (and that was a lot of my life), I hurt many people. I am sorry. I will atone to each and every one of you in one way or another, but know that I know. I have not forgotten. In fact, it is what makes me strive to be a better person, to SHOW you that change has taken place in my life.

I must give this change in me to someone higher than all of us. I have FINALLY, after trying and trying over the years, put my faith completely in God (this didn't just happen, but it is what changed me). It is Him who has changed my heart. It is Him who gets all my praise. I couldn't do it without Him and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He knows what He is doing. I wear a bracelet that was given to me by my aunt everyday that reminds me that He will never forsake me (I know you won't either Fritz). I love that T and I have centered our lives around the Gospel. We pray together EVERY morning. We go to church. We serve. We live for God's purpose. I am so thankful that I have had this opportunity.

A year ago. Hmph! What a year it has been. What a BLESSING it has been.

Thank you baby for hanging in there with me.
For being my strength, my hope, and my feet when I couldn't stand.
Thank you for never giving up on me.
I am so proud of you and so thankful for you.
You are the best thing to have ever happened to me.
I love you!

And thank you friends and family, for being true.
For being there when I needed someone.
My life is made all the more beautiful with you in it.
And thank you for loving me unconditionally.

I am truly blessed.

All my love
XOXO

I'm thirsty anyway- so bring on the rain......

2011-08-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been a rollarcoster. I am definately ready for things to settle down, although I don't foresee that happening anytime soon.

After my trip to Wyoming, I was let go from my job.
I am really trying to see this as a blessing, as raising a 15 year old is a lot of work.
It took us 3 days to just register H for school and I wouldn't have been able to do it had I been working.
I have also been able to start getting ready to back to school.
I am ahead in my Shakespeare class and have already passed the first quiz :)
It also allows me to be a better wife and make sure T is completely taken care of.

It also allowed me to take a trip with K to Las Vegas to say goodbye to my great aunt Diane.
Aunt Diane was my grandpa B's sister. While I don't know that side of the family very well, it was heartwarming to meet new family members and to see that my family really does belong to the Church.
I was able to see my cousin Nai Nai and her baby boy Rylan Jay.
I was able to finally meet my Aunt C's husband and see where she is living.
And I had my first time on the slot machines and won $315.00. It paid for my trip and for the new tires we needed on the car.

Upon returning, I recieved some news that some of my close family members are having a run of bad luck with their health. Not wanting to break confidentiality, I won't mention names or what is going on, but it just brought me back to the place of wanting to cherish every moment I have with those I love. Who knows when it will be the last time?

The last few weeks, while difficult, have been a blessing.
I have had 2 interviews with great companies and am hoping to hear from them, but still looking.
I am taking 3 classes at the local community college (Shakespeare, American Sign Language and Stats).
I am loving the chance to be a mother like figure to H.
I have lost a total of 68 pounds.
I am training for a 5K in October.
And I am happy.

T is doing well. He is busy with work. And when he is not at work, Church and H is keeping him busy. He loves his job and excels at it everyday. I am so proud of him.

T and I are hoping to be in Colorado come November for baby Fi's baptism. I can't wait to meet her. I also told F that if I don't have a job by the time she needs to go back to work, I'll come to Colorado and be baby Fi's nanny. :) She is doing well and growing stronger every day! I am so thankful for the blessings God has showered down upon her.

All our love.

They say you can't go home again.....

2011-08-15T22:08:00.001-07:00

Home is where the heart is. And my heart is in Casper. It always has been.

Growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave. I couldn’t wait to see what the world had to offer me. I couldn’t wait to travel and see the world. To grow up and to not be in the shadow of my family.

Little did I know, I would crave the open spaces, the sweet air, the endless sky, the brightness of the stars, the small town feel and the people I am closest too.

Going back, always brings up so much emotion for me. Mostly because of this beautiful little girl who has stolen my heart from the day she was born. She can always make me smile and lights up my world. She is my world. I can’t imagine loving anyone more than how much I love her. She is my niece. Waking up to her laughter and to the sweet sound of her voice is what made this trip, although sad and difficult, worth it all. Having her run up to me and hug me and tell me she loves me warmed my heart so much.

As I got ready to leave this morning, she didn’t leave my side. She helped me pack and watched me put on makeup. She laughed with me and gave me kisses and hugs. We played “Rescue” and I tickled her. And as I got ready to go, I kneeled down and got a kiss from her. She gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. Tears started to roll. I didn’t want to leave this girl. I didn’t want to spend another 6 months away from her and have to miss her growing up. She said, “I miss you.” Her eyes looked so sad. I said, “I miss you too.” She stood at the door, while I started to walk out the car. I had her come out so I could do “Eye Winker, Tom Tinker” one more time. I told her to go inside and watch Spongebob as tears streamed down my face. She stood at the door and said she loved me over and over again. I told her to close the door and she ran up the stairs to look out the window. She waved to me until I couldn’t see her anymore and it took all I have to not break down. To not just stay. To not go back and swoop her up in my arms and tell her once again how much I truly love that little lady.

Even as I write this, tears well up in my eyes. I am so thankful that my sister gave me this beautiful niece that is so full of life and imagination. She is so smart and so wonderful to be around. I couldn’t ask for a better niece.

I said goodbye to a wonderful, amazing, man this weekend. I said goodbye to my Godfather. I saw his life is pictures and I saw so many of the people whose lives he touched- young and old. I feel so blessed that my sweet husband worked so hard so that I was able to be here for this. I got to spend time with those who are my family (even if not by blood). I got to see where I lived and where my heart has always been.

I got to be with my best friend from high school, with my sister and my seester. I got to spend some much needed time with Molly and talked to her in lengths about life. The trip just needed to be longer. I needed the trip to be longer.

I doubt I will ever get to go home again. I am going to have to place my roots somewhere else. But today I left my heart in Wyoming again- and it will stay there, with my Moogs, until I return.

The Voice

2011-07-22T08:41:00.001-07:00

No, I am not talking about the singing show- although I love it! I am talking about the still small voice that has become such a great force in my life. I am talking about the way that God has prepared me for the path I am journeying on.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have felt the Spirit guiding me and preparing me for the future. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father has been preparing me to be a mother. My heart has felt at peace with the fact that we have struggled with conceiving. I KNOW I will be a mother one day.

I never expected that day to arrive so soon.

Last Saturday night, I received some news that changed my world. That changed our world. T and I became guardians of a 15 year old, H.

T's family has known H's family for quite a long time. H's older sister is best friends with T's little sister. Through them, I have developed close relationships with H and her sister C. I admire them for their faith, tenacity and strength. I am proud of each one of them and have LOVED watching their testimonies grow.

And when I was asked by H if she could stay with T and I, I instantly knew this was something God had been preparing me for. A conversation a few days later with H's mother (who is too ill to take care of H) asked me to be her guardian. We spoke with our Bishop and it was settled. We would take H in as our own and do everything we can to have a home for her that is structured, full of love and centered in God.

Even with a few questions in the back of our mind and some reservations (can we parent a 15 year old? Will she respect us? Can we separate ourselves as friends and be her authority?), we have readily accepted the challenge God has placed before us.

And my heart feels glad, whole. Maybe it is because I finally get to be a mom of sorts.... Or maybe it is because I know I can impact this young woman's life. I know that ALL of the things I have gone through will provide me with some of the wisdom I need to guide her, to help her and be an example to her.

In just the short time she has already stayed with us, we have started to work on her Personal Progress (morals and values a young woman in the Church learns through prayer, scripture and projects). We are working on integrity and virtue right now. Through virtue, we are reading the Book of Mormon in 97 days. We also included H's mom and a newly converted member to this project. In compliance with virtue, H keeping her commitment to us to read 5.5 pages a day will complete her integrity project. She also taught FHE on Monday. Her spirit is so sweet.

For now, we are taking this one day at a time. We hope to see her mom recovered within 90 days. But if not, we will go from there. We have never been more busy, as we are active within our ward, I am working out, working overtime and I now have a beautiful lady to watch over, feed and nurture.

I am flying into Wyoming today for my Godfather's memorial on Saturday. I am excited to be able to be there to celebrate his life and to spend some much needed time with my sister and my niece. I am hoping to go back to the Ward where I started my journey on Sunday and then Monday I leave. Short but sweet.

Hope this finds all of you well.

All my love
Cass <3

Tonight

2011-07-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

Tonight my heart breaks.
It has been a long since my heart longed for a baby.
Maybe it is because I get my cravings fulfilled at church with all the beautiful babies there.
But tonight as my husband and I talked about our future- I felt my heart break.
Tears stream down my face as I think about not being a mommy.
As I think about what it would be like to hold my own baby.
To watch my sweet angel sleep on my chest.

I have tried to be strong.
To put my faith in God.
I know He knows what He is doing, but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I feel like part of me is missing.
That I am not good enough.
I am not filling my calling on this Earth.
That I am failing my husband.
My Heavenly Father.

Tonight, I want a family.
I want a baby to cry at night.
And to poop, eat and sleep.
I want to know what it is like to be exhausted.
To do feedings in the middle of the night.
And to have my babies cuddle me.

Tonight, my heart longs for a baby.

2011-06-26T15:05:00.000-07:00

On June 23rd at 9:36 am, Fiona Feyisayo Obakeye was born. She weighed 4 pounds 14 ounces and was 18 inches long. She was 7 weeks early, but she is very strong and doing very well. And so is my aunt! I am so very excited and ecstatic for my aunt and uncle. I can't wait to meet sweet Fi! Just a few more weeks :)

Isn't she beautiful!!!!?????!!!!

2011-06-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to write about this particular subject for some time now.
I guess it is partly because I want to justify myself
And maybe defend myself
But more so, to help people understand.

I have had a lot of obstacles in my life.
I have struggled with some extremely difficult problems in my life.
I have always been a pretty vocal person.
I have never been shy to share my experiences or to offer advice when asked.
And even now as I struggle with infertility, mental illness and addiction- I am not afraid to share my story.

I don't care what people think of me.
If they judge me.
They haven't walked in my shoes.
They don't know what I have gone through.
And those that love me will never judge me or think less of me.

I am often reminded that we all have struggles.
We were placed on this Earth to become the best person we can be.
We will have obstacles placed in front of us.
It is what we do with those obstacles that will determine how life will go for us.

I believe more now that because of my experiences, I will be able to help others.
I know that I finish my studies to become a teacher, that I will be able to make a difference.
I know that this is what I have always been meant to do with my life.

Am I ashamed of the choices I make?
Sometimes.
Do I regret the choices I've made?
Sometimes.
But I refuse to live in the past anymore.
I am moving forward.
I refuse to hide who I am.

I AM bipolar.
I AM infertile
I AM a recovering addict.
And I AM happy.

I am taking my mistakes, my faults and using them to my advantage.
I am becoming a healthier, better, stronger woman.
And slowly but surely, as I admit my feats and work on them- I know I will make it.

I think more than anything, my faith in God has changed.
Magnified.
I became desperate for Him.
And now I am striving everyday to be like Him.
To follow the promises I have made.
To be the daughter He created me to be.

I will always have a long way to go.
I will always fall short.
But that is why the Atonement is so glorious.
That is why I am so grateful for the cross Jesus chose to bear.
For me.
For you.
For this world.

Another milestone

2011-06-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

Today, I have been clean and sober for 150 days.
Today, I am happy that I made the decision to get help.
Today, I am happy that the people who love me confronted me.
Today, I am happy.

Today, I want to help others who struggle with addiction or abusing drugs or alcohol.
Today, I am getting healthy.
Today, I am going to a counselling.
Today, I am happy.

Today, I feel better than I ever have.
Today, I am excited for the future.
Today, I am relying on God.
Today, I am happy.

I can't imagine having done this without my family and my friends.
Tom has been incredible. His faith in me never falters and he loves me unconditionally. I am truly blessed to have him as my husband.
I am not sure if I ever thanked any of you for your concern and for voicing your concerns.
I am sure I was angry *although I really don't remember*
But today, I couldn't be more grateful.
My whole world has changed.
And for the first time, in a very long, I am happy, truly happy.

Thank you for your endless prayers, love, support and words.
I am eternally grateful.

All my love.

Wedded bliss #4

2011-06-08T16:32:00.000-07:00

Proposal: how it happened, how long were you engaged for? was it a total surprise? pictures of that... etc.

Now this isn't the most romantic proposal ever- but it works for us.

Without going into too much detail :) Tom had come over to my house for my very first missionary discussion. It happened to also be Halloween of 2007. After my first discussion, Tom picked me up and carried me to bed. He then tucked me in and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Of course I said yes! But I made a stipulation... he had to ask my daddy.

So the next day, he called my father and asked him if he could marry me.
My dad said yes with the following conditions, he meets Tom and that we were engaged for at least a year.

So that December, Tom and I flew to Denver where my daddy welcomed him into the family.

Not exactly a year later (a year and 3 days after we met), Tom and I were married.

We got sealed for time and all eternity 364 days later.

BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was I surprised? Yes. I didn't expect him to do it that night. We had talk about it- even had promise rings- but I had no idea.

No pictures, but it was one of the greatest moments of my life.

I'M ON A ROLL THIS TIME AND HEAVEN IS IN SIGHT

2011-06-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

I know I know I know... it has been a while since I have written.
I just haven't felt like writing until recently- and life has picked up, so there is even less time for writing now, but since I am alone at the in-laws doing our laundry, I figured why not write?
Why not catch you up on our ever busy life? Ha!

Where do I begin?

I thought a lot about venting about a current frustration, but then after some prayer and reflection, I realized that I shouldn't get myself so worked up about a situation that I cannot control. I have done all I can do and now it is time for FAITH!

Yesterday, I returned to work after being on leave for 2 months. It felt really good to be back. And while I know this isn't what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life, I do want to take advantage of this time to save money, pay off debt and get our lives started. It is also a HUGE motivator to finish school. I don't want to wake up dreading going into work for the rest of my life. I want to love my job. I want to make sure that I do what I am supposed to be doing with my life.

Tom is loving his new job and is quickly turning into their prized possession. He was told yesterday that within 6 months to a year, they expect him to be the warehouse manager and to be helping out with the computer side of things (I knew his love for computers would come in handy one day)!!! And I LOVE him working. I LOVE taking care of the house and taking care of the chores. I LOVE knowing that we are going to be able to pay off all of our debt, save money, buy a house, get a new car, travel and enjoy life a little more now that we both have full time employment. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off both of our shoulders. It is really so nice.

I have been working out so much. I had to stop running (momentarily) because my shin splints (they got so bad, I thought I was never going to walk again), but I have been swimming instead. It has always been my sanctuary and it still is. It feels so good to get into the pool and just release all of my frustrations out on the water. I love the feeling of streaming through the water. I love the feeling of my arms pulling me through. I love the feeling of the water on my legs. I love blowing bubbles when I breathe. It just all does my heart something good. I am also watching my calorie intake. 1200 calories a day. Lots of water. It feels great. I am motivated and am ready to get back into shape. And then stay in shape.

Life on the mental health front seems to be leveling out (FINALLY)! Because Tom and I would like to start trying to have a family again at the beginning of the year, it was recommended that I stop taking 3 out of the 6 medications I was on. It isn't good to be on them once you've conceived, and it can take up to 6 months for it all to be out of your system. The other 3 (one of the them birth control) will be stopped in January. I plan on being medication free while trying to conceive and during the pregnancy. I have been told that it is OK to be on some of these medications while you are pregnant, but there are still risks, and risks I am not willing to take. As far as my mental status, it could change, but I will be seeing my therapist on a weekly basis during all of that time so that everything can be monitored safely. I am thankful that a plan has already been placed down, so that I know what is to come (as much as I can know anyways).

At the beginning of the post today, I mentioned that all I can do right now is have faith. It has been a rough couple of months, preceded by some really horrible periods in my (our) life. I know that I wouldn't be able to recognize the blessings that we have received had we not had to go through some of the obstacles that have been placed in front of us. I know that we are only stronger in our faith in God because we were steadfast and held onto the iron rod. I am in no way perfect. I have fallen, stumbled, scraped my hands and knees, all but given up, and turned my back, but God kept carrying me, holding my close and letting me know how much He loves me. How much He loves us. How proud He is of us and our faith.

My testimony grows each and every day.
I have a few experiences that I would like to share.

The first one happened yesterday. One of the ladies I work with gave me a ride home yesterday. We will call her Tete. Tete is 4 months pregnant with her 3rd child. Her husband hasn't worked in over 2 years. She works the same job I do, same hours. She drives one hour (or more depending on traffic) each way to work. Things are really difficult for them. She has been worried about getting her electric bill paid so that it doesn't get turned off. She has waited so long to pay it that it is well over $500.00. And yet, despite all of the turmoil, she has such an air about her. She still smiles and laughs. She does her job well. She was gracious to give me a ride home. She still has faith that everything will work out. When I got out of the car yesterday, my heart was overcome with graciousness. Tom and I will never have to worry about our bills being paid. We've had to humbly ask for help several times, and we've never been turned away. I felt so grateful that we haven't received the blessing of having a child yet. God needed us to wait. He needed us to be able to provide a good life for His children. Now, I am not saying Tete doesn't do a good job, but how much easier would it be if they both had jobs? And to have a 3rd child, with diapers and formula... I couldn't imagine. And maybe that is why we are just now being prepared to start a family?

On Sunday, it was fast and testimony meeting at Church. For those of you who are not familiar with the Church, this is where for the first hour, members of the Church, get up in front of everyone and bear their testimony. We also fast for two meals and give the money we would spend on those meals to tithing. Now it is not rare for me to fast with a purpose. A prayer, or well wishes, a problem or some guidance, but Sunday, I was drawing a blank. Tom was there at Church with me, we had picked up our friend H, who also brought a friend and life was good.
(Some background)---- up until a couple of months ago, Tom and I really hadn't been going to Church. We would go to Sacrament maybe once a month, but found sleeping in to be what would hold us from attending Church. When we don't go, we don't pay our tithing, we don't get to be in fellowship, and we don't get to learn and we really drift from where we should be in our lives. Now turn back to April 17. Tom and I went to Church with his mom and dad. And it was incredible. And we've been going ever since. Tom now has Sundays off (another blessing) and we get to spend the WHOLE day together.

.... back to the point.... Hearing people bear their testimonies and witnessing to us is always a treat. It always helps my own personal testimony grow. But one in particular really touched me. And it wasn't given at our Church- it is from a blog that I have been following for sometime now. Her name is Red Hot (obviously changed to protect her) and she has an incredible story. A changed heart. The glory that comes from Repentance and from the Atonement. You can see her blog here. Her story, her faith, her courage and her love has changed me. And every time she shares something wonderful about the Gospel or about her own personal life, I am made better. I hope that I can be that type of person too. I want to be the light that Christ has instilled in me. I want people to want what I have. I want to be an example. And I want to live a life that will get me next to Heavenly Father one da

Also on Sunday, I was reminded to thank my MIL for all she does to help me. For some, it may not seem like much, but to me, it is everything. I have learned how to cook, how to sew (some stuff), how to be more creative, and because of Victoria, I am slowly starting to become the type of wife/mother I want to be. I love learning new things from her all the time. Things I never knew before. And I love that she takes the time to be with me, to spend with me, to make me feel special. I can't imagine having a better MIL. I don't know how else to thank her than to just show her or tell her. I want to take her out sometime, just the two of us. I love our walks and our talks. I love that I can tell her anything, and I have NEVER felt like she has ever judged me. I have so much respect and love for this woman. I have watched her change over the last 4 years into a very happy, self-assured person. She has helped me realize that change is constant, that life is not to be put to waste living on regrets. I love our scripture study and our conversations about the Gospel. She is just another HUGE blessing in my life and I couldn't have made it this far without her. Thanks Mom for always being there. I am eternally grateful!

Other than that- life is pretty dull.
July, I head to Wyoming for my Godfather's funeral.
I can't wait to spend time with Moogie (as well as other family)
Maybe by then my aunt and uncle's little girl will be here :)
We will go back to Colorado when she is baptized.
September, we are planning on going camping for our 3rd anniversary with Tom's parents.
And Incubus is coming to San Francisco October 9th and I desperately want to go.

I hope I didn't forget anything, but if I did, oh well.

I hope all is well with you!

Much love! <3
XOXO

P.S. If you haven't heard the new Coldplay song---- GO LISTEN TO IT!!!!!!!!!!

(I had already posted this, when I was folding laundry and remembered this)
In Relief Society on Sunday, we were talking about how important it is to follow the Prophet. The Sunday before, I had expressed an experience I had during the week that had really taught me the importance of following the Prophet.

Now most of you know, I have been struggling to conceive children. Tom and I tried for almost 3 years, before taking a break. It has been one of the toughest battles of my life. There has been a lot of crying, bargaining, praying, heartache and faith. While in Sunday school, I talked about how I had just read an article about caffeine and how it can hinder fertility. Now the Prophets have never really talked about caffeine per say, but coffee and tea we are asked to abstain from. And before I become LDS, I loved coffee- I still love coffee and even more so I love tea, iced tea to be exact. I never really understood why we were asked to abstain from it. I thought it was just silly mumbo jumbo, but then it hit me- we were counseled, we were asked to do things that would only help us- never hinder us. I will now ALWAYS follow the Prophet and His counsel. No matter what it is, I will follow.

Wedded bliss #3

2011-05-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

2. When you knew he was the one: self explanatory.. but how and when did you know?

It was almost immediate. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and Tom treated me so well. We had talked about marriage and starting a family almost from the beginning. I loved that he was LDS (although not active when we met), I loved that he lived his life still according to the Gospel, I loved how he could make me laugh, I loved his laugh, his beautiful eyes, his smile, his sense of humor, his love for sports, his desire to make me happy. When I met his family, I knew I wanted to one day be apart of it. And when my dad gave him his blessing and welcomed him to the family, that sealed the deal. We had our fair share of struggles. We still have them, but we've grown together. I love him more now than I did yesterday and it keeps growing as eternal companions, as husband and wife, as friends.

The night we got engaged!

Wedded Bliss #1

2011-05-21T21:46:00.000-07:00

1. How it all began: how you met, first date, first kiss, how long did you date? first picture together.....etc.

Well... Tom and I met online. Through a silly website. I was looking for friends, he was looking for me ;) --- so he messaged me about playing volleyball. We started to email back and forth, eventually exchanged numbers, and then agreed to meet. I freaked out and totally stood him up on our first date. He texted me the next day asking me what happened and I told him I would make it up to him. I had him come over to my house, where we ate bbq and took a swim. He kissed me that night and then asked me to be his girlfriend. We dated for just under two months before we got engaged and then we were engaged for exactly 1 year and 3 days from the first day we met. We were sealed for time and all eternity 364 days later :) I pretty much knew from the first date that he was the one I was meant to be with. I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives growing together.

<3

Wedded Bliss

2011-05-21T21:39:00.000-07:00

I am finding it hard to write lately- so here goes the Wedding Blog Challenge! Thanks for the idea!!!

1. how it all began: how you met, first date, first kiss, how long did you date? first picture together.....etc.

2. when you knew he was the one: self explanatory.. but how and when did you know?

3. proposal: how it happened, how long were you engaged for? was it a total surprise? pictures of that... etc.

4. the ring: tell us about it! did you pick it out? did he? pictures! tell us about his ring too!

5. engagement/bridal pictures: let's see em!

6. the colors: show some of the flower and colors you used

7. the dress: was it what you always imagined? did you have it made for you? white or ivory?

8. the little accessories: you know, veil? shoes? jewelry? what did your bridesmaids wear?

9. the ceremony and reception: where was it at? show us some pictures! what day did you get married?

10. the cake/food: i love food. so tell me about what you had at your wedding!

11. your song and/or the first song you danced to at your wedding: share a music video or lyrics if you can!

12. favorite part of the day and least favorite part of the day: can be anything.

13. honeymoon: where did you go? was it good? ;) haha...jk.

14. thoughts on marriage: what is the easiest/hardest part? if you could change anything, what would it be?

15. first place that you lived together: pics if you have them!

16. kids: do you have any yet? if not, when do you plan on it? how many do you want? any tips on good/bad birth control?

17. most recent picture of you and your significant other and what you love most about them :) and any other thoughts.

Get some!

2011-05-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a bit since I last wrote here.
Life has been crazy, and it has finally started to calm down.
Well sort of.
IOP is over.
Now it is just therapy.
At least one day a week.
And new medication.
At first it was just seroquel.
It is a mood stabilizer and a sedative.
I found myself being heavily sedated in the morning.
So they brought me down to a smaller dose, which only led to the start of another hypomania episode.
So they put me back on 300mg of seroquel and added depokote (another mood stabilizer).
This caused me to be even more sedated than before.
So today, they brought me back down to 150mg and told me to continue with the depokote.
But if I start to experience hypomania, I need to increase my medication.
I hate having to keep going up and down on the meds.
I hate having to take them.
But I would rather take them then feel what I was feeling before.

I hope and pray I can return to work on Monday.
Things just seem a bit more manageable when I have something to focus most of my time towards.
Tom is working a lot.
He has a new job that is keeping him busy on the days he is not at Kohl's.
He is almost done at Kohl's and I can hardly wait.
He seems happier at the new place.

I have lost almost 50 pounds.
I am walking a lot with my MIL.
I am planning on running a 5K in October with Tom's brother Lee and Victoria.
I love feeling better.
Healthier.
I am eating better.
Doing more.
My back hardly hurts anymore.
And I want to be another 50 pounds lighter before we try and make babies again.
So I have got some goals to work at.

Well thats the update for now.
Hope all is well with you and yours.

XOXO

Blessings come in ALL shapes and sizes!

2011-05-01T16:04:00.000-07:00

Mama Taylor and I at the Temple <3

I have been wanting to blog for a few days now and every time I would start one, my brain would just shut off. So, I am attempting yet again to update this thing which will then update you all.

First and foremost, I was finally helped! After 3 and a half weeks of struggling on my own, without much help from Kaiser, I was able to see a psychiatrist who oversees the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). Now mind you, I had to call Kaiser's member services and file complaints. I had to call the mental health department and get the manager of the department on the phone and complain, but my perseverance paid off. I read today that sometime you have to be your own doctor and I think that is the most sad thing I have heard in a long time, yet so very true. If a doctor won't help you, give you medicine to mask the symptoms and send you on your way, or chooses not to believe you, you have to take it into your own hands. If 2 doctors disagree, you have to decide what to do next. In a country where we pay so much for medical insurance and pay our doctors, one would think that they would take their job a bit more seriously. Nonetheless, on Thursday I saw Dr. Meers. We spent an our going through my symptoms, talking over my problems and coming up with a solution. She agreed I needed to attend IOP. We set up some goals of what I would like to achieve while I am attending the program. She agreed that I was experiencing hypomania or mania (we are still not sure as she was seeing me start to fluctuate between the highs and low). Over the next two weeks, I will be attending intensive group therapy 5 times a week. I have spoken with doctor, specifically for IOP, and discussed my medication. I am continuing on Seroquel at 300-400 mg for the next two weeks. I am also taking my normal antidepressant as well as an antidepressant that is used for sleeping more so than depression. I am going to learn how to develop coping skills for when I start to experience any form of mania (whether hypo or full blown). I will and have already learned how to recognize warning signs of when I start to experience an episode.
------ For those of you who aren't familiar with the lingo... I will explain.
Mania is defined by medterms.com as: " An abnormally elevated mood state characterized by such symptoms as inappropriate elation, increased irritability, severe insomnia, grandiose notions, increased speed and/or volume of speech, disconnected and racing thoughts, increased sexual desire, markedly increased energy and activity level, poor judgment, and inappropriate social behavior."
Hypomania is defined as: "A condition similar to mania but less severe. The symptoms are similar with elevated mood, increased activity, decreased need for sleep, grandiosity, racing thoughts, and the like. However, hypomanic episodes differ in that they do not cause significant distress or impair one's work, family, or social life in an obvious way while manic episodes do. Hypomanic people tend to be unusually cheerful, have more than ample energy, and need little sleep. Hypomania is a pleasurable state. It may confer a heightened sense of creativity and power. However, hypomania can subtly impair a person's judgment. Too much confidence can conceal the consequences of decisions. Hypomania can be difficult to diagnose because it may masquerade as mere happiness. It is important to diagnose hypomania because, as an expression of bipolar disorder, it can cycle into depression and carry an increased risk of suicide."
Mixed episode is defined as: "...a period of time in which both the criteria to diagnose a major depressive episode and a manic episode are fully met, except for the duration requirements of each. The mood problem (manic alternating with depressive symptoms) takes place nearly every day for a total of at least a week."
Depression in the bipolar disorder is normally characterized just like that of clinical depression.-------

Now that I have addressed one of the issues, the next is very exciting for me.
Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to see one of our Apostles, Elder Russel M. Nelson, speak today at our stake conference. Getting there was no easy feat. Tom and I spent the night at his parent's house, which had 2 cats (one of them I am not sure I want to call my own right now) going nuts all night long. 6 o'clock came and we were woken up. Tom, at that point, had decided he was not going (he got off work at 11:30 and didn't get to sleep until 1 or so. I bartered with my sleeping body (the seroquel is not only a mood stabilizer but also a sedative and since has started to work in just the last two days or so, I am really groggy all day long). I won, got up, got dressed and Bill (Tom's dad), Victoria (Tom's mom) and I were on our way to Oakland at 7:15. We got there at about 8 and had about an hour of time to kill. I swooned myself with babies (my friend's babies) and got to talk to some friends whom I haven't had the chance to speak to in quite sometime. Then conference started. And it was amazing. A new Patriarch was sustained and the talks were incredible. It had been quite some time since I had felt the Spirit so strongly. My body would get goosebumps over and over again. My eyes would fill with tears. I wished so badly Tom would have come. I remember why I became a Member. I had been reminded last week, but it was only confirmed that much more this week. I felt so grateful to have been there.

I feel as though God is starting to prepare me to be a mother. I am so glad that Tom and I have decided to wait until next January (and I have to be 50 pounds lighter) to start trying again. I feel like all that we have gone through in the last few months would have been so hard (and nearly impossible) had we been parents. And I can see God using me. Preparing me. I know now that I will be a mom. Before, I wasn't so sure.

Tom has had a second interview with a company in Concord. We are hopeful and excited at the prospect of this job. It is a warehouse job for a water company. It will be great experience and hopefully we will find out this week whether or not he got the job.

My faith has grown immensely over the past few weeks. I have been given inspirtation over and over again the last two weeks. Many talks have been about sharing the Gospel and about the importance of our actions. I received an email from K stating the exact same thing. Today, we had a new Patriarch sustained in our Stake. In the church, a Patriartical Blessing is a gift we receive from the Patriarch. He receives his inspiration from our Heavenly Father. I have been blessed to have been given mine almost 3 years ago. Now while these are very sacred and very personal, I feel the promptings to share this. My Patriartical Blessing states that through my actions, my family will follow my example. For a long time, I thought that meant my immediate family (mom, dad, sisters, brother). I have since learned that it is ALL of my family. My husband, my in-laws, ALL my brothers, and ALL my sisters, my grandparents, my friends, and even myself. My actions have been far from worthy. They have not shown that I am a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I want to SHINE! I want people to ask what I have that they don't. I have a strong testimony of tithing and of the Temple. I know we have a Prophet in these latter days. I know that He has called men to be His Apostles and to spread the Word. I know the truthfulness of the Gospel. I know the trueness of the Church. And today just confirmed it.

I can't wait to get back to the Temple. I can't wait until I can be back in the House of the Lord. The joy I experience there is unlike any other.

Incoherent

2011-04-22T01:03:00.001-07:00

Where to begin?
   I was diagnosed with bipolar ii over a year ago, by a doctor that I had a lot of respect for. He has since gone on a medical leave, leaving me to be swallowed whole by the bureaucracy of the medical system.
   I've never had a hypomania or mania episode until recently. I'm not even positive that this is that. I can only go off the research I can find online or at the local bookstore. My thoughts are racing. Too many at once. They are just firing out of control and this makes me feel sick. I remember having these as a kid. Racing, rapid, firing thoughts about everything. Everything would slow down as my brain would try and grasp what it was I was trying to figure out. It is happening now. Going on 3 weeks today. Sleep seems to elude me. I crave it. I miss it. I miss my dreams. And I feel like I'm about to lose control. Any moment now it'll happen. If T sniffles one more time. If the cat jumps across me again.... Working is not an option. I can barely keep myself together. My husband is my reason. I've tried to reach out. Called the mental health department for 2 weeks before getting a call back. Once I did, it was an on-call doctor who gave me seroquel and told me to call back after the weekend. Did that and I got an appointment with my psychiatrist who spent less than 10 minutes with me, upped my dosage of seroquel and told me to meet with a therapist. The following day, I met with a therapist and within 10 minutes was telling me I wasn't bipolar and I just had mommy issues. I left feeling so confused and still unsure of what to do. So I called the advice line and was told to see my primary care physician, who told me today that she couldn't help me. Mental health won't excuse me from work and now I am going to lose my job. Awesome. More stress. Do I need to lose it to get help? Do I need to start cutting again? Can't a girl get some help? I am trying to reach out before it gets to be too much. I'm not sure how much more I can take.
  I've taken 400mg of seroquel tonight, with the hopes it calms my brain. Praying it sedates me. I'm not sure if I can be alone with my thoughts one more night. Yet, I don't seem to have a choice. I keep being brought back to this place. Despair. Hopelessness. Grief. And yet, I have all this pent up energy. I feel like I could explode any moment. My thoughts are crazy. Irrational. Horrifying even.

I am stuck.
Someone please deliver me.

Here

2011-04-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

One of the blogs I follow had this written in it today. I didn't change anything as what Stefanie had to say was perfect. I needed this. As I struggle lately, to find my balance, to find what is true, I know that Christ is there through it all. You can visit Stefanie's blog here

Thanks lady for allowing me to steal your post! It really hit home. :)

General Conference / April 2011
The Atonement Covers All Pain
Kent F. Richards
Of the Seventy

Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.”

As a surgeon, I found that a significant portion of my professional time was taken up with the subject of pain. Of necessity I surgically inflicted it almost daily—and much of my effort was then spent trying to control and alleviate pain.

I have pondered about the purpose of pain. None of us is immune from experiencing pain. I have seen people cope with it very differently. Some turn away from God in anger, and others allow their suffering to bring them closer to God.
Like you, I have experienced pain myself. Pain is a gauge of the healing process. It often teaches us patience. Perhaps that is why we use the term patient in referring to the sick.

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Similarly, Elder Robert D. Hales has said:
“Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …
“I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”
Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault. Unexpected events, contradicting or disappointing circumstances, interrupting illness, and even death surround us and penetrate our mortal experience. Additionally, we may suffer afflictions because of the actions of others. Lehi noted that Jacob had “suffered … much sorrow, because of the rudeness of [his] brethren.” Opposition is part of Heavenly Father’s plan of happiness. We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.
The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.

“He suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature, both men, women, and children.”

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”
Sometimes in the depth of pain, we are tempted to ask, “Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?” I testify the answer is yes, there is a physician. The Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all these conditions and purposes of mortality.
There is another kind of pain for which we are responsible. Spiritual pain lies deep within our souls and can feel unquenchable, even as being racked with an“inexpressible horror,” as Alma described. It comes from our sinful actions and lack of repentance. For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, “Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?”
Christ Himself taught:

“And my Father sent me that I might be lifted up upon the cross; and after that I had been lifted up upon the cross, that I might draw all men unto me. … “Therefore, according to the power of the Father I will draw all men unto me.”

Perhaps His most significant work is in the ongoing labor with each of us individually to lift, to bless, to strengthen, to sustain, to guide, and to forgive us.
As Nephi saw in vision, much of Christ’s mortal ministry was devoted to blessing and healing the sick with all kinds of maladies—physical, emotional, and spiritual. “And I beheld multitudes of people who were sick, and who were afflicted with all manner of diseases. … And they were healed by the power of the Lamb of God.”
Alma also prophesied that “he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and … he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. …
“That his bowels may be filled with mercy, … that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.”
Late one night lying in a hospital bed, this time as a patient and not as a physician, I read those verses over and over again. I pondered: “How is it done? For whom? What is required to qualify? Is it like forgiveness of sin? Do we have to earn His love and help?” As I pondered, I came to understand that during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.
President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”
I felt the encircling arms of His love that night. Tears watered my pillow in gratitude. Later, as I was reading in Matthew about Christ’s mortal ministry, I made another discovery: “When the even was come, they brought unto him many … and he … healed all that were sick.” He healed all that came to Him. None were turned away.
As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.
I have noted that children are often more naturally accepting of pain and suffering. They quietly endure with humility and meekness. I have felt a beautiful, sweet spirit surrounding these little ones.
Thirteen-year-old Sherrie underwent a 14-hour operation for a tumor on her spinal cord. As she regained consciousness in the intensive care unit, she said: “Daddy, Aunt Cheryl is here, … and … Grandpa Norman … and Grandma Brown … are here. And Daddy, who is that standing beside you? … He looks like you, only taller. … He says he’s your brother, Jimmy.” Her uncle Jimmy had died at age 13 of cystic fibrosis.
“For nearly an hour, Sherrie … described her visitors, all deceased family members. Exhausted, she then fell asleep.”
Later she told her father, “Daddy, all of the children here in the intensive care unit have angels helping them.”
To all of us the Savior said:
“Behold, ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
“Fear not, little children, for you are mine. …
“Wherefore, I am in your midst, and I am the good shepherd.”
Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.” The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”
I bear testimony that He is our Redeemer, our Friend, our Advocate, the Great Physician, the Great Healer. In Him we can find peace and solace in and from our pain and our sins if we will but come unto Him with humble hearts. His “grace is sufficient.” In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The story about the girl in the hospital bed give me the chills. I think about how many angels were surrounding me the day I gave birth to Olivia and they were there to comfort me in the extreme pain of placing Olivia for adoption. I know through the pain and the tears that those angels were giving me all of their strength to be able to let Olivia be with her eternal family.

This song means a lot to me, I just wanted to share it.

"Here"
Rascal Flatts

There's a place I've been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I'd hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to
Reach
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I'd find
I know now, there's a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
In a love I never thought I'd get to get to
-here
And if that's the road
God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby-Ooo
Oh, got me here

A label

2011-04-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

As I am driving home from Southern California, I am puzzled. Most of the weekend, I have thought and been asked a question. A question that I have had to learn the definition of in many forms. Am I an addict?

Narcotics Anonymous says, "Most of us do not have to think twice about this question. WE KNOW! Our whole life and thinking was centered in drugs in one form or another- the getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. We lived to use and used to live. Very simply, an addict is a man or woman whose life is controlled by drugs. We are people in the grip of a continuing and progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions and death.

My trip to Southern California was to help my cousin with her state board test for cosmotology. She needed a model and I needed a break. A girl's weekend. I had a rough week before this trip. I had found out about the passing of my Godfather and family friend. It shook my world. He was 80 years young. I was not prepared to be met with this. I did not think that the last time I saw him this summer would be the last time. I just needed to get away. I had called my mother to speak to her in regards to Jess. I wasn't sure why I was feeling the way I felt. My heart hurt. Something feirce. I miss him. And that night was no exception. It only seemed more real as I watched Miley Cyrus in a movie. Yes, I said it. Miley Cyrus. I was overcome with grief and I did the only thing I could think of... I call my mom. She helped me understand that it is loss and she just listened. That was enough. The next day, I called to thank her and I told her that I was going to see my cousin who is also her Goddaughter. She responded, "Are you out of your mind?" Not understanding, I asked. "What are you and her going to do while you are down there?" (Implying that I would use). I assured her I wouldn't. I had a girlfriend going with me. I was prepared. Not that I was expecting to do anything anyways... but as my husband would say, "Always be prepared." There was some more condescending talk, something about how I didn't think I needed treatment. But that got me thinking.... Am I really an addict?

My best friend has said that I am not an addict, but it was more the ability to escape from whatever pain it was that I was feeling. I think I have finally started to get a grip on what it was that was causing me so much pain. Or at least I have scratched the surface. Allow me to enlighten you.

The relationship with my mother has been less than ideal most of my life. I cannot really speak of the first few years as I do not remember much, but from what I have been told, it was never really great. She had already treated me differently. Even my father told me while we were in France together that he was sorry for the way my mom treated me. What I have always felt, seemed to be validated.... if not with those who have told me, but by just that, my own feelings. Never being able to admit it to myself caused quite a bit of angst among myself.... I would go to many lengths to try and get her to love me the way I wanted and needed to be loved. I tried the good and the bad. I tried tending to her when she was sick, or when she was heartbroken. I tried being her friend, what I thought was the perfect daughter. I tried out for swimming and dated boys she approved of or didn't approve of to get attention from her. I tried it all. Only to fail time and time again. That defeat ruined me. It hurt me. It felt and still feels like it will never be enough for her. I went to day treatment so that she might see that I really need her. I have needed her. In the end, I learned so much more. I don't need my mother. Of course, I would like her there, but I don't need her. I don't need the pain that comes with our relationship. I have learned that I will be ok without her. If I am not enough for my own mother to want to be around me then I don't need that relationship. I am better than that. And I am finally believing that.

My parent's divorce had a profound affect on me. It hurt. Deeply. And for so long, I didn't talk about it. In fact, I still haven't, really. It started at a young age, with parents trying to make it work for the kids, only to have apartment visits and angry parents while we tried to grow up and be normal. It ended, at least for me, while I was in a foreign country. I came home, after being gone a year, to no home, no family, no bed. My dogs were gone. My family was destroyed and I was just supposed to pretend like it didn't hurt. My mother wasn't there to meet me at the gate when I got home, like she was for my sister. My father was away at work. My brother and my sister had each other. I was alone. In turn, my actions later, would have an effect on not only me, but my grandparents, my family, my relationships with men and with my friends. It still hurts me. I understand that my parents will never be together again. I understand we will never have the family we maybe once could have had. I am happy for each of my parents as each of them have seemed to find their own happiness. But the hurt is still there. The fear of abadonment is still there. The fear of failing is still there. And there is no one to talk to about it. No one to make sense of it. No one to help me make sense of it. And in turn, I am trying to make sense of it by myself. It will be something that I work on for a long time. I am bound and determined to make my marriage work. Yes, there are mistakes I have made, WE have made, but I love my husband. He is my eternal companion. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I wouldn't know what to do without him.

I made a choice when I was 23. A choice that still haunts me. A choice that if I had to do over, I probably would. This choice doubted a lot of the people who have supported me and thier love for me. This choice has made me cry tears I never knew exsisted. I know that God has a plan. I know I was meant to marry my husband. It wasn't by chance. But had I made a different choice, would we still be together? Would my pain be any different? Would I not think differently? Would the pain I feel inside not be there? It is something I will never be able to get out of my head or my heart. But, I need to learn to forgive myself. I made a choice and I am thankful that my life has turned out the way it has. I am thankful that God has continued to bless me. I am unworthy of His grace, but I know that it is because of His only Begotton that I am here today.

Those are the big ones in my life. I am dealing with them daily and facing them head on rather than hiding behind something... anything. I am bound and determined to make this work. Through therapy and writing and talking with my friends, my husband, my mother in law, my family... I am getting better. This has all been an emotional uphill battle. It has been in the works my whole life. Isn't it about time that I start anew? Fresh? Without labels?

I am not an addict. My life was not destroyed by the one time over consumption of pills. My life has been on the wrong course long before drugs of any sort, alchohol of any kind and bad behavior on my part, ever exsisted. Will I continue to obstain from these things? Absolutely. Why? Because they aren't bettering my life. They are only made it more difficult to manage. I had a problem. I had been taking pain pills for many reasons, mostly the wrong ones, for a long time. But I was not addicted. I have a lot on my plate and come August, even more. I am officially enrolled to go back to school. So while I am not a mommy yet, I am still striving to live my dream as a wife, a teacher, a helper, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a granddaughter and just someone trying to make it in this world. And I will. I have no doubts.

Taking Care of Ourselves

2011-03-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

Day 55

I am beginning to realize how important it is to take care of me.
For so long, I have been trying please everyone around me.
I want to fix everyone.
Take care of everyone.
That I forgot about me and what I need and want.
Slowly but surely, I am finding myself getting comfortable with me.
I am learning how to take care of me.
And it is harder than you think.

My main focus everyday is my husband.
What can I do to make him happy?
Does he know I love him?
How can I show him?
And this is how it is supposed to be.
Him in front of me.
Always.
But I am learning that sometimes, I just need to step away and be wih myself.
So I take a drive.
Sit out on the back porch.
Watch my own tv shows.

I had an experience yesterday at group that has made me focus on me.
I was explaining my last week and the events that had happened.
I cried when I talked about my sister and Moogs leaving.
I told them that I might be pregnant
And the mixed emotions I have about it.
(I am 6 days late- Saturday I test)
During break, my therapist took me into her office.
And she, very sternly, said "You can absolutely not have unprotected sex while you are on suboxen."
I was shocked!!!
Not only that, but my UA came back with benzos in my system.
I KNOW I have not taken any in at least 45 days.
I am not sure why my system won't just get rid of them.
And when I tell my therapist that I am not using, she looks at me like I am a big fat liar.
I felt like such a little person.

But then I realized I have to take care of me.
Right now, I am not sure if group is the best thing for me.
Maybe just going to meetings
And focusing on my recovery and my family.

So today, I will take care of me... and Tom... and Titan.
I will work on me.
I will worry about no one else.
Or what anyone else cares.
And those that love me for the person I am and am becoming
Will be apart of my life
Those that don't and choose not to
Will not be.
It will be as simple as that.
I need to focus on the more positive aspects of my life.
And that is a lot.
For I am one blessed wife, daughter, sister, friend, niece, granddaughter...etc.

<3

Surrender

2011-03-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

It is funny.
I have been praying so long to be a mommy.
And now that I am 5 days late, I am so scared.
I have taken two pregnancy tests, both negative.
Part of me is praying that "Aunt Flo" will arrive soon
The other part of me is so hopeful.

I read today, to just surrender to God, the things you have no control over.
This has been my most difficult battle.
My entire life.
I worry and stress over things I can't control.
I can't control Tom's work situation.
I can't control whether or not I get pregnant.
I can't control my mom.
My dad.
I just have to let go and let God.
But it is so hard.
I am learning though.
More now than ever before.
Just to surrender to God
And to trust in Him, in my Heavenly Father
That He will take care of me
Just like my own father does.

As I develop this deep, loving relationship with my Heavenly Father
I feel myself falling in love with Him.
It is different than falling in love my husband.
It is as though I have met my daddy.
My Comforter. My Best Friend.

I am three days behind on writing about my daily reflections.
Surrender.
Taking Care of Ourselves.
Living with Families.

I will do the other two in seperate posts.
Sorry for the long posts.
I just want to tell you everything thats going on.

All my love <3

Peace and Fulfillment

2011-03-07T13:44:00.000-08:00

I have had issues with anxiety for a long time.
I remember as a young kid, my mind racing.
And not the racing that most think of.
But the racing of the days events, playing in my head, too fast to comprehend.
Too fast, that I would shake, or become terrified.
It would race of the future.
My body would become tense.
I would feel like I was almost losing it.
And I wouldn't be able to sleep.
Now.
I am learning to manage it without perscription medication.
I have learned to breathe through it.
Through the tears I want to cry
Through the range of emotions I feel.
One of the best things about the day treatment program was the acupuncture.
We would sit and meditate after that for about a half hour.
Breathing in and out.
And letting our minds just rest.
I now love to meditate.
I try and do it everyday.
On the way to work.
Or on the way home.
Right before bed.
Any time I feel anxious.
I am also learning how important it is to rely on my Heavenly Father.
He will meet my needs.
He will make sure I am fulfilled.
I am learning so much about His love for me.
How much He loves me.
He is my Father and I am so blessed to know Him.
I find our relationship becoming deeper.
As I try and become the best person I can be,
He helps me in knowing that He will make sure I am ok.
No matter what happens in my life,
He will guide me.
He will protect me.
He will love me.
And He will meet my needs.
Maybe not in my time,
But definately in His.

I got to spend the weekend with my sister and my beautiful niece.
At 3, she is so smart.
I love watching her be so engaged in everything she does.
Her imagination amazes me.
The world is so beautiful through her eyes.
We splashed in puddles on our walk.
And pretended the blocks were a tower.
We watched Cinderlla.
And we were all princesses.
I got smooches and hugs.
Lots of "I love you"s
Man I am going to miss her something fierce.
But she reminded me how to look at life.
To just live it.
Fully.
And to remember that God will take care of me.

Be Who You Are

2011-03-05T12:30:00.000-08:00

I have been reading a book my mother gave me 8 years ago.
Its called, "The Language of Letting Go"
She has been trying to get me to read this book for years.
I never understood why.
It just seemed to be a bunch of mumbo jumbo and I didn't need to read that.
Nor did I want to.
But now, after all I have gone through.
And am going through, I have decided to read it.
And I even purchased one for my mother in law.
With the hopes that we could read it together and get something out of it together.
And we have.
I find my MIL changing in ways that are unexpected.
I find myself, agreeing with much of what this books has to say.
It seems to know me quite well.
Each day, is a new subject, all relating to the 12 step program.
Each day, it has me focus on a new topic.
And I am going to start writing each day my interpretation of what was written.
Today- it was BE WHO YOU ARE.
I am just now finding out who I really am.
For so long, I have hid under masks and pain.
I hid behind my smile and my "happiness."
Growing up we were told to keep what happens in the house inside the house.
I figured this also meant my anger, pain and anxiety.
When I walked out the front door, I put on my happy face and pretended like nothing was wrong most of the time.
I would be made fun of at school (fat cow with red hair and being mooed at while I was walking down the hall) and I refused to let them see my cry.
So I would just go home and cry myself to sleep.
I figured I had to be someone completetly different in order for people to like me.
Including my family.
More so, my mom.
I had to be the perfect daughter, and when that didn't work, I tried to get her attention by being horrible.
I would sneak out.
Sneak around.
Lie.
Cheat.
Steal.
Just so she would pay attention.
It never worked.
So I just pushed harder.
I remember once telling a girl in elementary school that my Uncle Johnny had brought me a monkey from some far off land just so she would come over and stay the night.
That night, my Uncle Dick passed away.
And I couldn't cry, not in front of this girl.
When all hell broke loose, I couldn't tell anyone.
Life was happy.
I was happy.
But secretly, severely depressed, cutting and hurting myself.
My emotions inside were so strong, that one night my dad had to sit on me to calm me down.
I would get so upset and cry so hard not being able to breathe.
I felt so misunderstood.
I had no idea who I was.

I have spent the last 10 years trying to figure it out.
And I think I am finally figuring it out.
And for the first time, in a very long time, I am happy.
I have realized that I need to be thankful for what I have.
Not to focus on the negative things in my life.
Not to try and change people, but to love them for them.
I have learned to love myself, even with all the flaws I have.
I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin.
And to not change myself around people.
They will love me for me, and if they don't they are missing out.

There will be no more lies.
Just to keep people around.
There will be no more stories.
Just to have people like me.
I am learning to be brutally honest
Even if it hurts me, or the other person.
Its not worth it.
There will be no more negative thoughts.
Even about people that hurt me or upset me.
I will pray for good things to happen to everyone.

Last night, I saw a different side of my MIL.
She was reading me some of the things she had written after reading her daily devotional from our book.
In one instance, I saw my grandmother.
It was the look on her face
And the things she said
As well as the sound of her voice
That took me back to when my grandmother would sit and talk to me
Provide advice and assistance
With her voice strong
And confident, I found myself tearing up
And being so grateful for these passionate, wonderful women of God that I have in my life.

Going through this journey has opened my eyes to so much.
I really want to open up a recovery center when I finish school.
A recovery center for teens AND thier families.
I believe that if Tom and Victoria were not here to support me,
I would not be so strong in my own recovery.
I believe having support from the families will only allow us to recover better and have a better chance of not going back.
I think that the family needs to understand the addiction and what goes on when one is addicted to a drug.
There are so many things that happen when someone is an addict
So many things that most don't know or understand.
I am blessed that my MIL has chosen to come to family and friends night in my early recovery group.
She is there every night I am there.
She will sit and listen and answer questions.
It is amazing to see how much she truly cares about me and wants me to get better.
I am so blessed to have her on this journey with me
And that she is getting something out of it to.
Who would have thought?

So here I am.
Bare.
Naked (not really).
This is me.
Will you still have me?

Will this ever end?

2011-03-01T13:56:00.000-08:00

As I see more friends, family and coworkers get pregnant
I can't help but feel like a piece is missing.
As happy (truly and deeply) as I am for all of them
I'm also green with envy.
My heart aches.
I wonder if my time will ever come?
I can't believe how much this hurts.
I KNOW today would not be a good time to get pregnant.
I KNOW I need to get better in order to have a childZ
Raise a child.
Be a mother.
The kind of mother I want to be.
I don't want to hurt my children because Of my issues.
I want them to have all the things they need.
And some of the things they want.
I just feel like something is missing.
And the hurt only tends to come when I think about having a baby bump.
When I think about how it would feel to see my baby for the first time.
How would I feel when I hear it's heartbeat?
Or when I see my baby for the first time?
I'm so grateful that I have the chance to experience this with all of my friends and family
And I know that God will bless us when we are ready.
It's just hard to be so patient.
To wait.
To not think about how it would be or could be.
To not wish.
To not dream.

In the meantime, I'm trying to fill my plate full.
School in the fall.
A year and a half (spring summer fall) until I have a BA in social work.
Then onto a master's.
Then a PH.D.
Possible with kids?
Yes.
How do I know?
My sister is doing it.
She amazes me.
Her tenacity and strength has always been some of her best qualities.
When she wants something, she works hard to get it.
I'm so thankful she is someone I can look up to.
She also made this beautiful baby.
I hope to see them soon.

I am finally setting goals again.
I'm not stopping until they are reached.
I'm making myself proud of me and what I've accomplished.
And I feel like for the first time in a long time that it is all going to be possible.

43 and counting.... still

2011-02-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

Day 43.

I am feeling great.
I am doing great.
Work is going seemless.
It is so nice to be back.
I have something to look forward to everyday now.
Although I miss sleeping in and cuddling with my hubby all day long.

I am learning to work through some very hard issues.
And sometimes I take on a little too much at a time.
It seems like I just need to figure out how to just do the one day at a time thing.
But I am such a planner
And even more so, I am now so excited for the future.
I am excited that both Tom and I will be in school next semester.
I am excited that this is a new year, full of new possibilities.
I am excited that I am doing all of this.

My back has been hurting a lot this last week.
I think it might be the FREEZING cold weather we are having here.
Snow was even forcasted!!!! That hasn't happened since the 70's.
I also think, I am sitting a lot more.
Thats what I do at work.
Sit.
So when I go in for my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, we will see what we can do to get me comfortable. Because I don't want to go back to using pain meds. It just isn't worth it.

Also, on Thursday, when I went to group, my therapist pulled me aside afterwards to tell me that I still have benzos (valium, xanax, etc) in my system. I haven't taken any in over 30 days. They gave me some when I was first coming off the pain medication, but I haven't had any since then. I am not sure what my body is saying or doing, but I am really trying not to stress about it too much. At first, it was difficult, so I called my sponser and talked things out. I really don't want to mess this up, so I am really doing everything I can to work this and get better. I am reading everyday and taking it all in. I think maybe tonight I will go to a meeting. I haven't been to one all week.

So there you have it. Day 43. I feel pretty proud of myself. *while still trying to remail humble, because I couldn't do this without Him or the people supporting me*

P.S. Tom is doing great! He is taking two classes a week now and working. I am so proud of him! He really is the light of my life, my soulmate, my best friend. He really does know how to take care of me and love me. I can't wait to see what the future holds for us.

King of Anything

2011-02-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

My mother has been on my mind the last few days.
Its sad that I can't just call her and tell her that I am thinking about her.
But right now, it wouldn't be healthy.
There is nothing to say to her, but that I am hurting.
That I am mad that she has chosen to not be here for me.
That once again, I am without my mother in a time in my life where I need her.

It almost makes me laugh how she blames this one me-
How I am the one who told her to stay out of my life.
Now, I am not even a mom yet-
But I know if my daughter was going through half of the things I was going through-
That no matter how she felt about me-
I would be there.
(I also told her that on my second day of detoxing- which is by far the worst pain I've been in in my life thus far)

And it makes me think of so many things when I think of her.
It makes me think of the time I flew out here when she had kidney stones.
I had my father's credit card number
And was worried that my mom didn't have any to take care of here-
So I had her co-worker pick me up from the airport
And I spent the weekend taking care of my mom.

Or when I got home from France.
No house, no dogs, no family.
And she chose not to be there when I got home.
Being out in California doing who knows what with whom rather than being there to greet her daughter who she had not seen in 10 months.
It broke my heart.

I know that is had taken me this long to really believe that she treats me differently-
Even though I've had quite a few people tell me so.
Those who were looking in from the outside.
Those who couldn't do anything as they watched her treat me less or love me less
And all I could do was do anything to get her attention.
And that even failed.
I did all the wrong things to get to her to notice me.

Things were good.
But only because I chose them to be.
I tried to become the daughter she wanted me to be.
But I failed.
I have failed a lot when it comes to her.

I didn't graduate school.
I am not skinny.
I have issues.
I am not perfect.
And I am not doing the drama anymore.

I can't figure out how to stop going in the cycle.
I've been down this road so many times-
And just when I think I got passed it-
Here it is again....
Haunting me.
And I just want it to stop... NOW!

I am ready to move on with my life.
I am ready to have people love me for me.
I am ready to have people not try and change me.
I am good person.
I have a lot of things people love about me.

Here's my song at the moment:

Keep drinkin' coffee
Stare me down across the table
While I look outside

So many things I'd say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet
And count the cars that pass by

You've got opinions, man
We're all entitled to 'em
But I never asked

So let me thank you for time
And try to not waste any more of mine
Get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe
But I'm not drowning
There's no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

You sound so innocent
All full of good intent
You swear you know best

But you expect me to
Jump up on board with you
Ride off into your dellusional sunset

I'm not the one who's lost
With no direction oh
But you won't ever see

You're so busy makin' maps
With my name on them in all caps
You got the talkin' down just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide

Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)
Oh (oh oh oh)

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Who cares if you disagree
You are not me
Who made you king of anything
So you dare tell me who to be
Who died
And made you king of anything

Let me hold your crown

~King of Anything
Sara Bareilles

36 and getting higher

2011-02-19T12:37:00.000-08:00

Day 36

Not much has happened in the last 7 or so days. We celebrated Tom's birthday and I got him tickets to Linkin Park. He deserved to go and have some fun after the last 4 or so months. So Tuesday, he will be going with his little brother to the concert in San Jose. I hope he has a blast! I can't wait to hear all about it when he gets home!

I got a sponser. Her name is Wendee. She has been in recovery for 22 years. She is very understanding and has some great advice to offer. I am really enjoying knowing that I am not the only one going through this. Sometimes it feels really lonely. But everyday is getting better and I am getting stronger.

I can't believe this started over a month ago and how far I have come since then. I have been going to groups and then to meetings. My life is busy because I have started back to work. I have really missed work as hard as that may be to believe. I feel like I am accomplishing something. And that makes a difference in my self-worth. I am hoping over the next few months- to really show my boss how dedicated I am to this job. I really want to move up.

I have also started to prepare for college again. Next semester I will go back. Now it is just a matter of where I will go. I just got my transcripts from the University of Utah. I can't wait to get started. My whole life is changing and I am really loving the change that is coming.

Wednesday and Thursday, my grandmother's celebrated their birthdays. I can't tell you how thankful I am that they were born. They both mean so much to me. Their wisdom and unconditional love inspires me to do so many things. I can't wait to make them proud(er) and be the best granddaughter. They deserve that. I sure do miss them so much. I love you both so much! Thank you for always being there.

I am doing great. The support I get from my MIL is amazing. She comes to family group every night. We are reading a book together and discussing it as often as we can. We are really opening up to each other and I have found a friend in her too. She isn't just my MIL. She is my friend, my confider, and my spiritual mother. I have learned so much about the Church and about the role of a woman in the Church and how important that role is. Victoria has such a wonderful spirit and she just lights up when she talks about it. I find myself in awe of her, her determination, and her ability to want to change to make herself better.

I really am trying to find positive things about what has happened over the last few months, and I think one of them is my relationship with God, my MIL and my husband have grown tremdously. I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I am trying to rebuild myself and only the good parts to shine through. It hasn't been easy, but I am doing it. I am doing it for me. For my husband. For my God. I am happy. I getting happier everyday. I am proud of myself. I am doing better than I have in a long time. I am going to make the best of this time- of this treatment.

They say it takes between 7-10 years to fully recover, even though it will be a life long battle. I am taking it on full force and will beat this thing. My cravings are few and far between. My mood is mostly happy. My heart is slowly mending itself and I am moving away from the past. However, I know that I will deal with it once again when I start working the steps. I will start that after 30 days with my sponser.

Well its time to go.

XOXO

29

2011-02-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

29 days.
I am not sure how much longer I will count for- but it still makes me feel like I have accomplished something when I can say- I have been clean and sober for 29 days.

For those of you who choose to read it, I am glad that you do, for very rarely do I sugarcoat what I have to say. For those of you who think I shouldn't put my world out there for others to read, well, I'm sorry you think that way, but this is for me. I have to write this out. And for the most part, it is usually just to keep my family and friends, far and wide, updated on how I am doing. However, there are times that I just need to vent. And that is what I am going to do today.

This morning started out pretty good. It is Tom's birthday. He is 25 today! I am so grateful he was born. I dropped him off at his welding class at 8 and then pulled over to call my sister. I was told by her husband that I am stressing my sister out and when I am ready to accept responsibility for my actions then I can call the house (this is not verbatim but very close to what he said). And then he hung up on me. There was no explanation, as I have talked to my sister on a few different occasions. One conversation, the day before my birthday, was a disagreeable one. We were discussing quite a few things in which we both disagreed on, but I didn't think it put a dent in our relationship as she called back the next day to wish me a happy birthday and then called two more times before I left Houston. However, since then, I haven't heard from her. And when I call today, I get that.

I am beyond frustrated. My sister and my mother are the ones who decided to place the "intervention". They are the ones that said, "we love you and we are here for you no matter what and we want you to get help." Yet, the support I have gotten from them since the day of the intervention has been little to none. Or at least, that is how I see it. Is it because I didn't go to the place they wanted me to go to? What was the purpose for the intervention if you aren't going to be here for me and help me by supporting me?

I will have to work on a lot of issues. One day, along the road to recovery, I will get to my past. And then I will write letters, and apologize to those I have hurt because of my addiction. But today, because I am still so new to sobriety and because just recently did I start working on myself. I need to focus on me now. I can't focus on my relationships with other people (besides my Heavenly Father and husband). I can't fix anything right now. I can't expect to change for people or to try and change people. I need to set boundaries and have people in my life willing to accept those. Now maybe, the people who have not been there to support me, when in the beginning said they would (instead I have been told what a horrible daughter, sister, person, wife I am), just need to get some education on what it is like to be an addict, to admit that you have a disease (an incurable disease at that) and to have to work through the program. And you can say, I have worked the program a thousand times, but you haven't worked it with me. You haven't gone done the path with me. And YES THIS TIME IT IS ALL ABOUT ME!

I plead that you will get to a point where you want to get to know me again- as I am changing, all the time, everyday. I am going to be a completely different person when I am done here. I believe that only those who have stuck close by me, helped me, held my hand, called me, emailed me, let me vent to them, and cried with me, are going to be the ones that only know the changes that have come and are coming. I have to change everything about me in order to beat this. I have to change habits and ways of thinking. If I wear my watch on my left hand, I need to start wearing it on my right. My routine in the shower is changing. EVERYTHING is changing. I AM CHANGING!

I am grateful that after I got off the phone with my sister's husband, I was able to reach out to my dad, who just comforted me. He gave me no explanation, just listened to me. And then told me not to put too much worry into it. He then asked me how I was doing and I told I was doing pretty great. He said I sounded much better. I am so glad I decided to go. I am glad that my sister reached out and so did my mother. I am glad that mi tia and Nina and seester all asked me to get help. I am thankful that my father told me to listen to my husband, as the addict in me didn't want to go. I am grateful that my husband, who knows me the best, after prayer and thought, told me he thought it would be a good idea to go. I am grateful that after I talked to my sister's husband, that the hurt I felt, and the immediate response to use to take away that hurt, was interrupted by the fact that I told my MIL I would be over there this morning to get help on a letter that I needed to write. When I called her this morning, it was to tell her that I wasn't going to be able to come over and I was going to find something, anything to use- whether it be my medicine I have now, or to call up a friend who would know a friend. But when I heard her voice, I decided to come over and I broke down. I was so hurt and saddened. And I almost lost what I have had control over for 29 days.

It still all hurts. But everyday, I am getting better. And I don't have to have anyone here beside me to do this, because I am strong enough to do this on my own, but for those of you who have been here and who continue to be here, I wouldn't want to do this without you. You all have given me so much strength and has made all the difference so thank you. I am doing really well besides my rant above. I am returning to work on the 16th and am so ready to go back. I am so ready to start school too. This next year is going to be amazing!

I hope all is well with you and yours!
XOXO

2011-02-10T23:40:00.000-08:00

27 days.

I feel like I have so much to write about. The emotions right now are overwhelming. I didn't know a person could feel so many emotions at one time.... but here I am... Searching to just pick out one emotion and focus on that one for today.

I think that is what I have been doing but not doing it with conscience.
Yesterday, I had the most amazing break through.
I had to share my story yesterday.
What brought me to this place.
And my story doesn't start with how I became dependant on pain medication
It started a long time ago.

It's hard to tell your own story
At least it was for me.
I had no idea where to begin.
When did it all seem to just turn around?
December 24 1992, maybe.
Was I ever truly happy as a chid?
You betcha!
Was the sadness and anguish I felt inside real?
No doubt.
When my daddy would leave to go on a trip, was my fear of him never coming home real?
Absolutely!
It was weird this time.... When I left my daddy in Houston I didn't shed a single tear.
In fact, I didn't cry for a few days after I got home and I started to miss him.

I find myself growing in ways I did not know or understand.
Tom says I am happier.
I feel happier.
God continues to show His mercy even when I feel so undeserving of His blessings.
I feel the Spirit so close to me.

I'm working on me right now, trying hard not to focus on the past.
I have set my boundaries.
I have applied for school.
Did my FASFA.
Qualified for a Pell Grant.
I'll be starting next fall.

I'm starting over.
Change is coming.
Change has begun.
I'm changing.
Everyone around me is changing.
It is the most terrifying thing yet I am so excited to see what is to come.

I have to admit, as much as this hurts, that I am glad that God has not given us a child to raise yet.
As I fight this battle, this disease that has infected me for so long, I know I could not properly care for a child.
I have to win this battle.
(Even though, I'll be fighting a war for the rest of my life)
I believe once my body is healthy and clean.
Once my focus has been turned to giving the child of God the love it deserves
Then and only the do I believe we will become parents.

My fingers are turning numb as I write this underneath the stars.
It is late and I am worn.
But just so you know....
I'm ok.

100

2011-01-26T16:17:00.000-08:00

How appropriate that this post is my 100th post?
I think it is very appropriate and here is why.

Today, I have been clean and sober for 14 days.
Yesterday I "graduated" from the day treatment program.
I worked so hard.
I talked about things that for some reason had never crossed my mind.
It made my faith stronger than it has ever been.
I am 100% positive that I belong with Tom (as if I had any doubt to begin with, it just reaffirmed that God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought us together).
I shed hundreds of tears and it felt so good.
I cried happy tears, sad tears.
I cried for those who are hurting and I understand. Oh! how I understand.

There was a lot that happened over the last week.
Time seemed to have just flown by.
I still can't believe I had been there for two weeks.
I was/am scared to leave.
To face reality.
At least that first day of reality will be a plane ride to Houston to go see my daddy.
But the fear is still there.
What happens if I relapse?
I feel like I still need more.
And I will get it when I get back,it is just my main worry right now.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
I struggle with that too.

We had an exercise this last week where we had a "funeral" for our disease.
And we had to bring items that reminded us of hope.
I don't remember what I said to the disease- and I don't think it really matters.
I am not going to let this defeat me. I REFUSE.

So instead, I remember what I brought for hope.
Our wedding picture. Tom is everything to me.
He is my every thought. I couldn't imagine life without him- nor will I ever have to.
He has proven to me the meaning of unconditional love.
He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love.
I am so grateful for him.
The Book of Mormon- this Book changed my life.
It made me into such a better person.
It has taught me the importance of being a good person.
The importance of the atonement, and the sacrifice our Heavenly Father gave.
It has brought a peace and happiness into my life I never knew existed.
I brought a picture of my in laws on my wedding day.
My FIL and MIL have loved me without condition.
They don't judge me and my faults.
Instead,they have held my hand and given me blessings.
They have prayed for me, with me.
They have supported me in ways I never knew was possible.
Lastly, I brought a picture of my daddy and my niece Morgan on my wedding day.
My dad has been a pillar in my life, my whole life.
He is there when I need him and has also let me learned my own life lessons.
He has provided for me my whole life- working all over the world, missing birthdays, Christmas, important events in all of his children's lives just so that we had what we needed and what we wanted.
I am sure I have disappointed him a thousand times. I know I have angered him. But he never ever holds my mistakes against me and in the end- Daddys don't just love their children every now and then, it's a love without end.
And then there is Morgan. Moogs.
Her birth changed me.
She may only be my niece, but I have this aunt that I look up to so much. I want to be that for her. This summer when I had gone to Wyoming for a wedding, I had walked into the house for the first time and said her name- she got this BIG smile on her face, ran over to me and gave me the biggest hug. It made my heart melt. And every time I call her and hear her tell me she loves me, my heart just swells. She is my hope. I want to be there for her, just as my aunt has been there for me.

On the day of my transition (when I get back from seeing my dad) I will be going to treatment only half days instead of full days), I was told it would be a "quiet transition" because I didn't finish the full 14 days. Because of the trip to see my dad, I completed 13. So I had told no one to come. After expressing my sadness at group yesterday that I wasn't being treated like everyone else just because I was leaving 1 day early- all of my assignments were completed. I had worked hard and stayed clean- I believed I deserved it. After speaking out, the counselors all agreed and spoke with the program director. She also agreed that I deserved to transition like everyone else. I called my family, and they all said they couldn't make it. Well.... they ended up surprising me. My MIL, my little brother (in law) and my husband.
Knowing they were there meant so much to me.
The support they give me, they faith they have in me.
It brings me to tears just thinking about it.

I told my MIL the other night that I believe that she is my spiritual mother.
I don't believe I have ever been this close to a "mom" before.
I have amazing grandmothers who have done so much for me and taught me so much.
I have an amazing aunt, who I consider one of my closest friends, who is also my Godmother, who always tells me how it is and who has always been there for me during the toughest of times.
But Victoria is different.
She has held my hand, rubbed my back, cried with me, laughed with me, shared stories with me.
She told me the other day that our relationship has taught her so much about our Heavenly Father's love.
She has taught me so much about patience, love, devotion, hope, faith, cooking, baking, life.
I know I was meant to marry her son.
I know I was meant to be sealed to her son which then seals me to her.
I know.

I can't wait for the next few months.
I only see my life getting better and better.
I only see myself getting stronger and stronger.

This next week, I am in Houston with my dad, my step mom and her mom and dad.
I am so thankful to be here.
I am thankful my dad brought me out here.
I already miss my wonderful husband but my dad's dog is keeping me company.

Sorry this is such a long post. I just feel like I have so much to say, I want to continue- but I will wait for another day.

P.S. Ebba- I didn't forget you- you have kept me balanced for years. You have been the bestest friend a girl could ask for- and I consider you more of a sister than anything. I love you and am so thankful for you.

XOXOXO

Day 11 Anger Assignment

2011-01-23T20:38:00.000-08:00

Today is day 11.
I have been clean and sober for 11 days.
And most of the time, I feel great.
But at the same time-
I have never been more confused as to who I am.
I think part of my abusing my medication was to hide.
From what?
From who?
I don't know.
All I know is I want to be happy.

Anger has been a constant for me.
I am angry that my family split up.
I am angry that I don't have a home to go home to (I am not homeless, just after my parent's divorce and they sold the house, I have felt like I don't have a home to go home to).
I am angry that my mother refuses to be there for me- time and time again.
Even though she promised she would be.
I AM JUST FLAT OUT ANGRY.

It is part of the process of grieving.
I am starting a new life.
Saying goodbye to an old one and starting anew.
And I am weeding out my thistles and thorns.
And slowly but surely, I am finding my way back to the light.

My second assignment is on Anger.

Please complete this assignment and share in your small group. Please be as honest as you can in your responses. Be sure to complete each list as requested.

1. What has caused you the most pain and discomfort in your life? List ten items.
1. Being raped.
2. My mother not believing I was raped.
3. My parents divorce.
4. Losing my dogs when my parents divorced.
5. Hurting my husband by being an addict.
6. Hurting my grandparents when I lived with them (both sets of them)
7. Disappointing my dad too many times.
8. My mother's inability to love me the way I want/need her to.
9. Losing a child because of my choices.
10. Being neglected by my mother during personal achievements.

2. What makes you feel angry? List ten items.
1. My addiction.
2. My ability to self sabotage.
3. My mother talking horribly about my father.
4. People who don't follow through on promises.
5. Not being able to get pregnant.
6. Not finishing school.
7. I always wear my heart on my sleeve.
8. Not knowing who I am.
9. Having mental disorders.
10. My family being hypocritical.

3. Describe how your own anger feels.
It feels deep and dark. Hidden from the world. And ready to let go.

4. If your anger were a wild animal or some other metaphor, which one would it be? Why?
A wild horse, not ready to be bridled, so it bucks and runs faster the more someone tries to tame it.

5. What does compassion mean to you?
Compassion means doing something nice, kind, loving, without having expectation of it being returned.

6. How do you show compassion to others?
I listen without judgement, I help others when needed, I love without condition.

7. Name people in your life who have shown you compassion.
My Heavenly Father, Jesus, my mother in law, my best friend, my aunts (mi Tia especially), my Myia, my Pa, my Nina, my Don, my father in law, my husband, my uncles, my daddy, my brothers, my sisters, my niece and at times even my mother.

8. List ten qualities you like about yourself.
1. I love my red hair.
2. I think I am funny.
3. My loyalty.
4. My love for music
5. My faith
6. My determination (you tell me I can't do it, I will just to prove you wrong)
7. My people skills
8. My love to learn
9. My ability to forgive
10. My ability to be a true friend, I am someone people can always count on to be there when they need a shoulder.

Surprisingly, this was hard. I had to search and distinguish the difference between pain and anger. Maybe you can try and do this yourself. I am learning so much about myself. I am so glad I decided to listen to my husband and do this. I love that he had prayed about it and was able to receive revelation. I love that my husband holds the Priesthood and the power it contains. I love that my husband can give me blessings and that I am filled with so much calmness, love and understanding. It made such a difference in me making the decision to go to this program.

I have also come to this conclusion. Anger- no matter what type it is or who it is directed at- controls you. It can, if you let it, control every aspect of your life. It can destroy you. I have made a conscious decision to no longer let anger control me. More importantly, the anger towards my mother. The more anger I have, the more control she has over me. I am done being angry. Her lack of support in this process (she has not called me once since I have been in treatment) had me so angry that all I wanted to do was go get loaded. And ruin the last 11 days. Instead, I am no longer empowering her. If she does not want to get to know me, if she does not want to love me for who I am without trying to change me, if she doesn't support my decisions in life- then she will not be apart of my life. I even wanted to write her a letter to express how angry I am at her. In doing so, I would only put her in more control and that is what our whole relationship has been about... control. Well- that is now over. Through meditation, prayer, journaling, and therapy, my anger will slowly disappear as will the control she has over me.

So today ends with a new beginning in site.

And only 4 more days till I get to see my daddy and my step-mom! I can't wait!

Day 5 Powerlessness and Unmanageability

2011-01-17T21:47:00.000-08:00

Apparently, unmanageability is not a word.....

Anyways, things are getting better everyday.
I am finding myself becoming happy again.
However, today after lunch, I felt as though all my withdrawal symptoms had returned.
I felt shaky, achy, tired, irritable, angry, and in so much pain tears were streaming down my face.
I'll see a doctor tomorrow morning in the day program at 830. Hopefully some resolution will come.

In the day program, we are given three assignments we must complete over the course of 2 weeks in order to transition (or move on).

Today I am doing assignment number one. And guess what it is called? You guessed it- Powerlessness and Unmanageability. I am writing it here because I feel like it might help in the following ways, 1) I will gain a better understanding and will have something to look back on and 2) because I want those who are supporting my life and the choices I am making to improve my life will also know how the progress is going.

I am no longer afraid to admit, I have a problem. I am no longer afraid to admit I need help. And last Sunday, when people told me that they would support me and be there for me- I took their word. As you will come to learn, support is how I will become successful over my disease. Which is what I have- simply that. A disease for which there is no cure.

Addiction is a very cunning and baffling disease. Addiction affects our lives in ways that addicts are unaware of.

As the addict enters treatment, it's necessary for them to begin to understand how their addiction was in control of their lives.

The purpose of this exercise is to help you understand how your disease has affected you and your life. If you use Nicotine, or gamble addictively, consider these as you work on your assignment. Please be as honest and thorough as possible.

A. HISTORY OF ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUG USE:
1) At what age and under what circumstances did you begin drinking or using other drugs?
13. To fit in with a friend who I thought was good for me.
2) At what period of your life did you begin planning and anticipating drinking and using
other drugs?
This one is a bit difficult. I was 17 in France to drink and started to use drugs at
age 19.
3) When did you first realize that drinking and using other drugs was becoming a problem?
Within the last year, as it started to affect my job and family relationships.

B. CONSEQUENCES
1) How has addiction affected your health?
I have gained weight, I have been unable to conceive children.
2) How has addiction affected your family?
My family is beyond worried. It has disappointed my family which hurts me. It has burned bridges that I am not sure will ever be repaired. Trust has been lost.
3) How has addiction affected your social life?
I have completely isolated myself. I have no friends beside those of my family.
4) How has addiction affected your finances?
It hasn't- but it would have had I continued down the path I was going.
5) What, if any, legal problems have you had because of addiction?
Luckily, none.
6) What psychological problems have you had due to addiction?
It has escalated my depression and caused my bipolar and borderline personality disorder to get out of control.
7) List any other consequences you've suffered because of addiction.
I have hurt those I love closest to me so much. My actions because I was loaded, almost caused my husband to leave me. My job, my schooling everything stopped so I could feed one addiction or another.

C. HAVE YOU TRIED TO STOP USING ALCOHOL AND OTHER DRUGS BEFORE? IF YES, WHAT IS DIFFERENT THIS TIME?
This time, I have support. I am no longer trying to hide my addiction and therefore it will be more difficult to relapse.

D. DRAW A PICTURE REPRESENTING YOUR POWERLESSNESS AND SHARE WITH THE GROUP.
This will not happen here for obvious reasons, but maybe I can find a picture.

E. WRITE A BRIEF LETTER TO SOMEONE IMPORTANT TO YOU, WHICH MIGHT EXPRESS YOUR COMMITMENT TO RECOVERY.
For this particular instruction, I have two letters I felt were needed to be written.

Daddy,
I have always been your little girl. I always wanted to make you proud of me. My heart is shattered because I have let you down. My disease has taken control and I have lost perspective on what I need to accomplish in life. I have hurt you in ways I didn't know were possible and have heard you shed one too many tears. You are my hero, and through recovery I hope I become half of the person you are. Thank you for being such an amazing example to me and for being there and supporting me. Because you have chosen to be there for me and I have chosen to accept your support, I will recover.

Forever your baby girl,
Moe

Dearest baby of mine,
The moment I knew you were inside me, I loved you. You were the missing link to my family. We had waited so long for you to come. For us to have a child of God and to begin living our life together as a family. Because of my addiction and my inability to stop using narcotics, God chose to take you home. My world shattered and I felt so lost without you. I wanted so desperately to have you come into this world, to know a love only mother's feel. So today, I promise you, my sweet baby, that I am going to get better. I will recover from this disease so that I can prepare to be a mother, clean, sober and healthy one. I love you angel.

Mom

2011-01-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

These last two days have been the worst.
I'm angry.
Really angry.
I'm hurting.
Physically.
Mentally.
Emotionally.
I wanted my mom.
I wanted her support.
I needed her support.
Instead, I have realized that she is a trigger.
Our relationship is a trigger.
A trigger to use.
A trigger to get angry.
To be upset.

Am I not allowed to speak how I feel?
Am I supposed to bottle it all up?
Am I just supposed to just let it fester?

It is time to be selfish for a while.
I'm going to take care of me.
And I have all the support in the world.

Today was family/friends day.
My mother-in-law, father-in-law and husband all came.
They had a group without me
And then one with me.
My MIL afterwards said to me,
"I want to come to your NA meetings with you. I want to understand and to help you find your triggers."
My heart melted.
I feel better.
Less hurt.

My brother came in from Colorado.
To have him hug me, support me.
Even though I only saw him for two and a half hours.
It really meant so much to me.

So tonight, I sit back, relax.
Remember tomorrow is a new day.
And I am ok.

Day 2/red dog

2011-01-13T22:10:00.000-08:00

I don't have much to say today.

I'm exhausted.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.

My little brother surprised me today.
He flew in from Colorado.
He hugged me so tight.
Tears are welling up in my eyes now.
This meant so much to me.

Tonight I hurt even more.
I'm starting to experience pain everywhere.
It has made me so tired.

I'm going to try and sleep now.
Tomorrow is a new day!

Day 1- Crazy/beautiful

2011-01-12T22:25:00.000-08:00

Intake went well.
There were a lot questions.
A lot of answers.
Some talking.

My body aches.
They are helping me through withdrawals.

Tom is amazing.
I can't thank him enough for everything!
I'm so blessed to have him.
I still can't figure out what I did to deserve him.

Tomorrow it starts.
9 am.
Therapists, doctors, group,
I'm looking forward to it.
A new beginning.

Friends, family- THANK YOU
Your love, support, phone calls, emails, comments
It has been my saving grace
I thought plenty of times of leaving.
I thought, "I don't belong here."
Not with the herorin slinging, opiate overdosing people.
But I belong.

I meet with a friend of 4 years after therapy tomorrow.
I feel blessed to have him in my life.

Day 2 tomorrow- stay tuned.

Cowboy Up

2011-01-11T21:32:00.000-08:00

I start a new chapter in my life tomorrow.
It is a year for change and for better things to come.
However, I am so scared.
Scared of the unknown.
Scared of reactions.
Of how people will perceive me.

I thought I could be prolific and say something that I could look back on and think- wow, that was really deep -or- that was really insightful. It is not going to happen folks. I am too tired, hurting too much, and wanting this all to just go away. I want to wake up tomorrow and this all to be over. And I know thats not going to happen. I know there is a lot of work ahead of me. I know that this didn't happen overnight and so nothing is going to change overnight. But yet, I still just want it to just disappear. Maybe it is time I stop running. Maybe it is time, I buckle down, cowboy up and just do it. It is not going to make a difference right. All of these things are just going to be for the better right? The power of positive thinking.

I wish I could have someone hold me up and take care of me. I feel like breaking into a million pieces and just losing it right now. But I can't. I just have to be strong.

For those of you who don't know, and to save myself from lies, gossip and hurt, I am putting this out there----- I am starting rehab tomorrow. Hopefully this won't bite me 5 year later.

For the last year, I have been prescribed narcotics for a chronic back pain. It has gotten out of control, resulting in a very scary hospital visit in December and me blacking out. Now, I would like to say that I am not some crazy addict. I am not going and buying this stuff off the street, or online. I am not selling my household to provide for my addiction, these were given to me by medical professionals. I am recognizing I need some help. I need to learn how to manage my pain better. I need to find tools to deal with my bi-polar along with other issues I have had and have currently. This is not going to be easy. I don't foresee this being exactly what I think I had in mind, but it is all I can do.

On Sunday, my mother came over unexpectedly and got some very important people in my life on the phone to tell me how worried they were about me. I want people to know that they don't have to worry. I know they are family, I know they love me, but I don't want people to worry. I am going to be fine. I have an amazing support system at my finger tips and am doing ok with all that I am given. I worry that with these people worrying they are only going to cause themselves to get sick. So put your mind at ease. I am giving this to God- He will help me along the way.

I think now that I've said this out loud, that it has become a little easier. My heart is still racing. I am still thinking- what are these people going to think of me? How am I going to handle their judgement? But then I realize that- those that love me will not judge. And that I will have their support in battling through this. There is no need for the drama or any tears- just happiness that I am getting better and hopefully Tom and I can start a family.

Right now, I am going through withdrawal. My body aches. My back the most. I am getting a headache. I feel overwhelmed by all of this. But tomorrow is coming whether I like it or not- so at 1230 pm I am going through intake- with my husband by my side. A blessing in my heart. And God carrying me.

I will let you all know the outcome.

P.S.

2011-01-03T19:50:00.001-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

You don't wanna hear about my resolutions- I just hope you can see the results.

XOXO

Dutch Courage

2011-01-03T19:02:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I wrote. I would like to think of it as some big altering, mind blowing event that has kept me away- but it is not just that. I have simply had nothing to say. Nothing that would really have importance or impact. I would like to think that those of you who read my block would take away something. Maybe that is wishful thinking- but here I am writing- needing someone who understands.

I am at a huge crossroad. My being sick has brought me here. I have had more time to research- search out to God. To where I need to be. Where I always end up. Not matter how far I stray- I find myself back here at pleading, with my broken heart to repair it.

Yet, part of me just wants to give in. I hate that I am sick. I am sick physically in some aspects, but more so, I am sick mentally. I think that at least half of this battle is going towards depression, deep depression with deep anxiety. It is a fight every day to just get out of bed. Right now, if I get out by 9, I am doing great. I try and go get things accomplished so that my work doesn't question this illness as it has gone from depression, cellulites, infected ulcer, and a headache that made me lose my mind for 2 whole days, and now we are here.

Do I want to get better? Yes, but at what cost. I believe all the medicines are causing some of my problems, but I don't know which ones not to take- as I trusted these doctors to get me better. So I am going back to basics. I am taking just what I know I need. And pray that my body will put itself back on course and in just a week I will be feeling better. I don't plan on blogging- but maybe I should. *sigh*

Somethings just can't be said out loud. It is not politically correct. I am tired of trying to hold everything back. Yet, I stand here and post nothing. Nothing that could hurt anyone or hurt myself.

But I am going to try- to maybe enlightened you into my head. Write a journal based off nothing but my misunderstood over-dramatic self.

But you first have to know you are dealing with a crazy woman. There are times when I am careening shamelessly into oblivion. I love to run. But for the last little bit I have been here ready to fight this- not give up. I think it is Thomas. He keeps me pretty grounded and his passion for me. He is truly my soul mate. My illnesses will no longer be a reason as to why I cannot achieve great things. I will not longer let it be my crutch. I really want to make a life for him. And he deserves it.

I'll continue to keep you updated. Bill and Victoria get home tomorrow so Tom and I get to go back home :) I am excited to be back to out own little place. One day, I will put up pictures.

Night!!!!

Struggling

2010-12-19T23:02:00.000-08:00

I struggled today.
I thought for sure I was pregnant.
I though I had all the signs---- again.
And then the cramping started.
And I knew.... I wasn't.
And my heart broke.
Again.

But then I am comforted.
I know it will all be ok.
We are not less of a family because of this condition.
Maybe the Lord is just not ready for us to have a baby.
And then I read this:

Just the Two of Us—
for Now

By Ardeth G. Kapp
Young Women General President

This is an edited version of a talk given 1 November 1981 at a married student fireside at Brigham Young University.

Ardeth G. Kapp, “Just the Two of Us—for Now,” Ensign, Feb. 1989, 21
My husband and I do not have any children at the present time. Our blessings in this matter have been delayed. But make no mistake, we are even now a family. Our family unit was established by the authority of God at the same time that we knelt at the altar in the temple. Children come as an extension and an expansion of the family. When a man and a woman are married, they immediately become a family and remain a family even in the temporary absence of children.

I mention this because I know many couples struggle with the sorrow of childlessness. I would like to share with those of you who have not been blessed with children my testimony and some of my insights gained from personal experience about our particular challenge. Because these experiences are so personal, I have seldom shared them outside the walls of our own home.

Multiply and Replenish?

Brother Kapp and I understand and remember some of the pains and much of the suffering that you suffer. We remember the emotional highs and lows with every month, including the fast and testimony meetings when testimonies were borne by those who asked in faith and were blessed with children. We know how you return home and put two dinner plates on the table and recall the marriage covenant to multiply and replenish the earth and your desperate desire to qualify for that honor in righteousness. You can’t explain your feelings to each other, much less to your family and friends; and your whole soul cries out as did Job, “If I be righteous, … I am full of confusion; therefore see thou mine affliction.” (Job 10:15.)

Some of you go through the suffering and concerns of your childlessness year after year until finally you may even say, “My soul is weary of … life” (Job 10:1), thinking that if you have no children, you cannot fill the measure of your creation. And if you don’t fill the measure of your creation, you may say to yourselves, what else matters?

I will forever remember the day a child new to our neighborhood knocked on our door and asked if our children could come out to play. I explained to him, as to others young and old, for the thousandth time, that we didn’t have any children. This little boy squinted his innocent face in a quizzical look and asked the question that I had not dared put into words, “If you are not a mother, then what are you?”

But then came the day my young husband was called to be a bishop and I was finally convinced that our not having children was not because of our unrighteousness. Some don’t understand that. A good man in the ward who had desired that position came to him privately with strong emotion and said, “What right do you have to be a bishop, and what do you know about helping a family? Don’t ever expect me or my family to come to you for anything!” In time my husband helped that man’s family through a serious crisis, and through it we forged a lasting bond of love with them.

You have undoubtedly had similar experiences. If you haven’t, you will. In these ways we grow from the time when everything hurts and offends us until, with faith in God, we are neither hurt nor offended. But I want you to know I understand if you feel hurt or offended now.

Mother’s Day may be one of those times of hurt. Every year there will be a Mother’s Day, and every year at church a little plant or some other gift may be forced into your clenched fist. But one day you will learn to open your heart, and then, somehow, you will open your hand to receive that gift. Eventually, that gift becomes the symbol of an eternal promise.

Unfulfilled Expectations

I know a childless woman who, at the age of fifty-eight, went into the hospital for a hysterectomy. She couldn’t handle the emotional impact of that event, and she wept bitter tears of anguish, saying, “Now I know that I’ll never have any children.” She and her husband lived together in loneliness, waiting, never facing reality and never able to make the adjustments that could have brought them a full life.

How do we handle unfulfilled expectations? First, we must accept the reality that this life is not intended to be free of struggle. In fact, it is through struggle that we are given opportunities to fulfill the very purpose of this mortal life. It is the fiery trials of mortality that will either consume us or refine us.

Part of those trials is facing alternatives and making decisions. For those of us without children, the choices may seem incredibly difficult to make. What would the Lord have us do? To what extent do we seek medical attention? What about adoption and foster children? What about no children? If that is the choice, then what do we do with our lives? The choices are never simple. During these times of searching, we often find ourselves caught between conflicting counsel from parents and friends and leaders and doctors and other experts. Some couples I’ve known even consider divorce, each one thinking the other is responsible.

From my own experience, I’ve learned that the only lasting peace is the peace that comes when we learn the Lord’s will concerning our opportunities in life. To do that, we must consider our alternatives, formulate a decision, and take it to the Lord. Then, as President Dallin H. Oaks observed when he was president of Brigham Young University, “When a choice will make a real difference in our lives— … and where we are living in tune with the Spirit and seeking his guidance, we can be sure we will receive the guidance we need to attain our goal. The Lord will not leave us unassisted when a choice is important to our eternal welfare.” (BYU devotional address, 29 Sept. 1981, in Brigham Young University 1981–82 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo: University Publications, 1982, p. 26.) I believe that. We just don’t know the Lord’s timeline, and that is where our faith comes in.

I have two younger sisters, both of whom are mothers. My youngest sister, Shirley, has eleven children. Sharon, another sister, has a little girl who was born to her after six years of anxious waiting. Ten years later, through the fervent prayers of the extended family for the wonderful blessing of adoption, a little boy came into their family and was sealed to them in the temple for time and eternity. What a blessing he and the other children have been to all of us!

Over the years my sisters and I, with our husbands, have prayed for each other and with each other and about each other. We have come to know that the Lord has answered our prayers differently and not always in the affirmative and not always according to our timeline. But we have all felt the warm assurance of his approval and love.

There will be times when you may feel that your desires are righteous, but the answer is still no. At that point, the only way to peace is to say, “Not my will but thine be done.” The Lord doesn’t have to explain his decisions to us. If he did, how would we learn faith? I have learned that we must make our choices—even the hard ones—and then accept responsibility for the consequences. It is in facing the awesome responsibility of using our agency and, in faith, making decisions of great eternal consequence, that we are drawn close to God.

Someday, maybe years after the trial of our faith, we will receive a witness that our decisions were right. (See Ether 12:6.) But until then, those who try to live in tune with the promptings of the Spirit must exercise no small degree of faith and courage in following that Spirit.

Serving, Sacrificing, and Learning

What, then, are some of the decisions couples can make to lead fulfilled lives when the answer is that they will not have children in this life? One night, as my husband and I were reaching for that kindly light to lead us ’mid the encircling gloom, we read from President David O. McKay, “The noblest aim in life is to strive … to make other lives … happier.” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1961, p. 131.)

It was like a beacon in the dark. It became a motto, a guiding light. That night, speaking I think by inspiration from the Lord, the patriarch of our family said to me, “You need not possess children to love them. Loving is not synonymous with possessing, and possessing is not necessarily loving. The world is filled with people to be loved, guided, taught, lifted, and inspired.”

My husband and I knew that parents are constantly placed in situations that develop unselfishness and sacrifice. We began to realize that if we were to learn the important lessons that our friends with children were learning, we needed to place ourselves in situations where we could serve and sacrifice. So we began to say yes to everything and to everyone.

It wasn’t long before we had many opportunities to serve and sacrifice. Often, at the end of a long week we would plan for a moment together—just the two of us—and the telephone would ring. We’d postpone our moment together and carry on with joyful, grateful hearts for our opportunities, hoping to qualify even in some small measure for the quality spoken of by Elder Neal A. Maxwell:

“So often our sisters [and I would add brothers] comfort others when their own needs are greater than those being comforted. That quality is like the generosity of Jesus on the cross. Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! … They do not withhold their blessings simply because some blessings are [for now at least] withheld from them.” (Ensign, May 1978, pp. 10–11.)

We who do not have children can wallow in self-pity—or we can experience “birth pains” as we struggle to open the passageway to eternal life for ourselves and others. I bear testimony to you that instead of wrapping your empty and aching arms around yourself, you can reach out to others. As you do so, one day you will even be able to hold your friends’ babies and rejoice. You will be able to rejoice with the mother of a new bride, and the mother of a newly called missionary, and even with your friends the day they become grandmothers. How can that be? Let me tell you.

We were alone with each other in St. George, Utah, one Thanksgiving time because all our relatives were with their families. It was early in the morning in the motel; the room was quiet, and I was thinking. I remember my heart crying out as I anticipated Christmas approaching. And although we could share in the joy and excitement of our nieces and nephews, it wasn’t like having your own children with stockings to hang. The whole thing seemed to me to be unfair. I felt a darkness and a despondency settle over me, and I did what I’d learned to do over the years. I got on my knees and prayed for insight.

My answer came when I opened the scriptures to Doctrine and Covenants 88:67–68: “And if your eye be single to my glory [and remember, God’s glory is to help ‘to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man’ (Moses 1:39)] your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things.

“Therefore, sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God, and the days will come that ye shall see him; for he will unveil his face unto you, and it shall be in his own time, and in his own way, and according to his own will.” [D&C 88:67–68]

I don’t know how long it will be for you. For us it was years. But one day you will gain an eternal perspective, and you will feel peace not pain, hope not despair. I would have liked so much to have received that insight years before, but I know that had that happened, I would have been deprived of the growth that comes from being comforted by the witness of the Spirit after the trial of my faith.

An Eye on Eternity

If I have any comforting message for you, it is this—Peace of mind comes from keeping an eternal perspective. Motherhood, I believe, is a foreordained mission. For some, this glorious blessing may be delayed, but it will not be denied. Motherhood is an eternal reality for all women who live righteously and accept the teachings of the gospel.

On the other hand, the characteristics of motherhood, which include concern for others, sacrifice, service, compassion, teaching, encouraging, and inspiring can be the noble labor for each one of us now, with or without children. The fate of each spirit in the eternities to come depends so much on the training it receives from those here and now who are willing to help another gain eternal life.

To participate in this glorious work gives meaning and purpose, great joy, and eternal blessings each and every day, even as we anticipate the promises of the future.

If you don’t think that will be enough comfort, let me close with this thought by President Brigham Young:

“Let me here say a word to console the feelings … of all who belong to this Church. Many of the sisters grieve because they are not blessed with offspring. You will see the time when you will have millions of children around you. If you are faithful to your covenants, you will be mothers of nations. … and when you have assisted in peopling one earth, there are millions of earths still in the course of creation. And when they have endured a thousand million times longer than this earth, it is only as it were the beginning of your creations. Be faithful, and if you are not blest with children in this time, you will be hereafter.” (In Journal of Discourses, 8:208.)

And I know that I am blessed.
I have the most amazing, patient, and loving husband a girl could ask for.
Here is to the future... whatever outcome it may be.

<3

The Bane of my Existence aka Cellulitis

2010-11-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

On Thursday November 4th, I got what I thought was a pimple in the middle of my forehead. No big deal I thought.

Well by Sunday the 7th... this is what my forehead looked like:

I thought I had an ear infection as right in front of my ear was in so much pain (the lymph nodes), it hurt to touch the bone from my eyebrow to my ear. And I had such a horrible headache. My mother in law took me to the doctor to be diganosed with a skin infection called cellulites. Possibly caused by a spider bite.

Not two days later the swelling in my face had overtaken my face and this is what I looked like then:

We went to the hospital. It was bad. I received antibiotics through an IV and was told that it would get worse before it got better- but I was not prepared for what would happen.

Over the next two weeks, the infection spread. It landed me in the hospital three days and has now kept me from working, living, feeling well for almost a month now.

This last Saturday, I was given yet another antibiotic as the infection has not gone away (although I no longer look like a Klingon) and I went into anaphylactic shock. My mother in law rushed me to the ER where I received treatment- but it was by far the scariest thing I have ever experienced. I was also told that the infection might have spread to one of my organs (spleen, kidneys or liver). They took me off the antibiotics and put me on steroids and was told that I needed to be seen by the infectious disease clinic. Awesome. That appointment is on Friday morning.

In the meantime, we have been at my amazing in-laws house. Our car started leaking anti-freeze this week. We took it in this morning to find out that the water gasket is leaking and needs to be replaced. Another awesome thing. It will cost around $600.00 and we are so thankful to have family that is able to help us. Thanks Daddy- it means a lot to have your help!!!

I can honestly say that I have never been more ready to go back to work. Hopefully the doctor's release me on Friday to return to work Monday.

But more importantly than all of that, my testimony has grown so much.
We have had to rely on God during this trail.
I am not working.
Tom is getting as many hours as possible, but it still isn't enough.
We have so many people praying for me, that it is as though I can feel each one.
I have never been happier than I am right now.
I feel like everything is ok- even when I know I have never been more sick than I am right now.
Tom and I feel so blessed to have God's mercy being granted to us everyday.

I wanted to share this story with you all. It has changed my life. This sickness has made me depend on my Heavenly Father more than ever before.

With 5 trips to the ER and a hospital stay- along with a CT scan, we knew that the medical bills were going to be more than we could handle. It was by far the biggest stress on both Tom and I. The last visit on Saturday was extremely emotional.

When I got admitted into the hospital Tom and I filed an application with our medical provider to get some financial assistance. We were told it would take a month to be processed and we would be notified by mail. Ok.

So- back to Saturday night after my allergic reaction to the medication..... after I was released we had to go pick up my medication (2 epi-pens (just in case something happened again) and steroids). Now Tom and I literally had just enough to pay tithing, get milk and toilet paper and gas for the rest of the week. When I saw how much it was going to be for the medication (even with insurance, it was expensive) Tom and I would have nothing left. By the grace of God and some help, we have been able to pay our bills and rent for the month, but that was it, we had nothing else to give. I almost started to freak out. I looked at Tom and was almost in tears when the pharmacist said, "It looks like you filed some paperwork." We had been approved for the financial assistance. All of the hospital visits, the medication, the hospital stay, EVERYTHING, was going to be covered. When we got home, there was the letter letting us know we would be covered until January. We immediately prayed and thanked the Lord for once again delivering us.

While this has been the most trying thing I have ever had to deal with, it has also brought Tom and I so much closer. We have also become closer to our Heavenly Father. I am so very grateful for all of the prayers and blessings we have received. I am so very thankful for Tom's amazing family. They have been incredibly generous and selfless. Tom's mom has gone above and beyond the call of mother in law. She has held my hand as they tried to lance my forehead. She has read to me and held me close. I can never repay her for what she has given to me. For what she has done for Tom and I. I also cannot ever thank my father and step-mother enough for all they have done. The calls and the texts as well as helping us with our car has meant so much to both of us. It has really helped make this whole ordeal better. My family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brother and sisters, friends and members of the church have done more for us then we could ever ask for. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

So I just want to say thank you. Thank you for the prayers. For the phone calls. The emails. The texts. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts. It is more than we could ever ask for. We are eternally grateful.

I see the infectious disease doctor at 8:45 am on Friday. I will update this as soon as I know what is going on. <3

Homesick

2010-11-10T09:35:00.001-08:00

It is always about this time of the year- where I find myself homesick.
And even though my home is long gone (my childhood home) and there isn't a place that I can call my home right now (other than my apartment), I crave what life used to be during the holiday season.

I recall one of my favorite childhood memories:
We were going to Salt Lake City for Christmas.
We had to take two cars. We had so much stuff.
So my daddy and I drove in the red jeep wagoner all the way to SLC.
We listened to George Strait tapes.
I feel asleep with my head in his lap.
We talked and had the best time.

I just want to be with my family.
I miss my daddy.
I miss both sets of grandparents.
I miss my brother and sister.
I miss my aunts and uncles.

I miss my friends.
I don't have many here.
And I miss those nights when everyone was together
When I had people to talk to
Hang out with
Enjoy life with.

I guess this is all part of growing up-
But I'd give my right arm right now to have my family close by.

My Daddy

2010-11-03T16:14:00.001-07:00

Since it is the month of November- I am going to be writing each day- about something I am thankful for. Today it is this man:

My Daddy! The first man in my life. The one who has picked me up a thousand times. Who has loved me unconditionally and who has been my number one fan! I am truly blessed to have him in my life.

Growing up, my dad had to be gone a lot. He sacrificed so much so that he could provide for his family. But when he was home, he was the best dad in the world. I would always cry and beg him not to leave. I never wanted to be without him. I still don't. My eyes are filling with tears now as I write about how amazing my father is. I miss him a lot.

If I become half of the person he is, I will be a wonderful woman. I am proud to be his daughter. I love him with all my heart and won't ever miss the opportunity to tell him that. But in case he wasn't sure, Daddy- I love you. You mean the world to me. And I am so glad that God chose you to be my father. You have done a great job with me and I will make you so very proud of me. Just you wait and see. I love you.

Forever your baby girl,

Moe

Re:Progress

2010-11-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

So-
Here is what I learned today at group.

Feelings and moods are different.
Feelings are like the weather *today it is warm*
Moods are like the climate *it is fall*
Feelings change frequently.
Moods tend to last a while- but shouldn't last forever.

Your feelings are like the waves in the ocean.
They come from no where- last but a brief moment and then disappear.

When I feel something, anything, I need to stop and recognize that feeling.
I am not to become that feeling for that feeling is not me.
Once I know what I am feeling, I need to find out how it got me there.
What was I thinking that made me feel this way?

Does this sound basic?
I feel like I have never learned this before.
Or maybe I did learn and just chose not to utilize it.
I am learning how to not let my feelings control me.
And I feel like this is something I should have learned a long time ago.
Why am I just learning it now?

I told my doctor today about how I feel like I have lost my mother.
He said, "Of course you do, but that is your feeling, which is irrational, and through group you'll learn how to control that."
There will be a lot of groups to come.
I plan on going to 2-3 a week.

I am ready to be better.
I am ready to become the best person I can.

My dear Nina reminded me today that regardless of how I feel about myself, I am still a good person.
I have made mistakes *most of us do*
But I know that the person I once was, is gone.
I am no longer doing things to please everyone else.
I am now focusing on me, and my husband and our eternal family.
I will only be true to myself.
That is all I can do.
Merci ma grandmere pour me dire que je suis magnefic. Je t'aime avec tout mon coeur.
I am really glad she reminded me of that.
Thank you.

Goodnight world- brownies, How to Train a Dragon and my husband are all waiting for me. :)

Progress

2010-11-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

I have a meeting with my psychologist today.
And then group.
I have only gone to group one other time, but my doctor is sure it will help me.

I am overwhelmed.
Something that the doctor says is normal.
It is the borderline personality disorder.
My emotions tend to overwhelm me.
And then I am stuck.
Here.

Now it is time to learn how to not let my emotions overwhelm me and take control.
I am not sure if I am ready to face this battle.
However, I know I have to.
It is the only way I am going to get better.
It is the only way I will improve my relationships.

I know this is going to bring up some not-so-good memories.
I know it is going to hurt first and then help later.
I know.
But I still don't feel prepared.
I feel unsure.
I feel alone in this battle *although I know I am not*

Lately, things have been tough.
I will acknowledge that part of it is my own fault.
I chose this road.
And now I must accept the consequences.
As hard as that is to swallow.

The other part.
My mother.
I got a text from her last week.
It went something like this:
Call State Farm about claim. I will call andy and have you removed from my policy. I forgot about it, but since I am no longer apart of your family.

How do I take this?
What mother says that to her own daughter?
In turn, my feelings have been this:
I have lost my mother. *Maybe I never had her*
I feel like I have to grieve her loss.
I am so sad.
And yet, I know that this is my only option.

I have had so many people validate this.
My doctor says that I can't be apart of her sickness.
I have to move on.
Yet, I am stuck.
As always.
How do I just carry on and let go?
I guess that is what I will learn throughout my progress with my doctor.

I have so many people be so supportive.
I am so thankful for those people.
I am so thankful for my amazing husband.
He has stuck by me through all of this.
I can only imagine what I have put him through, but this is what unconditional love is.
And my grandparents *both sets*, my aunt, my sister and brother, my in-laws- and even my dad have all stepped up and showed me that I am not alone in this.
This makes this journey so much easier.
With love, anything is possible.

And with that, I am going to head out to my appointment.
I will provide further details of how it goes.
Thank you everyone for being there.
You will never know how much it means to me.

XOXO

Update Time

2010-10-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

It has been a long time since I updated this thing.

Things have been crazy busy (3 weddings this summer out of state), lots of work, church and family fun.

I am working all the time :) but I love my job.

Tom is going to school and loving it (minus the homework part).

We traveled a lot this summer. Loved every moment- but we are so glad to be home. :)

In the meantime, we are getting ready for the holidays and we are excited that fall has finally arrived. The Holidays started off with a visit from the most adorable little boy in the whole world, Logan Jay.

His mommy (Stacy) and him came up from Nevada just for the weekend and on Sunday, we all came together at Grandma and Grandpa Taylor's house for a night full of Halloween fun, (which pretty much included eating, talking and holding Logan). It was such a good night.

Uncle Charlie and the three grandkids (McKenna, Brooklyn and Logan)

October 10, 2010
My best friend in the whole world married the man of her dreams, Jeremy. I really felt it was such a blessing to be able to go to Portland and be apart of her special day.
If it wasn't for my dear cousin Gena and her generosity, Tom and I would have never been able to make it.
It was our first time ever being in Oregon and we fell in love.
We first went to Bend and spent 2 nights and 1 day there with Gena and her husband Robert. We got to see the city of Bend and meet some of her family and friends. It was amazing and is a contender in figuring out where we want to raise our family (once we have one and no, there is no news on that front :))
That Sunday morning, we got up and we drove to Portland, we checked in early to our free hotel room (thank you sooooo much Gena) and then I went to spend the rest of the day with my bestie until the wedding.
The wedding was beautiful. It was in the Lan Su Gardens of Portland. Becca looked amazing and Jer was so handsome. It was hard to not fill up with tears and they exchanged their vows and I knew that I would have to share her with someone else forever :) I just know there is no one else I'd rather share with.

In September, Tom and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary, camping at Lake Oroville with Tom's parents, his little sister and little brother. We had an awesome time and enjoyed just getting away from the real world for a while. I can't believe I have been married for 2 years. It just seems like yesterday we met and fell in love. It only gets better, the longer we are together. I can't wait for the next 50 years.

In August, we drove to Wyoming from California for my seester's wedding. It was a good drive, with a stop in Salt Lake both to and from. Jenn's wedding was amazing and it was soooo good to see her with the love of her life. I got to spend quite a bit of time with Molly and with my nieces. I also got to spend time with my Godfather and his beautiful wife Joyce. On the way back, Tom and I spent two days in Salt Lake and it makes me miss it. Having the ability to see my grandparents whenever would be such a blessing. I also got to spend a few hours with my beautiful friend Aubrie, her handsome husband Hayden and her most adorable baby Jackson. The trip was much needed. It was good to go home and be with my family. I can't wait until the next trip out there (although Tom can)!!!!

Thats the update for now. Titan is getting HUGE! He was neutered a week ago (thanks Nina and Grandpa for helping with that) and has not calm downed one bit. We love him so much and he fits perfectly into our family.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

<3 Cass

How in the world.....

2010-09-11T16:52:00.001-07:00

did I get so lucky to have my husband as my companion for time and all eternity???

2 years later

2010-09-07T11:53:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Tom and I celebrated 2 years of marriage. We went camping with my in-laws up north at Lake Oroville. It was awesome! We had such a great time and it was great to get away.

I love this time of the year. The weather is slowly turning into fall and we celebrate (or I do at least) our love and how far we have come.

Septemeber 3, 2007- Thomas and I had our first date. He kissed me. He asked me to be his girlfriend... little did I know.

September 6, 2008- We are married in Petaluma.

September 4, 2009- We recieve our endowments.

September 5, 2009- We are sealed for time and all eternity.

I love this man with all my heart. He is my life. I am so glad we are in this life together.

Can't wait for the next 50 years baby.

Definitions of Mothers

2010-09-03T14:26:00.001-07:00

As I examine my relationship with my mother- I am quite curious what makes a mother a mom.

At this time, my mother and I are not talking. I have found it difficult to even call her my mother. Maybe it is because my definition of mother is different from those around me, or maybe it is because I don't believe that she represents what a mother is to me.

Webster's Dictionary defines mother as
"a (1) : a female parent b (1) : a woman in authority; specifically : the superior of a religious community of women (2) : an old or elderly woman
2: source, origin
3: maternal tenderness or affection
4: something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind especially in terms of scale
— moth·er·hood\-ˌhu̇d\ noun
— moth·er·less\-ləs\ adjective
— moth·er·less·ness noun
Origin of MOTHER
Middle English moder, from Old English mōdor; akin to Old High German muoter mother, Latin mater, Greek mētēr, Sanskrit mātṛ
First Known Use: before 12th century

Such a simple definition for a job that is so big. Could we get a little but more in depth? Is there a difference between a mother and a mom? What is the definition of a good mom?

For the last 26 years, I have been trying so hard to find a relationship with my mother. We've had our ups and downs, we've had our struggles, we've had our good times, and we've had our not-so-great times. But when it all came down to it, I found myself doing anything it took to have my mother pay attention to me, to love me uncondtionally, and to be the kind of mother that I could come to when things got tough for me. I thought that maybe after 26 years, we had finally reached a middle ground. I was wrong. At a time in my life where I needed my mom the most, and just needed her to be there- to tell me it would all be ok- that we all make mistakes and that I could redeem myself and I WOULD redeem myself. Instead, I realize that the relationship I crave with my own mother, I have recieved elsewhere, since my mother doesn't know how to give me, as her child, what I want and need. I don't think she even knows me anymore. She knows me as how I used to be, but she doesn't seem to recognize the changes I have made within myself. For example: 4 years ago, I would have never fessed up to making a mistake. I would have said, "Nope, I didn't do it." Or even acknowledge that I did something wrong. But my heart has changed. I no longer yearn to be that person. And while I made an awful mistake that had many reasons behind it, I didn't hide from it, I didn't lie about it and I made right by accepting my consequences. The old me would have never done that.

I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Sometimes big- others small. But I am determined to be the best person I can be. And right now in my life, that can't include people who are negative, who make everything about themselves, and who don't want to help me become better.

I have been blessed to have many women in my life to help fill the void I have felt where my mother wasn't. My two wonderful sisters, my two amazing grandmothers, my mother-in-law and my dearest Aunt Fritzi. Between these woman, I have learned about love, health, happiness, managing money, faith, hope, kindness, understanding and unconditional love. I have never been more proud to be related to this ladies in my life.

And maybe it is because biologically, this woman gave birth to me, held me for the first few years of my life, that I feel like I should have this undeniable bond- but maybe now- now I can say that I have those bonds and I can finally stop trying and failing and breaking my heart everytime it doesn't go the way I want it to with my own mother.

I want to go deeper. I want to explain why I feel the way I feel and what has gotten me to this point, but that might be for another blog. Or maybe it something I still need to hash out in my own head. I am not angry anymore. I can't carry that around. It created too much havic in my life before. And I don't like being angry. I am simply accepting that this is what it is. Neither one of us has made an attempt to speak with the other for almost two weeks now, and I don't forsee us talking anytime soon. Maybe we are both just bad for each other.

What are your definitions of mother? Is MOM different? How are your relationships with your mother? Maybe that would help me with my defination.

My Myia....

2010-09-01T17:52:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I recieved an email from my grandmother.
It brought tears to my eyes.

I truly admire this woman and all that she is.
She has been with my grandfather for over 50 years.
Together, the created a beautiful family.
Together, they showed me how to love, how to be honest, how to make a marriage work.
I once asked my grandmother how she kept her marriage together for so long. Her response: " I learn something new about him everyday."
I think that is the most beautiful thing ever.

I wanted to share part of them email she wrote.
It is a very personal but the poem she put in there is amazing.

I love my Myia. I love her so much. She has always been there for me. She has never given up on me. And I am proud to be called her granddaughter. I love you Joan Joslyn. You are my hero.

"I think of you so often - especially when I read from my favorite books of poetry written by a lady from Denver, Helen Lowrie Marshall, who I met in the early 1960's. I was present at two of her "book readings" and in the next few years I collected five of her little books. I have kept them close at hand and often referred to them when I needed a bit of spiritual inspiration. She was a very lovely woman - not only on the outside - but definitely on the inside - a beautiful Christian believer. I would like to share her messages with you each time I come across one that speaks to me of you.
"You're Wonderful"

You're wonderful! Oh yes you are,
And not alone to me,
For wonderful it surely is
That one should even be!

A living breathing, feeling, thinking,
Laughing love you -
Could there be anything more purely
Wonderful come true?

Oh yes, you're wonderful - and I
And all men everywhere
Who, in this awesome thing call life,
Have been allowed to share.

Blest with a heart and mind and soul
And store of memory -
There's no more wondrous thing on earth
Than you, my grandchild, and me.

Hopefully, this will let you know how much I care and that you truly are most precious to me and to your grandfather. May God bless you and keep you safe, healthy and happy!"

P.S. She also takes the most beautiful pictures of me AND cooks the most amazing meals. I wish I could see her more and be in her life more. I just hope she knows how much I truly do love her and my dear grandfather.

Infertility

2010-08-31T16:18:00.000-07:00

Since Tom and I got married (it'll be two years on September 6th), we have been trying to start a family. And so far, it hasn't worked. We've had three miscarriages, 2 chemical pregnancies (where the egg is fertilized but the egg doesn't attach to the uterus and 1 miscarriage in June. I was 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. It has been the most difficult challenge I have ever had to face in my life.

At this time, Tom and I have decided to quit trying. I have put myself back on birth control for at least 6 months to a year and then we will try again. If we still don't get pregnant within 3-6 months after getting off birth control, we will start infertility treatments. I am so scared to go down that road, as my sister, Molly, had to go down that road and she hasn't said too many great things about it.

I wish there were more people who understood the pain that takes place when they are unable to conceive a child. Hope has becoming my worst enemy, but my only saving grace. I have wanted nothing more in my life than to be a mommy. I see a lot of my friends get pregnant, have children and LOVE it. It is just soooo hard to put a smile on your face and not feeling hurt, anger and jealousy for your friends. And it isn't their fault- you wouldn't want them going through this either. I just wonder when it will be my turn.

I found this on a blog that really touched me. I think it is great advice.

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Tom and I have both discussed adoption, but its too early for that. We have discussed never having children and that is just not an option. We want a family. A small family, but a family. But for now, we will wait. Pray. And give it to God. He is the One that makes the final decision.

My Conversion Story

2010-08-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

Growing up, I spent 3 or 4 summers with my grandparents in Salt Lake. During this time in my life, I was starting to struggle with quite a few aspects of my teenage life and my Nina made it clear that while I was staying there I had to go to church. Now it didn't matter which church I went to, she would go with me, but I had to go. She knew I needed God in my life. So I went to her church with grandpa. They are Latter Day Saints (aka Mormons). I investigated the church until I was about 15 and then left for selfish reasons and started to really head down the wrong path in my life.

My teenage years were full of anguish for me. Turmoil. Sadness. And just trying to belong. How much different my life would have been had I continued to investigate the church and make the right decisions in my life? My mom would not let me get baptized until I was 18 and by that time, I was so far away from God- I didn't even know where to look.

After a very unhealthy relationship, and broken relationships with my grandparents, and my self image being torn down to the very last shred, I was at rock bottom. I was drinking often, smoking pot and just trying to forget my past and the pain I was feeling. The pain stemmed from long ago and just grew to be anger- against myself and against those who I thought should have been there, but weren't. I pitted family members against themselves and hurt those I loved the most by my actions. At one point, my grandfather told me that I had no integrity.

Then I met my husband. And his family. Each of them carrying a light that was so bright- and I wanted it. As Tom and I got more serious (3 weeks into our relationship haha) I decided we needed to go to church- any church. I knew I needed God in my life and so I decided to start with the LDS church (Tom was inactive at the time). We found a ward (it wasn't in our area- we just went) and the talk was on happiness and that the only way to get there was to follow the Gospel and to be obedient. The moment sacrament was over, I called the missionaries. They hopped on their bikes and rode directly to my house to give me Book of Mormon and to set up our first missionary discussion. I knew this was the answer to my prayers. On October 31st, I took my first discussion. Soon after, I called my grandparents, who once had been so close to me, and whom I hadn't spoken with in over two years, to forgive me. I told them I was joining the church and that I wanted my grandfather to baptize me. They made the trek out here and on December 11th (the same day my sister was baptized in the church) I became a member. And my heart was full. I felt forgiven for all of my past mistakes and for the first time in my life, I was truly happy. And I had the best missionaries ever! The "Bickersons" is what we called them. And I am so glad that one of them was able to be there for our sealing. What a treat for him! I miss them so- but am glad that we are able to keep in touch even with the seas parting us! Thanks Elders for all you did for me. You changed my life. I love you! ALL 4 of you!

For the next year, Tom and I worked hard together to prepare ourselves for being sealed in the Temple. A year after we were married, we were sealed together for time and all eternity and it was the most beautiful experience in my life. Going to the Temple brings such peace and comfort to me. I know that here, God is taking me in His arms and hugging me so tightly. I finally had the light.

But don't get me wrong. It has been a tough road. I still have a tough time with saying no to temptation. I still fumble and fall- but that is what is so great about the Atonement. It allows us to be human and make mistakes. Right now, I am fixing some mistakes I have made. Mistakes that were unbecoming of a church member. And this will be a long road. But a road I am willing to travel with my whole heart, because I know this is where I belong.

Two weeks ago, Tom and I were in SLC, and we were walking on Temple Square. The moment I walked onto the Square, I felt such peace. It was exactly what I needed. God reminded me how much I need Him and He put His arms around me and squeezed. I felt like all my burdens had been lifted off my shoulder. The next few months to a year are going to be full of challenges. Satan is going to try his best to defeat me because he knows my weaknesses. Thankfully I have the most amazing husband in the world, two amazing grandparents that guide me and a wonderful family that will help me get back on the right track and stay there.

Last night, as I was driving to my in-laws for dinner- I decided to listen to one of the conference talks. And it was exactly what I needed to hear at that very moment. Man, I love how God speaks to us. It can be so subtle or it can be a loud scream in our ear. This was a loud whisper into my ear:

“Repent . . . That I May Heal You”
Elder Neil L. Andersen
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

My brothers and sisters, it has been six months since my call to the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. To now serve with men who have long been my examples and teachers remains a very humbling experience. I deeply appreciate your prayers and sustaining vote. For me, this has been a time of fervent prayer, of earnestly seeking the acceptance of the Lord. I have felt His love in sacred and unforgettable ways. I testify that He lives and that this is His holy work.

We love President Thomas S. Monson, the Lord’s prophet. I will forever remember his kindness as he extended my call last April. At the conclusion of our interview, he opened his arms to embrace me. President Monson is a tall man. As he wrapped his long arms around me and pulled me close, I felt like a little boy being held in the protective arms of a loving father.

In the months since that experience, I have thought of the Lord’s invitation to come unto Him and to spiritually be wrapped in His arms. He said, “Behold, [my arms] of mercy [are] extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.”1

The scriptures speak of His arms being open,2 extended,3 stretched out,4 and encircling.5 They are described as mighty6 and holy,7 arms of mercy,8 arms of safety,9 arms of love,10 “lengthened out all the day long.”11

We have each felt to some extent these spiritual arms around us. We have felt His forgiveness, His love and comfort. The Lord has said, “I am he [who] comforteth you.”12

The Lord’s desire that we come unto Him and be wrapped in His arms is often an invitation to repent. “Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you.”13

When we sin, we turn away from God. When we repent, we turn back toward God.

The invitation to repent is rarely a voice of chastisement but rather a loving appeal to turn around and to “re-turn” toward God.14 It is the beckoning of a loving Father and His Only Begotten Son to be more than we are, to reach up to a higher way of life, to change, and to feel the happiness of keeping the commandments. Being disciples of Christ, we rejoice in the blessing of repenting and the joy of being forgiven. They become part of us, shaping the way we think and feel.

Among the tens of thousands listening to this conference, there are many degrees of personal worthiness and righteousness. Yet repentance is a blessing to all of us. We each need to feel the Savior’s arms of mercy through the forgiveness of our sins.

Years ago, I was asked to meet with a man who, long before our visit, had had a period of riotous living. As a result of his bad choices, he lost his membership in the Church. He had long since returned to the Church and was faithfully keeping the commandments, but his previous actions haunted him. Meeting with him, I felt his shame and his deep remorse at having set his covenants aside. Following our interview, I placed my hands upon his head to give him a priesthood blessing. Before speaking a word, I felt an overpowering sense of the Savior’s love and forgiveness for him. Following the blessing, we embraced and the man wept openly.

I am amazed at the Savior’s encircling arms of mercy and love for the repentant, no matter how selfish the forsaken sin. I testify that the Savior is able and eager to forgive our sins. Except for the sins of those few who choose perdition after having known a fulness, there is no sin that cannot be forgiven.15 What a marvelous privilege for each of us to turn away from our sins and to come unto Christ. Divine forgiveness is one of the sweetest fruits of the gospel, removing guilt and pain from our hearts and replacing them with joy and peace of conscience. Jesus declares, “Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?”16

Some listening today may need “a mighty change [of] heart”17 to confront serious sins. The help of a priesthood leader might be necessary. For most, repenting is quiet and quite private, daily seeking the Lord’s help to make needed changes.

For most, repentance is more a journey than a one-time event. It is not easy. To change is difficult. It requires running into the wind, swimming upstream. Jesus said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross and follow me.”18 Repentance is turning away from some things, such as dishonesty, pride, anger, and impure thoughts, and turning toward other things, such as kindness, unselfishness, patience, and spirituality. It is “re-turning” toward God.

How do we decide where our repentance should be focused? When a loved one or friend suggests things we need to change, the natural man in us sometimes pops up his head and responds, “Oh, you think I should change? Well, let me tell you about some of your problems.” A better approach is to humbly petition the Lord: “Father, what wouldst Thou have me do?” The answers come. We feel the changes we need to make. The Lord tells us in our mind and in our heart.19

We then are allowed to choose: will we repent, or will we pull the shades down over our open window into heaven?

Alma warned, “Do not endeavor to excuse yourself in the least point.”20 When we “pull the shades down,” we stop believing that spiritual voice inviting us to change. We pray but we listen less. Our prayers lack that faith that leads to repentance.21

At this very moment, someone is saying, “Brother Andersen, you don’t understand. You can’t feel what I have felt. It is too difficult to change.”

You are correct; I don’t fully understand. But there is One who does. He knows. He has felt your pain. He has declared, “I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands.”22 The Savior is there, reaching out to each of us, bidding us: “Come unto me.”23 We can repent. We can!

Realizing where we need to change, we sorrow for the sadness we have caused. This leads to sincere and heartfelt confession to the Lord and, when needed, to others.24 When possible, we restore what we have wrongly harmed or taken.

Repentance becomes part of our daily lives. Our weekly taking of the sacrament is so important—to come meekly, humbly before the Lord, acknowledging our dependence upon Him, asking Him to forgive and to renew us, and promising to always remember Him.

Sometimes in our repentance, in our daily efforts to become more Christlike, we find ourselves repeatedly struggling with the same difficulties. As if we were climbing a tree-covered mountain, at times we don’t see our progress until we get closer to the top and look back from the high ridges. Don’t be discouraged. If you are striving and working to repent, you are in the process of repenting.

As we improve, we see life more clearly and feel the Holy Ghost working more strongly within us.

Sometimes we wonder why we remember our sins long after we have forsaken them. Why does the sadness for our mistakes at times continue following our repentance?

You will remember a tender story told by President James E. Faust. “As a small boy on the farm . . . , I remember my grandmother . . . cooking our delicious meals on a hot woodstove. When the wood box next to the stove became empty, Grandmother would silently pick up the box, go out to refill it from the pile of cedar wood outside, and bring the heavily laden box back into the house.”

President Faust’s voice then filled with emotion as he continued: “I was so insensitive . . . I sat there and let my beloved grandmother refill the kitchen wood box. I feel ashamed of myself and have regretted my [sin of] omission for all of my life. I hope someday to ask for her forgiveness.”25

More than 65 years had passed. If President Faust still remembered and regretted not helping his grandmother after all those years, should we be surprised with some of the things we still remember and regret?

The scriptures do not say that we will forget our forsaken sins in mortality. Rather, they declare that the Lord will forget.26

The forsaking of sins implies never returning. Forsaking requires time. To help us, the Lord at times allows the residue of our mistakes to rest in our memory.27 It is a vital part of our mortal learning.

As we honestly confess our sins, restore what we can to the offended, and forsake our sins by keeping the commandments, we are in the process of receiving forgiveness. With time, we will feel the anguish of our sorrow subside, taking “away the guilt from our hearts”28 and bringing “peace of conscience.”29

For those who are truly repentant but seem unable to feel relief: continue keeping the commandments. I promise you, relief will come in the timetable of the Lord. Healing also requires time.

If you are concerned, counsel with your bishop. A bishop has the power of discernment.30 He will help you.

The scriptures warn us, “Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance.”31 But, in this life, it is never too late to repent.

Once I was asked to meet an older couple returning to the Church. They had been taught the gospel by their parents. After their marriage, they left the Church. Now, 50 years later, they were returning. I remember the husband coming into the office pulling an oxygen tank. They expressed regret at not having remained faithful. I told them of our happiness because of their return, assuring them of the Lord’s welcoming arms to those who repent. The elderly man responded, “We know this, Brother Andersen. But our sadness is that our children and grandchildren do not have the blessings of the gospel. We are back, but we are back alone.”

They were not back alone. Repentance not only changes us, but it also blesses our families and those we love. With our righteous repentance, in the timetable of the Lord, the lengthened-out arms of the Savior will not only encircle us but will also extend into the lives of our children and posterity. Repentance always means that there is greater happiness ahead.

I bear witness that our Savior can deliver us from our sins. I have personally felt His redeeming power. I have unmistakably seen His healing hand upon thousands in nations throughout the world. I testify that His divine gift removes guilt from our heart and brings peace to our conscience.

He loves us. We are members of His Church. He invites each of us to repent, turn away from our sins, and come unto Him. I witness that He is there in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

This talk was amazing. It brought tears to my eyes quite often throughout the talk. We are so blessed to have these men leading our Church, being the mouth of God. It truly is such a blessing.

If there is one word of advice I can give to BIC members, it is to really try and befriend those who are converts. It is really important for them to have the fellowship and to be around those who have good morals and values. I know that this is one of the reason I have been frustrated with the Church in the past. Tom and I are the youngest couple in our ward and we haven't started a family yet (and not for the lack of trying either) and I feel like we just don't belong sometimes. I was really sick for about a month and wasn't able to attend Church or teach my Sunbeams and no one called me to check in on me. And the next time I met with the Bishop, he told me he had been asked to release me from my calling. This broke my heart for two reasons. I love those kids. Sooooo much. They were the highlight of my week- especially when I was having really tough weeks. And the second part was that no one called to check in on me- they didn't facebook me to ask if I was ok. And that really hurt. I thought of these people as my family. And now my heart is just hurt. Part of my repentance process is to let go of all of that hurt. It isn't about the people- that's not why I go. I go for my salvation. To praise and honor my Heavenly Father. And I need to keep that in perspective.

So that is my conversion story. Kind of long, I know, but it is my story and I am proud of it.

XOXO

Mental disorders

2010-08-27T14:28:00.001-07:00

In April, I was diagnoised with bipolar 2 and boaderline personality disorder. I think the toughest thing about being diagnoised with this was the misconception of the two mental disorders. Wedmd.com defines bipolar 2 as: "Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time. However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-on mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania. A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in life. Most people with bipolar II disorder also suffer from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from. In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives."
And boaderline personality disorder is defined as: "Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a serious and often life-threatening disorder that is characterized by severe emotional pain and difficulties managing emotions. The problems associated with BPD include impulsivity (including suicidality and self-harm), severe negative emotion such as anger and/or shame, chaotic relationships, an extreme fear of abandonment, and accompanying difficulties maintaining a stable and accepting sense of self. Thus, BPD is characterized by pervasive instability of mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and actions, often negatively affecting loved ones, family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity."

I feel so misunderstood sometimes. I feel unable to control my emotions at times. I really try and not let these hinder me and am on medication to help balance my moods, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't use it as a crutch, but some people just need to understand what I am dealing with. I am not making excuses for any of my actions, but maybe people knowing this will help them understand where I am in my life.

I get depressed. And often. I try and look at the postive side of life, but sometimes that is just not possible. I am currently seeing someone who is giving me a lot of perspective on my life and how it needs to be shaped. It has taken me this long to figure out that I needed to see someone. I knew I had clinical depression, but I wasn't aware it was this bad.

I have been told all my life that my emotions are the worst part of me. And maybe that is true. But I have seen the side of not having emotions and it is horrible. It is one of the reasons that I have stopped taking medication in the past. I hate not being able to feel happiness or sadness. These types of medications put you right smack dab in the middle of nothing. You don't feel anything, you are just stagnic. And I hate that. I love my emotions, most of the time. They make me who I am.

I know that most people don't take this seriously and just see me as being emotional or that I over-react to situations. But maybe if people knew about the disorder and how it really truly affects people then there would be more of an understanding and less of a negative conotation to these types of disorders.

I have to thank my husband for being so supportive of me while I learn how to manage this. It has been quite a rollarcoaster. Up and down quite often and moments where I just want to lay in bed and sleep. He understands and doesn't question it and his frustrations are valid. I am trying to get better, but this will be with me for the rest of my life.

I have to rely on my meds and on God to get me through this and sometimes it just isn't enough. Something will trigger my depression and no matter how hard I try to fight it, I find myself just being wrapped up my emotions, unable to get out of it.

Thank you to the rest of you who have been able to deal with me and who don't think negatively of my disorder. I hope this helps inform you on what has been going on in my life for the last few months. I will continue to update you.

Hope all is well with you-
Cass

Private

2010-08-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

We are going private in t minus 48 hours... Email me your addresses if you'd like to continue reading about our crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautful life. Or you can just comment on here :)

The blog will be changing. It will still update you on our lives, but I am going to also start writing about how my life has changed with being diagnosed with a mental disorder, my current process of repentance and our struggle of not being able to concieve. I'd also like to start reflecting on my journey as a convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a journey it has been!

The blog will get deep. I'm not going to sugar coat things for fear of upsetting people, hopefully they will read it with an open mind and know that this is just how I feel- it will not be fact- it will just be me and my thoughts and maybe Tom's if he ever wants to.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

Xoxo
Cass

2010-07-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

1.) What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
-In my mouth... nachos from our work pot luck :)
2.)Name someone who made you laugh today?
-Well its been a pretty fun day! I love work and the people at work- but the one that has made me laugh the most is Anthony... but I am sure when I get home my husband will make me laugh... more than anyone else has today
3.)How late did you stay up last night and why?
- Um until 10:45 because I was tired and had to work today
4.) Ever been kissed under the fireworks?
- um... I think so?
5.)Which of your friends lives closest to you?
- Besides my beloved, my friends Kristie and Danny. They live like 5 mins from us and I love hanging out with them.
6.) How do you feel about Dr. Pepper?
- It makes me miss Bryce... thats how I feel.
7.) When was the last time you cried really hard?
- Um... its been a while... but probably in June when I miscarried.
8.) Who was the last person you took a picture of?
- My moogie! How I miss her!!!
9.) Was yesterday better than today?
- I don't really know. I am in a great mood today and yesterday was my day off and it was spent running around- so its hard to say. I am away from Tom and I am at work- but still in a wonderful mood!!!
10.)Can you live a day without TV?
- Yes- thats what DVR is for :)
11.)Are you upset about anything?
- Not today :)
12.)Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
- I am married so obviously I think they are worth it, but there are some you just gotta let go.
13.)Night out or night in?
- Night in- with my hubby, my kitty and some canoodleing!
14.)What items could you not go without during the day?
- It would be really hard to not have my phone, but if it was needed I could go without it, but I can't go without my husband telling me he loves me. I couldn't take it... at all.
15.) Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
- Tom's aunt Shelly. She has since passed away, but her memory lives on. What an amazing woman she was!
16.)What does the last text message in your inbox say?
- "Probably Tuesday, Can we meet up somewhere?"
17.) Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
- Yes, yes I would!
18.)What do you miss?
- Right now? Home- which is coming in like 14 days :)
19.) What song is stuck in your head?
- None right now. I am just rockin out to Yahoo Music!!!
20.)Someone knocks on your window at 2:00am. Who do you want it to be?
- No one... unless they are dying... because no one needs to wake me up at that hour
21.) Do you want to have grandkids before your 50?
- I would like to have some around then- but first I need to have children in order to have grandchildren right??? Let's not get ahead of ourselves
22.) Name something you have to do tomorrow?
- Work and then home to watch Burn Notice with my honey!!!

Never too late....

2010-07-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted last. I guess time just got away from me.

Tom and I have now lived in our apartment for almost 3 months and it is amazing. We are enjoying every moment of it. It is nice to just have our own place where we can be together... just the two of us. Soon I will make a video so y'all can see what a great place we have. I love looking out our balcony and seeing the water. It is such a peaceful feeling. This weekend we saw a barge going across the Delta, it filled up our entire balcony window. It was huge!!!!

Titan is getting huge!!!! His personality is awesome and he is just becoming a wonderful cat. He is beautiful!!!

We've had quite an adventurous summer already. It started out with a ten hour drive to St. George, Utah to be reunited with my bestie. We took off at 6pm and got in at about 4am. The drive was great and Tom and I spent some quality time together. Ebba and I went wedding dress shopping and spent time starting to plan her October wedding in Portland. We went swimming and enjoyed having each other around. She is such an important part of my life. I would be lost without her.

On Sunday, we drove from St. George to Las Vegas to watch our nephew be blessed. Tom was able to be apart of the day, and it brought tears to my eyes as we prayed for this little one to have many blessings come unto him. Logan is such a cutie pie and I am proud to be called his auntie.

Shortly there after, Tom and I packed our bags and boarded a plane for Colorado to celebrate a love unlike any other. My aunt (and Godmother) married the most incredible man. Their love story is unlike any other and it provides me with so much faith and hope that true love (besides Tom and I) still exists. That true love can not be stopped by fire nor by ice. It was great to see family I hadn't seen in a long time, to be with my grandparents (there is never enough time to spend with them), to see my father and to spend time with my siblings and my most adorable niece. Tom and I still think the trip was tooooooo short. But we will be back. Thanks Fritzi and Mike for letting us be apart of your day. It was a day I will never forget and feel so blessed that we got to be apart of the day.

My sister and my niece arrived in California at the beginning of July for 10 days. It was so nice to spend time some time them. I love hearing how smart my niece is getting. She will tell you that she loves you more, and that she is building Yama's House, saying goodbye to the train that comes by my mom's, and now knows exactly who I am and has no problem telling me no or to stop or to ask me where I am going. I love her to pieces and my sister too... I love our relationship and how close we have gotten. Speaking of my sister, I need to call her.

Tom and I are now preparing for a trek across the west. We will be driving from California to Wyoming with a stop in Salt Lake City. My other sister is getting married on August 14th in Casper. I am so excited to be home. I get to see some of my closest friends and be with my family. I am so ready. I am staying with my sister Molly and am so excited for that.

Well- thats is for now. We are doing well. Working hard and playing sort of hard. Enjoying life and loving each other. That is all we can ask for in this crazy game called life.

2010-05-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

In 7 more get-ups- we will be in Utah and Nevada visiting my bestie and our beautiful nephew!!!

In 13 get-ups- we will be in Denver, celebrating the marriage of my beautiful aunt and god-mother to her wonderful fiance, Mike.

We will be visiting family and seeing old friends. Enjoying the vacation and having time to ourselves. We are so excited for the next few weeks.

We simply can't wait.

Words right out of my mouth

2010-05-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes- I just need someone.
You know who you are.
Unanswered calls.
Texts.
Emails.
It just seems to crush me every time.
And it doesn't hurt any less the next time either.

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now, I just need you now

I need you now

Future plans...

2010-05-12T16:07:00.000-07:00

So this weekend, Tom and I move. We are so excited we can hardly stand it. We got to see the apartment yesterday and it looks directly over the marina! And I can see the windmills from our balcony! Our living room is huge and we are just soooo ready and soooo excited despite all of the people who are worried about us- we really are excited- but thank you so much for your concern.

The new few weeks are going to be hectic but soooo much fun.

On May 22nd, Tom and I will be out on a sailboat, enjoying friends and family, as we listen to Kaboom (a big concert that happens every year) and the fireworks that follow.

The next weekend, I have a three day weekend for Memorial Day and am planning to have a housewarming party! It will be great!

The weekend following, we will be making the 9 hour drive to Las Vegas/St. George, Utah to bless our beautiful nephew, Logan.

And the week after that, we will be flying to Denver to celebrate the marriage of my aunt and god-mother, Fritzi, to her amazing fiance Mike. I am so excited to see my family and to spend a few days in Denver. I can't wait to see my brother and my sister and my niece- along with my cousins and aunts and uncles- my grandparents, and my daddy. It will be such a good trip! Too short- but sooo good.

Then when we get home... Titan gets to come home with us. He has become the light of our life and we want to spend as much time as possible with him. Tom and I love to feed him and watch him wabble around. We have just fallen in love with the little guy. We are soooo blessed.

Thank you to everyone for your continued prayers and support. We feel so blessed to have such amazing family and wonderful friends. We can feel the love.

XOXO

My New Life

2010-05-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have been following her blog for a few months now and am always inspired and feel uplifted after I read her blogs. If she can do what she is doing, anyone can. Thank you for sharing your story. It only deepens my faith and love for the Gospel and for our Heavenly Father.

And I feel good....

2010-05-08T08:49:00.001-07:00

Last night was AH-MAZ-ING!!!!!

I love going to the Temple.
I love feeling so connected to everything around me.

It was stake Temple night and so people from our ward were there.
Since we have been gone pretty much the last 6 months, it was really good to see their faces. *Lydia, you must come next time ;)*
I love how I feel once I walk in.
Nothing hurts.
Everything is right.
I feel more in love.
More in sync.
Its like my senses are hightened.
I love it.

I hope to carry this feeling throughout the week/month *until we can get back*
I am feeling happy right now.
A bit sleepy.
But happy. :)

WE DID IT!!!!!

2010-05-07T14:01:00.000-07:00

Tom and I are officially moving!
May 14th.
We are so excited!
This will be the first time in our whole relationship where it will be just the two of us!
We will be living in a one bedroom one bathroom apartment right by the Marina.
And then soon we will have Titan joining us.

I feel so very blessed that we have had so much help along the way.

Thank you Grandma and Grandpa Taylor for allowing us to spend the last 6 months with you, saving money and trying to prepare for our future. We really do appreciate it.

On that note, Tom and I are heading to the Temple tonight. We haven't been in quite sometime and are looking forward to being so close to our Heavenly Father.

Tom's brother, Ben, is in town with our new nephew, Logan, and I simply can't wait to meet him.

It is going to be a fun filled weekend.

Temple.
Work.
Dinner at my moms.
Church.
Dinner at the in-laws.

And getting ready to move!!!!!!

Thank you for all the prayers! We sure do feel loved.

XOXO

The Newest Addition to Our Family

2010-04-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

Tom and I are adopting a kitten.
We have decided since we aren't having children right now, it will be perfect.
Right now he is just over a week old.
I get to spend some of my nights feeding him.
And I spent all day Tuesday with him.
We won't get him until he is 6 weeks old.
Which by then we will be in our own apartment *crosses fingers*

He has become the light of my life.
I love watching him sleep.
I love when he puts his litte paws on my face.
I love it when he eats and suckles on his bottle.
He is so adorable.

He has the best face. Full of stripes.
He is black with white paws.
And stripes.
Soooooo cute!!!!

He opened his eyes last night.
It was amazing.
His purr is so small and so cute.
I am so excited to have him in our lives.
His name is Titan.

2010-04-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

There has been so many changes, so many life decisions to be made.

There has been ups and downs, some I thought I wouldn't get through, but with Heavenly Father, my AH-MAZ-ING husband, my wonderful family and fantastic friends, I got through it ALL and just fine.

Things are really picking up in our lives.

We are busy with work. Tom will attend the local college in the fall focusing on welding. We are moving into our own apartment in May and will be on our own for the first time since our marriage! I simply cannot wait!

This last week, I took a two day vacation, which was well worth it. Tom and I spent time together just lounging around and hanging out. We also took an impromptu drive to Half Moon Bay, where we sat and watched surfers at the beach, got hot cocoa from a local cafe, played frisbee and enjoyed the company of our younger siblings. It was amazing. I love being Tom. He is the best husband I could have ever asked for. He is patient and understanding. His love is unconditional. He is quite funny and always brings a smile to my face. I can't imagine facing the world without him anymore. And I don't ever want to.

Here are some pictures of our trip to Half Moon Bay courtesy of Thomas

Hope all is well with you and yours.

XOXO

The newest addition to the Taylor Family!

2010-04-06T17:36:00.001-07:00

We welcomed our nephew Logan Jay (LJ) Taylor on April 2, 2010 at 10:20am. He weighed 7 pounds 10 ounces and was 19.5 inches long. I am so excited that he has finally entered our world and I can't wait to hold him. Hopefully it will be soon rather than later. Congrats Ben and Stacy- you make cute baby boys!!!!

Unexpected Blessings

2010-03-28T14:10:00.000-07:00

This last month seems to have been one the biggest battles of my life. With some unexpected news in regards to my health and some frustrating circumstances, it seems to all just come down. "When it rains, it pours." However, I am constantly reminded that this is all part of our Heavenly Father's plan. And yesterday, I was reminded several times. I am in awe constantly how Heavenly Father presents things to me. Sometimes it makes me laugh and other times, it makes me cry. God is simply amazing!

Yesterday, after battling with being sick for most of the week, I went sailing. It was a gorgeous day, the sun was shining, the breeze was gentle, and the water was soft. I watched the water and watched others pass by. I relaxed and took in the salty air and my whole body just melted with happiness and joy. My mind was clear of all of the drama, worries, stresses that life has caused. It was as if it was just God and me on this boat (other people were there obviously), but in this moment, it was just us. We were going 7.9 knots (and that is pretty fast--- some would say we were screaming across the bay). The sails were full of wind. My hair blew in the wind, my face felt chilly, my hands were holding on tightly, and the ocean spit in my face, surprising me. It has seemed to refresh my heart, mind, body and soul. I was inspired.

After that, I came home and decided to open up my scriptures. Tom had received some sad news that an older co-worker had passed away yesterday on our way home from our day and was feeling quite bummed that he was so upset after a glorious day. I needed inspiration. So I was searching through the topical guide for marriage, I stumbled upon mourning and it was such a fitting process. I think both Tom and I are mourning. Tom for his co-worker and me for my old self. I am letting that person go. The one who hangs onto the past and never forgives herself for her wrong doings. I am simply ready to move on now. Anyways, it took me to 2 Nephi Chapter 8. I get to verse 16-19 and am totally lost and have to get someone to help me (so thankful that my grandparents have such an amazing grasp of the Gospel). And it talks about the second coming and Jerusalem falling. Then Chapter 9 talks about the atonement, and the sacrifice that was made for us so that we can be with our Heavenly Father again. I often forget about that. We are sinners... but as this scripture says, "O, my beloved brethern, turn away from your sins; shake off the chains of him that would bind you fast; come unto that God who is the rock of your salvation." ~2 Nephi 9:45
I have to let go. And come unto God. It felt so good to hear this... to know it. To feel it. My heart felt glad for the first time in weeks. My cup overfloweth. I then went to my Patriarchal Blessing and re-read it. It was just a year ago that I received it and it is still one of my fondest memories. It tells me to seek through prayer and be an example as I will shine bright. I forget that too. I am a Child of God. And I will shine with His love. It also reminded me that each time I take the sacrament I am just as clean as the day I was baptized. What a wonderful gift that is! I always think I am unworthy of His love, but yet He gives us the amazing opportunity every week to be clean again. I am so very blessed for His love.

I am happy.
Today.
And that is all that matters.
Today is all that matters.

Thanks Rene, for the sailing... it opened my heart and mind unexpectedly and brought me back to where I need to be. <3

Time for quick update

2010-03-14T14:16:00.001-07:00

It has been quite a long time since I have updated this thing, and I feel like there are few minutes in the day that I have time, or the energy to sit down and write and let everyone knows what is going on.
A lot has happened. Too much in just the last month.
I am working out on a regular basis now and have lost almost 15 pounds now. My appitite has shrunken and I love how I feel after a good workout even though I whine through the whole thing! I finally got through my first workout last week and LOVED it. I love how sore I feel after words. I love that my body feels good and that my pants and shirts are fitting more loose. I just love it all.
Tom is working out as well and is feeling good. He made a comment that he used to use his tummy for his mouse pad and because it is going away he will have to soon find another mouse pad :)
Tonight we are going to try and make brownies with almond flour and am excited to see how this will turn out as it will be something I can eat now that I am eating strictly PALEO (or at least trying to). I am basically eating as a cave man would have- meat, veggies, fruits, nuts, water. No sugar, no bread, no pasta. And most days, I do great with it. But there are some days (and those are usually the "I had a bad day" days) where ice cream or a cookie or some form of comfort food comes into play. But it really has made a difference in how I eat and what I look at eating. And how I look :)

Work is good. It is a relief coming to work and getting away from the stresses of life. How funny is that? Normally my job is my stresser, but it is now where I want to go when I am having a rough day.

Tom is finally getting more hours... picking up shifts whenever he can, which means we are not spending quite as much time together which makes me miss him, but that makes our time together that much more special.

We celebrated Tom's birthday on the 12th of Febuary by going to a movie and getting him an external hard drive so we can back up the computer.

And then for Valentine's Day, since we didn't need to get new brakes, Tom went out and bought me a cute new netbook that is red. I love it. It is perfect for me and I have now learned how to Skype which is allowed me to see my best friend and my dad both whom I haven't seen since my wedding. It has been wonderful!!!!

We are busy planning trips for this summer... one to Colorado to see my aunt get married to the man of her dreams Mike- and we simply can't wait to meet Mike. It took what seemed like years for them to get his visa from Nigeria so that he could come to the United States. They will be married in Colorado on June 12th.

Then my sister Jenn will be married in Wyoming on the 14th of August (which also happens to be my brother's birthday)so we will be heading to Wyoming for that.

I am excited for both of those trips and to be apart of both of thier days. I am sure Tom is excited too :)

We are also expecting out first newphew in just a few short weeks and are so excited for Logan to enter the world!!! Hopefully it will be an quick and easier delivery for Stacy and everything will go smoothly.

As for everything else, it has been a tough month. A lot is goig on in my life. I was released as the primary teacher from church which broke my heart. I understand though, being that I have been going through a lot that I couldn't committ to the kids like I should have, but it doesn't hurt any less. I just wish someone would have called and checked up on me before I released. I think that would have made the blow a bit easier to deal with, but I also understand that people have a lot on thier plate, so calling may not have been feasible.

Well, that's it for now. I'll post pictures soon, as we have a bunch from the last few months and I have just not gotten around to updating it. Hope all is well with you and yours.

XO
Cass

2010-02-05T00:22:00.000-08:00

Its been a month since I have posted and a lot has happened!

I have started my job at Bank of America- and I LOVE IT!

Tom has been working- less and less hours- but we are relying on God to get us through it!

We are enjoying time living at Grandma and Grandpa Taylors and have really enjoyed getting to know them better.

We have started the process of testing for infertility and are praying for good results (or at least results to lead us to getting pregnant)!

I have celebrated my 26 birthday and loved it! Tom did such a good job surprising me for my birthday and am so thankful for such an amazing husband.

We started working out at UFC gym and Tom got me a personal trainer for 24 sessions for my birthday. So far, in just 3 weeks, I have lost about 10 pounds and I feel wonderful. I am sore almost after every workout, but Jordan (my trainer is kicking my butt and helping me reach my goal weight).

My sister, Jenn, is getting married in August and I am so excited to go back to Casper to be apart of her special day. And to meet the man of her dreams :)

Other than that, it is just a lot of work and little play, but we are looking forward to learning how to balance the two out :)

Hope all is well with you and yours. Much love.

Tom and Cass

2009 in review

2009-12-21T15:15:00.001-08:00

Wasn't it just yesterday that I was writing about last year's events and what our goals were as a family????

I can't believe how fast this year has gone.

But it has and 2010 is around the corner.

And we have so much to be thankful for this year.

January started out great!

We spent New Year's together (not sure what we did exactly), but I love knowing that I am with my husband on the first day of the new year.

At the end of January, I flew to Denver to get with my dad and drive to Casper for Moogie's first birthday. I was so glad that I got to be there for her very first birthday and celebrate it with my sister and dad. I also got to see some friends from high school (how I missed Jayme and Jason) It was amazing until it started to snow. We delayed leaving for a few days and by the time we left, we got stuck in Wheatland, Wyoming for a day and a half. I woke up on my 25th birthday, not sure if I was going to make it to Denver in time to fly out. But the roads opened just in time and even with my father's "grandpa driving" we made it just in time for me to make my plane to home. I arrived home to meet my husband and to be realize that I had the most amazing birthday... I got to spend it with the most important men in my life. I was so very blessed.

Tom had gone above and beyond when it came to my birthday and made if very romantic. <3

My mom also gave me my grandmother's earrings and a necklace that meant more to me than she will ever know. Tears still come to my eyes when I think about those gifts. Thanks Mom!

For Tom's birthday, in February, we celebrated with a family dinner at Chili's and just relaxing.

For Valentine's Day, I was surprised with breakfast in bed and a day of just relaxation. I was so happy that Tom surprised me with banana bread, orange juice, chocolates and flowers. I am a very lucky wife. *Thanks Mom, for helping.*

March came and went without a hitch.

Same with April, and May.

In June, I moved jobs once again to Land/Home Financial Services. Tom and I also took a trip to Salt Lake and Wyoming. We flew into Salt Lake and stayed a few nights with my grandparents, we wandered Temple Square and had an amazing dinner at the top of the Joseph Smith Building. We were going to go do baptisms in the Temple but because of ear infections, we couldn't, so we watched. We then rented a car (with the help of my grandparents, thanks again), named her Speedy (she wasn't very fast and had horrible gas mileage), and drove to Wyoming for the memorial service of my great Aunt Melba and my great uncle Wayne. It was a beautiful service and I was able to see a lot of family memebers I haven't seen in a while and everyone got to meet my wonderful husband. I am so thankful we got to go and say goodbye. I wish they could have met Tom.

In July, Tom, Lee and I discussed buying a condo and had actually signed papers for it, but because of unforseen circumstances, we chose not to go through with it. But Lee ended up going through with it and we are so excited for him!!!!

July and August just flew by as we prepared for the biggest moment in our marriage thus far.

September came and family arrived. It was such a blessing to have my grandparents, my sister and niece out here as Tom and I were sealed in the Oakland Temple for time and all eternity. We also celebrated our 1st year anniversary on the 6th. It was the most amazing experience. One I will never forget and am so blessed that we were able to be sealed together, not just for this life, but for eternity.

October came and I flew my mom to Vegas for a surprise 50th birthday party. I am so glad she had such a good time and am still a bit bummed we weren't there to share it with her.

At the end of October, my father eloped with his girlfriend, Kendra. What a month that was!

In November, we celebrated Thanksgiving with the Peaslee family in Petaluma and watched the Broncos play. It was such a wonderful time and of course Tom had to work on Black Friday. What a nightmare!!!! We also moved in with Tom's grandparents and are very happy staying there for now. We are giving ourselves 3-6 months to get into a new apartment.

In December, Tom and I, including his family, headed to Vegas to see Ben, Stacy and Champ. It was a wonderful 3 day vacaction and would do it again in a heartbeat!!!! I also started working at Bank of America as a customer service associate and LOVE it! I can't see what the future holds for me here.

This New Year's, we will be ringing it in, just the two of us at home.

We will continue to celebrate as my sister and my nieces are flying in from Wyoming tomorrow.

As for our resolutions from last year:

Tom and I were sealed in the Temple on September 5, 2009!!!!!!!
We have not started a family yet (and not from the lack of trying)

I have not lost any weight

I have a stable job

We have not saved any money (but we are starting to now)

So for this year my resolutions go as follows:

Lose 20 pounds by June and then another 20 by December

Put having family in God's hands

Have our own place by June

Save 3 months of our income

Go to Church every Sunday

Go to the Temple at least once a month

Have at least one date night a month

Get promoted at my job

I think these will do for now. Happy New Year everyone! I hope 2010 is better than 2009, no matter how great 2009 was, maybe 2010 be the best it can be.

Much love to you all!

Cass and Tom

impatient

2009-12-02T19:46:00.000-08:00

CAN FRIDAY GET HERE ALREADY?!?!?!

I AM READY TO GO TO THE....

Cass' Christmas Wishlist

2009-12-02T16:43:00.000-08:00

Christmas Wishlist

- the start of a gym membership to 24hour fitness

- gift certificate to Ikea

- a new down comforter

Brief update

2009-12-02T16:24:00.001-08:00

I can't believe it is December already! I love this time of the year and am so blessed that it gets to start with the beginning of a new chapter in our lives.

Tom and I moved into his grandparent's house over the weekend. It was a long day (11 1/2 hours) but we got all moved in, unpacked and settled the first night. It was great. It has been an adjustment, but we love it here.

I start work on Monday and am getting nervous. I had first days- not knowing where to go, what to do, or what to expect- other than the next 6 weeks will be training. I am ready nonetheless to start working again. I have enjoyed the vacation but am starting to go stir crazy.

Tom is still busy at work, and I think he likes it like that.

We are more in love now than I ever thought possible. I feel so very lucky to have this man in my life. I simply can't wait to grow old with him!!!

Friday, we will be going to the Temple to see the lights and to attend a session and I am so excited about it! I feel so blessed that we are so very close to a Temple- 2 of them to be exact- that we can go just about anytime we choose to. It is an amazing feeling!!! We will go back on Saturday for "Behold the Light" and am excited to see it again this year.

Christmas will be spent in Las Vegas with Tom's family. His brother Ben, wife Stacy, unborn nephew (thats right!!!! we are having the first baby boy in April!!!!!), and Champ (the dog) live in Henderson and we will be visiting them. I am hoping to see my bestie while we are there as she lives only an hour or so away from there.

That is all for now.

XOXO

2009-11-20T23:59:00.001-08:00

Writer's notes: Tonight, I need to vent. Tonight, I need to just write and so I find myself writing here. No need to worry- or to take it as a negative aspect of myself, but this is in fact my blog and you chose to read it. So please just know that this is just me getting out my feelings. Take it as you will. I am just tired of holding it in- and this- this is how I will let it all out. <3

This past month has been a roller coaster for me. I have had some pretty big ranges of emotions. Some I will go into detail here- others I won't. But know that my heart still feels like it is breaking. I feel like at any moment, I am going to burst into tears. I know that eventually (just like with all things) this will subside. But tonight, it is overwhelming.

Right before Tom and I got sealed in September, we thought we were pregnant. It was something I had been praying so hard about. I took a pregnancy test, it was positive. I was elated to say the least. The next day, I made a doctor's appointment. It was for Wednesday. I was going on my lunch. On Wednesday morning, I had started bleeding. By the time I went to the doctor's, it was heavy and clot like. I had what they called a chemical pregnancy. The egg has in fact been fertilized, but had failed to attach itself to the uterus. I was, to say the least, devastated. Just thinking that we were pregnant, had me attached to what we had made together, to what was going to be our baby. And in one instant it was gone. And it hurt so much. But, with the help of the Lord, and Tom, I picked myself back up and moved on. It was all I could do. I couldn't dwell, and everyone kept telling me that when it was God's plan to have a baby, we would. And I hate that. I know it will be in God's time, but please stop telling me to stop trying or to not worry about it. It is hard enough to not get pregnant when I want so badly to start a family, but to have people tell you to stop worrying about it and to stop trying. All our lives, we have been told that if we want something to try your hardest and you will succeed. But now I am being told differently. My brain and my heart just can't take it anymore.

At this point, I have left it to God. It still hurts and every blog I open and I see new babies or more people getting pregnant, it hurts. It hurts like hell. It is like a dagger into my heart. But there is nothing I can do about it. We will just wait. And we will just have faith. Because as of right now that is all we can do.

I lost my job at the end of October. And while it was a serious blow to my ego, I found another one within the week and have had a nice vacation of packing and getting ready to move in with Tom's grandparents.

We decided after much prayer and talking, that moving into the condo was not in the best interest of ourselves. Tom and I have never had much time together- just the two of us. We have always had a roommate and we believe now more than ever, we need to just be us. So we will stay with his grandparents until we are ready to go (no more than 6 months) and then we are going to spread our wings and fly.

After all of this happened, I found out my father eloped with his girlfriend Kendra. It was heartbreaking news to hear. I figured out he would want to share this most important occasion with his children, with his family. And while he made his decision, he lied. He betrayed me. I feel as though he has now chosen his new wife over his children. (And that is just how I feel.) I am not upset at who he married. I am not even mad that he eloped. I am mad that he lied. That he then berated me because she told him to. I am mad because since then I have yet to hear from him- not one word. I am hurt, heart broken and sad. I miss my daddy. The man I looked up to- the man who was my hero. But I feel like I no longer know my own father. I no longer know the man who used to put me on his shoulders, who used to let me fall asleep on his stomach, who used to give me bear hugs and tell me everything would be alright. I no longer know the man that after not hearing from me for a few days, would call or e-mail me because he was worried about me. I miss the man that was only a phone call away and always had some divine wisdom to tell me about how I was going to be ok or what to do. He is my father. He is still suppose to play a role in my life. Not the number 1 role, but a role... a role I feel he no longer plays at all and it kills me. I never thought I would ever be here.

I have now also found out what lying can do. It can literally tear apart a family. I am not just talking about my dad, but in all aspects. And I never thought that lies could be so devastating. I feel like I have lost a lot this past month. And I feel empty to be honest. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. And yes, I know this will all pass. And yes, I know it will all be ok.

After writing this out, I feel free. A bit lighter. A bit brighter.

There are no more tears to cry over what has happened.

I will move on tonight.

Because that is what we do.

We have to.

Mi tia

2009-11-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for this woman....
This is my aunt. My godmother. My second mom. My role model. Fritzi (also known as Jennifer) has taught me so much. She has taught me about who I want to be. She has taught me about unconditional love. She has given without getting much in return. She has fought for a love that is so hard to come by. She has the most amazing soul and best laugh.

She has been my closest friend. And while she has been in South Africa these last six months, it has really taught me how much I really do love her and value our relationship. She is one of those people in my family I can go to at any time and express how I am feeling. She will listen and give her wisdom and advice. She has guided me when I have been in very rough patches and has never given up on me.

I am so very blessed to be so close to her. She truly is one of the most beautiful woman I know and I am so thankful to have her in my life. I don't know what I would do without her.

Fritz- I am sure I never tell you enough, but your love, support, encouragement and mere presence means more to me then I could ever express. Words would never do you or how I feel about you justice. You truly are a gift from God everyday of my life. I have really missed you the last six months, am glad you are home and am praying everyday that on the 24th, your dreams come true.

I love you. I am so very thankful for you. Te amo mucho mi tia.

My seester

2009-11-17T21:22:00.000-08:00

Today I am grateful for:

Jenn has been my "sister" for as long as I can remember. It started back when my mom housed a bunch of drum corps kids and she just happened to be one of them. Then she moved in with us, and then I ran away to her dorm room and ever since she has been one of the closest people in my life.

I have always had a special bond with her. And she has always been there for me. I can always count on her to give me advice and to inspire me to be better. She is a fireman (one of the first in Wyoming), she is a teacher, a personal trainer and a gym instructor. She has always been extremely motivated and I hope that one day, I too can accomplish as much as she has. She has a faith in God unlike most. She strives to give back to those in need. And she has the most amazing heart.

Jenn is my sister. Maybe not by blood, but my heart. I am so thankful to have her in my life and apart of my family. She is simply amazing.

JennI- I don't know how many times I can thank you for all your love and support in my life. You have been such an amazing example to me and I thank God everyday for you and what you have given not only to me but to my family. You are one of a kind and I am blessed to call you my sister. I love you.

Besties for life...

2009-11-16T23:20:00.000-08:00

Today- I am grateful for this lovely lady...

She is my best friend. The light of my world. We met 6 years ago during my sophomore year of college. We were both working for European Connection and just started to hang out. We instantly became inseparable and to this day, I can't imagine life without her.

We may live far away from each other now, but we have declared that one day we will live together (or at least next to each other) as old ladies, drinking lemonade and having a lot of little Howies running around. Howie was a dog we bought together from the pound. Along with the stars on our feet, we also have paw prints on our other foot to symbolize our "child." He is now living in Idaho in a great family and I know we miss him dearly.

This woman has been my rock. She has come out to see me in California and Denver. She has been there to pick me up when I am down. She drunk dials me and tells me what an amazing person I am, and even when I have made a fool of myself, she holds my hand and tells me it is ok. She is my sister that God forgot to give me. Either that or believed that our parents couldn't handle us together :)

We have such amazing memories of each other and I am so thankful for her friendship. For her unconditional love and for all of the times when she has been there. I would be lost without her and am so glad that even after all these years, she is still my bff, my bestie, my Ebba Kuenba.

I love you Ebba. You are the greatest best friend in the whole world and I can't wait to see you again. Thanks for everything you have done for me. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God for meeting you. Miss you lovebug!

2 days

2009-11-15T20:48:00.000-08:00

I have two days to make up for as Thomas and I have been busy packing and trying to get ready to move. It is such a scary transition, but we have a lot of support and we get to stay in our ward- which means I get to see my sunbeams every Sunday and continue to be in a ward that feels like home.

So I will catch up today... with two people I am grateful for.

These are two of the most important people in my life:

While we may have not always gotten along, these two have been a constant in my life. They are both so caring and loving and have always been there.

My sister, Molly, is such a strong woman. She has had quite a few trials in her life, but has overcome them with such amazing diligence, I am proud to call her my sister. I love her phone calls almost daily, and am quite sad when we go some time without talking. She gives me advice and I truly take it to heart. I love that we have our faith in common and that we can talk about it. It is something I hold very dear to my heart. She gave birth to the most beautiful niece in the world and is truly the strength of us kids. I love you Molls and am thankful for you everyday.

My baby brother is the comedian. Whenever, I need a laugh I know I can always count on him. I love hearing from him and miss him desperately. He has been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember and I wish we lived closer again. I miss our drives and our talks. I miss listening to Dave with you. I have such great memories of us. My brother is talented, sweet, loving and so caring and I am so blessed to have him in life.

Now I know we don't always get along, and we have all made mistakes. But you two give me so much happiness in my life. I don't tell you often enough, nor do I show it enough, but I love you and am so very thankful for what you bring to my life each and everyday.

Today and Always

2009-11-13T22:53:00.001-08:00

Today, I am thankful for this man....

He is my best friend. The love of my life. My husband. It never fails that he can always make me smile. He always helps me see the bright side of things and has made me and my life amazing. I am so in love with him and continue to fall more in love with him everyday.

I am thankful that he chose me to marry and spend time and all eternity with me. He once asked me what the sweetest thing he has ever done and I replied, "You took me to the Temple." He helps me make my life better everyday.

Baby, I love you and am so blessed to have you in my life. I thank God (and my lucky stars) everyday for you. Thanks for being there and loving me unconditionally. You are amazing.

My mama!

2009-11-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

Today, I am so thankful for this woman:She is my greatest supporter. She is one of my closest friends. And while sometimes we don't always see eye to eye, she is the one person (besides Tom) I know I can always call. She will always answer my calls, greet me at the door when I come over, and wipe my tears, either with words or with her hands. And she can always make me laugh.... "It's broken." "Jeff fafa...."

My mother is the strongest woman I know. She managed to raise 3 kids, but always had at least one more in the house. She worked. Cooked. Cleaned. And loved unconditionally. We went through our fair share of problems, but never did she give up on me. She only pushed me harder which pushed me further.
Each word of advice, each moment I have with her, each Oscar Meyer weiner song, is just another great memory I have of her. She is beautiful. She is one of a kind. And I am so thankful that God gave me her as my mother, as my friend and as my mentor on how I want to be when I grow up.

I love her so much... and I hope she knows it.

Thanks mom, for all you are, for all you have made of me, and for all you continue you to do, not just for me, but for all of us kids. I love you mucho!

Let's give thanks!

2009-11-11T23:43:00.000-08:00

So I have been seeing this everywhere and have decided to do it as well... (I am such a copy-cat), but I really like this idea and think it is a great idea. So for the rest of November... everyday, I will post something that I am thankful for. And I challenge you to do the same. Whether it is in an e-mail or via your own blog, find something to be thankful for everyday.

Today I am thankful:

THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS

I am so thankful for the Gospel and for the Church. It has brought so much joy to my life and has taught me how to really rely on God. It has helped me in my marriage and in making my life the life I have always wanted. I couldn't imagine life without it.

Thomas and I got the opportunity to speak with the Bishop today. These are moments that are few and far between (we talk mostly to his counselors) but tonight was overwhelming with love and with the Spirit. I realized how amazing it has been since I became a member and how my life has really changed because of my faith and because of the Gospel. It really has been the biggest blessing in my life and it is the one thing I am the most grateful for.

I am grateful for all the Church has to offer and all the things that it has brought into my life.

XOXO

story of our love

2009-11-04T19:56:00.000-08:00

Its all about faith....

2009-11-04T19:06:00.001-08:00

On Tuesday, I lost my job.

By Friday, we no longer had a condo.

By Monday, the bank that owns the condo told us we can once again purchase the condo.

And by Tuesday, I had a job again.

Tom attests it to paying tithing. I believe it was from the abundance of prayers and love that showered us.

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your prayers and for all those who thought of us. We are so very grateful.

I will start working at Bank of America on December 7th and am so excited to have a month vacation. :)

Tom is still working.

We are getting ready to move.

And we are excited for the holidays.

The weather is getting chilly. And the leaves are starting to fall.

This is my favorite time of the year.

And I am sharing it with the most amazing man in the world.

That Your Burdens May Be Light

2009-10-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

After this week I have learned so much about leaning on God to get me through the hopelessness and fear I have felt this week.

I lost my job this week. We weren't able to complete the transaction on our first home. A few more issues and I just felt like it was too much. And then I remembered: With God nothing shall be impossible. Then I remembered, General Conference. Elder L. Whitney Clayton spoke on Burdens. And so tonight- I listened to it again... and read it again. And learned. And felt at peace. We are going to be just fine. God is going to provide and He will always carry us when we are struggling. I am so thankful for the Gospel. For my husband. For the love he has for me and the strength he gives me. I love him so much.

Here is Elder Clayton's talk... after you will find a quote from a blog that I read tonight that just fit so perfectly.

"Many years ago I walked at dawn through the narrow cobblestone streets of Cusco, Peru, high in the Andes Mountains. I saw a man from a local indigenous group walking down one of the streets. He was not a big man physically, but he carried an immense load of firewood in a huge burlap sack on his back. The sack seemed to be as big as he was. The load must have weighed as much as he did. He steadied it with a rope that looped under the bottom of the sack and circled up around his forehead. He gripped the rope tightly on both sides of his head. He kept a rag on his forehead underneath the rope to keep it from cutting into his skin. He leaned forward under his burden and walked with deliberate, difficult steps.

The man was carrying the firewood to the marketplace, where it would be sold. In an average day he might make just two or three round-trips across the town to deliver similarly awkward, heavy loads.

The memory of him bent forward, struggling down the street has become increasingly meaningful for me with the passage of years. How long could he continue to carry such burdens?

Life presses all kinds of burdens on each of us, some light but others relentless and heavy. People struggle every day under burdens that tax their souls. Many of us struggle under such burdens. They can be emotionally or physically ponderous. They can be worrisome, oppressive, and exhausting. And they can continue for years.

In a general sense, our burdens come from three sources. Some burdens are the natural product of the conditions of the world in which we live. Illness, physical disability, hurricanes, and earthquakes come from time to time through no fault of our own. We can prepare for these risks and sometimes we can predict them, but in the natural pattern of life we will all confront some of these challenges.

Other burdens are imposed on us by the misconduct of others. Abuse and addictions can make home anything but a heaven on earth for innocent family members. Sin, incorrect traditions, repression, and crime scatter burdened victims along the pathways of life. Even less-serious misdeeds such as gossip and unkindness can cause others genuine suffering.

Our own mistakes and shortcomings produce many of our problems and can place heavy burdens on our own shoulders. The most onerous burden we impose upon ourselves is the burden of sin. We have all known the remorse and pain which inevitably follow our failure to keep the commandments.

No matter the burdens we face in life as a consequence of natural conditions, the misconduct of others, or our own mistakes and shortcomings, we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father, who sent us to earth as part of His eternal plan for our growth and progress. Our unique individual experiences can help us prepare to return to Him. The adversity and afflictions that are ours, however difficult to bear, last, from heaven’s perspective, for “but a small moment; and then, if [we] endure it well, God shall exalt [us] on high.”¹ We must do everything we can to bear our burdens “well” for however long our “small moment” carrying them lasts.

Burdens provide opportunities to practice virtues that contribute to eventual perfection. They invite us to yield “to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and [put] off the natural man and [become] a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and [become] as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.”² Thus burdens become blessings, though often such blessings are well disguised and may require time, effort, and faith to accept and understand. Four examples may help explain this:

First, Adam was told, “Cursed shall be the ground for thy sake,” which meant for his benefit, and “by the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread.”³ Work is a continual burden, but it is also a continual blessing “for [our] sake,” for it teaches lessons we can learn only “by the sweat of [our] face.”
Second, Alma observed that the poverty and “afflictions [of the poor among the Zoramites] had truly humbled them, and that they were in a preparation to hear the word.”⁴ He added, “Because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye.”⁵ Our economic challenges may help prepare us to hear the word of the Lord.
Third, because of the “exceedingly great length of [their] war,” many Nephites and Lamanites “were softened because of their afflictions, insomuch that they did humble themselves before God, even in the depth of humility.”⁶ Political unrest, social disorder, and, in some areas of the world, modern Gadianton robbers may humble us and motivate us to seek heavenly shelter from societal storms.
Fourth, Joseph Smith was told that the terrible things he suffered for years at the hands of his enemies would “give [him] experience, and . . . be for [his] good.”⁷ The suffering we experience through the offenses of others is a valuable, though painful, school for improving our own behavior.

Further, bearing up under our own burdens can help us develop a reservoir of empathy for the problems others face. The Apostle Paul taught that we should “bear . . . one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”⁸ Accordingly, our baptismal covenants require that we should be “willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; yea, and [be] willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.”⁹

Keeping our baptismal covenants helps relieve our own burdens as well as those of burdened souls we serve.¹⁰ Those who offer such assistance to others stand on holy ground. In explaining this, the Savior taught:

“When saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?

“When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?

“Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?

“And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”¹¹

Through it all, the Savior offers us sustaining strength and support, and in His own time and way, He offers deliverance. When Alma and his followers escaped from the armies of King Noah, they established a community named Helam. They began to till the ground, build buildings, and prosper.¹² Without warning, an army of the Lamanites brought them into bondage, and “none could deliver them but the Lord their God.”¹³ That deliverance, however, did not come immediately.

Their enemies began to “put tasks upon them, and put taskmasters over them.”¹⁴ Although they were threatened with death for praying,¹⁵ Alma and his people “did pour out their hearts to [God]; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.”¹⁶ Because of their goodness and their obedience to their baptismal covenants,¹⁷ they were delivered in stages. The Lord said to them:

“I will . . . ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that . . . you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

“And it came to pass that so great was their faith and their patience that the voice of the Lord came unto them again, saying: Be of good comfort, for on the morrow I will deliver you out of bondage.”¹⁸

Mercifully, the Son of God offers us deliverance from the bondage of our sins, which are among the heaviest of all the burdens we bear. During His Atonement He suffered “according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance.”¹⁹ Christ “suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent.”²⁰ When we repent and keep the commandments, forgiveness and relief from our burdened conscience come with the help that only the Savior offers, for “surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy.”²¹

I remember that man in Peru, hunched over and struggling to carry that enormous sack of firewood on his back. For me, he is an image of us all as we struggle with the burdens of life. I know that as we keep the commandments of God and our covenants, He helps us with our burdens. He strengthens us. When we repent, He forgives us and blesses us with peace of conscience and joy.²² May we then submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

I got this off of another blog, but it fits so perfectly:

"From this experience I learned that somebody does want to hold my hand. Somebody does notice me. And that somebody is not only Tom but Jesus Christ, our Savior. When we are struggling and feel like we have many burdens to carry, Jesus Christ is there. If we have our hand ready he will guide us through the hardest trials and tribulations for he has suffered many more than us. Then when he feels he has lead us a good deal of the way he may slowly release his hand from ours, but he won't leave us, he will never leave us! He will always be right there dancing beside us, ready to catch us if we fall. He may let us off on our own, but he won't leave us alone."

What a blessing it is to know that Christ is always there. And with Him and through Him, Tom and I will be great. We are great. We have a home and food and clothes and it will be ok. I am so thankful for our families. They are so supportive and loving. It means so much to me.

2 years ago.

2009-10-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

Two years ago... the love of my life:

Asked me:

To be his FOREVER!

I love him more today than I did yesterday and will love him more tomorrow than today. I am complete with this man. And I couldn't think of anything better than to wake up next to him.

I know there have already been rough times in our short life together, but as long as you and I have each other, we will make it through anything.

You are my soul mate, my best friend, my love. I am so glad you took the chance to meet me and took an ever bigger leap of faith when you asked me to marry you. You never cease to amaze me with your words, your gestures or your selflessness. Thank you for all you are. For all you have been. For all you make of me.

I am so very blessed.

XOXO

Your loving wife.

P.S.

2009-10-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

This is the cutest girl alive... my niece Morgan aka Moogie! How I love her! Thanks Molls for bringing her into this world. She truly is such a blessing to all of us. I can't wait to see you guys again! Love you Moogie!